my not so happy 3 way relationship help me?!?!

[kaleota518]

I've been in a mostly monogamous relationship for one guy for almost 2 years. However, when we first started dating I was so attached to my ex, and thought that he was my best friend that I couldn't let him go, no matter how hard my new boyfriend tried. Skipping all the bull that has happened, cut to 2 years later, and we're in a "loving happy amazing" monogamous three way relationship, and I hate it. I thought I'd be getting the best of both worlds, but I can't stand the ex being a part of my new relationship. THere's a lot of baggage there that I'd explain but I've just gotta get this posted.. I desperately need help.. How can we get back to just the two of us, or is it even possible?

[mustlovedogs]

How did your ex get pulled in? Is your main bf bisexual? Just talk about it. I would imagine poly couples go through breakups.

[IAmFCA]

This is on you. You will need to let the ex go, cold turkey, no contact. Your bf may want to retain the friendship, or maybe he will want to continue with him on the side. Prepare for potential outcomes, it will help you assess your own ability to make a clean break.

[kaleota518]

The ex got pulled in, because he had no where else to go. When I moved in with current boyfriend, he stayed in the spare room which was supposed to be temporarily. It never ended, partly due to my co-dependence, partly because he was my best friend.

[kaleota518]

We all still live together. That's what makes so complicated. There are definitely feelings there, on both our accounts.. I am just ready for it to be me and the bf I chose again, not the one that I left but couldn't leave behind. The boyfriend and I have talked about it on numerous occasions and he keeps saying that if it's not a positive thing it will present itself and fix itself. I just don't have that much faith, I know him. He's not one that likes change, and he's not one that doesn't like to not have his options open. I've made it very clear that I'm fine with the occasional strange so to speak because I know that everyone wants that occasionally, including myself. But he seems hell bent on building a relationship with the ex, and it seems the harder I push for what I want, the harder he pushes back. I guess my biggest wonder, is will I ever get the results I desperately hope for, or am I just having a metaphorical carrot dangled in my face because he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

[mustlovedogs]

Do you all have sex together??? Or is he just a roommate?

[kaleota518]

It's moved to the having sex together after about the first year and a half. One of the main issues of the other "bf" is he literally contributes nothing to the relationship. He doesn't help clean, he doesn't pick up after himself, he stays out all night without coming home and with no explanation. When the 3 of us do have sex together, I usually don't participate much because I'm not even interested in a sexual relationship with him, my bf tries to make it more "fair" and inclusive, but I just don't care to because he does nothing for me sexually, or mentally really. That's why our relationship failed in the first place. It's progressed to us all sharing a bed, which I also can't stand. I don't want him near me at all. I get no alone time with my actual boyfriend and I feel lonelier than ever. My bf keeps telling me that things will work out, and that he want's stability, but I couldn't feel more unstable. I'm not happy, and I'm also bi-polar II, and have emotional issues as it is. This situation is driving me to a breaking point, and I don't want to lose my boyfriend whom I love very much, we have a great life together. He's an attorney and we've built his law practice from the ground up, and now I'm finishing my degree in political science, hoping to go to law school as well. We have so many of the same goals and things that we want out of life. The other one, is a server, has 3 kids from a previous marriage before he came out, owes well over $50k in child support and is content to just float, focusing only on himself and his needs. Slowly my bf has been realizing this, but just keeps saying that "it'll all work itself out" and if "it isn't right, it will be clear that it isn't right." Only problem with that, is that it isn't right for me.. at all

[mustlovedogs]

Then breakup. From the outside looking in, you have let this all happen. He shares a bed with you??

 

Just breakup. That's it. That's literally it.

[Matt3939]

Maybe take a break from both for a while?

[Wiseman2]

Whats happening between your ex and the new guy?

we're in a "loving happy amazing" monogamous three way relationship, and I hate it. I thought I'd be getting the best of both worlds, but I can't stand the ex being a part of my new relationship.

