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My journey to freedom


JustinPonders

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I've decided to begin my own journal. I need all the help I can get.

 

Today was my nieces 9th grade graduation. Of course I went. Love her so much. She's so smart and happy little girl. It was a fun day spending time with my family. Tomorrow I'll be at my nephew's birthday party so that should be fun too. All these distraction are coming at a good time. Last week was tough. I was thinking about her a lot. As usual, regret, sorrow, sadness, loneliness, jealousy, envy, doubt, insecurities all surfaced greatly. I think it was mostly due to the fact that I've been holding everything in for the last few months. I haven't really spoken to anyone in person about my problems in a good while. I feel I've been suppressing a lot of my frustration for far too long. Hence why I'm here. It would be nice to meet someone, preferably a stranger, who really gets me and is willing to listen and help guide me in the right direction. God, you listening?

 

I've also been listening to a great audio book about financial freedom that's really helped me to think about being my own boss again. I know I'm a great talent, motivator and leader. I feel it within and it's dying to express itself, only I've been holding myself back. Mainly due to insecurities, doubt and fear. It's time I start acting. I really need to be my own boss. This is my destiny. I can do so much good if I can be financially free. Now I just have to be creative with my time and talents to put all this together. I have to stop making excuses. I'll admit I've been stalling because of fear but I think I've finally reached a point in life where my negative thinking is being overridden by this sensational urge to breakthrough. Basically, I'm sick of being a nobody wasting precious time here on earth because of fear and doubt. Enough is enough!

 

Now if I can only have my ex back! haha

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Last night was my nephews birthday and it was a lot of fun. I ate delicious food and drank my usual tequila. Even though I didn't get drunk. A lot of positive energy. Family is great. I did think about my ex here and there. I just miss her face, her sexiness that I was so drawn too, her kisses, her eyes. Dam. To think I can't ever see her again to me just feels and sounds weird. It almost feels like she was my family if that makes any sense, only she disowned me and never wants anything to do with me. I keep thinking how I messed so many good opportunities up, after the breakup, to make things right but that I screwed those up too. I just hate myself for that, especially when I broke NC 2 months ago. That was the worst mess-up to date. Now she has me completely blocked on fb and she has no respect for me unfortunately. I just wish I had some way to reearn her respect. I miss you baby. I wish i can turn baxk time and do things differently.

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I had a long talk with my 1st cousin about my ex. Keep in mind I've had almost no relationship with my cousin in years and not due to problems or anything, it's just he has his own family, living his own life and I had mine so we kinda stopped talking for a good while. I love him to death thought. But finally tonight we got together at his mother's house and it was like old times. It was a blast. But as the night progressed him and I decided to go for a beautiful walk around the neighborhood. The area is surrounded by beautiful trees and homes in the hills. It was such peace and quite. We walked a good mile. It started off where we were just kinda of catching up on some funny things, nothing serious. I finally felt the timing was just right and slowly laid it on him about me and my ex. At first he didn't quite understand the magnitude of my situation until I started explaining to him the details. In a matter of a few minutes he was at attention.

 

He knew I was serious. I can only say that he was very shocked. He realized that what I was dealing with was with a woman who was mentally disturbed and abusive. After a good while of explaining our history we came to some pretty groundbreaking conclusions. I mean most of it wasn't things I didn't know already but the now it was out on the table, actually discussed face to face with someone, wow, it kind of opened my eyes even more. I was mentally abused!!! This whole time I felt guilty for messing up the relationship but the truth is I was going to lose regardless if I never opened my mouth the day I initially broke up with her. I was in a lose-lose situation. The breakup was inevitable. We really talked man, I mean talked. By the time we got back to his mom's house we were kneed deep in this discussion.

 

He was incredibly helpful and supportive. I mean he's always been like this but he saw in the tone of my voice and my body language that I meant business. I don't think he's ever seen me like this, ever. I can tell he was really committed to helping me and boy did he. It felt so good to let it all out. He was a Gods send. What's ironic was just a few days ago I asked God to send me someone with an open ear and a helpful voice and here he brought my cousin. It all just worked out perfectly too. I couldn't have asked for a better person. I feel so grateful and honored that he was the one God chose to use. Now, I don't think this is going to make me completely 100% over her but I do feel much, much better now. I don't feel as guilty ruing the relationship and I dunno, I just don't want to talk too soon. I mean I feel great now but I know sadness and regret can hit at random times when I least expect it but for the time being it feels good to let everything out. This is exactly what I need, honestly. Basically, the conclusion was I was playing with a scorpion that eventually bit me and now I need to make wiser choices for the future. I have to stop being to focused on physical looks and stop being blinded by looks only. Now, if I can just meet someone I can be compatible with soon? God?

