Boyfriend is confused, wants to take things slow

[hopeparis]

Hello,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years. We broke up at some point but have been together for 8 months straight now.

The last couple of months have been hard with a lot of fights and stress (exams, work...) and we fought when I was abroad. It was a very violent fight so we chose not to talk for a week. When I came back, he texted me saying he didn't feel good in the relationship anymore and thought it was better to break up because he did not know if it was because of the fights or because he had less feelings. We saw each other in real life to talk and then he started being very emotional, crying, trying to kiss me, hugged me, started to say that he wanted my opinion, wanted me to give him alternatives to the break up because that's not what he wanted but that he felt he needed to be "alone" and did not want to hurt me. I was so confused and still am. I told him that this was a shock to me, and that I couldn't make this decision for him, but that I thought that it was linked to this stress period (everything was going perfect before, he was saying he loved me just a month ago). He said that when things were not going as well in a relationship that he couldn't figure out if it was the situation that led to his feelings lessening; or the relationship itself.

At the end of the discussion, he started again to be very affectionate, touching my face, hugging me, etc. he said he couldn't make a decision but that he wanted to try to continue to be together but did not know where it would lead. He said we should both think and text each other. I texted him the day after saying the only way we would know is by taking things slowly and trying to date again to see if things felt good again.

He said he agreed, and we planned to see each other on Monday. All this happened on Thursday.

 

It's just very hard for me because we used to text everyday, and now it's only to set the date. He is quite cold with me and does not ask me how my day is as he used to.

I'm very confused and hurt.

I want to give this a shot because I still love him and I think he got scared, but I don't know how to act. I want things to get back to normal but I know it's impossible in such a short amount of time.

 

What do you think ? How should I act with him on Monday ?

I'm very confused by what he said first / his behavior when we met / his lack of communication now, and could use some insight. Thank you.

[MissCanuck]

I think you should brace for a break-up, OP.

 

It sounds like your relationship has been too volatile and he can't overlook the past hurts and damage it caused.

[Andrina]

On again, off again relationships aren't meant to be. I have a feeling he was the one who broke up with you the first time, since you are willing to stay with him now, even though he doesn't meet your relationship needs. Past behavior predicts future behavior. He broke up with you once, so it would be expected he'd repeat that pattern, and he is.

 

I'd never stay with someone who wasn't 100 percent confident of being with me. And it sounds like taking things slow means meeting up to be intimate without being exclusive. Do you really want to be his FWB? Your self esteem is lacking if this is who you are risking your heart on. My advice? Break up. Work on your self esteem by reading articles and books on skills to do that. When you get to that point, you will be ready to only accept men who will treat you as the special woman you are. Take care.

[hopeparis]

I finally gathered the strength to break up with him today. I told him I wouldn't continue if he kept being distant, and he said he was not ready to invest in this relationship at all at this moment, after all that happened. So I broke it off. It's only been a few hours, but I'm having ups and downs. It's really hard to get your heart broken by your first love, twice. I feel numb and betrayed. I'm just happy I got ouf of it and that I'm the one who did it, although I'm still very confused why a person who once loved me so much could treat me like this.

[nsolo]

"I finally gathered the strength to break up with him today. I told him I wouldn't continue if he kept being distant, and he said he was not ready to invest in this relationship at all at this moment, after all that happened."

 

Good for you. The fact that he fights with you tells me that he has a lot to learn about women. He isn't listening to you when you talk to him, and instead he's acting like a child and throwing a tantrum and blowing up on you. It is sad to have to break up with someone who can't handle a real relationship, but you did the right thing. If you can stay strong and stick to this decision. you will see that a better man is out there for you.