Ex is with new guy, I really dont know what to do

[bcb32]

Im sorry if this is long, I just wanted to give the best story i could, i still left out a ton.

 

So I really need some help. My ex broke up with me a little over 3 weeks ago, after a year together, and I havnt stopped thinking about her and missing her since. She literally pops into my mind every 15 minutes and I have started a new job and its almost getting in the way and making me not be able to focus. I have been hanging out with friends, and it isnt helping. Im trying to focus on myself and go to the gym, but I catch myself working out to look better for her to try and win her back. Everything reminds me of her and makes me miss her. And it really doesnt help that she has found a new guy. She started hanging out with him 3 days after we broke up and now she is posting instagram pictures with him and always tweeting about him. I dont look at her social media, I took her off it to ease my mind, but some of my friends have texted me wondering what happened to us saying that they see her posts. Im worried because the guy is a lot like me... we have the same hobbies and that type of stuff. It makes me think that he is just a rebound, but from what Ive seen and what my ex has told me, they are happy and she is the happiest she has been in a long time. She mentioned that he wanted her to go on vacation with him in a week and she said she didnt know if she is going to go, but I think she will. That might be a good thing?? Spending 30 hours in a car with a potential rebound may make her realize he isnt the one?? I just dont know, and I would like some insight on what I should be thinking because literally all i do is think about her.

 

When the breakup first happened, I have to admit I was trying to get her back and didnt go no contact. I may have seemed a little bit desperate, but not extremely bad, I was always accepting of her decision. What is throwing me off is the way she has been acting and what she says to me. We had small talk for the first two weeks after the breakup, and when we met for me to give her her things back she cried and said she wanted to try things again. She has given me like 10 different reasons for why we broke up, and most of them have been nothing that has ever bothered her before, and they seemed like excuses... like not having money when obviously I would be paying for everything, etc.. A few days after we met up she was being short again and then finally told me about her "new guy"... who I knew she was hanging out with since we broke up (through my friends having her on snapchat, etc.) but she was hiding this from me, and lying telling me she wasnt hanging around him. Until that one night she told me about them hanging out every day and her being happy. I was really at a loss for words because she was also telling me she loved me at the same time as telling me she was with another man.

 

She was really shutting me out that night, so i said "this cant be goodbye" and she replied "its a see you later" and I feel like my trying to get her back right after the relationship ended has her thinking that I am on the back burner and will always be there for her if she decides she misses me. And the truth is, yes i would take her back, but I dont think it is good that I let her think that I would take her back and I dont know how i can make it seem like i wont, besides no contact which i started.

 

When she told me she had another dude, I wrote her a long text telling her I will always love her and that I will always miss her, which might not have been the right thing to do... but i was being truthful. But I also told her good bye for now and started no contact. Its been exactly a week and she hasnt reached out to me or anything, and its getting really hard for me. Its like time is making it worse and i feel as if she will just forget about me. Everyone tells me that she has done me so bad and that i should never take her back but i cant help it. I miss her so much that I dont know what to do with myself. Should i break no contact after like two weeks if she doesnt contact me? I dont want to lose her for good. I want her back in my life. I just need some sort of hope if there is any and I just wish I knew what was going through her head.

 

Thank you in advance, this has been a really hard few weeks for me.

[nutbrownhare]

Ouch!

 

Seeing your ex with someone else when you hadn't wanted the break in the first place is excruciating... you are right to initiate NC, and try to stop your friends from talking about her as well. However, it's going to be pretty painful for a while, and don't try to fight it by futile attempts to rekindle the relationship.

 

Don't concern yourself with what might or might not be happening with her new fella, and CERTAINLY don't carry on with your life as though she's going to come back to you. You need to accept that she's with another guy, and if she wanted to be with you, she would be. Don't break NC, because it will send you right back to the beginning, will re-open the wound and your self esteem will slide down even further.

 

(((HUGS)))

[bcb32]

rekindle the relationship.

 

 

I get this but why would she tell me she loves me while telling me she has another guy? And how could she move to another guy that fast, that is so similar to me? Especially after telling me she wants to give things another try? I just have so many questions and she really isnt being herself. It seems like she is super confused.

[SherrySher]

She didn't love you if she could move onto another guy this fast. It does not matter if he is similar to you, he is not you. Why is she telling you she loves you? Who knows, maybe she wants you to sit around and not move on while she carries on with this other guy.

[WombatShadow]

This is what we call a rebound. It sounds like your ex decided that she wanted to see who else was out there, and so she dropped you with a variety of excuses and took up with this chap. Classic case of GIGS (Grass is Greener Syndrome).

