He contacted me...

[Annie1989]

If you guys need a recap, please check out my previous posts. It's all really messed up (moving in with him after 7 years, him cheating on me after a month, me seeing him with the other woman...etc)

 

I've had my ex blocked on my phone for 2 months now. Somehow, some way...I got a missed call and a text from him saying "just called to see how you were. Hope all is going well." I honestly don't know how he got unblocked because I've been adamant about NC. I had a dream last night that I moved back in with him and he was still an awful person, so when I woke up to these notifications I was understandably shaken up.

 

Last week his best friend came to my job and said to me "hey I just want to let you know that he's a 'd-bag' and karma is getting him right now. I can't give you any details but I just wanted to let you know so I hope it makes you feel a bit better about what he did to you." His BEST FRIEND said that to me so you know my ex is terrible.

Here's what I know about him so far:

 

he is still seeing the other girl.

He lost the high paying job he just got back in February. Apparently the company was bogus.

He's a narcissistic sociopath

 

Anyway, the moral of the story is I'm fighting the urge to respond. Fighting the urge to tell him he has some nerve trying to contact me.

 

I know I need to just block him again, but ugh there's just so much I want to say.

 

I know the power is in the silence, though.

 

I need some encouragement to stay strong. I know narcissistic men thrive on the response because the response means I still care.

[ParisPaulette]

Just block the guy and ignore him. He's looking for ego boosts and possibly to use you as a backup girl since losing his high-paying job is in all likelihood causing friction in his latest relationship.

 

Write this down and keep it with you - his own best friend sought you out to tell you what a loser he is and in code to let you know WHY the guy would be contacting you and to not fall for it. Come on, that wasn't just his friend telling you about how the guy is doing badly. The guy was trying to tell you, "Don't give this clown the time of day, because he's going to come back around and use you again."

 

But the friend still feels something towards his buddy, so he couldn't just say that out loud. It was still a warning loud and clear.

 

I know this, because I was once in a similar position. And the ex-best friend of my ex finally confessed his little updates about my ex and his disasters was his way of trying to tell me, "Paris, for the love of the God, please just ditch this loser altogether and never speak to him again." But he felt some loyalty and he as afraid if he said that it'd get back to his friend, so he contented himself with little snippets of "news" to try and show me why I should not ever respond to the guy again.

 

This all came out after my ex and his ex-best friend had a huge blowout when (surprise!) my ex hit on his friend's girlfriend.

 

So seriously, enough. Even if you feel something for the guy, because the heart tends to be way dumber than the brain and it takes time for it to catch up to you common sense do not respond to the ex and let him hoover you back in about how he's "changed" and "realized what he lost" and how "life was so good when I had you" blah-blah-blah, BS, BS, BS.

 

Just remember this is a guy who the moment life looks up for him will turn on you in heartbeat - like he already did, remember? Block and delete and every time he tries to contact you just block that number too. If he shows up unannounced tell him he's not welcome, slam the door in his face, if he tries to come in call 9-1-1 and call the cops on him. Yeah, I've had to do all that to my cheating ex, who seven years later still doesn't get why I'm no longer available to be his backup girl when the world kicks him, which it is wont to do because he's a giant d-bag. Of course, I was no prize in sanity for getting mixed up with him in the first place, but let your own sanity rise to the top and stop engaging with insanity.

 

You will come out so far ahead in life it won't even be funny. Focus on your own life, make it a good one, maybe see someone if bad or toxic relationships have been a problem for you in the past to learn to establish healthy boundaries and trust in yourself to pick the right people. And enjoy life without someone like your ex in it, because it is very enjoyable when your heart catches up with the brain and says, "Oh, now I get why not having this person in my life is such a good idea."

 

You can do it if you've decided to value yourself more. You deserve better, everyone does.

 

P.S. At one point I had a meltdown after my ex tracked me down to a coffee shop. I threw hot coffee on him then went home and sent him an email scathing enough to peel paint off of cars. Did it do any good? Nope, he just felt that was an "in" to pester me twice as hard to now "prove" to me he could be different. Was he different? Nope, he's cheated on and mistreated other women since being with me. Now I have no idea what he is or isn't, because he's just blocked along with anyone who wanted to talk to me about him. So don't go there. He will be in 7th Heaven, because drama like that proves to his own tiny brain that he matters and should keep using you as backup. Honestly he already has that mindset and always will, all you can and should do is refuse to engage. As in ever. For the until the end of time.

