He told me he needs to be as he is!

[Pishposhuk]

Hi all,

My boyfriend of 18 months just told me he needs to be "as he is" for now.

I should add I am 32 and he is 52.

Ours is a very complicated relationship.

The first six months were amazing - we quickly fell in love and were spending pretty much every day together. He took me to Poland for my birthday and everything was great.

Then one night, on a night where I got sooooo drunk I blacked out, I snogged his best friend in friend in front of him. Even now I have no memory of this event.

Obviously he dumped me but somehow, and after a lot of grovelling, he let me back in and i promised not to get that drunk again. He stopped telling me he loved me though.

However, last summer, at a party, I blacked-out again. I didn't do anything but it reminded him of that night 6 months earlier. We broke up again.

No contact and six weeks later, on holiday, I texted him by accident which ended in us meeting up - when we did, it was wonderful.

We started seeing each other regularly and this time he would regularly tell me he loves me.

But, again, at Christmas I got far too drunk and got lost. He was on the phone to me the entire time guiding me home but the next day he told me it was over. That when I get "incapable" drunk it makes him insecure and he is too old to be dealing with these kind of emotions. We tried to be friends but it didn't work so I cut him from my life.

After 6 weeks of no contact he sent me an emoji text. I got the wrong idea and he got angry with me and I told him to delete my number. It felt final.

Another 6 weeks later he starts ringing me and sent me a LinkedIn message. When we started talking he told me he wants to be friends. He said his feelings for me have gone.

We arranged to go for a bike ride and text on and off in between.

The bike ride was lovely. We laughed and chatted the entire time. But without the hand-holding and kissing it felt like it was missing something.

Fast-forward one week and he calls me from Wales, where he was spending the weekend. He was drunk and told me he wished I was with him and told me he loves me.

The next day he found out his good mate had suddenly died, and the day after that that his mum had cancer.

We had arranged to meet the next weekend but I said if he wanted to cancel I'd understand as he has a lot going on. He said he still wanted to see me.

I saw him that weekend and he was sweet and lovely and we agreed to take things slowly and start dating. We cuddled but didn't have sex.

Unbeknown to me, the next day he lost his job.

I thought it was odd I hadn't heard anything from him.

When I text him I asked him if our day out had freaked he said it hadn't but he said "I need to be as I am" until the stress dies down but doesn't know when that will be.

I freaked out and started to question our relationship - I couldn't believe that I was losing him after getting him back. This made him angry and said he couldn't handle my emotional stress as well as his so we should move on.

So it went from needing space to a complete break-up.

I can see my reaction was bad. I should've been more considerate of everything he has going on but in those immediate instants after he said he basically can't do me and him right now I freaked out.

I felt like he didn't care about me.

I made him so angry he blocked on whatsapp.

I love him so much I don't know what to do.

I feel I should apologise with a letter and tell him I'm here for him. I don't know what to do!

I want to know that he loves me and forgive me.

Any advice?

[jujusamples]

I'm going to try and say this in the nicest way I could think of; you need to leave it be and do something about your alcohol intake. Don't write a letter or go chasing him at the moment. Give him his space and maybe get some counselling.

 

This relationship seems toxic and yet tiring. Are you not tired of the push and pull game?

[Keyman]

This may seem like love, but it is not. It is simply raw emotion built from the constant on off of this relationship. It is neither healthy nor will it end in anything substantial.

 

If you black out from drinking when you are 32 AND in a relationship, you have a problem. It's called alcoholism. These days it is commonly accepted in the late teens and early twenties, who are still trying to find their limit, not in 30-somethings. Perhaps get some help on this.

 

This relationship should never have recovered from the red flag of that first black out and friend snogging incident. That red flag there is so large, it could be seen from the moon.

 

My suggestion, leave him alone, get some help for your drinking, and go it alone for a while.

[MissCanuck]

Agreed, this isn't love.

 

This is hot-cold, push-pull...by both of you. It's a very unhealthy dynamic and speaks to a much deeper incompatibility between you.

 

You need to get yourself together, girl. At 32, you're too old to be getting that drunk so often. You told him you would curb your drinking but apparently you haven't. Drinking to excess like that is plain unattractive, particularly for a woman in her 30s.

 

Leave him be now. He's been clear he doesn't want a relationship at this time. Your best bet is to believe him and focus on getting your own ducks back in a row.

[Knight2001]

i agree with everyone else. leave him alone and get some help with your dinking. i seen a woman for about 6 months. she was on a night out and turned up at my house after it and she was drunk, she didnt pass out or snog my mate, but seeing her drunk killed something inside me and i ended it soon after.

you need to clean up our act, and leave him alone.

[Andrina]

First off, if you plan on getting drunk again, have a plan set up in advance to get home without you driving. If you'd ever attended a talk by Mothers Against Drunk Driving, I'd doubt you'd be doing this. The grief of having a loved one killed by an inebriated driver is gut wrenching.

 

A potential longterm relationship was cut short because of your impaired actions. And after reconciliation, your love of alcohol won out over the possibility of messing up your relationship again. Obviously, you haven't hit rock bottom, since you haven't realized that a life without alcohol might make your life a whole lot better than it is now.

 

I have 3 relatives who have been sober now for many years, and they celebrate each new year of sobriety, and exude so much happiness that their lives are so much more enjoyable now. Please go to some AA meetings and witness this yourself. People who are in this program are told not to make any new, major changes in their life during the first year of sobriety, such as getting a new pet, or moving, or entering into a new relationship. Work on yourself right now, and you should have a higher risk of success at relationships in the future. Take care.

[Hollyj]

Have you addressed your problem with alcohol? You are waaaaaaaay too old to be getting this drunk. Aren't you kind of embarrassed?

 

This has never been stable. I suggest you get yourself together (alcohol) and move on from this relationship.

 

He will never trust you again, and will only use you for emotional support and occasional sex.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this, but after dating 18 mos is where you get to know each other and it's time to cut your losses.

 

Agree, address your drinking problems, not for him but at 32 your life, liver, looks, relationships and brains are taking a huge toll. And this relationship was just one reminder of that.

 

He's done. No contact, no letters, no bunny boiler chasing, etc. Work on yourself.

My boyfriend of 18 months.I am 32 and he is 52....he told me it was over. That when I get "incapable" drunk it makes him insecure and he is too old to be dealing with these kind of emotions....I made him so angry he blocked on whatsapp.