Please help! I need to open up and seek the support of others.

[thornz]

Hi all, I have extreme issues acknowledging and expressing my feelings. I am unable to know what I feel when asked, the majority of the time and I am rarely able to explain how I feel and ask for understanding or acceptance of my feelings.

 

I very rarely seek help or support from loved ones, I shut myself away, push people away and avoid contact with people in general. I am scared of my ability to cope with my own feelings but even more scared that others won't care or will use my feelings against me.

 

I have acknowledged this is extremely unhealthy and it's caused many issues in my relationships and contributed to the demise of my last romantic relationship

 

I am trying since then to go against my instincts and attempt conversation despite feeling crappy. It's not easy, I still haven't told my best friend about my break up, I didn't tell my brother or my other best friend for at least a week. Isn't that unhealthy? I'm feeling particularly sad today but going to call my brother later and chat with him. I know this is a step in the right direction even though it will be hard for me and I will feel like a burden.

 

Anybody got any tips? How can I break these bad habits? I am desperate to improve this aspect of myself.

 

Thanks

[Hollyj]

When did the trust issues begin? What are you afraid people will think if you share these problems? Hove you sought therapy?????

[LaHermes]

Thornz, you stated in an earlier thread:

 

"So, with that in mind I booked an emergency appointment with a psychotherapist who specialices in 3 types of therapy that I know are the perfect combination for me. Therapy to address childhood issues, therapy to address relationship issues and cognitive behavioural therapy to break the bad habits and rewire my brain. "

 

I know you only started therapy recently but how are you finding it. Progress?

 

I take it you have asked the therapist this:

 

"How can I break these bad habits? I am desperate to improve this aspect of myself.

[Fudgie]

Thornz

 

I relate a lot to you, both in this thread and your past threads, on this issue and other things too (like wanting to get/getting sterilized, not being overly romantic, etc)

 

I tend to repress my feelings and I am kind of isolated. The only thing that helps me is therapy. I'm STILL very isolated but I'm a lot healthier now and part of that is accepting how I am in some respects. I have my SO and my family but yeah, overall, I keep to myself and am very private and I can be a little paranoid but you know, that's okay.

 

I found out two things: identifying the destructive thought patterns and where did they come from and then also figuring out what about me is different and okay not to change. You will never be just like "everyone else". Key is to get to a place where you, personally, are happier and functional.

 

Therapy is very key here. It will be hard and it will suck but it's for you and your own benefit.

[thornz]

When did the trust issues begin? What are you afraid people will think if you share these problems? Hove you sought therapy?????

 

I'm assuming they began around 6 years old when I was dumped out of foster care back with my mentally ill neglectful mother. I was then put back into care at 15 where I was a lot happier. A friend (not even a close friend) died when I was 17 and that hit me very hard, I became afraid of loved ones dying. I was moved to supported lodgings in an isolated part of town away from my friends and foster family at 18. Here I became very sick with depression and anxiety, I was isolated and didn't realise I was ill and medication could help. I tried to take my own life. I woke up the next morning and I was devastated to still be alive.

 

I've been terrified of becoming that ill ever since and have tried desperately to avoid close attachments and be self sufficient so the loss of a loved one won't take me back to that dark place again. It's very sad really. I suppose I'm afraid of love. I don't trust my ability to cope with my feelings. I become very easily overwhelmed by even little things when I'm feeling vulnerable. When I'm feeling strong I take things in my stride.

 

I'm afraid I'll be a burden, that people will not care, that they will distance themselves from me, that they may use my weaknesses to hurt me, that they will dismiss my perspective, that they will try to invalidate my feelings, that they will think I'm pathetic or disgusting or weak. I'm always afraid in a relationship that if I confide how I feel to my partner he will think less of me and leave, or that he won't care about my feelings.

 

So far I seem to get into relationships that reinforce my fears, I'm not unopen to the likelihood that my behaviour results in unfavorable reactions from my partner that intensify or "prove" my beliefs.

