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Jibralta

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A couple months ago, I posted about this guy at work, Joe. I was reading mixed signals from him: Sometimes it seemed like he was a bit sweet on me, other times not so much.

 

I concluded that he was probably a rolling-stone push-pull sort who didn't really know what he wanted, didn't have great boundaries, etc. Basically a nightmare for a lonely woman looking for love.

 

I felt very glad to be out of the dating pool.

 

I introduced Joe to my boyfriend at our company Christmas party in December.* Joe didn't really stick around to chat.

 

Maybe it's my imagination, but I think Joe's visits to my desk decreased since then. He's still as friendly as ever, just not as interactive.

 

During the last two weeks or so, Joe has been stopping by a bit because we are going to be working on the same project. It's Frank's project, which I've recently posted about.

 

I am pretty reluctant to work on this project, and have expressed my feelings about it to Joe. I have probably been more vocal than I should be about this.

 

Today, Joe came to my desk and said, "I told Rob to ask you out."

 

I said, "What?"

 

He said, "To ask you about the project. I told him that you didn't seem too excited about it and he said, 'I should go ask her about it, then!'"

 

I laughed. "Yeah, great! Ask away. I have no answer to give you."

 

He didn't attempt to address the "ask you out" thing and I didn't ask. Was that some weird sort of Freudian slip? I'm gonna have to start talking about my boyfriend again.

 

Now that I wrote that all out, I feel crazy.

 

Ha! I just remebered that scene from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure where they address Freud as "Frood-Dude."

 

God, I love that movie.

 

____________________________

*Speaking of the Christmas party... I can now say with confidence that the Greek guy, Andrew, is NOT interested in me romantically. My boyfriend and I met his girlfriend (now fiance) at the Christmas party. She's stunning. The four of us had a lively conversation about favorite food and drink venues. Since then, I've been able to drop the paranoia about Andrew's motives when he comes to visit me at my desk. He's just a chatty guy.

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Years ago I worked as a file clerk for a doctor's group. One of the docs was always really demanding and often a bully with staff. My boss tried to shield her staff from him - she always told me to run the other way when I saw him coming, lol.

 

Through the year he became very personable so I wondered why my boss was making such a big deal. We were all shocked when news came out that he had been taking female hormones in preparation for a sex change. He - is now a she.

 

I think the hormones softened him. And maybe s/he was happy to be their true self. What was sad - the other docs in the practice voted to exclude her from the practice and bought her share out.

 

The difference between Catherine's situation and the doc's situation- Catherine was incompetent. The doc was not - in fact s/he was an excellent doctor. She was excluded purely because of the sex change. I hope she is happy wherever she ended up.

 

My (formerly nephew) nice is transitioning from male to female. It is a hard road to go down, but she had felt that way since very young. She had told me when in 1st grade but I didn't understand about such things, and told (then - him) to celebrate being a boy!

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I know you're right. But I am so angry with Catherine that it's hard to look at that doctor's situation and not wonder, "How was he manipulating the people around him? What weren't people seeing that he was doing wrong?"

 

If Catherine showed up to work as Carl The Man and behaved towards me the way that she did (pushing me to go to lunch with her, to have drinks with her, hovering over me at my desk for half the day, trying to lean across me to use my keyboard, etc), people would notice. Carl would probably reprimanded, or facing sexual harassment charges. But presenting as a woman, Catherine could do all of those things with impunity.

 

I'm so angry about it that it's affected my whole perception on the transgender community. Part of me hopes that's temporary, the other part is up in arms.

 

It's crazy because when I first met Catherine, I was intrigued and impressed by her. The whole situation was so interesting to me and I made a lot of effort to understand it. I talked about her constantly to my boyfriend. I watched videos on transgenderism. I learned as much as I could in order to appreciate what life for her must have been like. I was really curious.

 

Now, it's the opposite. It's like a door has slammed shut in my mind.

 

We'll see where that goes.

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I had the worst day working with Frank. I really hate him. I have to fix that stupid Revit model for him and he's breathing down my neck with his stupid undying ignorance. I wish he would find someone else to do this because I don't think I can survive working for him. I may self-destruct.

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Yesterday, during our regular lunchtime walk, my coworker Lisa said that she feels bad for Catherine because she's transgender and it will be hard for her to find a job. I found myself vehemently opposed to this statement and wanting to argue it.

 

I said, "Catherine worked as an architect before she was transgender and has worked since she became transgender."

 

Lisa said, "I know, but there's still discrimination"

 

I said, "Nobody in our office discriminated against her. Everyone was extremely welcoming and understanding. And I think if you are transgender, you can't do much better than to choose architecture as a profession because people in this profession tend to be very open-minded."

 

I really have to shut up, though. The climate in this country is such that people can no longer tell the difference between bigotry and a one-off opinion. I feel a witch hunt a-brewin. They're hunting bigots this time, instead of pagans or commies. The irony is (as usual) that the hunt is fueled by oversimplistic, bigoted thinking.

 

People think they learn, but they don't. History repeats itself.

