Caught my girlfriend cheating. Twice.

[laser132217]

Five years into a loving loyal relationship, me girlfriend and I hit a rough patch. At 23, she started a business and has been very successful... appearances on TV, speaking at big events etc. She freely admitted that this had changed her. The sensitive vulnerable girl that I used to know had been replaced by someone consumed by their own success, obsessed with 'the business scene' and unsatisfied with her sub-urban life. I never held her back for fear of pushing her away. In our five year relationship, I can honestly say I never once said or did anything that I regret or am ashamed of. These words pain me to say now, but I'm always 'the nice guy' - trusty, dependable, reliable.

 

So we took a break for 10 days. It was awful. I felt completely powerless, I knew the girl I loved was still there but she was changing. I spent days utterly distraught, staying with my parents, waiting for a text from her. I gave her room to figure out what she wanted and after about a week apart, she said that she wanted to make a go of things. She wanted to at least try. I returned home and we had the most amazing week together...making plans, spending all day in bed, cooking together. It felt like we were dating again.

 

A week into being home, we took a trip to a different city, just me and her. We partied all night in clubs and were both very very drunk but having a wonderful time. At one point we got separated. I looked for her for about half an hour and eventually found her on the dancefloor...in the arms of another man. After confronting her, she admitted to having kissed him. 'I don't know what I was thinking', 'I must be having a quarter-life crisis', 'I was just so drunk', she said. She apologised and initially expressed regret. I was in so much pain, I couldn't understand how she could do that to mean at a time when we were getting things back together. A big part of me was still happy to have her back after our break and so I decided that if she was truly sorry we could move past it...put it down as a mistake.

 

Two weeks past and we were starting to get back to normal. I thought we could get through this and things may, just may, be alright. I hadn't told anyone about her cheating - I told myself it was just a mistake and no one needed to know. Then on Saturday, we were both on a night out with separate groups of friends. At about 1am, I broke off from my group, knowing she was at a bar nearby to go and see her. As I approached it, I saw her in the street with a business friend, kissing passionately. I confronted her again, furious, and told her it was over. The next day I moved out and am again living with my parents. We spoke before I left. I didn't say anything nasty but just expressed how incredibly hurt I was. I asked for the truth and she said that two days into our break she'd kissed the same bloke I caught her with last night, thinking that we were breaking up. Disgusting. Last night she went back to his and 'slept on his sofa'.

 

The last 48 hours have been excruciating. The hardest of my life. I've not contacted her, ignoring her attempts, but I'm devastated. I've told my closest friends who have been very supporting and my family as ever are hear for me. But I keep asking myself...how could someone who loved and cared for you for so many years, do something so terrible to you. I don't understand and perhaps never will.

 

I don't know what to expect to get from writing this but felt I needed to. Any comments are welcomed.

[Hollyj]

I think you made the right decision. You should be done. If you go back, you will never trust her, will become a total doormat, and she would never respect you.

 

People change, and sometimes not for the better. You should accept who she is, and let her go.

 

Get your stuff, settle the bills, then go NC and block.

[JustinPonders]

Bro, you are the bomb man. You are badass. You WILL get through this. You WILL find a woman who will blow this idiot out of the water. I guarantee you in the future this so called "woman" will be at your door banging to beg you to have her back in your life. You mark my words. You ditch her and ditch her QUICK. She's completely untrustworthy. She's a serial cheater. She's got NO integrity whatsoever. I'm telling you now, who ever she ends up with will either do the same to her or she'll do to them. It's that simple. You WILL find a loyal, dependable, loving, hotter, sexier, sweeter, nicer, funner woman, you mark my words brotha, you mark my words. Just experience this pain and soon enough you'll be back on your feet. It won't be an easy road, that's for sure. You'll have your breaking moments but please, for the love of God, don't EVER call this loser again. She doesn't respect you one bit bro, hate to say and you know why? Because she doesn't respect herself. She's a loser bro. Don't let the book cover fool you, inside her book is all lies so don't read into her outside persona. Good luck man because you will have some amazing times for you in the future so be ready for it. Just do me a big, huge, ginormous favor, don't EVER contact and chase this woman ever. Hold your dignity as hard as it will be and in the future you WILL have the last laugh, trust!

