How do you feel when you ex sleep with someone else

[sosolost]

I came to this forum to try and find someone in a similar situation as me, and see what people thing about this situation, and there are many similar stories, but still I think everyone has its own twist.

 

I’m here looking for help, because I’m hurting so much and I have no one who would understand me, because no one ever understood my relationship anyway and I know my friends will say things to comfort me, and I want to hear the truth.

 

I met a guy 6 years ago. It took me one day to be in love with him. He was eccentric, talented, funny, weird in a way, and man he is genuine, the guy is what he is take it or leave in any situation, there’s nothing similar to him in this world and I simple loved that. And I was super attracted to him, to this day, I look at him and think he's the same most handsome man in the world. We were close friends for 3 years, in this time we been together several times, but no commitment. For the past 3 years we dated for real. But all his attractive eccentricity came with a price, we wouldn't sleep next to each other, not even under the same house, he had a very bad temper and would say really but I mean really hurtful things when we argued, and he couldn't receive or give affection. It was hard for me, because I’m super affectionate, I grew up with a lot of physical, verbal and emotional affection, and not having that was really hard for me to understand his love. He was going through something very serious and I tried to be there for him and I really tried to be understanding even though I know i failed sometimes. Anyway, this is is just a bit of background about us. Last year, I had some problems and I had to go back to my country and I didn't know if I could come back, I asked him so much to let me stay the night with him, I needed to leave with that in mind, he wanted me to have faith on us, but I thought it was so hard to have faith when you don’t feel loved, so i asked him to please let me stay the night before I left to my country. He didn’t let me stay, so I left knowing that he couldn't make that effort to make me feel strong in our relationship. A month later, I managed to come back, but my heart was hurt, and I had a full month to think about it. I’m 30 years old, I spent the last 6 years in love with this person, and I really wanted to be in a relationship where I felt I could have a future with, with someone I would feel I could grow old with, that I could have a family with. I didn’t want to waste my time with what seemed the wrong person anymore even though I still loved him so much. We met and he started to talk and I mumbled “its all about you”. He was fuming, I didn't know what was happening (today I learned he wanted to share the best news with me). The fight was so ugly, so ugly… And that added to the fact that I felt that was not the relationship for me. We talked a little after his anger passed, but I was too hurt, by the offences, by the month I had to think about things, and we simply stopped talking with no closure. I was determined to move on, I went in denial, I didn't cry, I didn't think of him, I blocked every single thought from my head. This was first week of November. In January, I met someone, he was kind, respectful, affectionate, and we start to hang out together, in march I slept with this guy. I made sure to be clear I was going through a period in my life that was about me, I was getting my life together in terms of work, and I went in denial about him too, I could never face the fact to acknowledge or admit to me, him or anyone else that I was dating him. I didn't want to feel I was dating someone, we had something light, no arguing, no disrespect, because even after I slept with him, we met several times where nothing happened and we just spent time together. I didn't love him, I liked him, but I couldn't fall in love with him and he knew I had recently broken up with someone I loved.

 

At a point, I start to think of my ex, I wondered if he was ok from his problems, I had this awful feeling that he was not ok, and it hurt me so bad, but my pride and the fear that he would tell me off again, didn't allow me to contact him but I was thinking of a way to know about how he was doing. That week I dreamt of him messaging me and next day my ex messages me to return somethings he had. I was there the same night, I needed to know how he was, and we didn't speak about anything of our private lives or our past as a couple. For the following week we kept in touch, and I was trying to understand why this was happening, how would I deal with that, what did it meant, how would it be when he asks about my private life. But all these thoughts together and I didn't know I just tried to avoid it and see how things would go. A few days later I go to his place and he asked me how was my love life, and I was honest that I had been with someone. He was fuming, he was hurting and he told me he had not been with anyone and that he felt betrayed. That I broke the trust. To be honest, I didn't think that it would hurt him that much, after all it has been six months we were apart, I slept with the guy in march, 4 months after we broke up. But then I realised that he was really hurt, and that I had ed up any chance to fixing it. Then my denial slapped in the face, gosh, I really still love him… He was angry and vented his anger and I took it in, I knew him after all, he was not like many people, but again, in my mind, we would not speak ever again, I wanted to start my life over, I wanted to be apart because of our issues. So when I did sleep with the guy, I didn't have any intensions of getting back and I was thinking that it was over between us. It was only when I realised that I ed up that I had not let go, I was in denial. I focused on all the bad stuff about us to be able to move on, to be able to let go, but I had not let go. I still love him, he's the person I want to grow old with. And I ed it up so bad, beyond repair. And I feel so ty about it. I feel so bad, I feel horrible and disgusted of myself and I fell so sick in the head. Has anyone been there? What do you think about it? Is there anything I could do to repair it?

[MissCanuck]

I have never once shared anything with an ex about whom I have or haven't slept with after a break-up. In fact, I have never discussed my subsequent love life with an ex, period.

 

You were broken up. Thus, you were free to have sex with anyone you chose. Too bad if your ex doesn't like it. I'm sorry but your relationship sounds toxic and he sounds like a jerk. He's got you feeling bad because you moved on after your relationship ended? Eff that noise. OP, this is arse-backwards. Stop letting this guy control you and tear you down. If this is the man you want to grow old with, you very much need to re-examine your judgment. I mean that sincerely.

