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He is married...


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I've loved this man 20 years, we was together and broke up, than after 10 years we find each other again and it was like we didn't skip a beat. Except he has always been married to this woman. When we found each other again I was married. Instantly we talked about being together again, two weeks later I leave my husband, and get a divorce. But he didn't leave his marriage. In 20 years I've never been to his home. Never met his children. But he has been in my home, my kids know him. We have went to the beach together and he and I do things together and I love him. We have trust issues, he thinks I cheated on him 20 years ago, but how was it cheating if he is married? He never hid the fact that he is married, but here we are 10 years into being together again and he is still married, says his wife doesn't live there. He once said he didn't want to tear apart his daughters lives, he needed to get them threw school, graduate and then we would truly be together. They are grown, both graduated. And I'm still sleeping alone, actually I do everything alone. I love him, I just don't love how this relationship is. I don't want to leave him, I don't want to live like this any more either. I don't want anyone else, I just want more from him. I'm so conflicted

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It appears that you can't have both. Either you leave him or you continue to live like this. You have tried the latter for the past decade and you never got together. In fact, you have spent 30 years loving this man and you never got on the same page. The definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing expecting a different result. You either accept what is or break up. It's that simple. He has demonstrated that he is never getting a divorce.

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Let me see if I understand... this man wants you to be exclusive to him and uses that as an excuse now yet he doesn't need to be exclusive because he's still married and always was when you had your fling? He never takes you home but says his wife doesn't live there? Yeah right.

 

I think you know the right answer to all of this... it's just that you don't want to do it because you probably have romanticized all this and you're comfortable but at the same time uncomfortable in this limbo.

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He sounds a selfish individual who's used emotional manipulation to get his cake and eat it too! A guy's honesty is in his actions. This guy honours that he's married and comfortably fooling round with you. You can only be second best even if he lies about it by avoiding the subject or making you feel bad about what he thinks you did. This guy? He's a creep no respectful, dignified person would date let alone want anything to do with. Respect yourself first.

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OP. You say:

 

"I don't want to leave him, I don't want to live like this any more either. I don't want anyone else, I just want more from him"

 

Have you ever heard the expression "you can't take anything out of an empty bag".

 

Well, that is your situation. You are wasting your valuable life on this individual.

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OMG you have spent decades being used by this guy and are either blind to it or you are willing to put up with it. He isnt going to get divorced, if he was he'd have done it long ago. He's stringing you along, and you are a fool to put up with it. The number of years you have wasted on this guy when you could have had someone who was actually available to you (maybe your husband???) is pathetic. Get a grip on yourself, move on from this guy, and vow to never get sucked in like this again. Life is too short.

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Also try to address why are you so emotionally unavailable that you chose such an unavailable partner to pin on for so long. You want him to commit but at the same time you chose (yes, you chose) a man that is not willing to commit with you instead of someone available. It's worth to do some introspection and try to understand: What are you expecting from this? What are you trying to avoid by wanting a married man that is not willing to divorce? Being vulnerable in a real relationship? What part of this relationship is fantasy and what part is real? Why are you putting your validation system and life in general (and your kids) in the hands of a married cheater?

 

It might be painful but it's worth to think about these things. Because the real issue here is not if he will divorce his wife and commit to you or not... the real issue here is why you choose to put up with this and what brought you to this. As soon as you understand what it is, you can start working to address these issues and break this unhealthy pattern of choosing unavailable men and put your life on their hands.

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OMG you have spent decades being used by this guy and are either blind to it or you are willing to put up with it. He isnt going to get divorced, if he was he'd have done it long ago. He's stringing you along, and you are a fool to put up with it. The number of years you have wasted on this guy when you could have had someone who was actually available to you (maybe your husband???) is pathetic. Get a grip on yourself, move on from this guy, and vow to never get sucked in like this again. Life is too short.

 

I will never understand this type of scenario. It is so foolish.

 

You are his mistress. You are both cheating on his wife and kids. Terrible!

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