[kaleota518]

Maybe take a break from both for a while?

 

It's not that simple. I'm a full time student and my bf essentially supports me while I'm in school. I have money from savings but not enough to get my own place, and I can't work with my school program.

[kaleota518]

Then breakup. From the outside looking in, you have let this all happen. He shares a bed with you??

 

Just breakup. That's it. That's literally it.

 

Break up with the current boyfriend? That's not exactly the avenue I wanted to take. We don't ever fight, we have so much in common and I enjoy is company more than anyone I've ever met, and he challenges me every day to be a better person, I like that. I love everything about our relationship, just not the extra guy in it. I realize I've let it all happen... Is it beyond repair? Can the two of us not get back to how it was? Without my ex involved? Do you really think the only solution is to break up?

[mustlovedogs]

Break up with the current boyfriend? That's not exactly the avenue I wanted to take. We don't ever fight, we have so much in common and I enjoy is company more than anyone I've ever met, and he challenges me every day to be a better person, I like that. I love everything about our relationship, just not the extra guy in it. I realize I've let it all happen... Is it beyond repair? Can the two of us not get back to how it was? Without my ex involved? Do you really think the only solution is to break up?

 

No, breakup with the ex.

 

I can't keep track of which boy is where.

[Wiseman2]

So where does the ex fit in, in this threesome?

I'm a full time student and my bf essentially supports me while I'm in school.

[abitbroken]

You all have terrible boundaries and the codependency reeks. Your newer bf is the biggest stooge for being compliant with this, and you are a user. You need to go back to mom and dad's house. That is terrible to have a guy pay for all of your expenses. Its not like you were married for awhile and agreed that you would trade off going to school, etc, while the other one took care of the bills. ANd I would say new guy thinks he is entitled to sex because he supports you as well. Please break this arrangement and leave both men. Shame on you.

[abitbroken]

Break up with the current boyfriend? That's not exactly the avenue I wanted to take. We don't ever fight, we have so much in common and I enjoy is company more than anyone I've ever met, and he challenges me every day to be a better person, I like that. I love everything about our relationship, just not the extra guy in it. I realize I've let it all happen... Is it beyond repair? Can the two of us not get back to how it was? Without my ex involved? Do you really think the only solution is to break up?

 

And you are a better person by how....? Sponging off your boyfriend, giving two guys their kicks? If he was not being your sugar daddy, would it make the decision clearer on what to do here? You need to pay your own way. And seriously, both men are invited to your bed and your supposed boyfriend tries to "play fair' in bed to give your ex enough body time with you? And you won't speak up that you don't want your ex in bed there? That doesn't sound like a man who is fiercely in love. Otherwise he would want you to himself and not accept you inviting the ex because "he doesn't have anyone". What if you did tell the ex to move out and the boyfriend looked for another third?

 

Honestly, pay your own way and get some sort of backbone while you are at it.

[kaleota518]

You all have terrible boundaries and the codependency reeks. Your newer bf is the biggest stooge for being compliant with this, and you are a user. You need to go back to mom and dad's house. That is terrible to have a guy pay for all of your expenses. Its not like you were married for awhile and agreed that you would trade off going to school, etc, while the other one took care of the bills. ANd I would say new guy thinks he is entitled to sex because he supports you as well. Please break this arrangement and leave both men. Shame on you.

You're terribly wrong there. It has nothing to do with having someone pay my way, when we met I worked full time. He told me that I'd be better off focusing on school because he has the means to make sure everything is taken care of. It's summer now and I've already gotten a summer job. You're missing the bigger picture here, and shaming me when you don't understand that situation at all. I have plenty of places I could go, and can certainly pay my own way. My problem is that I want him. It has nothing to do with finances, he's the one that suggested I quit my job to focus on school. The "ex" or newest addition to the relationship doesn't support me whatsoever, nor do I want or expect him to. I honestly want nothing from him. I want it to be me, and the bf that I chose.. and just fyi, we talked about it today and are having a meeting on Friday night with all three of us to discuss the exit of the third party. Thanks for being so negative tho. That's a different point of view that I didn't think of.

