advice to get over really bad crush (I'm married)

[abitconfused1607310579]

Hi

 

I'm married with kids to a lovely man who I met when I was 17 and have been with ever since (I'm currently late 30s).

 

Last 2-3 months I have been experiencing an intense crush on a man I see every day (school run, he is stay-at-home dad). He also married with kids.

 

Nothing inappropriate has/will happen, just maybe some eye contact and a few pleasantaries, conversations about the kids etc. I guess I smile at him in a nice way but try not to flirt etc too much but I am naturally quite friendly. I also guess I try to dress/look nice if I think I might see him....

 

But inside I am dying with lust/attraction to this man! Think crush/infatuation, mainly a reaction to his physical appearance and I guess he seems like a great dad too. Anyway, today he happens to tell me his wife is pregnant. Now, of course I feel like an awful/terrible person for even having a crush on this man. I need it to stop completely but I am not sure how. I was quite enjoying my little fantasy but now feel just dreadful.

 

What is the best way to get over a crush (have to see him everyday so cannot really avoid completely)?

 

Thanks

ABC

[MissCanuck]

I suppose the first question is - how is your marriage going? Maybe there's something that needs to be addressed between you and your husband to inject some energy or allure back into the relationship.

 

It's not unusual to have a passing attraction to another person. But I would use this as an opportunity to take the temperature of your marriage and redirect your energy there.

[Lester]

"What is the best way to get over a crush (have to see him everyday so cannot really avoid completely)?"

- When you see him, superimpose the face of your husband over his, as he stands across from you in a courtroom.

 

Need extra help?

Think about how it's going to feel when you hear the Judge award full custody to him.

 

Sorry, but your story is happening millions wives just like you today.

It always starts out with, "Nothing inappropriate has/will happen,"

 

But then it does.

 

Helpful hint:

Don't think for one second this man doesn't know what he's doing.

[Capricorn3]

Last 2-3 months I have been experiencing an intense crush on a man I see every day He also married with kids.

 

Nothing inappropriate has/will happen, I guess I smile at him in a nice way ... I also guess I try to dress/look nice if I think I might see him....

 

But inside I am dying with lust/attraction to this man! I was quite enjoying my little fantasy

Maybe it's just me, but this has the making of inappropriate disaster written all over it.

 

What is the best way to get over a crush

 

STOP all of the above. Stop with the "friendly" smile. You KNOW it's a flirty come-on (admit it). STOP dressing up just for him. This, in and of itself, shows you are way too invested and heading for trouble. You're close to crossing the line, which we all know you will deny, but the writing is on the wall here.

 

All that is needed is a polite greeting and then head in the opposite direction and go and talk to some other mothers, or friends. Pretty easily done. But will you?

 

Focus on your own marriage and if something needs fixing at home, then fix it. Last but not least ......... think of the example you're setting for your children. Do you think they would be impressed with this behaviour?

[Andrina]

Emotional affairs (one sided in this case) are common when an emotional connection is missing in your marriage. There are many things you can do to spice up your marriage, and when your husband sees your efforts, he should respond in a really positive way, and possibly become creative, himself. Trade babysitting hours with another mother and have a date night. Then, you can dress to the nines for your husband and either have an evening out of the house or in the bedroom. Go to a couples stores and pick out new stuff for the bedroom. If you treat each other like platonic roommates, go back to the way you were when you first dated, with longer kisses when you are leaving for the day or coming home. Text him a sexy or romantic note now and then. Tell him what you've got in store for him on a particular evening. Read about some ideas on Cosmopolitan magazine online. Avon bath and body oil mixed with any lotion makes a great massage oil.

 

At school, treat him like any other parent, and now that you've crossed a line, even less. He knows what you're about. That's why he brought up his wife being pregnant to you. He is being faithful to his wife by reminding someone who has a crush on him that he's very much married. I'd say hi at the most to him if you can't avoid it, and move on to talk to another mother or scroll through your photos on your cell phone and don't talk to anyone. Good luck.

[used2blue]

Realize it is just a fantasy in your mind.

Realize what taking any action would do to your reality.

Focus on what you have.

If it needs to be worked on, do just that.

 

Change your thoughts to the most important people in your life and you.

Love yourself enough to find true happiness in what you have.

[Wiseman2]

It's ok to find other people attractive, happens all the time. The key is to never act on it and keep firm boundaries. He loves his wife, you love your husband. Don't mess with that.