 

My coworkers aren't brandishing their pitchforks or anything, but they are affected. People everywhere are affected to some extent. They trade their rational minds for emotional reaction when they hear certain words or phrases. They can't help it. We're all susceptible to zeitgeist.*

 

A lot of people in my office do feel sympathy for Catherine. If they heard my rant against her they would probably leap to her defense based on her transgenderism alone. They never worked for her, though. They didn't lose three months worth of nights and weekends trying to compensate for her ineptitude. They didn't watch as she TOTALLY dismissed her principal role in an unequivocal failure as some sort of victimization and continued to assume an aura of leadership which she was continuously unable to actually live up to.

 

There is something offensively immoral about her entitled lack of responsibility.

 

-----------------------------------------------

*By the way, if you google that word and see that there is a movie by that name, don't bother watching it. Maybe it does include SOME facts, but I stopped watching when they said that structural steel was heat-proof. They are either bald-faced liars or they simply don't know what they're talking about. Either way, they are passing off false statements as truth. Crazy how film gives frauds an air of legitimacy.

 

Jibralta, regarding the transgender issue, you know, I completely know where you're coming from here and I can't agree more. It's like, there are these selected "protected" states or "types" of people (which the concept of that to me is insane anyway but there it is) where if you say not even something bad, not even a criticism, it's just if you say something that is not complete and utter abundant praise, you are a monster. I've had this myself, not just about someone who was transgender (don't know anyone directly or closely) but I've even had long term friends over night turn and ditch me, and not to my face either, just fade themselves completely and obviously out and then slag me off behind my back to everyone else I still know whilst telling them they're in "terrible company" dealing with a "bigot like me".

 

My eyes are rolling for you, I know the temptation you wrestled with there! Trust me, the attitude surrounding policing speech just makes me want to go full throttle but sometimes for your own interests you have to take a step back, hard as that can be. Well I mean, I don't actually believe what I've just said there at all, I think you should say what you want when you want but, I'm trying to be sensible here and say, you made the right call at that time. I do believe that. Well done haha!

 

Lo x

 

PS your journal is just so fantastic. I love the way you write. I really do!

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It's like, there are these selected "protected" states or "types" of people (which the concept of that to me is insane anyway but there it is) where if you say not even something bad, not even a criticism, it's just if you say something that is not complete and utter abundant praise, you are a monster.

 

Thank you, MyLolita. I appreciate you saying that. It's been a struggle facing my feelings about this whole thing because I feel like I am committing some sort of thought-crime by thinking and feeling the way that I do about this.

 

(and Luminousone: I appreciate your contribution, as well. Please don't think that I don't)

 

MyLolita-- That part about your friends fading out on you... obviously, you're better off without people like that in your life, but it still sucks.

 

People can be ridiculously irrational sometimes. I remember a couple years ago, when the press was hounding Justin Bieber about every single thing that he did, I decided to take the opposite stance in a conversation with my boyfriend and my then-roommate. I defended Justin Bieber.

 

You should have seen how pissed off they got! It was incredible. It was almost as bad as the time I defended Michael Jackson.

 

People really lose their minds over people they never met and can't possibly know, over hearsay stories that they have absolutely no way of proving.

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Had another bad day with Frank. I really do think he is trying to bully and intimidate me.

 

It's really getting to me. Early in the morning, I just felt dread over him coming to my desk and asking about the project yet again. Then he finally did come over. We talked for about 10 minutes and the conversation devolved into why Revit sucks and how this is somehow all my fault.

 

He said it's my 'process,' and that my 'process' was also a problem during that first horrible failed project that I was on with Catherine. He said, "I tried to come over and help, but I just couldn't understand. And now it's happening again..."

 

I said, "It's not my process, it's the way this software works. Everything can't be done with the push of a button. It can be done, but it takes time. And I want to do it right. I have to check to make sure things translate properly, and that takes time."

 

At the end of the conversation, he said, cryptically, "I really want this to work, but...." Then he went back to his office and closed the door.

 

It left me wondering, want what to work? The project or my employment at the company? I sensed he meant the latter.

 

After that conversation, I went to Ivan's office and asked if he had a couple minutes for me to talk to him. He actually made time immediately and I closed the door and explained what had happened. I told him that it felt like Frank was threatening me.

 

I said something about Frank's subtle, sneaky insults and Ivan smiled. He said, "I'm not laughing at you. I'm smiling at the description."

 

Ivan asked questions about the project: what was the building, who was the client. I told him. He asked if Frank knew anything about BIM. I said he didn't, which was part of the problem. Frank doesn't know anything about Revit, yet he thinks he knows more than I do.

 

I said, "Despite what he thinks, I actually do know this program very well, and I am doing a good job. I am doing what needs to be done."

 

I told him that Frank said my 'process' was the problem during the failed project. Ivan said, "I don't know why he said that because nobody thinks that. That project was a disaster from day one."

 

Ivan said he was going to talk to Frank and try to address the problem. He said that I probably shouldn't work with Frank anymore.

 

Not wanting to look difficult, I said, "Listen, I'm happy to work for whomever. I just don't want him to treat me like that. I don't like to be threatened."

 

After that conversation, I went back to my desk. I felt better, but I had a hard time concentrating for a little while. Eventually, I was able to focus and get work done. But my appetite was gone, and I had indigestion by the time I got home tonight.

 

Despite all of this garbage, I really do like working there. Frank is literally the only bad thing.

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So, to add a little more pressure to my already beleaguered frame of mind, this other thing happened. It was sort of funny, sort of worrisome.