 

Yes I was seeing a counselor for nearly 3 years and left to seek intensive therapy from a psychotherapist.

[thornz]

Thornz, you stated in an earlier thread:

 

"So, with that in mind I booked an emergency appointment with a psychotherapist who specialices in 3 types of therapy that I know are the perfect combination for me. Therapy to address childhood issues, therapy to address relationship issues and cognitive behavioural therapy to break the bad habits and rewire my brain. "

 

I know you only started therapy recently but how are you finding it. Progress?

 

I take it you have asked the therapist this:

 

"How can I break these bad habits? I am desperate to improve this aspect of myself.

 

Yes I had an intro "session" plus an actual session that I haven't seen any improvement from, nor do I expect to for some time as she is basically going through my childhood to establish any beliefs I have stemming from that. It will take months I imagine to even get through telling her everything of relevance. That is the first stage of 3.

 

The therapist said that neuroplasticity has been strongly supported by medical evidence and that CBT is very beneficial in remodelling neural pathways in the brain and that with hard work it will become more natural.

 

The worksheets she has given me and the ones I have printed off have been very beneficial and I actually used a CBT app to deal with my anxiety about coming to Poland for a wedding. I think I'm coping better than I expected. I have been working on the CBT every day since I got to Poland and intend to continue on my return. CBT will be the final stage with the therapist but she has encouraged me to work on it myself.

[LaHermes]

Good luck with the therapy, T. It will be beneficial and we must remember that psychotherapy can take a long time.

 

Meantime, enjoy that wedding in Poland. I am sure it will be fun!

[thornz]

Thornz

 

I relate a lot to you, both in this thread and your past threads, on this issue and other things too (like wanting to get/getting sterilized, not being overly romantic, etc)

 

I tend to repress my feelings and I am kind of isolated. The only thing that helps me is therapy. I'm STILL very isolated but I'm a lot healthier now and part of that is accepting how I am in some respects. I have my SO and my family but yeah, overall, I keep to myself and am very private and I can be a little paranoid but you know, that's okay.

 

I found out two things: identifying the destructive thought patterns and where did they come from and then also figuring out what about me is different and okay not to change. You will never be just like "everyone else". Key is to get to a place where you, personally, are happier and functional.

 

Therapy is very key here. It will be hard and it will suck but it's for you and your own benefit.

 

I never used to be isolated, that's the thing, I used to be a social butterfly, I wanted to make friends with the world. I've become isolated over time due to various reasons, some my own doing, some not. I don't want to be like this anymore, I want balance between privacy and social life.

 

I'm an avoidance coper and that is a result of my thoughts and negative beliefs about nobody caring and my inability to cope with my feelings if I admit to them. Hmmmm. Perhaps my inability to recognise my own feelings is purely down to my own suppression. It's likely such a strong habit, that's why I am unable to recognise my feelings and their trigger even when I try.

 

Yes I'm fully prepared to embrace the pain I might experience during therapy but I'm seeing it as the mental equivalent of feeling the burn. I'm not quite sure my wallet is prepared for the pain though lol

[thornz]

Good luck with the therapy, T. It will be beneficial and we must remember that psychotherapy can take a long time.

 

Meantime, enjoy that wedding in Poland. I am sure it will be fun!

 

Thanks, wedding has been and gone but I'm here until Monday. I'm using this opportunity to get stuck in with my therapy worksheets and try make a good start on reshaping my brain.

[catfeeder]

I've always found it helpful to remind myself during my most tender times that sensitivity and emotions doesn't make me a freak--it just feeeels that way. We're all just a bunch of frightened human animals doing the best we know how at any given time. When we can afford to help the next person through theirs, we become that much less self-preoccupied and one step closer to an emotional life where everything isn't always about ME.

 

When you can make a small point of being kind to someone else every. single. day, the strength that comes from putting yourself out a tad will build because you've made another person more important than your fears and self consciousness for that moment. The more of those moments you pursue, the easier it gets, until you actually enjOy being part of humanity again.

 

Head high, you can do this.