 

Whether she realizes that the grass wasn't greener or not is a mystery. You can't do anything but stay No Contact (if that's what you feel you need) and move on.

[firstluvstruck]

I'm in the same exact boat as you, friend. NC really helps. Don't even check her fb or snapchat or instagram, anything. just the thought of her sets you back. the first 4ish days of NC were unbearable for me but once your body exhausts whatever chemicals are involved in that pain, I started to feel better.

 

What kills me now is imagning what stage of the relationship they're in, does she care about him already? How could she tell me I am the best guy she's ever dated and be 200% into this new relationship? Endless questions. But you can't think about these. They just hurt. I'm still trying to accept that she will never come back. It's not easy, but honestly, blocking her/deleting everything is the best route. It's the only route.

 

Get on tinder just to talk to people - no expectations. It may help it may not. but you won't know until you try.

[Brokenheartedm]

Honestly man, it sounds like she is with him just to bug you, 3 days after she's talking and boom they are dating?? how do you fall for someone in 3 days or however long its been since the break up to time they dated? she's using him man do not show it bugs you ik it sucks but its bs!!!!! My ex bashed me to everyone but checked up on me thru friends she met thru me , she bashed me to our mutuals, than she joined MY fire department after breakup while contining to bash me 2 months nc than she goes to my friend saying she wanted to tell me about our cat being pregnant but I treated her non existent. its all for a reaction man they are hurt

[LarrySmith]

It's very strange. Would do good to have the timeframe on target. Are they sequential or are some of it being taken out of its time element? If she said she loved you then few days later it's different versus telling you she's with the guy and later stating she loves you would be different stories.

 

Could be she has something still but since you'll wait she can try and explore with no real penalties. Showing your desire to be with her and sentiments while she states that she's with someone else would send a loud echo to her that she is okay with her choices.

 

Placing NC may do little since your previous statement has enveloped her. Perhaps an approach is to get her to realize that you are serious about moving on and for you to actually truly believe it. It would work for you either way. You'll have greater chance of her returning. At this point it may be beneficial to work and do for you since doing for her will only send her signals she can test the waters with other men. Question is, how do you convey that determination to move forward with it and how to actually do?

[firstluvstruck]

One thing which my counselor told me (just like everyone here) is that you need to give her time to miss you. I hung around as friends and my ex explicitely said that she was keeping me as backup while searching for a new guy. staying in the picture lets them feel like "oh hey its ok see we can be friends. he is still in my life and I can still have this new fling." she doesnt have to let go of you yet she can still explore. she's not losing anything. so, best is to let her be. maybe for now just say you wont talk to her for a week..thats nothing. let her feel your absence; let her realize that this new guy is NOT YOU.

 

and if you're thinking, "but what if they get really close in 1 week?" thats what i thought. nothing is going to change in 1 week.

 

edit: i asked her right after she said that if she was really keeping me as backup. she denied it. whatever was going in her head, whether she meant to say that or not...it was in some way true.

[MissCanuck]

I get this but why would she tell me she loves me while telling me she has another guy? And how could she move to another guy that fast, that is so similar to me? Especially after telling me she wants to give things another try? I just have so many questions and she really isnt being herself. It seems like she is super confused.

 

Probably in case things don't work out with him. She will have you on stand-by.

 

Dumpers usually have largely moved on by the time they end the relationship. They know it's coming and they want out, so they're not hurting the same way dumpees are. In this sense, their new relationships aren't exactly rebounds. That's usually what dumpees do, to try to get over the pain of being single again. Also, they don't feel the love anymore in the same way dumpees do. If she were so deeply in love, she wouldn't be trying out someone else right now.

 

In this case, there was more than likely overlap between her breaking up with you and getting with this new guy. Despite what she or anyone else may tell you, they had probably been getting to know each other while she was still with you. The timeline is just way too fast otherwise.

 

It hurts, but you need to let go of hope. She isn't in the same head-space you are and wanting to try to reconcile. She is excited about someone else, which I know is painful, but use that as your motivation to go and maintain No Contact, ask your friends to stop reporting on her, and work on opening a new chapter for yourself.

[nutbrownhare]

One thing which my counselor told me (just like everyone here) is that you need to give her time to miss you.

 

Sadly, working on the assumption that she IS going to miss you - especially when she's just starting a new relationship and is deliriously happy with it all - is cultivating false hope. NC isn't there to bring your ex back; it's there to give you the space to heal without pulling the scabs off. As you say,

What is throwing me off is the way she has been acting and what she says to me.

Paying attention to her contradictory feelings will only throw you around emotionally. Don't put yourself in the firing line.