 

There's a guy who works in the print room, Damien. He makes sure drawing sets are printed/scanned/sent out properly. He's a really funny guy, great sense of humor. Lights up the whole office when he comes in.

 

Today, as I walked through the print room to get back to my desk, he said to me, "Jibralta, in the next lifetime, you will be mine." I just sort of stopped and looked at him, eyebrows raised.

 

He repeated, "Do you understand? The next lifetime. Not this one. Is that going to be a problem for your family?"

 

At this point, I knew what I was going to say. But the words were slow in coming. He went on: "Because it could be a problem with some families. I'm black, you're white. Would it be a problem for your family?"

 

The words finally came, "No, Damien. But listen. In the next lifetime, we could come back as trees." He laughed and started talking again, but I kept talking, too: "We could be acorns. We could be grasshoppers. It depends on how good we are in this life!"

 

He laughed and said, "You see? That's why I like talking to you."

 

I laughed too and hurried back to my desk.

 

I hope that was just a joke!

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Back in 2009 (10 years ago! I can't believe it), I met this guy and had this lovely, idyllic date.

 

It was a couple days before my 32nd birthday.

 

We initially met online. He messaged me. His spelling and punctuation was absolutely atrocious and at first I was appalled. I was like, what kind of person is this?

 

I lackadaisically responded so as not to be completely rude, and he encouraged me to check out his profile.

 

So, I clicked through.

 

The whole thing was just like his message. Terribly misspelled words, inconsistent misspellings, erratic punctuation.

 

But I read it, and despite all of the crazy errors, I saw there was a lot of depth to what he wrote. It was simply stated and somewhat profound. Something in it struck a chord with me.

 

In addition to this, he was kind of a Baldwin.

 

So, then I chatted with him in earnest. I learned that he wrote the way he did because he was dyslexic. I also learned that Dyslexic did not mean Stupid. It was obvious in chatting with him that he was very intelligent and perceptive. I realized that I had always incorrectly assumed that dyslexic people were unintelligent.

 

I'm always amazed when I discover a prejudice in myself.

 

Anyway, we had a couple brief but good IM conversations, and we became Facebook friends. Then communication dropped off. His profile was still up, but he wasn't active on it. His Facebook status still said Single (he later told me that he'd started dating someone during that time).

 

We still hadn't met in person but I was sprung. Our conversations had left an afterglow.

 

I realized that after years of protecting myself and avoiding real commitment, I was finally ready to take the risk. And he was the kind of down to earth, simple-hearted guy that I was looking for.

 

I missed him terribly while he was silent. And then one day, he came back.

 

There was a phone call. We talked for hours.

 

About a week passed, packed full of lengthy phone calls, and we decided we should meet in person before we started liking each other even more. He'd had an experience where the girl's photos did not accurately represent her, and didn't want a repeat of that situation.

 

So, we met in a beautiful little university town. It was early spring, perfect weather. He was extremely relieved that my pictures were accurate. I was a little overwhelmed by his effusive chattiness, actually. But I liked him.

 

We had a wonderful time. We walked around the town, had lunch, then walked around the university. Then we drove 45 minutes to a completely different town, walked around there, and had dinner.

 

When he got home, he posted this song on Facebook. I felt it was a reflection on the day we'd just had. I liked it. Then he liked it.

 

 

A couple days later, he drove two hours to see me on my birthday and give me an Avett Brothers album, I and Love and You. I had never heard of them before. It was a good album. I tried not to read too much into the album title.

 

After that, we deleted our dating profiles and changed our Facebook statuses to In A Relationship.

 

We were in love. For about two months.

 

Then it imploded. It wasn't really anyone's fault. There was no malice or betrayal. It just didn't work.

 

I was really sad.

 

But that's not really the point of my story.

 

I want to write about this strange thing that happened when we were exploring the university.

 

We'd found some nice teak tables and chairs on an elevated stone patio. We were sitting at one of the tables, playing with a tennis ball that we'd found somewhere along the way. One of us, I don't remember who, raised the ball up above the table and let it drop. It bounced a couple times in place and then came to a dead stop on the tabletop without rolling.

 

We both looked at each other like, Holy sh*t. What could it mean?

 

It was so eerie.

 

But it meant nothing.

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Thank you, MyLolita. I appreciate you saying that. It's been a struggle facing my feelings about this whole thing because I feel like I am committing some sort of thought-crime by thinking and feeling the way that I do about this.

 

(and Luminousone: I appreciate your contribution, as well. Please don't think that I don't)

 

MyLolita-- That part about your friends fading out on you... obviously, you're better off without people like that in your life, but it still sucks.

 

People can be ridiculously irrational sometimes. I remember a couple years ago, when the press was hounding Justin Bieber about every single thing that he did, I decided to take the opposite stance in a conversation with my boyfriend and my then-roommate. I defended Justin Bieber.

 

You should have seen how pissed off they got! It was incredible. It was almost as bad as the time I defended Michael Jackson.

 

People really lose their minds over people they never met and can't possibly know, over hearsay stories that they have absolutely no way of proving.

 

Thanks Jibs, but honestly, don't worry about it - just say what you mean when you mean it, people who matter will respect you for it, even if they don't agree. And who wants someone who simply agrees with everything you say aaaaall of the time?! That would be, weird, and boring I imagine.