[Annia]

Silence is the best "revenge" to narcissists. He'll feel bad for not having control in you or affecting you anymore. If you answer to him, even if it's telling him off, you're giving him power and he'll feed of that. Block him again everywhere and your healing will be much faster and you won't be giving him what he wants.

[Annie1989]

Ugh thank you so much! That's exactly what I needed to hear

[nutbrownhare]

Silence is the best revenge - that, and living your life to the full. Those are the things which will make you feel better about yourself. Contact with him most certainly won't.

 

As to how you get past this on a personal level... don't concentrate on the big, outrageous, nasty things he did. This will bind you to him as strongly as still being in love with him. Instead, think about petty, unappealing things. Did he snore? Is he a noisy eater? Does he have dirty feet? You get the idea...

[Dominique]

Don't give him anymore than you already gave him. He doesn't deserve a response. It will feed his ego and make him happy that he can still "get you". Is that what you want? Him to feel like he's still import at? That he still matters? That he still has your heart? Do you want him walking around all warm and lovey inside because he still knows how to get to you? Because he knows that the only reason you responded is that you still love him? That even though he's horrible, he can still win you at any given moment? You are his puppet and he still pulls the strings any time he feels the need? His need are the only ones you care about and he can get his need met any time he wants...all he has to do is call?

 

Don't let him have that from you. Don't do it.

[Vicky89]

If you guys need a recap, please check out my previous posts. It's all really messed up (moving in with him after 7 years, him cheating on me after a month, me seeing him with the other woman...etc)

 

I've had my ex blocked on my phone for 2 months now. Somehow, some way...I got a missed call and a text from him saying "just called to see how you were. Hope all is going well." I honestly don't know how he got unblocked because I've been adamant about NC. I had a dream last night that I moved back in with him and he was still an awful person, so when I woke up to these notifications I was understandably shaken up.

 

Last week his best friend came to my job and said to me "hey I just want to let you know that he's a 'd-bag' and karma is getting him right now. I can't give you any details but I just wanted to let you know so I hope it makes you feel a bit better about what he did to you." His BEST FRIEND said that to me so you know my ex is terrible.

Here's what I know about him so far:

 

he is still seeing the other girl.

He lost the high paying job he just got back in February. Apparently the company was bogus.

He's a narcissistic sociopath

 

Anyway, the moral of the story is I'm fighting the urge to respond. Fighting the urge to tell him he has some nerve trying to contact me.

 

I know I need to just block him again, but ugh there's just so much I want to say.

 

I know the power is in the silence, though.

 

I need some encouragement to stay strong. I know narcissistic men thrive on the response because the response means I still care.

 

Stay strong, he didn't contact you or tried to reach out to you when things were going good for him, you didn't exist, out of mind out of sight, but now he is facing some difficulties and needs an ego boost, it's likely his lack of income at the moment is causing a lot of strain on his living conditions and in turn his relationship with the new girl, no more eating out at expensive restaurants, going on trips, etc. now it's living on a budget and going through the stress of interviews and not receiving call backs, his world is crumbling down and he is reaching out to you for support, but as soon as his ship is repaired it will be goodbye to you again.

 

If he cheated on you he didn't appreciate what he had with you, he let someone else in, slept with them, as if you were some afterthought. Screw that guy.

 

Also, narcissistic people thrive off ANY type of response back, whether it's a good positive one or one where you tell them to go to hell and not to contact you again, either of those in their mind is a GOOD response because it means they got under your skin, got you thinking of them and you replied back. Kind of like how celebrities say "Bad publicity is still good publicity" because it means they are still relevant.

 

This girl he is with is likely going to walk away from him shortly and he is just preparing for plan B, don't fall trap to it, to get rid of some of the temptation, block his number otherwise you will be tempted to text back and then he will have you right where he wants you with a little sweet talk.

