Lou87 Posted May 18, 2017 Share Posted May 18, 2017 Ok so me and my boyfriend have been together since October 2016, he is 31 and I am 29. He had been in a 13 year relationship that ended in February 2016, it wasn't a nasty breakup, they didn't fall out, no one cheated, they just decided to go their separate ways. When I first got with my partner he was still in contact with his ex .... ALOT. They had a house together, but no other commitments etc. I tried my hardest to not be bothered by their calls and texts but my curiosity got the better of me and I went on his phone, back in Nov/Dec time this was. I saw that they still said 'love you' to one another, and sent each other meaningful songs etc, I was mad at myself for snooping but decided to confront him anyway. He apologised and said he loves her as a friend and nothing more, that they had been together an extremely long time and that I should understand that. I explained how uncomfortable it made me and he said he would cut contact down, but over the next few months he was still in contact with her all of the time. In January of this year he suggested we should live together as he knew he wanted to spend his life with me, some may think this was too soon but love has never come so easy to me before and I thought why not, so he moved in with me in March of this year. But the calls and texts to his ex continued and then he started to delete things, I told him the only way I would feel comfortable and trusting of him is if contact was cut altogether, I didn't understand why they felt the need to speak all of the time but only ever when he wasn't with me. He swore to me contact had been cut and I believed him, until last week that is when I went on his phone and saw a missed call from her and then I did the worst thing of all ..... I saw his password for his phone bill saved in his notes and gained access, I feel guilty, but my gut was right, he still calls her all of the time and deletes his calls to her, I'm really really gutted. I don't want to admit to him I have seen his bill but what do I say? Or do I not say anything at all? I don't want to lose him as I do think we have something that has potential to be amazing and I genuinely don't think he would ever cheat on me, but it's just the betrayal of him still being in contact with her. I am a firm believer of if you want to move forward with your future you should leave your past behind, especially if you have no ties! He has always said to me him and his ex are only friends, she doesn't live near us so i know he doesn't meet up with her or anything. Any advice on what to do would be great as I am in a huge pickle. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted May 18, 2017 Share Posted May 18, 2017 You need to decide once and for all for yourself whether you are OK being with someone who is still close friends with his ex or not. If not, then you need to leave him. Trying to dictate to an adult who they can and cannot talk to and who they can and cannot be friends with never works. Inevitably you've turned this into a me v her war where he needs to choose. The way it looks from his perspective is that you are being insecure and demanding that he validate your insecurities. Instead of validating he kind of pacified you like a child and continues to do what he pleases. Would have been better if he had more of a spine and simply told you "absolutely not dropping my friendship. Either get over it or get out." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted May 18, 2017 Share Posted May 18, 2017 deleted . . . . . . . . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted May 18, 2017 Share Posted May 18, 2017 Hmm…I'm tempted to tell you "Don't say anything and change the locks." Why? Because you feel betrayed and he is being dishonest. In a sense, he is locking YOU out. Perhaps these are red flags, or yellow flags: " ...that they had been together an extremely long time and that I should understand that." " he suggested we should live together...so he moved in with me in March of this year." (March = month #5; only 3 months after you brought the over-contact and the "love" expressions with his ex.) I don't like "shoulds' from one partner to the other. He suggested he would like to live together, and then moved in with you. How convenient and easy for him. No need to prove his trustworthiness. And this: " I don't want to lose him as I do think we have something that has potential to be amazing" It also has the potential for heartache, resentment, frustration, and disrespecting yourself. You said " my gut was right". So here you are, not willing to trust yourself (who you found out was right) and are considering instead to trust him (who you found out was dishonest and sneaky and disrespecting you). You have boundaries, which are fine to have. You didn't keep those boundaries secret, you were open about them with him. He doesn't respect them. But do you? Exes might be able to be friends, but not if they are disrespecting current partners. (That's my 2 cents, for what it's worth.) Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thealchemist Posted May 18, 2017 Share Posted May 18, 2017 Being someone who is currently in a 13 year relationship gives me some idea of the potential connection. All I can say is that if you have been in a relationship that long you need some serious downtime from dating for a long while. I would caution you with even attempting a relationship with him. You are most likely a rebound because his tie is so strong to his ex it might take a string of relationships to get over that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainyCoast Posted May 18, 2017 Share Posted May 18, 2017 it is not a mere friendship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted May 18, 2017 Share Posted May 18, 2017 I genuinely don't think he would ever cheat on me What, I wonder, do you think cheating is? At its most basic level, it's a betrayal or trust. Breaking the rules that you've agreed to. He's done that. He continues to do it. Don't make the mistake of thinking that cheating only applies to physical contact. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted May 18, 2017 Share Posted May 18, 2017 I'm not sure how you could ever trust him after having contact with his ex, while living under your roof? That's stooping to a low level of sleaziness, (imo). In any event I'm sorry you're in this situation, but the writing is on the wall. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melancholy123 Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 He's a liar and a sneak, how is this alright with you? I'd be telling him he has to leave. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starlight925 Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 He's lying to you. And disrespecting your feelings. If he doesn't have any actual ties to his ex (kids, business), then he should want to move on from her so that your relationship can have the time and space to grow. By him saying that he's stopping the contact, but secretly contacting and deleting, it's just showing you that he has no actual desire to stop engaging with her. He might feel bad for her that she's alone now and he isn't. He might secretly desire keeping that string alive. He might just be a lowdown cheat. We don't know. What we do know, is that he's not being honest with you, and that's terrible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shellyf62 Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 Him telling her he loves her would have been enough for me. I would have left instantly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alsananick Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 You are his bounce. Sad but true. YOU cut contact now! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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