 

And thanks for the support regarding the tumble weed used to be friends - I realised exactly that after the kind of, oh outch, did you just dump me? I think the worst part of it is they didn't even respect me enough to give me a reason, or even let me know I was gonna get ditched, via mass organisation as well, I could definitely forgive a dumping of spontaneous passion! But this was all thought out and they all got together and I felt like, I was in the Roman erm, what do you call it? The Senate! And I was speaking on the floor with my robe on and they creeped up behind me after weeks of whispering together and basically slid out the knife and stabbed me in the back. True cowards. And it really was over what I was saying, on the "floor", so to speak. We are still living with the Roman mob. Did you ever watch Gladiator? The mob IS Rome, the mob has power. Hahahaha. True.

 

On the note of Michael Jackson, or should we say, EM JAY - I have to tell you, I grew up a massive fan as most kids of the late 90s and early 2000s who's parents had all the tapes and CDs and I adored him, Moonwalker, the lot, loved it. I grew up as a teenager to hear all the horrible accusations and I simply couldn't, or wouldn't, believe it. Fast forward to now, I've turned 29 years old and I have to say, I researched it myself and I have no doubt in my mind he was what people say he was, and he did, and probably worse, most of what people say he did as well. And it really upset me inside for a lot of years, because as a child I had idolised this person. But, now I think the way he died was too good for him, so my opinion has done a 360!

 

There is an extremely damning documentary about him out right now I think, or due to be out. Anyway! Enough of that, sorry to de-rail and everything.

 

By the way, I notice Jibs that you are quite the man magnet. I don't mean that in a sarcastic way, I mean, men flock to you girl! As someone said here before, you must have your lamp light on sugar, and full beam MAMA!

 

Lo x

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PS Jibralta, I always wonder what the people are like behind the journals and, I have no desire at all to see a real life photo, but how would you describe yourself, physically and mentally? It always interests me, I guess these journals to me are like reading a live book with living characters and I sometimes wish everyone started off their journal with like this little character description of their appearance or other things, like a real book, HA! Y'know like, the first time a character is introduced and they go, "such and such shrugged off their coat to reveal a white, smooth shoulder, blah blah eyes, this this hands" or, something along those lines.

 

Oh my God, I am sounding like a total weirdo loser! Anyway, just a request! I always imagine you have dark hair for some reason.

 

Lo x

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Oh man, it's like I'm writing an online profile again!

 

No, but that's interesting, to introduce a character.

 

Well, I have dark eyes, and a direct, somewhat abrupt disposition that can alienate the more sensitive people. My hair is darker now, but when I was young it was very light blonde. I was small and skinny with knobby knees and I could climb like a monkey. I loved to fight. I got into more playground fights than I can possibly count. Always with boys, many times I had to fight several boys at once.

 

I haven't fought in many years, but I never truly lost the self confidence of being able to defend myself. Although sometimes, at my lowest points, the certainty fades.

 

To an outside observer, I probably look distracted and disheveled most of the time. I really want to care about the way that I look. But, to my great ongoing frustration, I half-ass almost everything that has to do with my appearance. I do this mainly because I can get away with it: I am pretty-ish and my figure is still nice despite gaining a bit of weight. Also, I am a perfectionist and if I don't look perfect then f*ck all. And sometimes I just can't be bothered.

 

But sometimes I do get it right ;)

 

Mentally... I don't like a lot of B.S. I try to keep things as simple as possible. I don't give up. I am optimistic. I follow my gut. I have a lot of faith in my own ability. I have a devilish sense of humor. I still find joy in fighting, although it's not punches and kicks now. I am a deep-roller, as Thomas Harris would say.

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Oh man, it's like I'm writing an online profile again!

 

No, but that's interesting, to introduce a character.

 

Well, I have dark eyes, and a direct, somewhat abrupt disposition that can alienate the more sensitive people. My hair is darker now, but when I was young it was very light blonde. I was small and skinny with knobby knees and I could climb like a monkey. I loved to fight. I got into more playground fights than I can possibly count. Always with boys, many times I had to fight several boys at once.

 

I haven't fought in many years, but I never truly lost the self confidence of being able to defend myself. Although sometimes, at my lowest points, the certainty fades.

 

To an outside observer, I probably look distracted and disheveled most of the time. I really want to care about the way that I look. But, to my great ongoing frustration, I half-ass almost everything that has to do with my appearance. I do this mainly because I can get away with it: I am pretty-ish and my figure is still nice despite gaining a bit of weight. Also, I am a perfectionist and if I don't look perfect then f*ck all. And sometimes I just can't be bothered.

 

But sometimes I do get it right ;)

 

Mentally... I don't like a lot of B.S. I try to keep things as simple as possible. I don't give up. I am optimistic. I follow my gut. I have a lot of faith in my own ability. I have a devilish sense of humor. I still find joy in fighting, although it's not punches and kicks now. I am a deep-roller, as Thomas Harris would say.

 

lovelovelove this

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(and Luminousone: I appreciate your contribution, as well. Please don't think that I don't).

 

No offense taken!

 

My point is, people are people- no matter their gender identity, sexual orientation, whatever. There are beautiful people and total jerks in all sectors.

 

That doctor was a great doctor but he was a total jerk with an ego that was cruel and abusive to others. Until "he" became a "she", and I honestly think the hormones helped. His/her skills as a doctor would not have changed with the sex change, except I think she was able to communicate better with others after going through the process.