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Today's been weird. Didn't go to work because I had a contact lense reaction. Felt like a waste of day. Couldn't even do my classes online. But thinking about her was minimal. And felt almost no pangs. I hope it stays this way but then again I've been here before and failed the next day so I shouldn't talk too soon. I'm always worried that I might relapse any day and that part scares me. I did have a slight moment when i grazed through my exes sister's fb account, not really realizing that I was doing it. It's so weird not seeing her as I once did being as my ex used to live with her. It so weird how close you can be to someone and get used to their lives and suddenly it's all gone. It's very very sad and weird. Life indeed is strange. Life will forever be an enigma. My heart feels great sadness now, lonely and missing them unfortunately.

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Well, so far so good. Dare I say I'm actually feeling good. I'm not feeling those deep, deep feelings of regret, sorrow, depression, envy and what not as of late. Yes, I still do think about her but certainly the negative feelings mentioned above don't have their potency at all. Dare I say I almost feel complete indifference thinking about her when I was in deep thought last night just before bed. Thank God! But...im sure there is a caveat. I don't want to speak too soon because I'm afraid I might slip back into the whirlwind of mental hell if I'm too cocky and just be humble. I dunno if thus new found strength is due to my discussion I had with my cousin or that I've been writing here on these boards, either case I like where this is going.

 

I do have my hopes set on a particular path that I certainly hope I can learn and become good at. If this pans out my dreams can finallt come true after 42 years but it's very, very difficult and scary. I hope that at my age I still have enough time, will and fortitude to follow through. Also, I do hope in the near future I can finally meet someone I'm compatible with and just fall in love and get married already. I really wanna make this happen and I'm determined to get it.

 

Life so far has been going pretty good. I actually prayed a great thanks to God in great appreciation for my new found strength. I always told God that I don't just ask for things in time of need but that I also say thank you in times of good. Once again God, thank you for this new found strength. I certainly hope this lasts and Lord please offer me the strength and determination to make my dreams happen. Thank you Lord!

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Well, today has been a little harder. I knew this would happen. I just knew it. There are days when you feel you're almost 100% over the ex and then the next day is a whole different ballpark. I mean I'm not that bad, just a little anxiety. I definitely was thinking more about her but I've come to realize at this point it's not about love but just the missing of a companion that I found really attractive. I miss having someone to call, talk too, share intimate stories, give advice, get advice, feel appreciation, love, support, sex. I dunno. I guess I kinda took 1 step back today but then again I expected this to happen so no surprise. Although I will say I'm pretty happy at the fact that my schooling has been going pretty good. I really hope that portion of my life continues to improve. If I can reach a level of satisfaction then I guess I can finally call it a career. Fingers crossed!

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I've been extremely frustrated lately, like really bad. I had a breakdown last night because of built up frustration with just about everything. I'm so sick and tired of being mediocre. I've been trying to get through these studies but I can't seem to wrap my head around the language and it's so incredibly frustrating. I feel like I'm stupid and I'm incapable of learning an art that I so badly want but can't seem to understand it. Plus, lack of career and now with my ex in the back of my head it really has been frustrating. I'm just so sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired. It's like everyday feels like groundhogs day. I'm so angry inside that I want to literally explode like a supernova. I want to let go of this anger but I can't. Everyday seems to be a reminder of just why I want to stay angry because I'm just stuck in this funk that I'm trying my best to get out of. Life is not fair. But I'm sick of blaming my past mistakes and choices. It just feels terrible. I keep thinking why did I do this? why did I do that? It's driving me crazy! Why can't God understand that I'm a human being and I made bad choices in life that I was unaware of. Of course now that I'm aware it feels too little too late. I'm really doing my best to be a better person but I'm just always so frustrated and angry inside. It's like can't God recognize that I'm trying and help me out a little? Can't I catch a break? Can't someone or something come into my life and just give me a jump start again? I'm not asking for much. I'm not asking to be given things on a silver platter. I just want to feel hope. That's all I'm asking for at this point. HOPE.