 

The only thing you need to know is that she could be with you, and is choosing someone else. Don't torture yourself with things she said, or wonder if she loves you, or if the other guy's a rebound - all this is focusing on her, and you need to be focusing on yourself right now.

 

The other guy may be a rebound. On the other hand, many people who start dating immediately after breaking up have checked out of their relationship a long time previously, and often cultivated the new relationship before cutting the cord of their old one, so you can't even assume that.

 

It really, really hurts. But it'll get better.

[bcb32]

The other guy may be a rebound. On the other hand, many people who start dating immediately after breaking up have checked out of their relationship a long time previously, and often cultivated the new relationship before cutting the cord of their old one, so you can't even assume that.

 

The thing is, that they were not talking before our relationship ended. That was one reason that our relationship did kind of end, I was really up in her business needing to know what she was doing, and we mutually agreed to share our locations with eachother. I know she wasnt hanging out with him before, but he had tried to hit her up before and she showed me so I feel like as soon as the break up happened, she just ran to him and found comfort.

 

Im really close to breaking down and texting her to just see how she reacts... No matter what you guys are telling me about having no hope, I still have so much hope. Our bond was so strong there for a while and I know she still feels the love, that she is just super confused.

 

If I were to wait another week in NC, would it hurt my chances with her at all to text her to catch up? I just want to talk to her again...

[bcb32]

Also, to the one that wondered about when she said she loved me... she has told me she loved me every time we talk. even in the same message that she told me about the new guy. she has said it at least 4 times since we broke up, even in person when i was returning her stuff she said it after she stopped crying.

 

They also aren't "dating". when we talked i asked and she said no, and that he knows she doesn't want a "relationship" but it sure seems like it to me, just without the title. but who knows, maybe they are dating by now, i've been no contact

[MissCanuck]

OP, it's sadly very unlikely you will get the full story from her.

 

If she's still talking to/seeing/sleeping with this guy, there's no point in contacting her. You'll just get the run-around and the watered-down version that won't hurt you as much as the complete truth might. This isn't to suggest that your bond with her wasn't strong, but apparently her feelings had changed enough to want to see other people.

 

I would not advise you get in touch with her. Hope isn't necessarily lost forever, but she won't really see what life is like without you unless you take a huge step back. If she doesn't reach out, then you know it's really done.

[IAmFCA]

 

Life is about strength and peace, which offers a different sort of happiness.

 

Sometimes we are meant to feel sadness and loss, and that is okay. We can get through it

 

Telling ourselves that someone else misses us, or that they don't- both are misguided. We tell ourselves that we don't know what they are thinking, that they likely are thinking all of those thoughts at different times, that it is time for us to accept that our lives are separate. Whatever the ex is thinking is now

 

Unknown and irrelevant.

[bcb32]

SO..... LOL, as soon as everyone here was telling me to have no hope.

 

Today mid day through the work day I got a long email from her telling me how much she misses me and that she is still confused and doesnt know what to do. That she cries all the time and thinks about me every day blah blah blah. We talked on the phone some not long ago and potentially are going to go have dinner somewhere and talk things over this weekend. She says she doesnt know though because she could never see me as just a friend and she isnt ready to jump into that yet, but i told her its what it will have to take if we want things to work and we have a lot to talk about. Im not getting my hopes up, but she has definitely been thinking about me. Hopefully seeing her in person will bring out true colors and we can move slowly back into the swing of things.

[IAmFCA]

SO..... LOL, as soon as everyone here was telling me to have no hope.

 

Today mid day through the work day I got a long email from her telling me how much she misses me and that she is still confused and doesnt know what to do. That she cries all the time and thinks about me every day blah blah blah. We talked on the phone some not long ago and potentially are going to go have dinner somewhere and talk things over this weekend. She says she doesnt know though because she could never see me as just a friend and she isnt ready to jump into that yet, but i told her its what it will have to take if we want things to work and we have a lot to talk about. Im not getting my hopes up, but she has definitely been thinking about me. Hopefully seeing her in person will bring out true colors and we can move slowly back into the swing of things.

 

"She could never see me as just a friend and she isn't ready to jump into that" - so, she isn't seeing you for the reason of getting back together nor is she interested in being friends.

 

What is the point?

[bcb32]

"She could never see me as just a friend and she isn't ready to jump into that" - so, she isn't seeing you for the reason of getting back together nor is she interested in being friends.

 

What is the point?

 

She could never see me as just a friend as in still loves me and would feel like we were in a relationship if we hung out. "The point" is to try to reconnect with the woman that I love and to have dinner to discuss true feelings in person because that is when they really come out, and she obviously has a lot of stuff built up from what I saw in her long message to me.

[Brokenheartedm]

SO..... LOL, as soon as everyone here was telling me to have no hope.