 

What I do think is wrong- Catherine is blaming others for her own incompetence, rather than owning up to her own mistakes. So instead, she blames the criticism on "prejudice" against her as a transgender person. Her incompetence has nothing to do with being transgender. It is just plain straight up incompetence.

 

I mean, I do get that it is a tough road to go down. But people who feel their body does not match their gender identity must be desperate to change. Because I know that prejudice abounds - most people don't have experience knowing transgender people, and feel uncomfortable or don't know how to act. People wouldn't choose that tough road unless they really felt compelled.

 

Anyhow, transgender or not, Catherine was incompetent. Nothing to do with gender identity.

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Had another bad day with Frank. I really do think he is trying to bully and intimidate me.

 

It's really getting to me. Early in the morning, I just felt dread over him coming to my desk and asking about the project yet again. Then he finally did come over. We talked for about 10 minutes and the conversation devolved into why Revit sucks and how this is somehow all my fault.

 

He said it's my 'process,' and that my 'process' was also a problem during that first horrible failed project that I was on with Catherine. He said, "I tried to come over and help, but I just couldn't understand. And now it's happening again..."

 

I said, "It's not my process, it's the way this software works. Everything can't be done with the push of a button. It can be done, but it takes time. And I want to do it right. I have to check to make sure things translate properly, and that takes time."

 

At the end of the conversation, he said, cryptically, "I really want this to work, but...." Then he went back to his office and closed the door.

 

It left me wondering, want what to work? The project or my employment at the company? I sensed he meant the latter.

 

After that conversation, I went to Ivan's office and asked if he had a couple minutes for me to talk to him. He actually made time immediately and I closed the door and explained what had happened. I told him that it felt like Frank was threatening me.

 

I said something about Frank's subtle, sneaky insults and Ivan smiled. He said, "I'm not laughing at you. I'm smiling at the description."

 

Ivan asked questions about the project: what was the building, who was the client. I told him. He asked if Frank knew anything about BIM. I said he didn't, which was part of the problem. Frank doesn't know anything about Revit, yet he thinks he knows more than I do.

 

I said, "Despite what he thinks, I actually do know this program very well, and I am doing a good job. I am doing what needs to be done."

 

I told him that Frank said my 'process' was the problem during the failed project. Ivan said, "I don't know why he said that because nobody thinks that. That project was a disaster from day one."

 

Ivan said he was going to talk to Frank and try to address the problem. He said that I probably shouldn't work with Frank anymore.

 

Not wanting to look difficult, I said, "Listen, I'm happy to work for whomever. I just don't want him to treat me like that. I don't like to be threatened."

 

After that conversation, I went back to my desk. I felt better, but I had a hard time concentrating for a little while. Eventually, I was able to focus and get work done. But my appetite was gone, and I had indigestion by the time I got home tonight.

 

Despite all of this garbage, I really do like working there. Frank is literally the only bad thing.

 

Go Jib! You are so awesome! I love how you stuck up for yourself and also told Ivan you are doing a great job.

 

I think it is good that you stated you would work with anyone, but that you refuse to be treated that way.

 

I just wonder if Frank is beginning to worry about his own job, since he was also part of that failed project. Hence, he diverts blame to you.

 

Hang in there!

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By the way, I notice Jibs that you are quite the man magnet. I don't mean that in a sarcastic way, I mean, men flock to you girl! As someone said here before, you must have your lamp light on sugar, and full beam MAMA!

 

Lo x

 

Lol, I was going to point that out, too.

Being in a man-dominated profession probably doesn't help.

 

Deflecting those comments with humor and other clever quips helps to get through some of those awkward situations, though.

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We watched the Superbowl tonight.

 

I routed for the Patriots.

 

My boyfriend was routing for the Rams. He got mad at me and went to bed before it was over, so he doesn't know the Rams lost yet. Heh.

 

Well before that silly incident (and completely unrelated) we saw a Magnum PI commercial. I stated that as far as I was concerned, Tom Selleck was the only true Magnum PI, and a fantastic-looking man to boot.

 

Obviously there are tons of beautiful people around, especially when they're young, but very few people transition gracefully from young to old. Only a few people do it well.

 

So that started a brief conversation about truly good-looking Hollywood men, and I recalled that the other real looker (as far as I was concerned) was Paul Newman. Blah blah blah.

 

So, then my boyfriend asks, "Do you think Tom Brady is a good-looking man? He's married to Gisele Bündchen but he really doesn't strike me as good-looking."

 

He's right. There's something slightly "off" about Tom Brady. I sat there trying to figure it out, but all I could come up with was that he was gaunt.

 

Well, all pro-athletes are gaunt. They look beefy on TV, but when you're up close you can see the extremely efficient lack of body fat (unless they're a linebacker or something that requires size).

 

So, I knew that couldn't be the complete explanation.

 

Then my boyfriend said, "He's skinny-fat."

 

I had to look. But once I looked, it was obvious that my boyfriend was right. Tom Brady is a big, underweight guy. He really doesn't have a lot of muscle tone. I guess he has to be somewhat strong, but it's not obvious.

 

Other players are skinny, but you can see their muscle. Not so with Tom. He's like a string bean.

 

Obviously, the string bean is mightier than the muscle.