[laser132217]

Bro, you are the bomb man. You are badass. You WILL get through this. You WILL find a woman who will blow this idiot out of the water. I guarantee you in the future this so called "woman" will be at your door banging to beg you to have her back in your life. You mark my words. You ditch her and ditch her QUICK. She's completely untrustworthy. She's a serial cheater. She's got NO integrity whatsoever. I'm telling you now, who ever she ends up with will either do the same to her or she'll do to them. It's that simple. You WILL find a loyal, dependable, loving, hotter, sexier, sweeter, nicer, funner woman, you mark my words brotha, you mark my words. Just experience this pain and soon enough you'll be back on your feet. It won't be an easy road, that's for sure. You'll have your breaking moments but please, for the love of God, don't EVER call this loser again. She doesn't respect you one bit bro, hate to say and you know why? Because she doesn't respect herself. She's a loser bro. Don't let the book cover fool you, inside her book is all lies so don't read into her outside persona. Good luck man because you will have some amazing times for you in the future so be ready for it. Just do me a big, huge, ginormous favor, don't EVER contact and chase this woman ever. Hold your dignity as hard as it will be and in the future you WILL have the last laugh, trust!

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. Of all the kind things people have said to me over the past few days, this is the most on the money of what I needed to hear. You've put a big smile on my face. Thank you so much. I'll read this message whenever I feel low.

[Knight2001]

move on my friend, as justinponders says.

forget her, block her and go NC. you will be in a much better place without her.

good luck and keep moving forward.

[Matt3939]

I know it's hard now but stick with it. Everyone has their boundaries she knew yours and broke them. Stay true to yourself. I've been in your shoes.

[Annia]

Yes, she's not the woman you loved anymore, or maybe she was like this all the time, you'll never know. The issue is that she's a cheater and she did it twice (at least from what you know) and both of them caught by you. You have all the information you need about what type of person she is and what to expect in this relationship. You did the right thing. You need to sort things out with the apartment and all that and then delete, block and NC. You'll find someone much better than this.

[LonelyJedi]

Dang! Another 5yr relationship gone south....

 

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

Took this from a fellow forum member's signature:

"When you start rationalizing and accepting a cheater's behavior/excuses, you start playing a game of how low can you go."

 

You did well, completely remove this person from your life. Not only did she betray your trust once, but TWICE.

She deserves nothing from you... ever again. No matter what she tells you, you would never know what the truth really is.

 

You will survive and you aren't alone.

I know that sounds silly, especially coming from a random person on an Internet forum. Just know that I have also got out of a 5yr relationship and I am devastated... the past two months have been dragging on and I can't shake the feelings of depression. Take a look on this forum, there a ton of people right now who have just gotten out of many long-term relationships.

 

Stay strong.

[MissCanuck]

Wow. She has some nerve.

 

You have discovered the very hard way that she is gone and has been for a while. Not only did she cheat on you twice, she had the cojones to do it when she was on holiday with you. Then did it again with a guy she'd messed around with before on your "break." I hope you don't buy that she just slept on his sofa. There's more to that story, I guarantee it. It sounds like they've been getting cozy this whole time. What an awful way to find out.

 

I am very sorry this has happened to you, OP. You question how someone who once loved and cared for you could do this. And the answer is because she is selfish and doesn't love or care for you the way you thought. Not the way she did, anyway. She could have chosen just to end your relationship, which is what she should have done - clearly she wasn't into it anymore. But she chose a most painful exit. I've been where you are too; I discovered a long-term ex of mine was unfaithful a few years ago. It made me realize that the man he became was no the same man I had fallen in love with.

 

You deserve a lot better than some disrespectful and selfish jerk. Yes, she is a jerk. Tell her to go fly a kite and cease contact. This one is over but there is a brighter future waiting for you with a woman who is actually worthy of your love and devotion.

[No1]

To add to Canucks post.. even tho you are in pain, you should hold your head up high and be proud that you were one loving and supportive BF. When she started up the business it opened up a whole new world and her fish bowl got bigger and met new people and she wanted more. She changed and got caught up in this new world for her. And she did turn into a jerk. One day she will realize what she has become and what she had done, but by the time that happens, you will be long gone and already have moved on.

 

So stand up, dust yourself off and know you were one great BF and that another girl will meet you and thank your X for letting you go.

[j.man]

What, are you going for the threepeat or something? Sorry this happened, but you have to look at things as they are, not as they could have or should have been.

 

Time to jet.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like you've grown apart and are not compatible.

 

The most unfortunate thing is she doesn't want an exclusive relationship. She wants to drink, do club drugs and get warm and fuzzy with whoever is handy.

 

It's time to end it. Good you moved out. Cut her off completely. No contact, delete and block her from social media before the pics of her with the guys start to appear. She sounds too immature for a relationship right now..

The next day I moved out and am again living with my parents. I asked for the truth and she said that two days into our break she'd kissed the same bloke I caught her with last night, thinking that we were breaking up. Disgusting. Last night she went back to his and 'slept on his sofa'.