 

There are boundaries that are necessary after you break up. This is why.

 

Go find a real man.

[sosolost]

Thank you for your answer. You know, he called a female friend of his to tell the story before telling me that I should not have any hope ever again. The female friend said: "poor thing" refering to me, she said I was an idiot for having said the truth, in these situations you lie, and that she wouldnt have done the same because she was not an easy girl. I didn't want to lie... I only had one previous relationship before him, which was very easy going, I didnt know that you shouldnt talk about these things, or like the other woman said, that I should have lied... And he told me himself that I should have lied... But I never lied to him, I have always been so honest with him. I thought I was doing the right thing given the situation. Specially because on the first year of dating, we broke up for 4 months and he told me that he had been intimate with a girl and I was ok with that, because in my head that is normal and I have nothing to do with what he does or doesnt do while I'm not there. He is very conservative, and he has a lot of integrity and values. What hurts him is that he thinks it is not real love I have for him if I could move on so quickly, he sees that as betrayal of my love for him. And he said all he can picture now is me with the other guy. He's not a bad guy, hes not a jerk... But I do think that we don't share the same values... I guess I'm too open minded and hes more conservative... And I think that having the same values is too important for a relationship to work. I'm not an easy girl either... It took me months to sleep with the other guy, and I did because even though I didnt love him, I liked him, I appreciated how nicely he treated me, and because I wanted to move on, a rebound I think, and I dont even know if it this is bad, to have a rebound... I guess I'm lost in my own values.

[greta96]

This guy has serious issues, and trust me, specimens like him are a dime a dozen, he is not as unique as you seem to think (unfortunately).

You didn't lose anything, in fact you'd better hope he moves on and forgets about you.

You did nothing wrong by sleeping with someone else, you were broken up as a result of him being an a**hole. You had every right to date other people, you owed him nothing.

Do yourself a big favor and forget about this narcissistic, neurotic "man", and go find yourself a healthy, normal guy who can give you the relationship you want. This person will never be able to give you anything but heartache. What you're feeling towards him is not love, it is codependency exacerbated by the fact that he is a very toxic person, and those kind of people are the most addictive to those who are already prone to being codependent.

[sosolost]

Thanks for your opinion on this greta96.

 

To be fair, it is not the first, nor the second time I have been told that what I feel for him is not love and indeed psychological issue. It is hard to hear that, if you can't trust your judment about how you feel about someone, if you can't trust that you believe you love someone when in fact is a psychological issue, that kind makes me feel I can't trust myself with anything and that's why I keep making mistakes in life. But in fact, hearing that again, makes me think that we are indeed both better of without each other. He's better of without me too because if it's not love what I feel for him than whats the purpose... It's hurting so much to know its over and that he sees me as such a low valueless person... It is hurting to know that the door is closed for ever. But I have been there before so many times within the past 6 years... I will make it again, but this time, I will look for professional help because I don't ever want to feel this way again. I want to close the door for ever too, I want to feel that I don't want this relationship ever again.

Maybe I myself am a toxic person too, he told me that I did this for revange because I hold anger towards him... And the fact that I told him the truth, knowing how he is, maybe unconsciously I wanted to feed that toxicity we had...

[greta96]

No, he is not seeing you as a low valueless person, I can promise you that... he is simply unable to appreciate something good, because he is too far gone into his own head, in his narcissism. And by the same token, you are not toxic, he told you what he told you because he is not well in the head, in an attempt to put the blame on you, because that's what people like him do. They try to turn the tables against you, so they can keep having the upper hand and you crawling back for their attention. It's a domination thing. Don't even think twice about what he told you, it's just not true! You did what any normal human being would do after being dumped - you tried to move on, and rightfully so. Just because he tried twisting it to suit him doesn't make it wrong.

I would encourage you to go ahead and maybe seek that professional help you talked about, to help you address your codependency and help you work on your self esteem, because frankly this guy should have been cut off a very long time ago, when you first noticed he was unbalanced. You need to look into why you dismissed those red flags and stayed, so as to avoid making the same mistake in the future.

[sosolost]

Thank you so much for your advice greta96, I have started the process of finding professional help. I do feel I would benefit from it.

It's strange how I came here ready to receive comments regards how I could sleep with someone else soon after breakup, or for being intimate with someone I didnt really love... That's why I didnt even talk to any of my friends because they have witnessed the whole story and I knew they would take my side, to hear these things from someone whos impartial is really helping me to find some peace. Thank you!

[MissCanuck]

OP, I have to disagree when you say he is not a jerk.

 

A good man doesn't treat you the way this joker does, but I fear you don't see that because you have very little to compare him to. There are so many very concerning red flags about this guy.

 

Please, get rid of him. This isn't love.

[Wiseman2]

Sometimes it's as simple as people eating junk food because they get something out of the taste knowing it's not good for them. Some people like the special sauce of junk people they date knowing just as well it's no good.

 

There is no DSM diagnosis for bad taste and bad choices. What you are describing is not something like the Stockholm syndrome situation abusive relationships create.

I have been told that what I feel for him is not love and indeed psychological issue.