Super lonely but not sure if ready to date

[Jy1986usa]

Hey all. Some of you know my story but if not here's a quick refresher. My life fell apart 5 months ago. I lost a good job and the love of my life left me. Had a lot of ups and downs since but mostly downs.

 

Here's the deal. I am super lonely. I'm definitely NOT over my ex yet and am still in a very low place (lots of depression, anxiety, etc). Honestly I don't think I'm in any state to be dating yet. I got a lot of stuff going on. I'm trying to get my life back on track and find some happiness again. I've been told by many including members here I need to get to a place where I'm happy single.

 

Here's the thing though. As I said in the previous paragraph I'm very lonely and desperately missing human contact and having a romantic interest in my life. The only resemblance of happiness I've had in this 5 months of hell was a couple months ago when I dated another girl for a few weeks. I ultimately sabotaged it because of all my issues but while it lasted I felt somewhat normal and thought about my ex way less.

 

I was wondering if maybe dipping my toe back into the dating waters might help. I know this probably sounds pretty codependent but again I'm just so lonely and sad. Thoughts?

[Brokenheartedm]

lots of 5 month people still not over ex I am not over my ex yet and do not feel I can yet date. I loved her very much and just feel wrong going out with someone right now thats not her and no-one can compare, so idk you may find happiness or you may find yourself wanting ex more

[Bob2526]

Sorry you're going through this and I know it sucks. I've lost a great job and have been laid off and I know it's definitely a hard time. This year has also been very tough for me and it's been 5 months since my breakup. I was pretty depressed and went through it all for the first three months and starting feeling myself going into the fourth month. I will say going on my first date after the break up really helped me a lot and started feeling like maybe there is someone else out there will love and care for me. I've been dating this girl for a couple weeks and things were going pretty good but I can see that there are still some things that i need to work on to be a better person for myself. It really did help me get over my ex and things have been progressing. I still think about her from time to time and I really hope she's doing well but I know that I need to move on. I would just recommend that you learn to be alone again before you start putting yourself out there. I always thought that I was good before I met her and that I would be fine after her. It's not easy but it does get better. Everybody is different. You will get through this.

[reinventmyself]

I think it's ok to date when you feel lonely and in need of human contact. It's part of what makes us human.

 

But what you describe is still feeling the disappointment and heartbreak of losing someone, coupled with losing your job.

All this has understandably lead you to feel depressed and down.

 

No, you aren't ready to date. If you are leading with a deficit you have nothing to offer someone, emotionally or otherwise.

Dating isn't not meant to be a band aid and make you feel better about yourself and forget about the issues you need to deal with.

 

You work on yourself, get things in order and move on with your life. .

Then when you are lonely and in need of contact - you date.

You date when you have something to offer in return.

[Lisii]

Can you join/volunteer in a group/event to distract your loneliness?

 

As long as you don't give someone hopes to a long term relationship and you are open and honest about how you feel, I don't see what is wrong with casual dating. (I can't as I get attached, not something everyone can do)

 

big hugs, I hope you heal fast.

[Andrina]

If a woman is looking for a longterm relationship, then you're basically wasting her time and using her for your own selfish needs. Your heart isn't free to give to another woman because you're still in love with your ex. The online dating scene might even make you more depressed. It's not for the thin-skinned.

 

I'd recommend a new hobby--getting into something new and fun and being around people who you share a passion with. You could take dance lessons, whether it be tango, swing, salsa, or ballroom. It's a good way to connect with women without dating them. I took lessons in swing and tango when I was single, after my first marriage ended, as a way of getting out of the house, as my friends and I all worked different schedules and had different days off, so I couldn't rely on them every week for social get togethers. It's good for morale to learn a new skill.

 

If that doesn't sound like your thing, any meetups.com group that participates in an activity you like might boost your spirits.

 

If you can't keep from dating, I know that Plenty of Fish used to have, and might still have (I don't know) sections that you can post under, such as short term relationships. I believe they are less popular to women than long term, but at least you wouldn't be lying. Take care.

[Careerchoice]

I've been told by many including members here I need to get to a place where I'm happy single.

 

Although this may be good advice for some, I don't believe in it as a general rule. I once went on a blind date 4 days after getting dumped by an ex. I was very down about the break up and had no interest in going. The new girl turned into my gf for over a year and made me completely forget about the prior ex. It doesn't always turn into a rebound.