 

Also restore the romance in your marriage. Get in shape, new clothes, hair, etc.. Be intriguing and interesting again, like when you were dating. Once the kids are in bed get out of mom mode (and clothes) and return to woman mode.

inside I am dying with lust/attraction to this man! Think crush/infatuation, mainly a reaction to his physical appearance and I guess he seems like a great dad too. Anyway, today he happens to tell me his wife is pregnant.

[abitconfused1607310579]

Thanks everyone for the great replies. I have read each story several times and they are exactly the slap in the face I was looking for!! Thank you again!

[abitconfused1607310579]

Oh my goodness this is so hard.

 

I see this man and I have a complete physical reaction. It's not a conscious reaction - it's at a deeper level.

 

I'm in trouble here!

[Unreasonable]

Are you completely happy with your own relationship? I think you should see a therapist, cause I think something's missing there.

[ThatwasThen]

Oh my goodness this is so hard.

 

I see this man and I have a complete physical reaction. It's not a conscious reaction - it's at a deeper level.

 

I'm in trouble here!

If you wear your sweats and don't put on makeup that will motivate you to head the other way when you see him. Start dressing down for him and up for your husband and direct that lusty energy towards your LIFE mate.

 

The best way to get over a crush (which is completely normal and does not automatically mean there is something missing in your marriage) is to stop throwing fuel on the fire... you know what you're doing to fuel your crushing feelings so do what you have to do to put a bucket of water on them.

[KantSleep]

Hello. Well, you did say you are married to a lovely man whom you have been with for about 20 years. In your own words - lovely. That said, best guess is you are having some kind of mid-life crisis because you don't seem to have a bad marriage. The best I can suggest is you disengage. We all have the ability to control our actions - to reel ourselves in when necessary. Think about what you have to lose. If you hit on this man who has a pregnant wife no less - word may get out and your marriage could suffer or end. Do you want your marriage to end over a crush? When I was married, my husband had a friend who was a hottie. I knew my brain could go there, if I let it. I acknowledged his good looks to myself and let it go at that. That's what you need to do - instead of building up this fantasy. Acknowledge his good looks, then go home to your family and connect with your lovely husband on a deeper level with focus on date nights, etc.

[Capricorn3]

Oh my goodness this is so hard.

 

I see this man and I have a complete physical reaction. It's not a conscious reaction - it's at a deeper level.

 

I'm in trouble here!

 

This sounds to me like someone who has zero intentions of "not going there". Can't help but feel bad for the poor husband and children.

[abitconfused1607310579]

Hi everyone thanks for your replies.

 

I have been trying to reflect as to why this is happening to me.

 

I think it is a combination of a lot of things.

 

1. Turning 40 this year.

2. Recently got fit again after having my kids. lots of running and pilates, feel like I finally look good/attractive again and feeling good about myself.

3. Was really wanting to have another baby. Got pregnant about two years ago (husband agreed to try once as he didn't really want another baby but I did) I got pregnant that one time and he basically was horrible to me/couldn't handle it and pressured me to have a termination, which I did and regret every day. Also had a miscarriage folllowing that. I still ask him a lot about having another baby. Haven't really got over it. feel like he really let me down in an important time. He not really interested in talking about it or going to counselling. Maybe because this crush guy seems like such a great dad, there is some underlying issue with this and my husband? I still mourn my lost opportunity for another baby.

4. He is very busy with work and study. Feel like he doesn't really have time for me. Although he really is a wonderful man and fantastic father and he tries his best, he prioritises work etc over me. Many night spent on his laptop in his own mind and a fair bit of travel.

5. my youngest starts school next year so it feels like a time of transition for me. I do work (I'm an attorney) but its from home at the moment. Will need to work out what to do with myself next year - get more involved in office etc I guess.

 

I guess it is like a mid-life crisis, with a fair bit of unresolved resentment towards my spouse. Do I want to hurt him because he hurt me??

 

Anyway, thanks for listening. Here is to putting my head down and ignoring said crush this afternoon!

 

Thanks again

ABC

[Unreasonable]

You definitely have unresolved issues in your marriage. This guy is a symptom of that. Finding someone attractive is normal, obsessing over them is not. See a counselor, yourself. Determine with counselor whether this is an issue you can work out yourself or if you need couples therapy. After this point, to quote someone else, free amateur online advice is not going to cut it.