 

It's very hard to follow advice when you obviously still care for this guy and are hurt by how he treated you, but in the long run it's for the best that you continue No Contact. Breaking no contact is only good when you both ended amicably and you both treated each other with respect, when maybe a few things have changed for the BETTER in the no contact time and you believe things will be better off this next time around. However, this man has cheated on you, and not cared about you as a person, just himself, so that's never going to change. I do believe cheaters aren't always cheaters, but that's when they have cheated in a previous relationship, not on you, on someone else, once they have cheated on you, it's over, they have proven you don't matter, they aren't in love with you and will cheat on you again if you date them again, no such thing as a one time cheater if they cheat on you, especially since you tried your best in the relationship to be there for him.

 

Put it this way, your mind is foggy because you like him still, ours isn't foggy because we don't have any attachment to this guy and we can take a look at the relationship you had with open eyes and clear thinking, your wants will lead you down the same path you've already taken with him before. Don't contact him, block him now.

[Wiseman2]

Stay strong, keep him out of your life. No contact and check all your blocking filters.

he is still seeing the other girl. I know I need to just block him again, but ugh there's just so much I want to say.

[Dominique]

Stay strong, he didn't contact you or tried to reach out to you when things were going good for him, you didn't exist, out of mind out of sight, but now he is facing some difficulties and needs an ego boost, it's likely his lack of income at the moment is causing a lot of strain on his living conditions and in turn his relationship with the new girl, no more eating out at expensive restaurants, going on trips, etc. now it's living on a budget and going through the stress of interviews and not receiving call backs, his world is crumbling down and he is reaching out to you for support, but as soon as his ship is repaired it will be goodbye to you again.

 

If he cheated on you he didn't appreciate what he had with you, he let someone else in, slept with them, as if you were some afterthought. Screw that guy.

 

Also, narcissistic people thrive off ANY type of response back, whether it's a good positive one or one where you tell them to go to hell and not to contact you again, either of those in their mind is a GOOD response because it means they got under your skin, got you thinking of them and you replied back. Kind of like how celebrities say "Bad publicity is still good publicity" because it means they are still relevant.

 

This girl he is with is likely going to walk away from him shortly and he is just preparing for plan B, don't fall trap to it, to get rid of some of the temptation, block his number otherwise you will be tempted to text back and then he will have you right where he wants you with a little sweet talk.

 

It's very hard to follow advice when you obviously still care for this guy and are hurt by how he treated you, but in the long run it's for the best that you continue No Contact. Breaking no contact is only good when you both ended amicably and you both treated each other with respect, when maybe a few things have changed for the BETTER in the no contact time and you believe things will be better off this next time around. However, this man has cheated on you, and not cared about you as a person, just himself, so that's never going to change. I do believe cheaters aren't always cheaters, but that's when they have cheated in a previous relationship, not on you, on someone else, once they have cheated on you, it's over, they have proven you don't matter, they aren't in love with you and will cheat on you again if you date them again, no such thing as a one time cheater if they cheat on you, especially since you tried your best in the relationship to be there for him.

 

Put it this way, your mind is foggy because you like him still, ours isn't foggy because we don't have any attachment to this guy and we can take a look at the relationship you had with open eyes and clear thinking, your wants will lead you down the same path you've already taken with him before. Don't contact him, block him now.

 

I agree!

 

We got your back. You come here and tell us what you want to tell him. Get it out of your system with no harm toward yourself.

 

Thanks for sharing this with us. So we can support you. ❤️💙

[DancingFool]

Pull the strong silent bit on him. I mean his own friend warned you exactly why he will be contacting you - to boost his ego since it has been shaken up recently. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Do not boost his ego. Deafening silence is all he needs to hear from you. Let him rot and that is your best closure and revenge for what he has done to you. You aren't going to reason with a narcissist and you aren't going to teach him or make him feel bad about his behavior. Literally ANY response from you will get twisted in his sick mind as "cool she still wants me" and that idea should actually turn your stomach.

 

As for feeling the need to vent away about all he has done, anything you wish to say to him or about him, type away. Either here or you can write him a letter and then....tear it up and be done. Release the frustration in a way that would actually help you. Talking to him will do the exact opposite because remember that he will not respond like a sane person would. So no use talking to him.

[Annie1989]

I really appreciate your replies! It really snapped me into the reality of the situation as a whole. I can honestly say I'm not going to have a problem blocking his number after reading this. I do deserve better and everyone's right...he doesn't love me, I'm his backup when life isn't going well

[Dominique]

I really appreciate your replies! It really snapped me into the reality of the situation as a whole. I can honestly say I'm not going to have a problem blocking his number after reading this. I do deserve better and everyone's right...he doesn't love me, I'm his backup when life isn't going well

 

You are better and you deserve better. Keep remebering that.

