18month marriage and lonely

[Demobjane]

I met and married my husband within a year as it felt right to do so.We are in our late 50s and we are very similar..maybe too similar as we are both over sensitive and this can lead us both to over react and argue often over rubbish. On a positive note we have supported each other through difficult times and many changes.

 

When we married my husband had a regular 9 to 5 job but he was commuting and not happy in his work. He decided to leave and start his own business about 6 months ago. I was worried about the financial impact and risks involved but he has had successful businessses before and I supported him in his decision. Even during this process he was second guessing me and accusing me of not trusting him to make a go of it. Since he began the business he is working 6 sometimes 7 days a week and is on his laptop and phone a lot. I am really struggling as I am coming up to retirement and it was not what I expected from our marriage.

 

I have started to feel lonely and when I have broached the subject of balance in our lives and spending quality time together he has flown off the handle accusing me of putting him under pressure. He says compromise is not possible because money is tight and he needs to work the hours to help pay the bills. We are managing by the way as I work full time and earn a reasonable wage. I am scared for our future and the upset this situation is causing. I am feeling disconnected from my husband and not sure what to do. It really makes me cry.I am trying to be realistic as he has no pension but we will have mine. He has said he has to contribute equally so I understand his perspective but I didn't get married to feel lonely.

[melancholy123]

This is such a sad story. My husband and I ran a successful business of our own for 21 yrs and for the first several yrs he worked really long hours as he really wanted it to work, and it did. So I appreciate your situation, but my husband was not a workaholic like yours sounds to be. I wish I knew what you could say to him to get him to take at least one day a week off for his own mental health as well as yours. What he is doing will catch up to him sooner or later, unfortunately. Compromise is possible, so he is wrong there. Is there another person he would listen to who could get him to take it easy from time to time?

[Demobjane]

Thank you for your kind reply and advice which is really sound. I will broach the subject with my friend and see if she can hint at a day off or so. I am also trying to get my husband to come out for walks etc. It's difficult to know how to respond in these circumstances as I am good at my own company and putting across to him that it's all fine. This weekend I made a point of booking into a lovely hotel on my own to give him the message that I don't need to be with him but actually I just feel really sad and want to go home and spend time with him.

[Rezie]

Could you two discuss your feeling and set up "rules" with an outsider present? Such as he doesn't work on Sundays and you will have dinner together 4 nights a week etc. And then he could explain the reasons why he has to work 7 days a week and what is his plan for the furure.

 

It sounds like you talking to him causes his to go on defensive mode instead of him listening to you. So maybe an outside "mediator" Could help?

 

In the mean time. Go out, have new friends, travel, get hobbies. Don't wait around for your partner!

[Demobjane]

Thanks Rezie. Really great advice and this morning we did have a break through as I contacted him from the hotel and told him I was missing him and wanted to spend time with him. He phoned me straight away and said he would be waiting for me and had parked work for the day. We went for a walk and I was able to tell him how I felt. He has been very loving and understanding about creating some balance. Early days but hopeful. I am seeing my female friend this week so that will help too.

[j.man]

I can see both sides, but it's concerning that your post reads like your husband has been investing all his time into a failed business for years now, not like he just 6 months ago began his business and is, frankly, doing what's necessary of a start-up in 2017. This is an unprecedented era of direct competition between small businesses.

 

I think booking hotels to send a message is a bit harsh at this stage. I applaud you for reaching out to friends, as it seems if a few months of fettered attention has you reeling, you've potentially centered your world a bit too much around your husband.

 

Another point of consideration: you speak of retiring soon. I know anything work-related may be the last thing on your mind, but is it possible there might be some light, clerical tasks you could casually handle that might help him out, freeing up some of his time in the future?

[Demobjane]

I can see both sides, but it's concerning that your post reads like your husband has been investing all his time into a failed business for years now, not like he just 6 months ago began his business and is, frankly, doing what's necessary of a start-up in 2017. This is an unprecedented era of direct competition between small businesses.

 

I think booking hotels to send a message is a bit harsh at this stage. I applaud you for reaching out to friends, as it seems if a few months of fettered attention has you reeling, you've potentially centered your world a bit too much around your husband.

 

Another point of consideration: you speak of retiring soon. I know anything work-related may be the last thing on your mind, but is it possible there might be some light, clerical tasks you could casually handle that might help him out, freeing up some of his time in the future?

