Boyfriend comfortable and doesn't want marriage

[Yellow2]

My boyfriend, 31, and I, 25, will make together 3 years in August. We have lived together for the past 10 months. We are very close to each other and no doubtably love each other very much. A few months ago, we went on vacation overseas to visit his parents. When we came back, I brought up the topic of marriage, and basically asked him to marry me. Not with a ring or anything, just alluded to the fact that I am ready to get married and if at any time he wanted to propose, I would say yes. His response was that I truly do not want to marry him, That I am just obsessed with marriage and weddings in general, as I like to watch wedding shows, and in a previous relationship I was engaged. This hurt alot as I felt like my feelings were completely dismissed. In further discussions, he has said that he did not mean it that way, he does in fact want to get married, but is content with the way things are for now. We are finacially stable, with a stable living arrangement, and wants to continue to enjoy it, as previously, things were a lot harder for us. He says that I should just be patient and satisfied with our relationship, and let things happen organically, and our time will come. Okay, I agree. But marriage is something I really want in life. I don't think theres anything wrong with me wanting more from our relationship. And If all our ducks are in a row, whats the hold up to move to the next step? I do not know If I am willing to wait for him to decide if and when he does want to marry me. And this feeling has really dampen our relations, where I feel like i am putting a lot of pressure on him. That he will eventually propose just to keep me happy and off his back, and we'll both end up with something we didnt really want. He in a marriage, and me in a marriage with someone who i basically had to force. While I know that in the back of my mind marriage is something that I really want, if he won't marry me, i know someone else out there will. Why continue to waste my time and energy for someone who obviously isnt willing to go the extra mile for me? Is it worth waiting to see if he changes his mind/actions, or should I prepare myself to begin to move on?

[MissCanuck]

My boyfriend, 31, and I, 25, will make together 3 years in August. We have lived together for the past 10 months. We are very close to each other and no doubtably love each other very much. A few months ago, we went on vacation overseas to visit his parents. When we came back, I brought up the topic of marriage, and basically asked him to marry me. Not with a ring or anything, just alluded to the fact that I am ready to get married and if at any time he wanted to propose, I would say yes. His response was that I truly do not want to marry him, That I am just obsessed with marriage and weddings in general, as I like to watch wedding shows, and in a previous relationship I was engaged. This hurt alot as I felt like my feelings were completely dismissed. In further discussions, he has said that he did not mean it that way, he does in fact want to get married, but is content with the way things are for now. We are finacially stable, with a stable living arrangement, and wants to continue to enjoy it, as previously, things were a lot harder for us. He says that I should just be patient and satisfied with our relationship, and let things happen organically, and our time will come. Okay, I agree. But marriage is something I really want in life. I don't think theres anything wrong with me wanting more from our relationship. And If all our ducks are in a row, whats the hold up to move to the next step? I do not know If I am willing to wait for him to decide if and when he does want to marry me. And this feeling has really dampen our relations, where I feel like i am putting a lot of pressure on him. That he will eventually propose just to keep me happy and off his back, and we'll both end up with something we didnt really want. He in a marriage, and me in a marriage with someone who i basically had to force. While I know that in the back of my mind marriage is something that I really want, if he won't marry me, i know someone else out there will. Why continue to waste my time and energy for someone who obviously isnt willing to go the extra mile for me? Is it worth waiting to see if he changes his mind/actions, or should I prepare myself to begin to move on?

 

This stood out to me, and would concern me if I were you.

 

In my opinion, this line of thinking suggests he's got a negative view of marriage and that he believes you two won't enjoy a happy life if you marry. I can understand being happy with the stability in your relationship now, but it sounds as though he thinks getting married will change all of that - for the worse. Have you two not discussed the possibility of marriage before?

[JA0371]

Personally I think this is why living together first kills the marriage thing for men. I know there is some value in living together, but it's not uncommon for guys to dismiss marriage after living together. They see no reason to 'rock the boat'.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to get married..but if your bf is scoffing at the idea, then I think that's your answer. You've been together three years.. He knows you. He also assumes you're probably not going anywhere.

Especially after your pretend wedding proposal.

JMO

[Clio]

He says that I should just be patient and satisfied with our relationship, and let things happen organically, and our time will come.

 

This is a tricky one as he didn't give you a specific timeline. What is his time plan? A relationship needs common shared goals. Dismissing your aspirations with vagueness is not constructive nor having to twist his arm. At the end of the day, it comes down to whether you are willing to wait and whether you trust him enough to give him the benefit of the doubt. Set an internal deadline and if when that time is up the relationship still hasn't progressed "organically", then it's time to cut your losses and move on. Your aspirations are as important as his. If you are not able to meet each other half way, then the relationship is not the right fit for either of you.