 

Please protect your heart.

[gcmc1121]

The best friend went out of his way to warn you about your ex, that's a lot from this guy. From that alone, you definitely need to stay strong and keep your distance from your ex. He's just casting lines hoping to reel you back in just in case things go bad for him. That's just a really ty thing to do to anyone. Don't focus on him, just delete, block and move along! You're the one in charge, no him. It's okay to be angry but don't think of him or it'll just keep your mind going back to him. Talk to us instead!

[boltnrun]

My ex tried for YEARS to use me whenever he fought with the girl he dumped me for. But it isn't just me, he tries to contact all his exes to make himself feel better. I don't respond, but one of his exes who is a friend of mine does, because apparently she just can't help herself plus she wants to believe he still loves her more than his current girlfriend. Of course, he never actually leaves his girlfriend; as soon as they make up he vanishes again.

 

So I went ahead and vanished instead. Once I was with a mutual friend and he texted her, whining about how I hadn't even let him know I was in town and that she should tell me to call him. Then he sent another whiny text saying "She probably don't want to even talk to me anyway", trying to make me feel guilty. That was two years ago and I still haven't called him lol. He's an idiot and he's trash. I know better people who I prefer to have in my life.

 

Besides, it's not like this guy is going to care that he hurt you and feel bad about it. Quite the opposite. He'll be happy he hurt you because to him that would prove you love him. Don't do it.

[Annie1989]

As the night progresses I really want to text him telling him to go to hell, but much stronger language. I want to send him all the old emails he would send me begging for my forgiveness and how all he wants is me...I want to tell him to never contact me again and I hope he suffers for the rest of his life...but I won't...but I WANT TO SO BADLY

[Dominique]

As the night progresses I really want to text him telling him to go to hell, but much stronger language. I want to send him all the old emails he would send me begging for my forgiveness and how all he wants is me...I want to tell him to never contact me again and I hope he suffers for the rest of his life...but I won't...but I WANT TO SO BADLY

 

Go post it in the "text your ex" thread. Get it out of your system. But don't send anything to him. It won't harm him...only you. Protect yourself.

[boltnrun]

He wouldn't "suffer". He'd be stoked you still love and care about him.

 

Trust me, that is how he'd view it.

[ParisPaulette]

This is where a journal or diary filled with all your thoughts and feelings can help. You don't send it to him, you write it to yourself. And you keep writing until the day you reread some of what you read and think, "This is so boring. Why was I ever with this guy?" At which time you have a fun little ritual of destroying the journal and laughing then celebrating your freedom.

 

Mine was so awful I actually called it my "vomit journal" because I just spewed everything all over those pages. I also kept it under lock and key and never showed anyone, because yeah they'd have had me committed in a heartbeat. It was some pretty crazy writing, all right. But it did help tremendously.

 

Remember your "go to hell" will be his "I am validated, I exist to her!" So no, don't do it. It just let's them have an in - sort of an open invitation for the emotional vampire to enter your abode and drain you dry, because you invited them in. I'm really not too sure that's not how the whole "vampires need an invitation to come in" thing got started. So write that letter to yourself, but understand even the briefest of texts to him will now make him double his efforts to "prove" to you he's changed. And he'll sucker you back in then drop you on your head again. And he will yes keep doing it until you don't let him, because that's just how that type of personality is.

 

I played that game for six years with one, I only won when I walked away. And yes, I just got a text from an unidentified number two days ago telling me he still thinks of me and prays someday I'll find my way back to him. Barf. It's been seven years, I'm married to someone else. I just feel embarrassed about the whole thing now. Sort of like I did over going through a phase of poodle perms. But I just accept he's like those "Microsoft" guys who call up to tell you your computer has a virus - it's all a big scam and he's just not bright enough to figure out when you burn a bridge it can stay burned. Because then he'd have to admit he's not the center of the universe, which of course isn't ever going to happen.

 

So that's what you're dealing with. Block, delete, pour it all out in a journal and go to the gym and punch the daylights out of those bags they have. And come here to post as well. It all helps you get over them and have an easier time of it.