How to Tell if Second Guessing Thoughts Are Real

[Dragon55]

Hey guys,

This is going to be a longer post, but here is a link to my last two posts if you want a more detailed description of what happened.

Basically from the beginning of my relationship, she kinda bounced around from relationship to relationship. When she met me, she said she wasnt ready for a relationship. But she dated me anyway. After a month of dating, she called me and said that she was afraid that I was not going to be able to stick up for myself and was going to break up for me because of it. I later found out why she said this...as she would get very angry and irritated very quickly with small stuff that I did wrong. I am terrible with directions and cooking. She would get frustarted very quickly with me on stuff like that and would get angry. Shes a perfectionist and she wanted everything done fast and her way. She grew up very independent and I did not so I had a lot of learning to do with "real world stuff" ( I am 20 yrs old in college). However, we fell in love very quickly....about a month in to the reationship, we told each other we loved each other. After that, I started to see the real person she was. There are a lot of instances that she would blow up over small things; we got a turtle together and I was trying to clean it and I spilt the rocks in the sink and she got so mad that she locked herself in her room and wouldnt talk to me. Over the summer, I got her sister pudding after she had surgery (trying to be nice). She then told me I took too long to come into the door because her dogs were barking and she yelled at me and told me that I'm a child and drove me back to return the pudding and yelled at me the whole way back to the store. She apologized right away. We decided that we needed a "signal" for her to know when she was doing something wrong because I could not express myself being hurt or angry at her....however, the small annoyances still continued. When I would put music on the radio she would get frustrated with the kind of music I would play. Once, I went downtown to meet up with her and her friends and I was alone; I could not find her and she hung up and told me to "figure it out". At times, I just felt so useless and crappy. We went on vacation and she would get frustrated with me on how I would take the picture the wrong way. On the same vacation, I didnt know where we were on a map and I missed a turn and she yelled at me for that and the same morning, she went to the bathroom and came back and was mad at me for not starting breakfast because she doesnt want to be stuck doing everything if we ever got married. A lot of small things accumulated like this and i honestly internalized them. I never grew up having to stick up to anyone....let alone my girlfriend. I have a hard time hearing as well and we would talk on the phone often and for a long time so i would go on social media sometimes while we were on the phone talking, but I used to call her after work and she would get so frustrated when I couldnt hear her. Then, in November, I found she was still texting her ex bf that she was dating a couple months before me and the messages were very friendly. She apolgized right away and she knew she messed up. However, that was the standard I set for the relationship ever since then. That was the most mad that I've ever been at her and I didnt yell at her or anything. She told me that if she was in my shoes, she would have walked out of the dorm. The next couple of months were okay. She would still get frustarted at some small things but not as bad. However, there was a couple of weeks in March that were not good.... one day she was running late for school and she asked me to make her lunch and i tried to make something and she said that i make everything harder. one weekend she was drinking and she let me drive her back and she was yelling at me for how i was driving. Then the next weekend, we went to her house and we were trying to get her dogs into one room and i couldnt get them and she said in front of her mom and sister "ugh, youre making things worse babe". her sister gave her a look like why would she say that. I asked her about it and she apoligized and I was stioll upset by it and i told her about it and she said she apoligzed and that it should be over with. This turned into an hour long arguement and she said "is this what our realtionship has come to? You being mad at me for stuff that you mess up on?"

I guess that I started to secong guess the relationship....and i told myself i would stick up for myself. I knew she was going to go to mad school and i was worrried what would happen then because of how stressed she was going to be as a mad student and as a doctor. So we got into a dumb arguement about whether or not girls can play baseball as well as guys...we both made mistakes that night. I texted my brother something about her saying that she was "feminist as f&%k lol". and she later saw that and i told her i wasnt texting anyone. But before she saw that, she was going to break up with me because she didnt want to be with someone who had that opionion. Ever since then, things changed with me. I got so mad at her for everything and all of those doubts crept up and started to linger in my mind. Whenever i wasnt with her, I would second guess the relationship and I would be so mad and I could tell I didnt have the same feelings. I told her this and she said she wanted me to be all in or nothing, i kept saying yes i wanted to try and see if i got my feelings back, but whenever i wasnt with her, I would think about the bad stuff and how i would be better off alone. One night, she asked if i wanted to stay and I said yes, but she wanted all of my trust and i honestly couldnt give it to her....i needed to know i could trust her because i was hurt. She then told me she couldnt take it anymore and told me to leave. After that, i broke up with her and she kept apoligizing and she knew she messed up.

She then emailed me saying a couple days after that she was getting to be borderline emotionally abusive toward me and she apolgizied and that shes going to get therapy.....she has apolgiized several times.

Ever since then, i have been having second thoughts about the relationship.....i cannot tell if i miss her or just having a girlfriend. at the end of the relationship, it got to the point where i was just so frustarted at everything she did and i relaized i was almost getting to be like her. and i hated that about me. I must mention that did do a lot for me throughout the course of the relationship. I did not have a car and she picked me up from an hour away to see me and I was also sick for a long time and she helped me get through that as well and took me to my doctor appointments as well. There is so much information being thrown out right now and I know its kind of all scrambled up but I just really need help sorting through my thoughts. I know that i shouldnt miss her because i know i dont deserve that treatment but i do miss her at the same time and her admitting the relationship was kind of toxic didnt make things any easier. I dont know if this happens to anyone who has been slightly emotionally abused or how much of these thoguths are normal....any help and questions would be greatly appreciarted. Just be honest with me and give me any advice again, i think the links work if the above description does not make sense. Again, sorry for all of the info and the long post!

PS- its been about a month since we broke up