 

I need all the help I can get now. I just feel like I'm stuck in a deep, dark hole. I feel hopeless and in this hopelessness I'm trying to reignite some life back into myself but it's so dam hard. How does one do this? I've heard of so many successful stories of people who were once in my situation but climbed out of their deep, dark holes to make a better life for themselves but yet I'm just not even close. I don't understand how they did it!!! This is what's frustrating. Am I just doomed? Am I expecting too much? Am I over my head with what I want to become and who I want to be with? I keep asking the universe to show me the way but get nothing in return. This too is frustrating because I feel super alone and that God perhaps isn't listening or whiling to help when everyone always says that God will help if you reach out. I feel extremely alone and hopeless when I really want to be hopeful and full of love. I think I'm just doing things wrong. I mean I have to be. This isn't normal. I was never like this. Now I'm 42 and I just feel so...so.....scared, hopeless and alone. I'm sick of being scared. I'm sick of it. I want to feel empowered in life just for one. I watch all these great people on the internet and tv and I'm just amazed how successful and full of life most of these people are. Ya, most of it is a mirage but at least they've accomplished something in life. Me? ha! I haven't amounted to anything in life. A BIG fat Zero. I just don't believe in myself. I know my father had a lot to do with it. I really hate him. I hated what he stood for and what he left behind; a shattered, insecure me. Yes, these are just a bunch of excuses, but what else can I think and feel when all I do that is anything meaningful is met with failure. I've let myself down so much that I don't trust or believe in myself. I want to feel confidence. I want to be empowered. I want to be the person I dream to want to be but sometimes I feel I'm just doing it all wrong and I don't know how to do things the right way or have the will to do things the right way. This is the frustration that I'm feeling!

 

Just a bunch of excuses, I know.

 

And on top of it I'm still thinking about the ex. 1 year, 1 friggin' year after the breakup and I'm STILL thinking about her. Ya, it's not as potent but still. I haven't moved on completely because I feel deep down I'll never meet someone I was as attracted too with the commonalities that we once had. Here's the other negative side of my thinking. I just feel I won't meet someone again. Not like her. Ya, she was flawed and stupid me I should've just accepted her for who she was and been more patient and loving but instead I was the opposite and now I'm all alone. More added frustration. At least when I was with her I didn't feel alone. I felt like someone actually cared about me and wanted to spend time with me. Instead, I went and screwed it all up like a moron. Now I'm stuck all alone not even remotely feeling like I'm going to meet someone else that I was as attracted to like my ex. Good job dude, good job for screwing it up. The saddest part is she'd rather speak to a homeless man than to me. That's what's sad. She doesn't even care if I'm alive or dead. How sad. And it was all my fault. But God doesn't give to zzz about my frustration. I've learned from my mistakes but I just feel that all my opportunities of the past that I totally screwed up are now all dried up. Now, everything is just bland, boring and meaningless. My anger is really building up right now. I know I'm getting myself worked up but it's what I feel. I feel angry for screwing so many opportunities. Where I could've had a career, house, wife, children is instead loneliness, single, crap job, no house of my own and barely any savings. Boy, that's something to look forward to in life at my age. Good job dude, really good job.

 

Hey, the good news is I'm about half way through my life and judging by my continues everyday frustration and anger I won't live as long like most healthy people. At least I have death to look forward to. How sad, how friggin' sad to live like this.

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I'm At my nephews graduation but couldn't help but think about my ex. It was 3 years ago today that I was at this very same school for my other nephews graduation, a time before I met my now ex. All I kept thinking was wow, if I only knew then what I know now I could have done things different. And now, here I am still heartbroken and regretful for how things ended. It didn't help that a woman sitting close by was wearing the same dan candy scented perfume my ex wore. My anxiety and memories literally shot through the roof with every wif. I'm so sad now, so sad. I still hit myself for having broken NC so many times. Had I kept my cool and not bothered her after the breakup we might have cone back together. Instead all I did was boosted her ego and made it super easy for her to leave me without a thought. I was weak. I'll be honest I'm so upset, heartbroken, regretful and empty inside right now when i should be hapoy. I can't even begin to explain the feeling. This just sux

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It's been an interesting roller-coaster to say the least. Life has so far been a pretty interesting journey. I mean the amount of crap that gets thrown at us on a daily, weekly, monthly, yearly basis you'd think we're going through life like a vulnerable ship through an asteroid field. Have I still been thinking about my ex? Of course! Tell me something I already don't know. I find myself making deals with God all the time now, not like he/she/it is listening. Anyway, I don't have much to say tonight.

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