 

Hi Jman.First of all congratulations on your engagement. The business is completely new as he was an employee for many years after he sold his last business. Fortunately the business is doing well but this is on the basis of him putting a lot of time and energy into it as is often the case with a new business.

 

I booked the hotel to spend some time reflecting on the next steps as opposed to "sending out a message"and my husband knew this was the case in advance as it was mutually agreed. If you read my last response you will see that this has lead to a breakthrough for us both. I don't support playing games in relationships as I am far too honest and almost 60!

 

I agree that the last 18 months have been focused on my husband but this is a new marriage when you both should be focused on shared expectations. The challenge has been not spending as much shared time together as I initially thought we would. I am a self reliant person who doesn't need to be joined at the hip. However, it's true that approaching retirement will bring opportunities for new friendships hopefully separately and together.I think this will help me to have a clearer perspective and not get so upset.

 

Your reference to "light clerical duties" made me smile jman. It sounds faintly Victorian...as though I would get an attack of the vapours if I engaged in too much physical endeavour! Either way it's an intriguing idea..maybe I could help with his deliveries though I think it would drive my husband to distraction.He enjoys managing the whole thing himself but I will ask him. Good luck with your lady.

[Starlight925]

I can see both sides, but it's concerning that your post reads like your husband has been investing all his time into a failed business for years now, not like he just 6 months ago began his business and is, frankly, doing what's necessary of a start-up in 2017. This is an unprecedented era of direct competition between small businesses.

 

I think booking hotels to send a message is a bit harsh at this stage. I applaud you for reaching out to friends, as it seems if a few months of fettered attention has you reeling, you've potentially centered your world a bit too much around your husband.

 

Another point of consideration: you speak of retiring soon. I know anything work-related may be the last thing on your mind, but is it possible there might be some light, clerical tasks you could casually handle that might help him out, freeing up some of his time in the future?

 

I'm in my mid-50's, so I'm in your same age range. And yes, we are at that age where retirement years are looming, so I do understand where you're coming from.

 

Having said that, I do agree with j.man's post. I think that staying at the hotel, while I understand your desire to just spend some time clearing your head, could come off as passive aggressive. Did you talk to your husband, very thoroughly, about why you wanted to stay at the hotel? And communicate after you came home?

 

As for him spending a ton of time on his business, I get his side too. Some men (women too) have hobbies that take up a ton of their time. Golf, fishing, motorcycling, whatever. It seems that this new business is his "hobby", but it has the added pressure of providing him income. So he sort of has to focus on it, whereas if it was golf, it could be put aside from time to time.

 

I do understand your wanting to maintain couples' time, so that's where lots of great communication comes in.

 

I also understand your lonely feeling, because you didn't enter the marriage knowing there would be this much alone time.

[Starlight925]

I agree that the last 18 months have been focused on my husband but this is a new marriage when you both should be focused on shared expectations. The challenge has been not spending as much shared time together as I initially thought we would.

 

I bolded the part above that you wrote about expectations. Expectations can lead to disappointments. When you use the word "shared", are these shared with your husband? Were these part of your shared communications prior to getting married? Or since? Or are they your expectations?

[j.man]

Your reference to "light clerical duties" made me smile jman. It sounds faintly Victorian...as though I would get an attack of the vapours if I engaged in too much physical endeavour! Either way it's an intriguing idea..maybe I could help with his deliveries though I think it would drive my husband to distraction.He enjoys managing the whole thing himself but I will ask him. Good luck with your lady.

Coming from a mother who competed multiple years for Ms. Olympia and who's a career union electrician, I hope you won't take that advice the wrong way! I won't date a woman who can't reliably lift at least 50 pounds and isn't willing to get her hands dirty. Interestingly enough, I was actually channeling myself and what I'd imagine being OK doing were I to retire but still wanna help out. Entering invoices would be easy enough to do with a glass of whiskey in hand.

 

Regardless, I appreciate your response as it has you coming off much more amenable than your initial post gave me the impression of. As sort of a double-pronged strategy, maybe both giving him the benefit of some more time while seeing how your efforts to expand your social circle pan out will get you both out of this rut in relative peace. And, given your willingness to help him out to ease his workload a bit, I think you'd be well within your rights to put your foot down in letting him let you help him should you two still find yourselves lacking quality time otherwise.

[Tanzi]

What I find disconcerting is is the fact that he has supposedly had successful businesses before. If that were the case then why is not still running at least one of these businesses? What happened with these businesses?

 

May I ask what the nature of his new business venture is?

