5months post-breakup - need some support

[nicsau]

I still miss him, and cry over him.

 

He blocked my msgs/phone number and unfriended me on FB one month after he brokeup with me. He told me that he thought we shouldn't contact each other for at least 1 yr, he also told me that maybe in 1-2yrs time we can reconsider if the circumstances were right.

 

Therefore no contact for the last 4months. I thought I had been able to carry on, but I recently saw his name tagged in something public and it brought everything back to me.

 

I talked to several counsellors, who have told me it is not normal to be like this after such a long time.

 

I'm not sure how to explain, but I feel I was very deeply in love with him. We were at the point of him telling me that he wanted to marry me, even to the point where we were thinking let's just get registered already.

 

But I understand that it doesn't make a difference, because in the end he decided to end things and cut all contact with me.

 

I'm still very hurt, and also miss him, even as a friend. I can see why we were not compatible as partners from his perspective, and that for both of us him cutting all contact was the right thing to do.

 

I really want to contact him via snapchat and let him know I am ready to be friends only. But, I know I shouldnt, as he is the one who cut contact, so it should be if he feels he is ready to contact then he will.

 

So at the moment, its just painful and sad, I lost both a lover and a friend. We also both live in different cities across the country, so I will never run into him or mutual friends (as I moved over to his city to live , and have now moved back to my hometown).

 

Deep down, I wish he would contact me, tell me that he can see things from my perspective and give us a chance again. But even if he were to do that, I wouldn't get back with him, because of how he gave up on us- I wouldn't want to be hurt twice by the same person.

 

I"m just realising that for some reason I'm still so hurt, and being told that its not normal to still feel like this makes me feel like I"m a crazy/psycho. I try to remind myself that there are other situations that are much more painful/sad than mine, and sometimes that works and sometimes it doesnt.

[Dominique]

It is totally normal. What you feel is normal.

 

You are doing the right things. Try to focus on what's next for you and your life. That will help and as time passes you will feel less pain associated with this break.

 

It took me a year to get over my college sweetheart. We were together for five years. I cried a lot and went to a counselor after about 5 months because I felt so bad and it wasn't getting any better. What I learned is that it takes time to heal from heart break and there's nothing abnormal about that.

[MissCanuck]

Your counselors are wrong, unless there are details you've left out here which would explain why they're telling you it's not normal to be sad just 5 months on.

 

Don't contact him. You aren't ready to be friends, which is perfectly okay. It will take time and there will be triggers now and again, such as you're experiencing.

 

How long were you together, and why did you break up?

[Waraqqa]

If you are feeling the way you are feeling now, you are definitely not ready to be friends with him. Give it much much more time. And you are right and sensible for recognising that the contact should come from him, and not you. That is very good sense.

 

As for what is normal, there is no normal. I had break-ups that took me literally three days to recover from, even if I was initially very hurt (but it passed quickly). Alternatively, I had times when a year later I'd be suddenly missing the person. Currently, I'm still hurting and healing from a split that occured in October. Part of the reason for such a delay in healing is that we kept in contact and kept talking "as friends", which for me was excruciating, but I wasn't wise enough to step away. If he were a jerk, it would've been easier, but he was an awesome man and I messed things up, so I guess that's what makes it take longer.

 

In a nutshell: there is no specific cut-off time by which you are "supposed to" get over it. Keep NC, focus on yourself, growing, improving, developing; socialise with worthwhile people. Try to be in the present and not in the past. I know it is easier said than done, I'm in that boat too now. Miss him loads, plus memories of things I'm not proud of, but I have to keep going forward and make the best of myself and of each day.

[No1]

Wow, there is a lot going on there. In my view, I see denial, avoidance, fear, holding on to the past and someone who is paralyzed. OP, I dont mean to be harsh but what I see is the same as someone who was left at the altar and still wearing the same wedding dress a year later waiting for him to keep his promises. Ill be honest with you, if I was this guy and saw that after a year you had done nothing to improve your life, i would say have a good life and run for the hills.

Im sorry to say but the relationship is over. There is no lets give it a year and see if everything is right. He said that not to give you hope, but to let you down easy. His actions say that it is over and I dont want you in my life anymore. You cant hold on to the past or the promises he has said to you. The talk about getting married has to be thrown out the window because he is on another path. You might say that you know he wont come back, but you dont believe it. You are waiting for that 1 year mark to see if he reaches out to you. He wont, he is moving on with his life and he wants you to move on with yours. Im sure he wants you to be happy but he is not going to be a part of it. The relationship is over.