[Kazuya]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like you've grown apart and are not compatible.

 

The most unfortunate thing is she doesn't want an exclusive relationship. She wants to drink, do club drugs and get warm and fuzzy with whoever is handy.

 

It's time to end it. Good you moved out. Cut her off completely. No contact, delete and block her from social media before the pics of her with the guys start to appear. She sounds too immature for a relationship right now..

 

TS, basically he summed up everything.

 

People somehow just change and when that happens it usually affects the ones closest to them first.

 

Sucks that it happens, but what you did is basically for your own betterment. Move on and someone suitable will come along to rock your world....

[laser132217]

I'm really blown away by all the comments. I'm so glad I reached out for some outsider opinions with no stake in anything - I'm touched by how you have all clearly not just read but put a great deal of thought into my situation. I agree with everything you've all said.

 

Five days have passed now and some things have begun clearer, others are still incomprehensible. I knew when we took a break that she'd changed but genuinely believed that I could live with her new lifestyle and we could make it work. But she hadn't articulated how deeply she'd changed and after everything that has happened I can see that she is completely removed from who she used to be. I think she still loved me but not in the same way - I accept that. What I still can't believe is that she cared so little for me after everything that she was willing to put me through all of this. That I can't fathom. As many have said - selfishness, disrespect, etc. You're all right. If she had been cold, disengaged and miserable with me after I moved back up after our break, it may have been less have a shock but instead she acted enthusiastic, loving and at times optimistic about the future (planning holidays etc). That's what I find hard to get my head around.

 

The past five days have been very very low. I'm nearing the end of my MSc degree and am at a time when I'm applying for jobs/preparing for interviews/finishing coursework/doing dissertation - so much. I'm pleased that I've managed to apply myself to all of that despite everything that's happened and everyone has said I'm coping well. This experience has really highlighted who my real friends are as well.

 

I've blocked her on all social media and the only contact I've had thus far has been practicalities of separating. But I'm desperate to know how she's coping, if she's regretting things ending in the way they did, if 5 happy years meant anything to her. I'm desperate to ask her why if she was so unhappy she didn't feel she could just end things when she had the chance or why however unsatisfied or unfulfilled she was with out relationship, she had to act so cruelly. It all ended that morning with a 10 minute lecture from me about what a terrible person she'd turned into - that doesn't feel like punishment enough. But I'm going to continue resisting contacting her for answers. There's no way I would ever get back with her but at the moment it feelings like without answers I won't move on. Perhaps I'm wrong.

 

I'm going to pick up all my final things from our house on Wednesday, which I'm dreading. She won't be there but I know just being in the house will make me feel physically sick. I have no idea how she can stay there.

 

Thank you again for all your comments. Discussing this has been very therapeutic and I intend on giving back what I've gained from this forum once I'm in a position to do so.

[No1]

Sometimes its best not knowing the answers to your questions. And I have learned that for every answer you get, 4 more questions will come from it. Its better to accept the here and now than to ask why things happened.

Also. You are doing what we naturally do. Ask if it was real? Did it all mean something? Will she miss me or regret or think about me? Some of your questions, you already know the truth, but you are building a wall and or you refuse to admit the real answer. So Ill help you. Yes it meant something and it was real. You were a great guy, you were supportive and as I said before, hold your head up high.

As far as the will she regret, miss me, think about me questions. You must let them go. Those are questions that you will never know the answer to and do you know what? Thats okay. Life moves on even if you dont know or with her in your life.

[laser132217]

Sometimes its best not knowing the answers to your questions. And I have learned that for every answer you get, 4 more questions will come from it. Its better to accept the here and now than to ask why things happened.

Also. You are doing what we naturally do. Ask if it was real? Did it all mean something? Will she miss me or regret or think about me? Some of your questions, you already know the truth, but you are building a wall and or you refuse to admit the real answer. So Ill help you. Yes it meant something and it was real. You were a great guy, you were supportive and as I said before, hold your head up high.

As far as the will she regret, miss me, think about me questions. You must let them go. Those are questions that you will never know the answer to and do you know what? Thats okay. Life moves on even if you dont know or with her in your life.

 

Very true words. I've got a lot to look forward to in the coming months, including three job interviews. I've started to look more towards the future in the last 24 hours. I've got an interview in a few weeks for a job in the city in which we lived together...Its a city I came to love, the job would be great but it's quite far from my family and main group of friends. I'm trying to decide what I'll do if I get offered the job. I don't see why after all my hard work I should bow out of it because of her weakness. But at the same time, I'm scared that the city will always remind me of her. I guess memories will fade, right? As new happy ones are made? May not get the job, in which case it'll all be irrelevant.