[Demobjane]

I bolded the part above that you wrote about expectations. Expectations can lead to disappointments. When you use the word "shared", are these shared with your husband? Were these part of your shared communications prior to getting married? Or since? Or are they your expectations?

 

Hi there. Thank you for your insight and I think your point about expectations is very true. We did communicate about our expectations pre marriage. At the time he was employed and not in business so at that point the expectation was that this would contine at least on a part time basis to help us in our retirement. The challenge has been adjusting to a different set of circumstances.

 

The decision to go to a hotel was discussed but it came from both us feeling sad.I didn't know what to do next to be honest but I can see it may come across as a threat which is not good for the security of a couple.Whilst I was away I did spend time thinking about how I could improve my communication with my husband though as we can both be a bit reactive. It also made me realise that this is a transient problem that we can communicate about. I have returned feeling that we are a team and not feeling alone.

[Demobjane]

Coming from a mother who competed multiple years for Ms. Olympia and who's a career union electrician, I hope you won't take that advice the wrong way! I won't date a woman who can't reliably lift at least 50 pounds and isn't willing to get her hands dirty. Interestingly enough, I was actually channeling myself and what I'd imagine being OK doing were I to retire but still wanna help out. Entering invoices would be easy enough to do with a glass of whiskey in hand.

 

Regardless, I appreciate your response as it has you coming off much more amenable than your initial post gave me the impression of. As sort of a double-pronged strategy, maybe both giving him the benefit of some more time while seeing how your efforts to expand your social circle pan out will get you both out of this rut in relative peace. And, given your willingness to help him out to ease his workload a bit, I think you'd be well within your rights to put your foot down in letting him let you help him should you two still find yourselves lacking quality time otherwise.

 

Hi again jman. Your Mum sounds awesome! I like your views on "equal weight lifting"and roles which are refreshing.I can see that it's all about communication and the work that goes into being married. If you love each other you work stuff out together including supporting each other with goals.

[Demobjane]

I'm in my mid-50's, so I'm in your same age range. And yes, we are at that age where retirement years are looming, so I do understand where you're coming from.

 

Having said that, I do agree with j.man's post. I think that staying at the hotel, while I understand your desire to just spend some time clearing your head, could come off as passive aggressive. Did you talk to your husband, very thoroughly, about why you wanted to stay at the hotel? And communicate after you came home?

 

As for him spending a ton of time on his business, I get his side too. Some men (women too) have hobbies that take up a ton of their time. Golf, fishing, motorcycling, whatever. It seems that this new business is his "hobby", but it has the added pressure of providing him income. So he sort of has to focus on it, whereas if it was golf, it could be put aside from time to time.

 

I do understand your wanting to maintain couples' time, so that's where lots of great communication comes in.

 

I also understand your lonely feeling, because you didn't enter the marriage knowing there would be this much alone time.

 

Hi LH. Forgive me if you get this twice as I am just finding my way round the site. Thank you for your insight around this. We both discussed the hotel stay for I night as we were both feeling sad and I didn't know what to do next. I thought about how I could communicate better with my husband whilst I was there and the posts on here were so helpful in giving a different perspective. Having talked some more with my husband it feels like we are a team and can find some balance together. Jman made a good point about supporting my husband with his work when I retire and really it's about supporting his goals and vice versa.

 

You are right about the time that people spend on hobbies and this business is his passion as well as providing income.As he goes to work each day with a smile on his face I think I need to leave my ego aside and share his joy!

[Demobjane]

What I find disconcerting is is the fact that he has supposedly had successful businesses before. If that were the case then why is not still running at least one of these businesses? What happened with these businesses?

 

May I ask what the nature of his new business venture is?

 

Hi Blue. Without revealing too much detail it's a creative business that he is good at which is why it is developing well. In terms of your first query he sold his business because he wanted to make some different choices and wanted a simpler life that did not involve the primary focus of material gain. My husband is an interesting man.. I didn't know him at the time but I think it took a lot of courage to make this choice.

[Unreasonable]

So, do you think he's using work as an excuse to be distant with you? Or do you think he legitimately needs to spend this amount of time to get the business up and running? I know you said you "manage" and I presume you guys are not barely scraping by, but still, it's not always about the family's personal money when it comes to a business. It can take years of hard work to get a business off the ground. Given your ages, I can see him wanting to get it well established sooner rather than later. If he can get it to the point where he can hire sufficient employees to do the brunt of the work, he can scale back his own work.