To me, it seems like you are avoiding to face your fears. Anytime you have to face the prospect of letting your X go, you go right back to your comfort zone and think of the past. There is nothing wrong with thinking of the great times and wonderful memories you had, you just cant let them run your life or dictate what you will do next. I know it feels great to be wanted and needed and you going back to the past is a sense of warmth and comfort, but it doesnt help you face your fear and that is letting him go and moving on. Are you afraid if you let him go that you might not find someone else? Or that you will be single forever? Or that if you let him go that will signal him that he meant nothing or the relationshop meant nothing? What is your fear if you let him go?

All this thinking and holding on has not allowed you to move forward. You are paralyzed by fear it can be scary to see what else is out there but I hope you realize that its not your X that you miss, but the feeling of being loved that you miss and hope that you see that your X is interchangeable. You can let him go, go out and find happiness within yourself and attract other guys and that feeling of being loved and wanted will come right back. But now instead of looking back, you and your new guy will be looking forward. But this cant happen if you allow fear to win. You and you alone control your happiness. I know its hard, I know its hard to let go but you can do it. Your X is not coming back so why do you check up on what he is doing? Looking at what he is doing is only hurting you and preventing you from Happiness. Let him go. I promise its going to be alright.

[Tomthumb88]

I'm around 4 months on and I still think of her.. I think that's ok and is normal but you need to make an effort to let go.

I tried being "friends" with my ex but it was really just an attempt to hold on. My ex will communicate with me but I came to the conclusion that I have no desire to exist on the outskirts of her life and I certainly don't want to see who she eventually replaces me with. Maybe at some point we can be friends but when I'm genuinely at that place why should I reach out to a person that comes with such disappointment? I suggest you give up thinking being friends is going to do anything but delay your healing.

[catfeeder]

I found it helpful to recognize that that only way to ever meet someone on higher ground someday is to get to that place on my own. Nobody's interested in resuming the same exact relationship with the same exact person they broke up with. So the only way to grow into a healthy, changed and desirable person is to become one.

 

I recognized that I could not do this in isolation, which would only keep digging a deeper hole to climb out of. Instead, I made it my goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back and create a good life for myself. That's the percentage play, because if ex ever wants to meet to catch up, I'll have reached high enough ground to approach him through new and confident vision, and if he never does, then I've pushed myself through healing to find happiness that renders him less and less relevant over time.

 

Since I couldn't enjoy much at the time, I could at least enjoy creating great memories for my friends and family, most of whom I'd somewhat neglected while in my relationship. Now was the time to make it up to them. I filled my calendar with commitments to spend time together, and I wouldn't blow them off, no matter what, because I'd make that time about them, not me.

 

Emotions FOLLOW behaviors, not the other way around. So I behaved my way into feeling valued, loved and appreciated for my efforts to help my loved ones. I helped paint rooms, clean out basements and garages, wash cars, do yard work, prep meals--I 'normalized' into the mundane lives of loved ones and gained inspiration for coming up with projects of my own. This process bonded me closer to the people I care about more than all the years prior, because I didn't feel like being 'on' enough to do more than show up and be a cheerful listener rather than drive the conversations while we worked or enjoyed meals together or attended events.

 

I did the opposite of bum everyone out with my problems--I helped them solve theirs. Not by offering advice, but by listening as they worked stuff through and came up with answers. In trying to avoid worrying people about me, I stepped up and became a good friend. There's nothing more healing than that.

 

Head high, you can do this.

[nicsau]

Thanks for the replies.

Tbh, I was/am doing really great. Since moving back to my hometown I've been so happy, there's so many things that I'm doing in my life (friends, family, sports, etc) that I hadn't been able to do when I was living in that new city. I know that getting brokenup with was the best thing for both of us, or we'd both be miserable with our lives. In fact, I had been thinking of doing it, so I'm kind of glad that he did it.

I still do hope that he will contact me again, because I miss him as a friend.

But yes, I think I will only truly let go of all hope at the end of the year.

I had previously dated a guy from 14-19yrsold- we split because we knew we were on different paths. We still love each other, but still believe we both on different life paths. I didn't date until this current ex at 23-25yrsold- if I think deeply I still love him, and I still wish that the world was only us 2 and we would be fine. But unfortunately, the world is more than just 2 people and there are other factors in life that interfere.

I don't know if he was letting me down easily or not, he stated that yes, if we were in different stages of our lives, then we could have worked. I'm not holding onto that in 1-2yrs we can reconsider in the sense that I'm just going to wait and wait. If someone right comes along, I am going to fall in love again, but if no one does, then maybe, just maybe I will try contact him at the end of the year.

The relationship is over. I understand that.

I guess, I still feel hurt by him, I feel it was our immaturity and selfishness, and we both had our own things we wanted to do. It really sucks, but I feel that that is what it was.