An Amicable Break Up

[peep]

Background My ex-bf [21] and I f[20] broke up two months ago because of the fact that he is 1)graduating college 2) long distance would weigh us down in terms of having the obligation to each other 3) we don't know the trajectory of our future, so it would be LD w.out an end in sight. We were together for 1 1/2 years – we go to a small college so the relationship and bond we had is quite deep. No abuse, good communication and great compatibility. His parents and extended family all had great impressions of me. His aunt even told him that he was dumb to break up with me. Each passing month our relationship got better and better. But I do think that in the last few months of the relationship, the quality did diminish because of his impending graduation. We broke up prior to graduation because I wanted to use the remaining time in the semester to try and convince him that long distance was sustainable, which would create a strained and unhealthy relationship.

 

I don't blame him for wanting to break up – the next year he has to deal with a lot of personal development and confront challenging questions about he wants to take his career. For me, the next year I'm still comfortably a college student and the pressure is still not as big (tho i'll have to deal with it very very soon).

 

After the break up, still on campus After the break up, it didn't sink in so we hooked up but that made both of us sad so we did very LC for 3-4 weeks. LC was good for both of us to just gain perspective and focus on ourselves. The last week and a half before his graduation, he asked to talk because he needed to get stuff off his chest. He admitted that he hooked up with a random underclassmen (i already knew but I never told him), he felt as if he betrayed me. I comforted him because he was tearing up and told him there is nothing for me to forgive – he needs to do what he needs to do to be happy and move on. He said that hooking up didn't make him happy and he really missed me.

 

We ended up hooking up, but it was different than the past post-break up hook ups because the we had more time to process the break up and I'd say we both have more emotional grounding than prior hook ups. Was it the most healthy thing to do? Probably not. But I certainly don't regret it.

 

But besides actually hooking up we did talk and hang out during the week and a half. Knowing that in the future we really might never see each other again – we agreed that breaking up is the best and most mature decision. He and I loosely mentioned that this door between us is not closed – both for a future friendship but also relationship. But that doesn't mean there are not other doors. Tho we both try to avoid talking about a future relationship because no one can plan that and theres no point is discussing it. We were suppose to exchange letters before we left campus. I gave him mine, but he didn't have his ready so he said he was going to give it to me later, in August when we happen to both be in the same city. There is a lot of love between us and at no point during the break up did we ever yell or feel resentful of each other.

 

After the break up, off campus Its been 2 weeks since we left campus. He has been be traveling after graduation. I've been trying to do NC, but its more LC – either one of us reaching out bc of logistical things (we made a purchase of two Kickstarter earbuds together and there were problems w. shipping) or he sends me photos of his travels. I recently got my wisdom teeth removed and he asked about it, even if my cheeks were swollen – which i responded to but he didn't reply – which I should not let it bother me but is? I'm trying to only reach out to him for very specific purposes like clarify the shipping addresses. Other than that, I very much intend on following through w. everyone's advice on ENA to do NC until we meet up in August (and I'm going to need your guy's help with how to go about it!!)

 

Now intend on keeping this distance between us once he graduates and living my life for myself. I recognize what I do not have control over – his actions and feelings, the inevitable physical distance between us. I've been lurking on this site for so long reading the massive "getting back together can happen!", I know that both of us need space to change and grow and move on before I should even consider an actual friendship, even more so if we ever want to start a new relationship. And in the end, the end game is for me to be happy, not necessarily to be with him. At least in the next two years, I need to finish my senior year and I plan to spend a year abroad.

 

I think thus far, I'm able to handle this moving on part on my own, but I posted just to get more suppose and insight and amazing advice.

[WombatShadow]

You seem to be doing pretty well and have a good grasp of things. I'm not an advocate for No Contact in situations like this where both parties seem to have their heads screwed on straight, because if you were lovers for a long time you were also likely friends. That seems to be the route you're taking, and while it might take longer to completely heal from the breakup I think it'll make it easier in the long run should you decide to become friends or lovers once more.

 

Are you planning on trying for more relationships in the meanwhile? I wouldn't hold out for a future relationship that might never happen, but of course you might not want to start a new relationship when you're getting ready to go abroad for a year. Whichever you choose to do, try not to lean too too much on your ex, because that could end up hurting both of you more. Live your life and feel free to stay in contact, but try to keep the deep conversations down. You're doing well with it so far, but the temptation will likely be a thing for some time to come.

[peep]

Thanks so much – after reading so many ppl on ENA advocate for doing hard NC, its nice to hear something specific to my situation and know that LC is also appropriate. I certainly am trying to keep the number of interactions low and to the point! Lets see how the meet up in August goes