 

P.S. Three years at his age is plenty of time to know whether he can see himself getting married to you. In that aspect, his vagueness unfortunately is not a good sign imo.

[Keyman]

I feel that if you are fully intent on getting married, then it's time to start thinking about moving on. If he is happy where he is and is in no hurry, then, as you say, there is no point forcing him. There is obviously an incompatibility here and it will grate on through this relationship should one of you eventually give in to the other's desires.

[Yellow2]

The idea of marriage just became real recently. He has previously said things to the effect of me being the one, that he sees a future with me. But he himself has never brought up the topic of marriage. His parents had a rocky relationship, and he believes that their "marriage" forced them to stay together, even when they hated each other. But he also says things like even if we get married, I would still never be satisfied. I would always want more from him, which in my opinion I feel is expected, as I have every intention of giving more of myself to him as well. I'm just really questioning his level of committment. If he really does want a future, why isn't he trying to move towards it? Why is he set on being complacent?

[Clio]

The idea of marriage just became real recently. He has previously said things to the effect of me being the one, that he sees a future with me. But he himself has never brought up the topic of marriage. His parents had a rocky relationship, and he believes that their "marriage" forced them to stay together, even when they hated each other. But he also says things like even if we get married, I would still never be satisfied. I would always want more from him, which in my opinion I feel is expected, as I have every intention of giving more of myself to him as well. I'm just really questioning his level of committment. If he really does want a future, why isn't he trying to move towards it? Why is he set on being complacent?

 

It sounds like he views marriage as something negative to be avoided for as long as possible. Sorry to say that dismissing your aspirations and viewing you as someone who will "never be satisfied"/a chore indicate a bleak future... It sounds like this guy doesn't trust women (or even worse, he doesn't trust you). It sounds like he has unresolved issues from childhood coloring his perceptions to the point that he is taking you and your relationship for granted and viewing you as a nag.

[MissCanuck]

The idea of marriage just became real recently. He has previously said things to the effect of me being the one, that he sees a future with me. But he himself has never brought up the topic of marriage. His parents had a rocky relationship, and he believes that their "marriage" forced them to stay together, even when they hated each other. But he also says things like even if we get married, I would still never be satisfied. I would always want more from him, which in my opinion I feel is expected, as I have every intention of giving more of myself to him as well. I'm just really questioning his level of committment. If he really does want a future, why isn't he trying to move towards it? Why is he set on being complacent?

 

To me, this is your answer.

 

I wouldn't be expecting marriage from him. You two view marriage in completely different ways and he's not at all keen to make the step.

[LaHermes]

I think Clio nailed it. The guy has trust issues, childhood issues and is fearful of the married state, in the light of his parents' situations.

 

OP. You asked in your original post if you should prepare yourself to move on. Yes, I think so.

[Seraphim]

He really views marriage in a negative light. And you as well when he says you won't be satisfied . And when he backpedals and said well I didn't really mean it THAT way . Yes ,he does mean it THAT way . He wants to keep you with him as long as possible to keep the status quo but never marry you . So now it's your decision .

[glitterfingers]

He doesn't want it as much as you do. It doesn't matter what his past experiences are because you can't change his mind. He is right in a sense, it's paradoxical because the fact that you want it more than he does makes you two incompatible. There will be women out there who are as hesitant as he is, and there will be men out there who are as ready as you are. If you don't want to wait for him, that is your decision, but I would be cautious to just assume that he is 'broken' and won't come around to the idea of his own volition. Before you leave, be sure that you are willing to give up what you have now because marriage is important enough that you need him to be on the same page as you right now or else. Sometimes we simply want to know that this person is serious about committing to us eventually and probably don't need marriage as soon as we think we do. Personally I'd give it a year or two more before walking - not like kids are coming into the picture straight away anyway, right?

[LaHermes]

Yellow:

 

I am glad you have the insight to see this:

 

"That he will eventually propose just to keep me happy and off his back, and we'll both end up with something we didnt really want."

[Yellow2]

No kids together, no. I have a child from a previous relationship (the one in which I was engaged:see orginal post). We've spoken about having children, where it seemed like he was set on about trying for a child, as was I. But when i put our words into action, and gotten off of birth control, he quickly admitted that he wasnt ready for a child. So he is always going back and forth on his word. That or he just agreed to wanting a child, because he seen I wanted one and just wanted to please me.

[DancingFool]

I think you asked him a serious question and he gave you an answer that you don't want to hear. All the back peddling on that answer is him simply trying to keep you around a little bit longer and avoid rocking HIS boat. He has an issue with marriage, he knows what your life goals are, you've been together 3 years, more than long enough to know each other well. He knows there will be no marriage and he is lying to you about other things like more children in the same vein. Telling you temporarily what you want to hear so he can remain comfortable with status quo that much longer.