[thornz]

I've always found it helpful to remind myself during my most tender times that sensitivity and emotions doesn't make me a freak--it just feeeels that way. We're all just a bunch of frightened human animals doing the best we know how at any given time. When we can afford to help the next person through theirs, we become that much less self-preoccupied and one step closer to an emotional life where everything isn't always about ME.

 

When you can make a small point of being kind to someone else every. single. day, the strength that comes from putting yourself out a tad will build because you've made another person more important than your fears and self consciousness for that moment. The more of those moments you pursue, the easier it gets, until you actually enjOy being part of humanity again.

 

Head high, you can do this.

 

I think my problem is I might never have been pre-occupied enough to address my issues. I will always seek out distractions but not this time. I'm diving in head first.

 

I have been as sociable as I can manage. I've been so isolated for so long I find it just totally wipes me out. I think it will improve over time. I do try to do kind things for others but my social life is so restricted I don't get the opportunity very often.

[catfeeder]

I do try to do kind things for others but my social life is so restricted I don't get the opportunity very often.

 

So change that. There's a difference between "I can't" versus "I won't". Use the accurate word and CREATE opportunities to learn how to feel valued and appreciated by stepping up for people. It will heal you faster than anything else, as isolation just keeps drilling you a deeper hole to climb out of.

 

Remove your 'restrictions'. It's a decision.

[Hollyj]

I wish you the best with the new treatment. it sounds like the right way to go.

 

Have you tried volunteering? I agree with Cat, your attitude is really holding you back. YOUR CHOICE.

[thornz]

I wish you the best with the new treatment. it sounds like the right way to go.

 

Have you tried volunteering? I agree with Cat, your attitude is really holding you back. YOUR CHOICE.

 

I have tried volunteering on many occasions and all I can say is I'm not very good at sticking to it.

 

I've pushed myself to be sociable whilst in Poland and met up with my brother on the way back home. We had a chat and he offered me his support to help relocate back to my hometown.

 

I am going for a guided walk with a walking group I occasionally walk with on Weds, Therapy Friday then off back up to my hometown for the weekend. I've applied for work closer to my hometown too.

 

I'm making the effort to avoid isolation as I know it will make things worse.

[Batya33]

"I have tried volunteering on many occasions and all I can say is I'm not very good at sticking to it. "

 

Not an excuse if you truly want to connect with people. It doesn't have to be volunteering but the excuse of "I'm not very good at sticking with it" basically needs to be banished from your list of excuses. Tried and true cliche that nothing good comes easy. And I've done so many many things that I didn't think I could "stick with" and most of what I have that's worth anything in my life is because I refused to indulge in that excuse.

[catfeeder]

I have tried volunteering on many occasions and all I can say is I'm not very good at sticking to it.

 

I hear. You can think of volunteering in less formal terms, such as helping a neighbor, friend or family wash their car or clean up their yard or paint a room or prep a meal. I often say to friends, either privately or in a group, "I've been having a tough time with anxiety and could really use some projects to commit to. If you're planning to tackle anything around your home or could use some help with an errand or shopping trip, I'd consider it a personal favor if you'd set a date for me to help you."

 

When I make these kinds of commitments, I won't blow them off, because I've specifically asked to be of service and I'm too prideful to flake on people. That's the point. Whenever I can use a dose of feeling valued and appreciated, I'm willing to earn it. I can't even explain how much this has helped me to ascend beyond self created barriers. It needs to be experienced to be learned--and it's positively shocking what involvement in the mundane matters of others can do to 'normalize' me during my deepest grief or heightened stress.

 

Three mantras that helped: "Emotions FOLLOW behaviors, not the other way around." This moves me forward to do stuff I don't 'feel like' doing by reminding myself that I will thank myself later for the push. Also, "Resilience" reminds me of my personal goal to develop resilience as a life skill, which my past was sorely lacking. Lastly, "I can do this." I use this under my breath whenever needed.

