How do I handle my ex-wifes new fiance?

[abaco]

I have been divorced a little over 3 years and my ex-wife who left me for a guy she met online is engaged for a second time. She was dating two other guys in the middle. The guy she is currently engaged to popped the question after dating her a little over 2 months. They have now been together 5 months, during that time I have been around him 4 times but he has made no attempt to introduce himself. The first time I saw him he was out in front of my ex-wife's new house playing hockey with my son. I got out of the car to say hello and he turned and quickly walked into the garage. At that point I decided to let him talk to me when he wanted to.

Two weeks ago it was my son's first holy communion. When the priest had him come up to receive communion the priest said for myself and his mother and god parents to come up with him but sure enough he came walking up from the back of the church and not only joined us but stepped in front of me to receive communion.

Last night my son had his first little league game and of course he was there. Normally my ex and I sit together for these kind of events but last night they both sat as far away from me as possible.

Besides my son's first holy communion last night was the first family event he has been to. Now baseball is my thing to do with my son. I work with him on it, pay for the league, the equipment and his private lessons but last night I felt really uncomfortable.

 

How do I handle this?

 

PS, Last Summer my ex-wife wanted to get back together, "she made an error in judgment" is what she said. After she dropped a bunch of hints and I talked to my priest about it I decided to give it a try. We went out twice in the late Fall but then she kept making excuses why she couldn't go out with me each time I asked. It ended up she had started dating him and had changed her mind again.

[Wiseman2]

It's not about him. Get a more organized visitation situation and co parenting arrangement going. Talk to to your exwife about that and do not mention her new guy.

[reinventmyself]

Continue doing what you are doing. Take the high road whenever possible.

This guy sounds like a clown. He doesn't seem to need any help from you.

[Akfranklin2014]

As someone who just married into a situation like this (my husband was never married but has two children by two females from past relationships) I think the first thing is to realize that your marriage is over and you should concentrate on what's best for your son. Do not let this get to you. Moving on is hard for both people. Sitting together at a ballgame is something couples usually do. My stepson plays baseball and my husband and I don't sit with his mother at ballgames. You should be less worried about what she's doing and more focused on your son. I can understand you may still have feelings for her and that's hard, but there can't be anymore going back and forth, especially with a child involved. It's only going to confuse and possible traumatize him. If she makes advances, stop her, don't indulge her. Your son needs you to be a constant in his life, even if your ex-wife isn't one right now.

 

Second, please realize that no matter how many men come around (and yes, I do agree it's not good to constantly have men in and out, hence my first point), none of them can or will ever take your place with your son unless you allow him to. I cannot get my stepdaughter's mother to understand this and I've been with my husband for almost three years now. From the perspective of a stepmother, know that he's only there to help (usually). I say usually because I know I would never want to replace my stepdaughter's mother nor try to. I'm here to help my stepdaughter grow into a wonderful woman and be whatever she needs. I can't imagine anyone would ever want to try to compete with a biological parent when placed in a stepparent role (even if they aren't a legal stepparent yet).

 

I would recommend meeting with a counselor to work out your emotions and feelings on this. It's obvious you still care for her and you're hoping to get back with her. That has to be worked out so you can focus on what's important: your son.

 

I love and treat my stepchildren like my own. They and they're father are my world and I'd never want to do anything to harm them or their relationships with their mothers. If your ex-wife is a good mother, any man she chooses to have around her child in that capacity would and should fee the same way. The introduction thing is hard and he may feel it's her job to introduce the two of you. That's something they need to figure out. Next time, walk up to him and introduce yourself if one of them doesn't introduce you.

 

If it were me I'd want to sit down with them with a counselor and figure everything out. You should also talk to your ex-wife one on one about your feelings with the communion situation. If you feel he's stepping on your toes, say something. It may not be on purpose, or it could be. Communication is key.

[j.man]

Two weeks ago it was my son's first holy communion. When the priest had him come up to receive communion the priest said for myself and his mother and god parents to come up with him but sure enough he came walking up from the back of the church and not only joined us but stepped in front of me to receive communion.

Didn't your ex-wife previously date and invite into her home a man who had been asking for pictures of your kid in his underwear or some **** like that? Wrestling and showing your son his underwear? Now she's with a dude who got engaged with her after two months? I'm assuming cohabiting in the same home as your kid as well?

 

Start growing a pair and assert yourself as your son's father. It may not be long before your kid comes to rely on you for stability and, unfortunately, even safety. Personally, I woulda decked the dude in front of God and not had a single regret had he pulled that First Communion stunt on me. But an "excuse me" then brushing past him to be where the father belongs during the ceremony would have sufficed (and in fact all you should have done-- in case you were actually thinking of clocking the guy on my account).

 

As for ditching you in the driveway and you and your ex no longer sitting together at games, there's not much you can do. He doesn't have to speak to you and, while it's definitely in the best interests of the child to amicably coparent, there's nothing requiring she sit with you. Keep yourself focused on your son and his game. Given what you've told us, it sounds like he most likely associates the baseball with you anyhow.

 

Focus on being there for your son. Your ex seems to have little regard for his well-being and there's no telling at this point what's going to unfold with the guy around, so you'll have to be diligent about it.