 

If you want marriage, a family, another child, I'd say that you are spot on to quit wasting your time on this guy. You two do not actually see eye to eye on the big important things in life. There are women out there who don't want marriage or children and he needs to be with one of them. Plenty of guys out there want marriage and children and you need to be with one of them. Ye olde right lid for right pot....

[glitterfingers]

No kids together, no. I have a child from a previous relationship (the one in which I was engaged:see orginal post). We've spoken about having children, where it seemed like he was set on about trying for a child, as was I. But when i put our words into action, and gotten off of birth control, he quickly admitted that he wasnt ready for a child. So he is always going back and forth on his word. That or he just agreed to wanting a child, because he seen I wanted one and just wanted to please me.

 

I really don't think you need to rush. You're 25 and you have a lot of time for this sort of thing. It is a fact that many men want to enjoy a few more years of youth before they settle down and it doesn't mean that they can't or won't, it also doesn't mean that they don't value you. If you have a good relationship and you are mostly happy, I would give him some time to come around to the idea since he knows you are serious now. It doesn't sound to me like the relationship is worth leaving immediately, and this is the sort of thing where you want to be sure about your own feelings and whether leaving him is worth the years that you will need to invest in dating and finding someone new. If this is the only thing that's really causing you to question his suitability as a life partner, cut him a little slack, because waiting is probably better than the alternatives. Obviously, don't wait so long that you become bitter towards him. But patience is most certainly a virtue with the people that we love.

 

Personally, I'd rather a partner who told me they want to wait a couple of years rather than someone who agreed straight away and regretted it later.

[j.man]

To go against the grain a bit, I don't think it's particularly damning. I do think he might have been a bit too honest / candid for his own good, though. It took me over three years to pop the question and that was with a decent amount of prodding. That was without a kid to consider officially step-parenting. Not necessarily what he may be thinking, but some thoughts that ran through my own head:

 

- Wedding shows. Might seem nit picky, but it'd be worth noting for me. Granted, my partner isn't above binging on that one dress show on TLC or whatever with her mom and sisters whenever she visits home, but we're talking a single show and more for purposes of mocking / staring at a train wreck than anything inspirational. I've never met a woman who sighs to wedding shows. Is there anything else wedding-related he might notice you entertaining yourself with? Catalogs / magazines? Looking through dresses online? That kind of thing?

- You're 25. Even though you've likely matured fast in a lot of ways simply by virtue of being a mother, I consider it rational to see how you settle into your mid-20s.

- Living together 10 months. Opinions of this are as varied as they are justified in being so, so no one crucify me. Personally-- and it's not an uncommon view-- marriage would ideally be a formalization, not really a leap of any sort, at least as far as the non-intrinsic legal ramifications are concerned. As others have stated, it could very well be a difference in view on marriage rather than any outright opposition to it on his end. Personally, there's no way I'd get engaged to someone only having lived with them for less than a year.

- Specifics on financial stability? I ask simply so that I don't have to assume. Things may be financially stable, but what kind of split are we looking at? Are you both working? Is there a substantial income disparity? Is this a place you've bought / rented together or does he own a home you moved into, resulting in him having a pretty substantial asset disparity to consider going into marriage, should things go awry?

- Kid. Mentioned your child already, but I know I'm not sure I wouldn't have taken much longer myself to formally tie the knot and officially become step-dad than I would if there were simply the woman to consider.

- This the first time bringing it up? Have you ever discussed, in a general sense, whether he ever wants to get married? Is this the first time you've brought it up in relation to marrying you specifically?

 

Your entire post is centered around this one exchange, so if things have been happy and have progressed healthily otherwise over these past nearly 3 years, I hesitate to simplify this as a dead-end. And, again, these are just thoughts and in no way suggesting you're wrong for wanting to take the next step after three years. That's a pretty universally acceptable amount of time, even in my own view, to feel inclined toward exchanging vows. And, as a mother, you've obviously got your child's best interests to consider, with a stable marriage and home surely among those considerations. I think you're well within your rights to start reflecting and questioning whether this is something you want to continue to hold out on. Even if I do think there's plenty of valid reason he could be holding off for, you do deserve to know whether marriage would potentially never be on the cards for him.

 

Ultimately, do what you feel is best for you and your child. Good luck with everything.

[LaHermes]

I would 100% promote the idea of living together before getting married. Old saying: "if you want to know me come live with me". Too true. We lived together for about a year and a half before getting married.

And, a nod to JMan here, heh heh. We were in the living room putting up a shelf or something, and he merely remarked: " I think we ought to get married" LOL. That was it. We got the ring later on when we announced our engagement. I don't remember hurtling myself into his arms or doing cartwheels,

 

As for wedding shows, exhibitions, mags, I'd rather break rocks out in the hot sun that go to one of those!.