 

Also, watch your language when making self descriptive statements. Consider each statement to be subliminally hypnotic, so you'll avoid prescribing a self fulfilling prophesy. For instance, in your statement above, it's okay to conclude something about your past, but keep it in the past tense. "I wasn't good at sticking to it (volunteering), as opposed to "I AM not good at..." The first is an assessment of past behavior, while the second is a prognosis--and that's a rut digger.

 

making the effort to avoid isolation as I know it will make things worse.

 

Good. Isolation breeds a self preoccupation that only snowballs larger as your world becomes smaller and smaller. It creates a state of what therapists call 'navel gazing,' which is the kind of habitual overthinking that builds barriers of rigidity and complexity around the most simple and straightforward things.

 

Sure, reflection and self examination are useful, but not to a degree of social paralysis. That's why stepping out of our own way to pursue service to others (of ANY kind) can break down self imposed barriers in ways that 'thinking' cannot. I'm all for therapy, and I'm also for balance. Progress can't happen in a vacuum, and it rarely helps to diagnose a problem then attempt to counter is by engaging in opposite extremes.

 

Head high.

[thornz]

Ah yes, OK, the formal types I never stuck to because of a few reasons plus I felt they took away more from me in energy expenditure and time than I gained back. I know that's not the purpose of volunteering but I feel I have so little to spare at times it was too much like hard work.

 

The odd jobs and helping strangers in the street or in the supermarket I do whenever I'm given the opportunity.

 

I did actually ask in Poland for some errands to run for my friend who was getting married but drew a blank.

 

Naval gazing. That hit me like a punch in the gut. I will look into that, I think it's likely my habit of a lifetime.

 

I'm still feeling poop but out with a walking group tonight. No isolation allowed!

 

I'm trying very hard with my self talk and everything else. Do you think it's possible with hard work to become very mentally healthy?

[LaHermes]

What is a Mentally Healthy Person?

An Interview with Robert Firestone PhD

 

Excerpt:

 

".....what his goals would be for a person as an outcome of successful psychotherapy.

 

First of all, it depends a lot on their own motivation and their particular goals for themselves. But in general, the kind of person I would like to see them be is one who had a strong sense of themselves; a person who could deal with feelings; a person who was non-defensive; a person who had a strong sense of values; a person whose values were inner directed, rather than outer directed; a person who was neither defiant nor submissive, but independent.

 

Basically, I would like them to have human qualities; the capacity to be compassionate, the capacity to deal with abstract reasoning, the capacity to be creative, to express their uniqueness as a person. Without a sense of your own values, you are like a ship without a rudder; without a sense of direction. And one of the things people block out early in their lives are their personal goals. The biggest defense if you are being hurt or damaged is to not want. The easiest thing is to not want anything or be self-denying; instead of pursuing one’s goals cleanly."

 

Thornz, trying too hard is as bad as not trying at all. But keeping your eye on the goal is important.

 

I hope you can continue the psychotherapy, as you will need that support. I think you mentioned that you have lost your job......

[Batya33]

"I did actually ask in Poland for some errands to run for my friend who was getting married but drew a blank. "

 

did you ask about alternative ways to help? I agree you shouldn't volunteer if you're not interesting in doing the work. I work and I volunteered from 8 to 10am a few weeks ago and was exhausted when I was done (including getting there on time!) - but the hard work part of it didn't detract from the enjoyment -in a way it was part of the challenge. I've volunteered there several times and made really good connections with other volunteers and the guy who organizes it. Highly recommend it if you'll reconsider.

[thornz]

"I did actually ask in Poland for some errands to run for my friend who was getting married but drew a blank. "

 

did you ask about alternative ways to help? I agree you shouldn't volunteer if you're not interesting in doing the work. I work and I volunteered from 8 to 10am a few weeks ago and was exhausted when I was done (including getting there on time!) - but the hard work part of it didn't detract from the enjoyment -in a way it was part of the challenge. I've volunteered there several times and made really good connections with other volunteers and the guy who organizes it. Highly recommend it if you'll reconsider.