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We watched the Superbowl tonight.

 

I routed for the Patriots.

 

My boyfriend was routing for the Rams. He got mad at me and went to bed before it was over, so he doesn't know the Rams lost yet. Heh.

 

Well before that silly incident (and completely unrelated) we saw a Magnum PI commercial. I stated that as far as I was concerned, Tom Selleck was the only true Magnum PI, and a fantastic-looking man to boot.

 

Obviously there are tons of beautiful people around, especially when they're young, but very few people transition gracefully from young to old. Only a few people do it well.

 

So that started a brief conversation about truly good-looking Hollywood men, and I recalled that the other real looker (as far as I was concerned) was Paul Newman. Blah blah blah.

 

So, then my boyfriend asks, "Do you think Tom Brady is a good-looking man? He's married to Gisele Bündchen but he really doesn't strike me as good-looking."

 

He's right. There's something slightly "off" about Tom Brady. I sat there trying to figure it out, but all I could come up with was that he was gaunt.

 

Well, all pro-athletes are gaunt. They look beefy on TV, but when you're up close you can see the extremely efficient lack of body fat (unless they're a linebacker or something that requires size).

 

So, I knew that couldn't be the complete explanation.

 

Then my boyfriend said, "He's skinny-fat."

 

I had to look. But once I looked, it was obvious that my boyfriend was right. Tom Brady is a big, underweight guy. He really doesn't have a lot of muscle tone. I guess he has to be somewhat strong, but it's not obvious.

 

Other players are skinny, but you can see their muscle. Not so with Tom. He's like a string bean.

 

Obviously, the string bean is mightier than the muscle.

 

Hahahax1000

 

i really do not like TB. i respect his consistency commitment and achievement. But I do not like him at all.

 

Skinny fat. omg definitely repeating that. That is hilarious.

 

Sean Connery and Tom Selleck are two men who improved with age, even.

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I love how you stuck up for yourself and also told Ivan you are doing a great job.

 

I think it is good that you stated you would work with anyone, but that you refuse to be treated that way.

 

Thanks :) I appreciate the support/reassurance.

 

Sometimes, as I'm saying things like that, I regret it. An alarm goes off in my head, like, "Oh my god, did I just say that?? Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" But I just keep on going and I deal with the uncertainty later.

 

It's good to hear approval from someone else because it helps to put things into perspective for me. It makes it possible for me to realize that if someone else was going through this, I would tell them to stand up for themselves.

 

But when it's me in the hot seat, I always wonder if I'm overreacting.

 

And it doesn't help that Frank talks quietly, in a gentle voice, and delivers these veiled threats in a sneaky, passive sort of way.

 

He's like Ben Stiller's character in Happy Gilmore.

 

On Thursday, Frank was pressuring me into committing to his deadline in the most absurd way. "I need to know. Our boss needs to know. The client needs to know. Our bookkeeper needs to know." I mean, he was just pulling names out of his ass, literally just to pressure me into committing to the date he wanted me to commit to with zero receptiveness to any alternative.

 

Finally, I sort of committed, just to get him to leave my desk and stop bothering me. He huffed off with a dramatic "Thank god!"

 

A couple minutes later, the guy who sits right behind me walked over and started chitchatting with me. He said, "It seems like Frank is always over here, just pushing you." I was glad to hear that someone else noticed it!

 

I just wonder if Frank is beginning to worry about his own job, since he was also part of that failed project. Hence, he diverts blame to you.

 

I'm starting to think along the same lines. I don't know if his job is in jeopardy, but I do think he is trying to put as much distance between himself and that failed project as he possibly can.

 

I get the sense that it has marred his reputation and that he's trying to wipe that dirt off on me.

 

Like I'll sit there and just take the blame! I must look like an easy mark to him.

 

Fat chance, stupid.

 

I can only guess at what the inner workings of the management team are. What I do know is that there are four principals. One of the principals, Mark, is friends with Frank and believes in him. I recognized this back in September, when I wrote to Mark and appealed to him for help.

 

I told Mark then that I didn't trust Frank, and that based on some of his responses I wondered if Frank had it in for me. Mark assured me that "Frank wants [me] to succeed." And then he gave me a few reasons why he likes working with Frank.

 

I just want to tell Mark that sh*t doesn't flow up hill.

 

But anyway, I know that at least one of the four principals is pro-Frank.

 

However, I've also caught wind of the fact that Frank is a terrible project manager and can't keep track of his budgets to save his life. Also, I know that he and Catherine had a weird power struggle of sorts.

 

I assume her ejection from the company was fostered in part by Frank. Deservedly so, in her case. But maybe he's on a rampage now.

 

Lol. What an idiot. I have no respect for him.

 

Anyway, I'm rambling on.

 

I called out sick on Friday. I spent the whole day in bed, with an atrocious upper respiratory infection. I was sick all weekend, and I'm calling out of work again today. Frank can blow his deadline out his ass.

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I more or less eviscerated Frank on Thursday. I felt good about it after it happened, but on Friday I felt stressed. And now I almost wish I could take it back. Almost.

 

Not because I feel bad (I don't) but because I can see that Frank's already almost convinced himself that it didn't happen. It was just a waste of my time. I mean, he's exactly like a piece of slime. I can cut him, but he just self-heals and regains his shape.