[WombatShadow]

As someone who just married into a situation like this (my husband was never married but has two children by two females from past relationships) I think the first thing is to realize that your marriage is over and you should concentrate on what's best for your son. Do not let this get to you. Moving on is hard for both people. Sitting together at a ballgame is something couples usually do. My stepson plays baseball and my husband and I don't sit with his mother at ballgames. You should be less worried about what she's doing and more focused on your son. I can understand you may still have feelings for her and that's hard, but there can't be anymore going back and forth, especially with a child involved. It's only going to confuse and possible traumatize him. If she makes advances, stop her, don't indulge her. Your son needs you to be a constant in his life, even if your ex-wife isn't one right now.

 

Second, please realize that no matter how many men come around (and yes, I do agree it's not good to constantly have men in and out, hence my first point), none of them can or will ever take your place with your son unless you allow him to. I cannot get my stepdaughter's mother to understand this and I've been with my husband for almost three years now. From the perspective of a stepmother, know that he's only there to help (usually). I say usually because I know I would never want to replace my stepdaughter's mother nor try to. I'm here to help my stepdaughter grow into a wonderful woman and be whatever she needs. I can't imagine anyone would ever want to try to compete with a biological parent when placed in a stepparent role (even if they aren't a legal stepparent yet).

 

I would recommend meeting with a counselor to work out your emotions and feelings on this. It's obvious you still care for her and you're hoping to get back with her. That has to be worked out so you can focus on what's important: your son.

 

I love and treat my stepchildren like my own. They and they're father are my world and I'd never want to do anything to harm them or their relationships with their mothers. If your ex-wife is a good mother, any man she chooses to have around her child in that capacity would and should fee the same way. The introduction thing is hard and he may feel it's her job to introduce the two of you. That's something they need to figure out. Next time, walk up to him and introduce yourself if one of them doesn't introduce you.

 

If it were me I'd want to sit down with them with a counselor and figure everything out. You should also talk to your ex-wife one on one about your feelings with the communion situation. If you feel he's stepping on your toes, say something. It may not be on purpose, or it could be. Communication is key.

 

I'm going to respectfully disagree with you. This guy has only been around for five months, but he is already inserting himself directly in front of the dad in family-only situations. For example, he should not have gone for that Holy Communion when the parents and godparents were called up. It would be different if he was the stepdad, but he's not married to OP's ex-wife in the eyes of the law or, more importantly in this case, in the eyes of God. The baseball game is a different story, but he crossed a line with the mass.

 

Furthermore, he's doing this without ever bothering to introduce himself to OP. He clearly has no respect for OP as his future-stepson's father, and he's acting accordingly. As OP's son gets older, he's going to feel strain and tension that shouldn't be there if this isn't nipped in the bud. Does he go with his biological father, or the guy who lives with him and does all the "dad" stuff?

 

OP, talk to your ex-wife and let her know that you want to sit down and chat with her and her new man about his role in your son's life. You have that right as his father, and I would say you have an obligation to make yourself extremely well-known to someone who will be so close to your son should the engagement be fulfilled. Waiting was fine until he started shoving his way into close family-oriented rituals.

[Akfranklin2014]

I'm going to respectfully disagree with you. This guy has only been around for five months, but he is already inserting himself directly in front of the dad in family-only situations. For example, he should not have gone for that Holy Communion when the parents and godparents were called up. It would be different if he was the stepdad, but he's not married to OP's ex-wife in the eyes of the law or, more importantly in this case, in the eyes of God. The baseball game is a different story, but he crossed a line with the mass.

 

Furthermore, he's doing this without ever bothering to introduce himself to OP. He clearly has no respect for OP as his future-stepson's father, and he's acting accordingly. As OP's son gets older, he's going to feel strain and tension that shouldn't be there if this isn't nipped in the bud. Does he go with his biological father, or the guy who lives with him and does all the "dad" stuff?

 

OP, talk to your ex-wife and let her know that you want to sit down and chat with her and her new man about his role in your son's life. You have that right as his father, and I would say you have an obligation to make yourself extremely well-known to someone who will be so close to your son should the engagement be fulfilled. Waiting was fine until he started shoving his way into close family-oriented rituals.

 

This is why I said he should talk to them. We don't know if she wanted him to join her in the communion. Yes, jumping in front of him is out of line and that should be addressed. He cannot instantly blame the guy and create additional unnecessary tension as she could be promoting this kind of behavior. So many people are quick to blame the new person, whether it's a man or woman, and it isn't always their fault.

[DancingFool]

...Got engaged just barely after two moths of dating, now exhibiting anti-social alienating behaviors toward you (First Communion bs, walking away from you), other possessive, alienating behaviors.....dude these are the red flags the size of China and you know what kind of men act like that? Abusive control freaks. Sure, he probably hasn't gone there yet with your ex, but he seems to be laying the groundwork for that. Whirlwind romance, quick commitment, commence isolation, once she locked in and hooked, commence abuse.

 

I'm with j.man here. Forget your ex wife - she is a grown adult and she is laying her own bed to sleep in. But you better strap on some brass balls and be sure to protect your son from a sick environment that he is about to be potentially thrown into. Frankly, it sounds already like you have some serious grounds to talk to a good lawyer about getting full custody and there might be coming a time that you will absolutely need to step in and fight that battle. Be very very vigilant with what's going on here.

[shellyf62]

Omg, I am so scared for your Son.

My mother married idiots like this guy & they made our life hell.

Keep watching closely & get him away if the need arises.