Within my right to ask?

[Abby0602]

All was fine in my relationship until a few month ago. While trying to change some settings a WhatsApp appeared on my boyfriends phone saying "me too" with heart eyes. It turns out in this conversation he was telling a previous sexual (relatively recent) partner who I didn't even know he was in contact with that he thinks about when they slept together all the time, and wishes they could do it again or could have been together. I confronted him about this and decided I could deal with it but asked if there was anything else he needed to tell me, to which he responded "no". A month later when trying to attach a photo to an email on his laptop I came across a folder full of nudes that have been sent to him (pictures and videos) of girls separated into 20 named folders. Some were before from when we were together, but several sets of pictures and videos were from since we have been together( they are dated) from girls he knows and has been in contact with telling me they're just friends. I stupidly decided to forgive this also. However now he continues to hide it from me when he speaks to girls regardless of whether it is innocent or not. Is it okay to sit and ask him if he wouldn't mind stopping speaking to all these girls, apart from the ones he genuinely believes are his friends (i.e. He would go out for coffee with them and there's nothing sexual attraction or flirting ect) and any girls that don't fit this to be ignored? Or is that too controlling even given the past. ( to be clear I don't want him to not speak to any girls at all)

[glitterfingers]

I'm sorry, I'm having difficulty understanding why you would stay with someone like that? I don't consider it worthwhile asking someone to 'please stop cheating', and I would consider this behaviour to be a form of cheating

[SherrySher]

I guess different people accept different things from partners, but me personally, I would have dumped him the moment I found out that he was telling another woman that he was reminiscing about their sex and wanting more of it. That was completely disrespectful to you who is his current partner and if he can talk that way to other women, what makes you think he is going to be loyal?

 

No need to be asking him to not talk to other women, that won't work, he will only hide it better. Just do yourself a favour and get away from him. He has zero loyalty and it's looking like he is not going to stop messing around with other women anytime soon.

[greta96]

So he is the type who has folders of pornographic material from girls he slept and still keeps in touch with, and this little treasure seems to be growing even now that you're dating. Is this really the type of guy you want around? Because cheating aside, it takes a specific type of character to do stuff like this, one that I know I wouldn't want to touch with a 10 foot pole!

Sure you can ask him to stop the behavior, but hopefully you don't expect him to follow through. He may say yes and then put more effort into hiding his extra curricular activities, or he may try to turn the tables on you somehow and make you feel guilty for even asking, but no matter what he does, will you really be able to trust this guy?

You'd better make sure you don't have a folder of your own, hidden somewhere on his PC...

[Jibralta]

I'm sorry, I'm having difficulty understanding why you would stay with someone like that? I don't consider it worthwhile asking someone to 'please stop cheating', and I would consider this behaviour to be a form of cheating

 

Me too.

 

Abby0602, you are certainly within your right to ask him not to cheat. But do you really want a relationship with a person who can't be trusted to do the right thing on his own? Do you want to be constantly vigilant, shepherding after him to keep him on the straight and narrow? It sounds like an absolutely exhausting existence.

[j.man]

Hey Abby. Good instincts on not wanting to be controlling, but it appears you've missed the point a bit.

 

Not being controlling is just as much for our own benefit as it is our partner's. As you're seeing with his patterned behavior, he's going to do what he wants to do regardless. The only person you can control is yourself, and when you can either spend however many months or years playing parole officer or you can simply leave to find someone who doesn't require a leash to be faithful.

[catfeeder]

Speaking only for myself, the first incident would have been enough for me. I'd have zero interest in keeping a partner I can't trust. What would be the point?

[ExperiencedDad]

All was fine in my relationship until a few month ago. While trying to change some settings a WhatsApp appeared on my boyfriends phone saying "me too" with heart eyes. It turns out in this conversation he was telling a previous sexual (relatively recent) partner who I didn't even know he was in contact with that he thinks about when they slept together all the time, and wishes they could do it again or could have been together. I confronted him about this and decided I could deal with it but asked if there was anything else he needed to tell me, to which he responded "no". A month later when trying to attach a photo to an email on his laptop I came across a folder full of nudes that have been sent to him (pictures and videos) of girls separated into 20 named folders. Some were before from when we were together, but several sets of pictures and videos were from since we have been together( they are dated) from girls he knows and has been in contact with telling me they're just friends. I stupidly decided to forgive this also. However now he continues to hide it from me when he speaks to girls regardless of whether it is innocent or not. Is it okay to sit and ask him if he wouldn't mind stopping speaking to all these girls, apart from the ones he genuinely believes are his friends (i.e. He would go out for coffee with them and there's nothing sexual attraction or flirting ect) and any girls that don't fit this to be ignored? Or is that too controlling even given the past. ( to be clear I don't want him to not speak to any girls at all)

 

You sound so permissive (not controlling) that he likely will someday have a folder named "Abby".

[nutbrownhare]

He's perfectly within his rights to have nude photos of as many women as he likes, go out with whoever and send sexy messages to whoever.

 

He's not entitled to do this in your time, though.

 

I'd have been out of there after the first incident. If he thinks constantly about sleeping with someone else, let him get on with it. Don't stick with this jerk any longer. And wondering if it would be OK to ask him pretty please if he'd mind not collecting nude pics and then lying to you about it... this relationship has been doing terrible things to your self esteem.

 

Leave him to his "friends" and find yourself another guy who doesn't need to get off on this stuff!

[Ann1992tx]

Although I agree with the previous replies (being in a similar situation - different incidents though) I understand if you wanted to leave you would of done so.

 

You have your reasons for wanting to stay but you have to love yourself more then you love him. If your not leaving because you're thinking he might change, give him one last chance but make sure it is the last time. Don't tell him about it, just if it happens again, leave. No point in arguing or trying to find out more about it because he won't tell you the truth. Although you will want to believe him, you know you can't. Make a plan for when it happens again and stick with it.

 

Personally in the past I didn't leave a bad relationship because I thought I had no where to go at the moment. I mean I have family and friends but who wants to call them at 3am after crying and arguing for hours and answer 1,000 questions or let them in on your relationship issues? It was easier to argue till 5am, finally be okay with the excuses he was giving me and go to sleep. Not sure if what I'm saying makes sense to you but if you have a plan you will know exactly what to do next time it happens and there won't be ANY excuse to stay.

 

But to answer your question, yes you have the right to ask him to be faithful. Give him guidelines of who he can add, if he is not okay with that then he can leave, saves you the heartache because then you will know for a fact he can't change. If he agrees but lies to you about it then leave. If he gets upset about you giving him guidelines then leave because if he can't compromise although it's his fault your having these trust issues due to HIS previous actions, then why stay?

[Vicky89]

All was fine in my relationship until a few month ago.

 

Nope, all was NOT fine, he was talking sexually with other girls and collecting their nudes and videos, you just weren't aware that he had been doing this the whole time until recently.

 

Are you within your rights to ask him to stop talking to these girls ? Sure.

 

Is he going to give a rats fat behind what you have to say ? No.

 

Should you break up with him before you get an std from his whoring around ? Most definitely.

 

Should you also take some time to ponder why you dated this loser in the first place and why your self esteem is so low that you would even think this "relationship" has any chance at working out long term ? Yes

[Emily214]

Why are you still with him!!!