 

What happened is, I was out Friday, Monday, and Tuesday. I came in on Wednesday, still pretty sick, to Frank still insisting (in his typically absurd, unhinged way) that the deadline was completely reasonable, and that "[he's] not worried about it." That's Frank-code for, "It's your fault if we don't meet the deadline."

 

He left me alone the rest of that day. But I imagined my imminent future: dealing with his nasty little whisperings of my inadequacy as I explained for the millionth time that I couldn't honestly commit to the deadline.

 

That night, I got no sleep. My mind was racing. I dragged myself into work on Thursday morning, already wincing about the day ahead.

 

When Ivan came in, I went right to his office. Part of me wants to kick myself for the way that I've been throwing myself on his mercy. Well, "mercy" isn't really the right word here. But that phrase captures the gist of what I'm trying to say. I don't care that I've metaphorically punched Frank in the face. F*ck that idiot. I do care that I've leaned so heavily on Ivan over this. But honestly, I was at my wit's end. What Frank has been doing was sinister and unfair.

 

Anyway, back to the story. I could tell that Ivan was not too keen to see me again over this matter. But I said to him, "Were you able to talk to Frank?" He said he did, but he wasn’t forthcoming with the outcome. So, I asked. He said he told Frank I was offended by the way he spoke to me, and to avoid admonishing me in front of others.

 

I blurted out, “But why should I be admonished?”

 

I mean, that’s the real crazy-maker here. Being made to feel like I don’t know what I’m talking about by someone who has less knowledge than I do in this area.

 

Ivan did not attempt to justify or discount the admonishments. I’m sure he’s wise to remain neutral.

 

He asked if Frank had continued to behave in an offensive manner towards me, and I said, "Actually, no. I haven't interacted with him much since last Thursday. Theoretically, I have no further cause to be upset, except for the fact that Frank has constantly talked down to me in the past. I don't think he can stop."

 

Ivan suggested we continue the conversation after lunch, because he had a meeting. So, after lunch, I brought the set to Ivan's office to review it. Frank was out of the office on business, due to return shortly. I was really stressed out. Ivan was asking questions about the project that were off-topic to the points I was trying to make. I just wanted to get my point across to him, and I was a huge ball of nerves. It was definitely stressing him out.

 

At one point, he got up from the table and called over to the structural engineer, Joe. This phone call obviously took Joe by surprise. But he told Ivan exactly what I told Ivan: He wasn't ready. Nobody was ready.

 

Right as Ivan got off the phone with Joe, we heard someone exit the private bathroom between Ivan's and Mark's offices. Ivan got up, made a beeline for the door, and accosted Mark outside of his office. I heard a quiet, unemotional exchange. Occasionally, I heard, "She thinks...... She says...." But I couldn't hear more.

 

When Ivan walked back into his office, he said, "Frank's back. Shall I call him in to meet with us?" I said, "Fine."

 

When Frank walked into Ivan's office and saw us both sitting there with the drawing set, he looked scared sh*tless. I actually felt a little bad for him. I mean, this wasn't the end of the world. At least, I didn't see it that way. I was just pissed at him over his mean behavior. But Frank looked cornered. He completely avoided eye-contact with me. And he wouldn't sit down! I mean, he just sort of stood there, frozen. Not looking at me. I swear his pants were rattling against his legs. His stomach had obviously dropped into his shoes.

 

Ivan urged him to relax and take a seat. And finally, Frank sat. Ivan made a statement that was sympathetic to Frank, talking about how when he was younger, he had to learn how to rein himself in. (Later, I thought about that statement and wondered, "If age can be Frank's excuse for his behavior, then I, being younger, must have mad leeway!!) Frank explained a little about the deadline, and apologized to me about it being so tight. But there was nothing he could do about it.

 

I said, "I understand that the deadline is out of your control. What is not out of your control is the way that you treat me. I am doing my best. I don't need you pressuring me, saying, "What am I going to tell the client, what am I going to tell Mark?" I don't need you huffing off with an exasperated "Thank God!" [and I effected it the same way that he did] when I finally do capitulate to your pressure. I do not want to be squeezed. This situation is not my fault and I do not deserve to be treated like that, especially when I am doing my best for you. And my best is good. I do a good job. I am good at this program. I don't need to hear that other people in this office are better than I am. Because they're not. I know this program just as well as they do, although we may do things differently."

 

There's probably a lot more that I could have said, but I think I got my point across.

 

Frank apologized for being 'emotional' and saying things that he probably shouldn't have. Ivan told me that I had to go forward and drop any bitterness that I might harbor. Frank and I exited the room with the drawing set. I followed him to his office and we went through the set together so that I could show him what work actually needed to be done (this was the first time he actually looked at the set since I started working on it).

 

He was great at first, but then at drawing A-200, he started to wane and say, "I’m not worried about this." Ugh. He is so lazy.

 

I went down to the engineering department after that and Joe said, "Did you throw us under the bus, or was Ivan just calling for his own information?" I laughed and said, "No. I did go to Ivan. But I didn't throw you under the bus."

 

The next day, Joe approached me about it again, "So, did you go to Ivan because you were concerned about the deadline?" I said "Yeah! I keep getting all of this pressure from Frank and I keep telling him that I can't do it, and Frank doesn't listen!" Joe said, "No, I completely understand. That's what you should have done. We've been telling Frank the same thing. He doesn't listen."