[kaleota518]

And you are a better person by how....? Sponging off your boyfriend, giving two guys their kicks? If he was not being your sugar daddy, would it make the decision clearer on what to do here? You need to pay your own way. And seriously, both men are invited to your bed and your supposed boyfriend tries to "play fair' in bed to give your ex enough body time with you? And you won't speak up that you don't want your ex in bed there? That doesn't sound like a man who is fiercely in love. Otherwise he would want you to himself and not accept you inviting the ex because "he doesn't have anyone". What if you did tell the ex to move out and the boyfriend looked for another third?

 

Honestly, pay your own way and get some sort of backbone while you are at it.

Again, I'll tell you the same thing. It has nothing to do with not paying my own way. I've been doing that my entire life, and only this past year I quit my job to focus on school and finish school faster. It was his idea, not mine. I had serious reservations about not providing anything financially to the relationship because that just doesn't seem morally right. He told me that we'd both be better off financially in a few years when I finish school. I have had a job since I was 16. I've never gone more than a few weeks unemployed, and that's because the restaurant I worked at closed with no notice and it took me a few weeks to find another job. I have told him that I don't want the ex in bed, that I don't want the ex living here, that I don't want the ex around. But that's the demon that I created. Years ago, I did want him around. That's drastically changed.

[abitbroken]

Again, I'll tell you the same thing. It has nothing to do with not paying my own way. I've been doing that my entire life, and only this past year I quit my job to focus on school and finish school faster. It was his idea, not mine. I had serious reservations about not providing anything financially to the relationship because that just doesn't seem morally right. He told me that we'd both be better off financially in a few years when I finish school. I have had a job since I was 16. I've never gone more than a few weeks unemployed, and that's because the restaurant I worked at closed with no notice and it took me a few weeks to find another job. I have told him that I don't want the ex in bed, that I don't want the ex living here, that I don't want the ex around. But that's the demon that I created. Years ago, I did want him around. That's drastically changed.

 

Yes, like your gut tells you, its not morally right - even if your bf suggested it. But you just "allowed" it. Don't be a spectator in your own life - or be a woman that "things just happen to". Take charge. Go to school part time if you have to and work. Your boyfriend has created a situation that you have allowed that makes you indebted to him, makes him needed, and prevents you from leaving. Next semester take fewer classes and get a job - or even two. If you really didn't want the ex in bed, you would not enter the bed with both men - but yet you do. You don't want your ex there, yet you don't tell him to leave.

 

Do you really want to be with a boyfriend who "shares" you? Honestly, I'd want a guy who cherishes me and doesn't want a three way relationship.

 

Anyway - so you told your boyfriend rather than telling your FWB/ex hoping your boyfriend would do something? If boyfriend is getting his kicks by having you both in bed with him, well, since he pays all your bills and you are so compliant and do what he says, then why is he going to kick him out?

[abitbroken]

It's not that simple. I'm a full time student and my bf essentially supports me while I'm in school. I have money from savings but not enough to get my own place, and I can't work with my school program.

 

Find platonic roommates you have no sexual relationship with. find 2-3 other students. Find an older couple's who kid moved out where you can rent a room. Or go back to mom and dad. And don't take summer classes - work like crazy, or only take a class.

[thealchemist]

I'm not well versed in polygamous relationships so I might be off base here. What kind of a relationship is a guy wanting if he has no issue with sharing you with your ex? It isn't like you two just picked up a guy at the bar for a 3way and he never left. This is your ex, with baggage, and you started a new relationship but kept him along. How long were you with your new bf before your ex joined you two? I really don't understand how a guy who cares could be fine with this.

 

Also curious how your bf pushes you to be a better person. This stood out to me for some reason.