 

I asked about 5 times and on the one occasion I helped out I was told off by the bride to be for being in the reception suite before the wedding.

 

I'm going to see my friend this weekend who has a new baby and a house to renovate. I will ask her if she needs a hand.

[thornz]

If I wanted to volunteer I've now got the added issue of not being able to afford to travel. I think I will focus on job hunting for now. I can think about volunteering when I've got that sorted.

[thornz]

What is a Mentally Healthy Person?

An Interview with Robert Firestone PhD

 

Excerpt:

 

".....what his goals would be for a person as an outcome of successful psychotherapy.

 

First of all, it depends a lot on their own motivation and their particular goals for themselves. But in general, the kind of person I would like to see them be is one who had a strong sense of themselves; a person who could deal with feelings; a person who was non-defensive; a person who had a strong sense of values; a person whose values were inner directed, rather than outer directed; a person who was neither defiant nor submissive, but independent.

 

Basically, I would like them to have human qualities; the capacity to be compassionate, the capacity to deal with abstract reasoning, the capacity to be creative, to express their uniqueness as a person. Without a sense of your own values, you are like a ship without a rudder; without a sense of direction. And one of the things people block out early in their lives are their personal goals. The biggest defense if you are being hurt or damaged is to not want. The easiest thing is to not want anything or be self-denying; instead of pursuing one’s goals cleanly."

 

Thornz, trying too hard is as bad as not trying at all. But keeping your eye on the goal is important.

 

I hope you can continue the psychotherapy, as you will need that support. I think you mentioned that you have lost your job......

 

Yes I had to cancel my therapy session booked for tomorrow. According to that definition of mentally healthy I'm far from it, it's given me some goals to work towards. At least I have a strong sense of values!

[Batya33]

I asked about 5 times and on the one occasion I helped out I was told off by the bride to be for being in the reception suite before the wedding.

 

I'm going to see my friend this weekend who has a new baby and a house to renovate. I will ask her if she needs a hand.

 

Yes, that one person sounds like she didn't respond appropriately or thoughtfully. I agree that job hunting takes priority over volunteering although volunteering in the right environment can lead to networking/job leads.

[LaHermes]

Indeed, many organisations like the Red Cross (just an example) offer paid employment, and besides in the case of volunteering they offer mileage payment.

[Batya33]

Indeed, many organisations like the Red Cross (just an example) offer paid employment, and besides in the case of volunteering they offer mileage payment.

"I never stuck to because of a few reasons plus I felt they took away more from me in energy expenditure and time than I gained back. I know that's not the purpose of volunteering but I feel I have so little to spare at times it was too much like hard work. "

 

In my experience in volunteering (other than a random hour or two here or there in a school setting cleaning up after a teacher's lunch)- it can be "hard work" and going into it expecting to "get more" than you give and not wanting to do hard work is a non-starter and kind of unfair to the fellow volunteers and the organization. Certainly, if the particular volunteer opportunity is not a good fit -just like with any job -it's fine to stop with that organization as long as it's not breaking a commitment (some organizations spend time training the person). The ones that do require actual work or hard work are often the best for meeting like minded people - you might meet awesome people handing out cups of water to runners who are raising money for a cause - but it's more likely when you work with those people over time and and/or for something where you'd have skills in common.

If you volunteer weekly at a food bank, the work is "hard" and often not "professional" level if you're serving food, but the weekly part is what can bear fruit (again no guarantees). If your fellow volunteers don't see a sense of enthusiasm and rolling up your sleeves and getting to work, the prospects of socializing/networking with those people are kind of dim, just like people aren't so fond of that sort at a real job. And for the right person certainly bears a sense of accomplishment and contribution. Or, pick something that uses some of your skills that you want to improve on or sharpen.

 

But I wouldn't do the Red Cross unless you want to work hard and not have the expectation of getting back. Just like your focus at a real job is not to "get back" more than a paycheck because even if we're told about advancement, mentoring, etc. that's not guaranteed and often the icing on the cake.