 

Ivan definitely avoided me all day Friday. That's fine with me, although as I said earlier, I do feel like a bit of an ass for all of the pressure I've put on him.

 

Frank avoided me on Friday, too. I could practically see his protective layer of slime self-healing. At the very end of the day, he did come to my desk to go over work that had to be delegated. He asked me if the mechanical engineers thought they'd be done by Monday. I thought this was a ridiculous question, since he has been talking to them as much as I have, and since one of them specifically needed to talk to him. But Frank was leaving for the day, so it was up to me to let him know if anything changed.

 

He had me send out a somewhat snarky email to the mechanical engineers about Monday's deadline. I received an equally snarky response from the head of that department, saying that we would have our drawings in two weeks. So, I went to the guy and asked him to call Frank with me. That's been my one of my strategies for handling Frank: Have a male chaperone whenever possible.

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We had a "Town Hall" meeting today at work. The whole staff congregated in the largest area of the office and ate pizza while Mark addressed the group. You could tell from the intermittent laughing and joking that the office has a really good vibe. Everyone seemed to be at ease. I felt happy to be there.

 

In addition to general information about the state of the business, Mark talked about problem areas, like attendance, communication, and quality control. I can't remember exactly how it came about, but at one point he talked about the need to occasionally terminate people who prove to be incompetent, and whose incompetence hurts the other staff.

 

He specifically used the word "incompetent," and the phrase "hurt the other staff." Of course I thought about Catherine as soon as he said the word "incompetent." I thought "hurt the other staff" was a strong statement. I agreed with it in an abstract sense. For example, a chain is only as strong as its weakest link. But it seemed to be a very pointed statement to make. And I was surprised to detect the faintest edge to Mark's voice as he made this statement.

 

However, the more I've thought about it, the more I realize (duh) that Catherine absolutely was hurting me with her incompetence. I knew it, too. In fact, when I wrote to Mark back in September, one of my major fears was that my reputation was permanently damaged within the firm. It was my first project with them, after all.

 

It's funny how things that you think to yourself sometimes sound different when they're said back to you.

 

After Catherine left, her last project was handed over to Ivan's team. I overheard Rob, the manager of the structural engineering department, say that Mike (one of the structural engineers) was finally "making strides" on the project, and that he'd spent a lot of time spinning his wheels when Catherine was managing it.

 

So, she was hurting Mike's reputation as well. I felt particularly bad about that, because Mike was newer than I was, and (like me) his first project with the firm was that awful disaster with Catherine. So, this would be two disasters he was involved with. Fortunately for Mike, Rob was his manager, not Frank or Catherine! So, Mike had a real advocate against the excess bad press that could have arisen.

 

Actually, as I think of it even more, I realize that Mark probably was referring to Catherine. They did fire another person, Harry, back in August (that was a big motivator for me to write the letter to Mark--I thought my head could be the next to roll). However, when I had my post-letter meeting with Mark, he said they fired Harry because he was lazy. Talented, but lazy. Not incompetent.

 

Actually, as I think of it even more, they also fired a woman in December. She was a new hire, but she didn't know how to use AutoCAD and wasn't picking up on it fast enough. I think she lasted two weeks. But I don't think she hurt any other staff with her incompetence. She wasn't a decision-maker, just a draftsperson.

 

I'm interested to know whether they fired anyone else in 2018, before I got there.... I'll have to ask.

 

When I think about Catherine, I still get SO OUTRAGED.

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Since my blow up last Thursday, working with Frank has improved quite a lot. (I'm almost afraid to say that, because every time I have hope for him, he turns into an assh*le.)

 

A whole week has passed, and while the project is by no means out of the woods, things are improving.

 

I see that I am not the only person who is annoyed by Frank. He seems to have a very binary modus operandi. Things are either perfect or in crisis. He is either ass-kissy or nasty when dealing with people.

 

I have been moved over to the ass-kissy side of things--at least for now. But I still see his nastiness come out with other people.

 

For example, today I told Frank that Joe couldn't produce a footing schedule by the end of the day. At 3PM yesterday, Frank told me this was a must-have for our permit drawings. It really didn't leave much time for anything to be accomplished, plus this demand was totally unrealistic. They can't produce a real footing schedule until the structure is completely designed, and the structure is nowhere near complete!

 

I delivered the bad news to Frank this morning. He gave me some spiel about how "these engineers just don't do what they say they're gonna do." But everyone, including Frank, knew the structure wasn't going to be complete.

 

I went to the engineering department a couple minutes later and saw Frank hovering over Joe's desk. I imagined him pressuring Joe in his quiet voice, similar to the way that he pressured me. I felt bad for Joe.

 

Something else that I found interesting: The client called yesterday, during my meeting with Frank. He asked for us to convert a roof hatch to a stair tower and have the redesign ready by Friday. Frank told the client it would be done--even though no one has time to complete the project as it is. He also promised to accompany the client to a code meeting on Tuesday (or send me (although he usually changes his mind about giving me responsibility)).

 

Who has the budget for this? Or the TIME?

 

This is what I mean. Everything is perfect and rosy in his world until the sh*t hits the fan. And he's the idiot who's throwing the sh*t around in a room full of fans. Is sh*t invisible to him, or just the fan?

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