Dating a Co-Worker

[NG110491]

I'm not the best in the dating scene and I've found myself in a fairly complicated situation.

 

Since the beginning of the year, I've been finding myself more and more attracted to one of my coworkers. We've known each other for about a little over a year but only started interacting way more since January. Since then, we've hung out twice outside of work in a group with a few co-workers and after each time, we both went out of our way to say we generally enjoyed each other's company and had a great time hanging out specifically with one another. When we talk, we get along great and our personalities seem to match one another, and we have quite a few things in common. I helped her out getting through a difficult time she was having with another co-worker and we got closer because of it.

 

Despite the fact that we're close - or seem to be close - I've heard from one or two people who knew her from before she started this job that she has a "reputation" and a "totally different side to her outside of work," as if I'm pursuing someone who's way out of my league. I've heard some bad stories of what she was like years ago but I never got even of a hint of that side of her at all from her the couple of times we hung out, though I guess that doesn't mean anything. From the sounds of it and from what I can piece together, it sounds like she used to be a very different person before she started this job two years ago and she now changed to the person I talk to now. Yet, there are a couple of people at work who constantly warn me about getting too close to her and tell me I need to be careful with her. Again, I don't get this at all from her and we talk a lot so I feel I would have gotten at least a hint of that by now and I haven't.

 

At the same time, it's hard to confirm what she's really like outside of work because she also doesn't like going out too much (which was also confirmed by the same people who said she has this supposed bad reputation). The last time we hung out was last month and she's said since then - multiple times - we should hang out more in general. Yet every time I've asked her about meeting up since then, she mostly chooses to stay in over the weekend rather than hanging out and kind of shuts down when I try making plans with her. Keep in mind, each time I've asked to meet up, I ask as a friend and did not say we should go on a date.

 

She claims she's burned out from work and not in the mood to go out whatever weekend it is I ask to meet up. The fact she's rejected making plans multiple times would normally make me think she's not interested. However, we work in an environment that requires putting in long hours at least a few times during the week so she may be telling the truth when she says this but at the same time I'm not sure. It's odd because outside of talking about hanging out, it's not like she's short with me or gives off the impression she dislikes talking to me. Her personality when we talk does not match the one other people described to me. Even as of late, we started either buying each other coffee in the morning or buying lunch for one another. She doesn't come off as being just being polite or that she's fake with me.

 

There are so many factors that play into this situation it almost makes my head spin. We seem pretty close and I think I have feelings for her, which I'm hoping isn't my mind playing tricks on me just because we see each other every day. I get warned that she's essentially out of my league and that she's trouble, even though she doesn't give off that impression literally at all. And it's hard to tell because we don't typically hang out outside of work or text to each other on our days off, and it's been difficult making plans with her recently. She could easily think of me as a friend but once again it's hard to tell.

 

Does it sound like I'm in way over my head? That I should stop trying to pursue and just be work friends? Am I just overthinking things? Part of me feels like this situation is way too complicated yet it's hard to move on when I see and talk to this person every day at work.

[scheme]

Actions speak louder than words. If you asked her to hang out after work and she said no then you have your answer. She's obligated to be around you at work and I'm sure likes your attention and thinks you're cool but she's not interested. Also, BEWARE what others say about her outside of work. I'm involved now with a girl from work and wish I never had laid eyes on her because of the pain I'm going through. Seems like you can avoid this.

[SherrySher]

First of all, work is work and shouldn't ever be a place to find a date. It can get very messy and complicated never mind is completely unprofessional. That alone is a good enough

 

reason to drop this and to have never started any of it in the first place.

 

But secondly, she has rejected your offers more than once, that is not a good sign at all.

 

And finally, listen to what others are saying. It might be true or is could be gossip, however, there is usually something behind it and it would be good to take notice.

 

But after all the above, you'd be best to let it go and move on. Nothing about this situation sounds good.

[hyden]

Despite the fact that we're close - or seem to be close - I've heard from one or two people who knew her from before she started this job that she has a "reputation" and a "totally different side to her outside of work," as if I'm pursuing someone who's way out of my league.

 

That's not what 'way out of your league' means.

 

Your only course of action is to stop acting like a friend and actually ask her out. (not that I encourage work dating (although I am ironically in an 18 month relationship with a co-worker...lol)) Her response will tell you what you need to know.

[stuka80]

sounds like people at your work love to gossip. i would stop listening to those people who are talking about her. and generally stay away from them. people like that will suck you into their drama and could get you into deep trouble with the company or other people.

 

just use sound judgement when ur with her and take it from there.

 

as far as her interest in you, seems like she just sees u as a work friend. doesnt matter that you guys have long hours, if she was interested shed make the time, like ur making with her, but shes not and shes rejected ur offers multiple times.

[NG110491]

Part of me thinks that she only views me as a work friend. The only things that possibly make me think otherwise were... the two times we hung out outside of work, she originally wasn't going to join everyone, and when I talked to her at the end of the day both times saying I wanted her to come, that was what convinced her. And she even told one of our coworkers while we were all out that that was the case - and that person relayed that to me.

[stuka80]

that sounds completely normal man, you like her so youre jumping to conclusions that an invite from you caused her to go cause she was attracted to you.

 

we recently had a company event that i wasnt planning on attending, but a couple of people were pressuring me to go, so i just went. Would u conclude from that that i was interested in those people? of course that would be a ridiculous conclusion.

 

but you know the situation better since you personally interact with her so i could be wrong.

[SoulTaker]

sounds like people at your work love to gossip. i would stop listening to those people who are talking about her. and generally stay away from them. people like that will suck you into their drama and could get you into deep trouble with the company or other people.

 

just use sound judgement when ur with her and take it from there.

 

as far as her interest in you, seems like she just sees u as a work friend. doesnt matter that you guys have long hours, if she was interested shed make the time, like ur making with her, but shes not and shes rejected ur offers multiple times.

 

I agree. Op, how much do you value your "privacy"? How do they know so much about her personal life? This is not a good working environment to date a co-worker. Do you want your dating adventures with her to be known by everyone you work with?

 

As people have told you, she's not that interested in you. If a woman is "interested" in a man, she will find a way to get your attention to go out.

[catfeeder]

What might the same rumor mill have told her about you?

 

I'd back off and skip this.

[Ms Darcy]

What might the same rumor mill have told her about you?

 

I'd back off and skip this.

 

Great point. This is drama in the making.