 

Today mid day through the work day I got a long email from her telling me how much she misses me and that she is still confused and doesnt know what to do. That she cries all the time and thinks about me every day blah blah blah. We talked on the phone some not long ago and potentially are going to go have dinner somewhere and talk things over this weekend. She says she doesnt know though because she could never see me as just a friend and she isnt ready to jump into that yet, but i told her its what it will have to take if we want things to work and we have a lot to talk about. Im not getting my hopes up, but she has definitely been thinking about me. Hopefully seeing her in person will bring out true colors and we can move slowly back into the swing of things.

Idk if you saw my last reply to you but as i stated she is using him to bug you nothing more, dont let it show it bugs you man

[MissCanuck]

Tell her you won't meet her unless she has stopped seeing the other guy.

 

Otherwise, you're letting her have her cake and eat it too. She's probably not getting the attention she wants from him so she's hoping you're still around. You need to draw some firm boundaries, and then think about meeting.

[stuka80]

i know you dont see this right now, but she is stringing you along with that bs email. most likely what happened was she wanted to mess around with this new guy and for whatever reason now that he charm has worn off, she wants to come back to you. you're a fool if you agree to get back with her just like that. like someone else said, you need to tell her she needs to cut off all contact with that guy first, THEN maybe you could agree to meet her for a talk.

 

shes shown her colors as someone who lacks loyalty and consideration for you. she will do this again guaranteed and the next time might be behind your back instead of an open break. taking her back without any consequences will just show her that she has you wrapped around her finger and that she can keep hurting you and get away with it. i personally would walk away from her. have some dignity and self respect and walk away, theres plenty of other women out there that wouldnt do you the way she did.

[johnnydanger]

It's good advice stuka, and yes there are plenty of *good* women out there. But the trick is finding them. The process tends to get tiring, costly and time consuming!

[bcb32]

**another update, need advice again please lol***

 

I get that you guys are all saying that I shouldnt want her back and all that but I dont care what she did to me I want this girl back.

 

But we just texted some and she is saying that she was sad yesterday when sending that email and that she still doesnt want to be with me anymore. She says yes she loves me and misses me but she cant continue with our relationship. I replied with why are you messing with my head then sending me emails like that and so on. We are moderately long distance (4 hours) and she said some things like "if we did get back together im not coming back down there im done traveling" and i would say then you dont love me and you never did. Sadly, i still love her after all of this crap she is doing to me somehow, and i told her that if she wanted to stop messing with my head and end things off once and for all for good, then meet up with me this weekend and we can have a meal and we could get some closure at least. She agreed do doing that, but who knows if she will really come through. I also dont know if im even going to go. I think i might just go no contact from now on and try to go on with things and see if she does come back eventually. She is super confused about her life right now and I can just tell, i just wish she would let me help. The thought of spending this summer without her, doing all the things we are so used to doing together almost bring tears to my eyes and gets me all emotional.

 

About the other guy, she still is saying that they are hanging out a good bit but she says she doesnt have feelings for him? I dont know the whole deal about that, that whole rebound thing confuses me but she isnt making sense...

 

I do want her back, regardless of what you guys keep telling me. I know, im pathetic. But would me going no contact make her think that I really am gone kind of like it did last time? Especially after planning to meet? She reached out after a week of no contact last time. Or should I go talk things over with her and try to at least get some closure out of all of this and at least really end this part of my life face to face?

 

need some advice, thanks

[LarrySmith]

She's one interesting gal. Aside from what seems to be breathing behind her back why did she end it? I've heard from a buddy that his ended cause the lady wasn't getting enough sex. There's always a reason and sometimes neither the dumper nor dumpee knows. Sometimes only one knows but does not want to state it so the other party needs to realize it on his/her own.

 

Like someone else said somewhere that you can't change the other party. Would helping yourself (the parts that led to the breakup) be enough to sustain an enduring relationship— if you get back? Or do you think her ways may need small adjustments? Can you live with her traits that are less than stellar?— seems like its fine. Was she sending that email out of impulse in that moment?

 

The best indication could be the level of emotion. Best decisions or true state of minds are usually done with minimal emotion. If they have emotion, they're there to help with the other person (minimize criticism, get mutual understanding and so forth). Not entirely sure what the email said verbatim but it sounds as though she had moderate to high emotion in that action of sending. Would her response be different were she in a calmer state? Could the other guy have had something to do with her behaving this way?

 

Has she ever done this sort of event before? Was she only going on a temporary adventure with this other guy all along? Maybe she didn't realize that herself?— her continual expression of love to you.

[LarrySmith]

Saw your reply just now. That answers one of my Questions— she was sad! Let me read some more.