I don't know what to do

[Natalia2121]

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. I'm 21 and he's 23. We had an amazing beginning as do all relationships. At first he was my price charming, always opened the door, laughed with me, enjoyed my company, made me feel like his everything. At times he still does but rarely, doesn't even wait for me when I get out the car. We now fight every week. We started living together last July. Things were nice until recently. Mind you he has always had a bad temper. We fight every weekend but he starts it. He's angered by small things which turns into huge fights. He gives me the cold shoulder and I need to ask what's wrong and play the guessing game. He says everything is my fault and I don't know how to behave, which I don't know what that means. He was mad to go to my family dinner because in his country they don't celebrate mothers day. He hates that every time I go to a family event that he needs to go. But we talked about marriage and we already live together. I don't want to not bring him. I said fine I'll stop asking you everytime but he gets so mad and starts calling me names and then points out all my bad things like I don't cook enough or clean enough and how ty I dress and how I force him to do things he doesn't like and etc. He made such a fit he didn't even eat at the dinner. Everything was paid for for him but he was too stubborn to eat, then saying it's my fault on how I need to change. I told him I don't know what I need to do he said figure it out i've told you plenty of times. I'm just going to focus on me and he says he's going to just do his own thing but I'm so used to being with him. I'm so heartbroken I love him so much but he then ends up telling me "I care about my health more than us." Which obviously shows he's giving up on us. I cook, clean, I try to be nice, I love spending time with him when hes happy but blames his anger and stress on me, saying I cause it. I told him no matter which girl you end up with you will always be mad but he disagreed. I want to want him to want me again I just don't know what to do. I'm so heartbroken and he refuses to hangout for a little while he's obsessed with smoking weed and chilling with his friends so he's always with them.

[shessofly]

This guy is an emotionally abusive jerk. I understand that you are hurting, but why on earth are you so desperate to have him back? To take more abuse? It will only get worse. Believe that you deserve better for your life.

[Lone She Wolf]

Natalia....you two are very young. 40 years from now you will remember how insignificant this all is. I know you're hurting right now and you think that by having things the way they used to be will fix everything and you won't hurt anymore. But, you have to understand and believe that things will NEVER go back to the way they were. Life is all about change and how you react to change. So, in order to stop hurting, you have to stop giving away your power to him. Right now, you are waiting for him to behave in a certain way in order for you to feel OK....that is NOT his responsibility. If he's angry and stressed out all the time, he obviously doesn't know how to make himself happy - of course he's not going to know how to make you happy. Don't you think if he could make both of you happy, that he would. The fact that he hasn't means he CAN'T because that's not his job.

 

It's your job to learn how to be strong and stop depending on him to feel happy. There's lots to learn out there...go taking a dancing class, or learn how to paint, join groups with people that have common interests as you....try to find joy away from him and then MAYBE he might come around. Your demanding that he behaves in a certain way is a guarantee that he won't and that you'll drive him away.

[nutbrownhare]

You are both very young, and it sounds as though he can't really cope with the stresses and pressures of adulthood. Is it possible for you to move out? Unfortunately, what you are seeing now is the real him. The Prince Charming act belonged to the honeymoon phase of your relationship, and one of the reasons people stay in abusive relationships is that they want to get back to that phase. It isn't going to happen, and the fact that he picks fights and sulks suggests that he's pulling out of the relationship emotionally.

 

Lone She Wolf is right in that if you want him to behave a certain way, he's pretty well guaranteed not to, and you would do well to find alternative sources of happiness and emotional support outside the relationship - however, I don't see that you have any particular incentive to stay with him. No kids, and I'm guessing you don't have a mortgage.

 

You are way too young to be taking on this kind of rubbish. You don't need to be enduring his bad moods and foul temper for the next 40 years!

[reinventmyself]

You've only been together for a year and lived with him for the half the time.

You moved in during the honeymoon period and didn't wait long enough to see each other in a real light.

 

When someone behaves as he does I often think they are behaving badly so you will end it.

 

I don't see where this is salvageable.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this . It sounds like way to much too soon too fast. Why are you living together already? A lot of red flags here for an abusive relationship. Prince charming act, moving way too fast, 'anger problems', trying to isolate you from family, blames everything on you,etc.

 

 

Talk to your trusted friends and family about this and make an exit plan to move back home. You won't fix or change him. The prince charming act was to draw you in.

 

Read up on 'cycle of violence' and 'red flags for abusive relationships'. Google it right now. He is a very sick and damaging guy. Run. 21 and he's 23. At first he was my price charming. We now fight every week. We started living together last July. he has always had a bad temper. He hates that every time I go to a family event that he needs to go. he then ends up telling me "I care about my health more than us."