[Yellow2]

Lol. Weddings shows. I have an interest in fashion, and like to watch the shows to critique peoples' choice of fashion. Its definately not something I watch often. But if I'm bored, and nothing else is on TV, I'll watch. I like looking at clothing online in general too. But i can admit that i've shown him wedding dresses that I would like to one day wear.

Finacials: We both make about the same in terms of income. And split basic expenses, rent, ultilities, food, etc. about evenly. It's an apartment that is leased under my name, that he moved into.

My child: this is the area where i've been the most cautious. Unless out of necessity (childcare issues) he is rarely with my child alone. We also particpate in very limited family oriented activites together. It has been with the hope that they grow to love each other naturally, and take their own time, rather than I dump my child on him. he has more recently offered to do more "step-fatherly" things. So I think my plan is working.

 

Overall, I do agree that this isn't anything I should break up with him about. i have made my marriage expectations more than obvious to him, and will give him a bit more time to work things out mentally on his end. I've also explained to him that I won't wait forever for him. Hopefully, by this time next year, I'll have my ring.

 

Thank you all for your help!!

[reinventmyself]

We are finacially stable, with a stable living arrangement, and wants to continue to enjoy it, as previously, things were a lot harder for us. He says that I should just be patient and satisfied with our relationship, and let things happen organically, and our time will come

 

I've read his response a couple times and though it isn't pro marriage, I don't see where it's out of the question.

So now at three years you need to get clarification about his stance on this altogether.

 

I don't like the fact that he made derogatory comments `you'll never be satisfied and watching too many wedding shows' in a way to embarrass you

from bringing it back up again. You are entitled to have your dream and it may very well not match his.

 

Create a safe environment for him to share how he feels about, because he seems to get defensive when it's brought up.

You aren't looking for a proposal but you do need to know if he sees marriage in his future - at all. Yes or no.

[j.man]

Overall, I do agree that this isn't anything I should break up with him about. i have made my marriage expectations more than obvious to him, and will give him a bit more time to work things out mentally on his end. I've also explained to him that I won't wait forever for him. Hopefully, by this time next year, I'll have my ring.

Well, do you know his opinions about marriage? I'm all for giving the guy more time if it's something he eventually wants to do, but the last thing I'd ever advise is to just hang in there another year without having any idea of what his aspirations are with regard to ever marrying.

[Yellow2]

in our conversations he always says he wants to get married and sees a future with me. But i'm not sure if thats him trying to shut me up, or if thats how he really feels. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt.

[abitbroken]

Let's dial things back a minute. Why did you move in together? Be honest with yourself. What were your expectations? Did you even talk about it?

[Jibralta]

His response was that I truly do not want to marry him, That I am just obsessed with marriage and weddings in general, as I like to watch wedding shows, and in a previous relationship I was engaged. This hurt alot as I felt like my feelings were completely dismissed.

 

What an obnoxious thing to say! I don't buy that he didn't mean it, especially in light of this:

 

His parents had a rocky relationship, and he believes that their "marriage" forced them to stay together, even when they hated each other. But he also says things like even if we get married, I would still never be satisfied. I would always want more from him, which in my opinion I feel is expected, as I have every intention of giving more of myself to him as well.

 

He has a pretty dismal view of relationships in general.

 

If he really does want a future, why isn't he trying to move towards it? Why is he set on being complacent?

 

Because he can be. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

 

He has a negative view of marriage, and a negative view of you. I think you have a very difficult decision before you. But I think you will be happiest if you move on.

[glitterfingers]

in our conversations he always says he wants to get married and sees a future with me. But i'm not sure if thats him trying to shut me up, or if thats how he really feels. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

I think most men will avoid saying that at all costs, unless they truly do mean it. If he has always been pretty open to the idea and is just a bit hesitant to get there right now, I think you can afford to put a little trust in him. Try to avoid giving him a concrete timeline as that could put him in the position that you mentioned in your OP (agreeing for the sake of keeping you around), but otherwise I think you have the right idea. Let things develop a little and let him settle into the idea of being a father to your child

[itsallgrand]

It really depends if absolutely having a formal marriage is more important to you than being with him. I think he's been pretty upfront about his reservations about marrying you. He doesn't want it ( and no one can say what he may or may not want or do in the future, things change, and sometimes people change their minds about things as well).

Talking about 'one day' is nice pillow talk but doesn't mean too much when the actions aren't there to show its more than sweet dreaming.

 

'Hopefully I'll have my ring' - I can definitely see where he might see what you describe as a hyper focus on marriage, and not about a life itch Him. A life with him includes being ok with maybe marriage won't happen - just my take.