 

I was wondering if maybe dipping my toe back into the dating waters might help. I know this probably sounds pretty codependent but again I'm just so lonely and sad. Thoughts?

 

It certainly couldn't hurt. Don't try to find your next gf. Try and enjoy their company. And understand there are many different levels you can take your interactions to, i.e., she doesn't have to be your exclusive gf or nothing. Casual relationships with multiple people are fine.

[Sportster2005]

Hey all. Some of you know my story but if not here's a quick refresher. My life fell apart 5 months ago. I lost a good job and the love of my life left me. Had a lot of ups and downs since but mostly downs.

 

Here's the deal. I am super lonely. I'm definitely NOT over my ex yet and am still in a very low place (lots of depression, anxiety, etc). Honestly I don't think I'm in any state to be dating yet. I got a lot of stuff going on. I'm trying to get my life back on track and find some happiness again. I've been told by many including members here I need to get to a place where I'm happy single.

 

Here's the thing though. As I said in the previous paragraph I'm very lonely and desperately missing human contact and having a romantic interest in my life. The only resemblance of happiness I've had in this 5 months of hell was a couple months ago when I dated another girl for a few weeks. I ultimately sabotaged it because of all my issues but while it lasted I felt somewhat normal and thought about my ex way less.

 

I was wondering if maybe dipping my toe back into the dating waters might help. I know this probably sounds pretty codependent but again I'm just so lonely and sad. Thoughts?

 

Just be upfront where you are in life. There's probably women in similar circumstance. They want to date, but don't want/need anything serious. Just say you want to make some friends, and/or go on some casual dates. You would like some company to do activities with, but don't want anything serious. As long as both parties are on the same page, and stay on the same page, you can both get your needs met.

 

Good luck. This too shall pass.

[Jy1986usa]

Wow everyone thank you for the responses. I wasn't expecting that many but this is great feed back. Seems like a mixture of opinions as well.

 

So basically my thoughts were I was thinking about getting an online dating account (Tinder, Bumble, whatever) but just be honest about where I am in life in the profile like Sportster2005 said. Like really honest. Really rough, quick draft but maybe something like "I'm in a rebuilding stage of my life right now. Got out of a serious relationship five months ago, going through a career change, in a pretty low place in general but am a great guy who is looking to meet some new people and see what happens!"

 

I just wrote that in two seconds. If I actually did it I would put much more thought/effort into it and make it sound better.

 

But do you think any woman would respect that kind of honesty and be ok with that? I know conventional wisdom says you never put that kind of stuff in a dating profile or talk about that with a woman you just started dating. I know women and men for that matter in general don't want that. They want to date a super fun guy who is at a good point in life and successful and confident and all that. But I don't know it just seems that like you said Sportster everyone is at different places in life I kinda think a woman who understands would respect that and give me a chance where I'm at.

 

What do you guys think in particular the women posters? Would you ever give that a chance or is that depressing red flag, swipe left asap type stuff?

[Careerchoice]

Why lead with or be so naked about your emotions though? There's a lot more to you than your break up. Honestly, this is just a temporary period in your life which you will move on from, but all the other parts of you that make up you will remain. Concentrate on those at the beginning.

 

And yes, a lot of girls will be turned off by such a serious profile. I'm not saying be Mr. Happy Go Lucky, but don't approach this so seriously. As an analogy, I never play a video game with the intensity that I must beat it or my life is ruined. It's fun or I don't play. Approach girls right now with the same mindset.

[Jy1986usa]

Good point. I guess part of the problem is my confidence and self worth are at an all time low. I have this stigma around what women want which I don't have right now. I think women want a guy to have a certain kind of job, with a good salary, and for them to look good and be in good shape. Women at my age are looking for husband, father, provider material (I'm 30). None of which I have. I use to. And I use to have a lot more confidence because of it which landed me my ex who is very attractive. Now I'm just a mess. Oh lord maybe I'm not ready.

[Careerchoice]

I have this stigma around what women want which I don't have right now. I think women want a guy to have a certain kind of job, with a good salary, and for them to look good and be in good shape. Women at my age are looking for husband, father, provider material (I'm 30).

 

You can get girls without having those things. I know guys who are older and have none of this things and get girls. You're just incorrect.

 

Stop looking to "get the girl" and start looking to make yourself feel better and enjoy yourself.