Crashed my car & my boyfriend didn't turn around to help me

[RainyCoast]

He didn't just say pfffft I be David Beckham.

yes. i like to look for things that make us all equal, human, rather than things that divide us. so i am distressed by this post and such incidents because i cannot consolidate what i believe to be essentially human, with what momentarily strikes one as the lack of that in some humans.

 

i mean, when i witness something like that, i completely forget what important rainy stuff i had to do, all i see is the person, and at times when reminded that i had to be somewhere i cut my friends short saying not now. some people will put nothing (no thing, literally) before a human being in acute distress. some will. i don't think it makes them bad, i am just saddened that they don't understand how appreciated a few minutes of their time and care would have been, and how hurtful the lack of them. i think if they could understand, they'd never find it in them to not extend that small amount of care and time.

[Seraphim]

Personally I would let him go and play his soccer with mommy . I think showing a lack of human consideration is a severe flaw in formation of character. Some get better and some don't but I wouldn't wait around to find out .

[RainyCoast]

Rainy Coast concluded beautifully. It doesn't make him bad, but what he offers might not be what you need right now.

 

That is the right balance. Plenty of us have validated his behavior and yours. Its a choice: this is what he is good at, not that. Do you need what he can not comfortably provide? If so, then you have your answer. Not because he was empirically wrong, he wasn't. But because he doesn't offer you something you require.

 

 

i do think her compiled vulnerability puts this in a special light. i was triggered by her story, because of the incident i witnessed, on the day i buried my mother who had died of cancer. if i can be triggered, i can't imagine how she must have experienced this. i know, i KNOW that OP must have been beyond stressed, vulnerable, and in need of more support than he can offer long enough to be hurt by this way more than obviously many other people would be.

 

i don't want to sound like i advocate dependence, wallowing, self-pity and heightened demands from loved ones, but i cannot see how, in her shoes, she could NOT need more than he has to offer.

 

he may be okay. just not ...objectively enough for her. the LEAST she needs is the minimum that most of us would offer. he can't/ he won't...doesn't matter. the lack is felt as brutal.

[marie0906]

Although I understand why you're upset, I feel like going into this relationship you must have known soccer comes first. Who are you to decide he's too old to fulfill his dreams? If he's getting paid to play, he must be doing something right. Another issue is, you are in your mid-twenties and your mother's are getting involved in your issues. It should be settled between you and your boyfriend. I'm sure he cares, but yes, he cares MORE about his love of the game and his future in it. If that upsets you too much, you need to cut him loose and move on.

[SherrySher]

Well written, Rainy and Seraphim.

[IAmFCA]

yes. i like to look for things that make us all equal, human, rather than things that divide us. so i am distressed by this post and such incidents because i cannot consolidate what i believe to be essentially human, with what momentarily strikes one as the lack of that in some humans.

 

i mean, when i witness something like that, i completely forget what important rainy stuff i had to do, all i see is the person, and at times when reminded that i had to be somewhere i cut my friends short saying not now. some people will put nothing (no thing, literally) before a human being in acute distress. some will. i don't think it makes them bad, i am just saddened that they don't understand how appreciated a few minutes of their time and care would have been, and how hurtful the lack of them. i think if they could understand, they'd never find it in them to not extend that small amount of care and time.

 

"Acute distress" - in my family tbis would not have ranked as acute distress. Or even, distress. You just - handle it.Maybe she was in acute distress but it doeant seem that way to me. And he spoke with her.

 

No need for tbis to be seen as division. I would see it as team work. My thing doesnt interfere with your thing. Divide and conquer.

[RainyCoast]

that's the point- it wouldn't be distressing for a lot of people. humans react to such events with differing levels of stress. so many would be moderately annoyed, and so many paralyzed. not only on the road either. i've seen people in shock over harmless accidents on many occasions and am quite baffled it seems others haven't, or have conveniently forgotten not everyone has the same response.

 

plenty can take the time out of their day to judge whether "experiencing this level of distress over something like this is legitimate".

 

but few care to acknowledge that whether they find such a reaction called for or not, it leaves some people disoriented, panicky, paralyzed and unable to get a grip and take control over a situation that someone else would handle like it's a papercut.

 

we can judge and moralize whether that makes the stressed one wrong or deserving of a couple of minutes, or we can, you know, check. i don't she needs the people who fall in the first of those categories (does anyone).

 

we get it. everyone is so collected and all, surely they don't panic for bent metal. good on them. some are, i dunno, irrational?, horrible?, whatever enough to not handle accidents well on their own. in OPs case i think there is a perfectly obvious explanation as to why she expected support.

 

nobody has to extend sympathy or assistance. but then they also don't have to go on about how needy and excessive it is of her to be upset over the fact not a head turned when she crashed, and nobody but a stranger stopped to think hey, maybe she could use some help.

[RainyCoast]

and really, what the heck?? jeezus. i can't believe one has to earn/justify "hey, maybe she could use some help" with some severe car/driver damage.

 

since reading this thread i have actually started to think some people are right to drive off. don't go "help" people whose "distress isn't even real" to you. nobody needs that kind of "help" anyway. keep driving. thankfully, most of the time someone else will do it without thinking twice.

[IAmFCA]

that's the point- it wouldn't be distressing for a lot of people. humans react to such events with differing levels of stress. so many would be moderately annoyed, and so many paralyzed. not only on the road either. i've seen people in shock over harmless accidents on many occasions and am quite baffled it seems others haven't, or have conveniently forgotten not everyone has the same response.

 

plenty can take the time out of their day to judge whether "experiencing this level of distress over something like this is legitimate".

 

but few care to acknowledge that whether they find such a reaction called for or not, it leaves some people disoriented, panicky, paralyzed and unable to get a grip and take control over a situation that someone else would handle like it's a papercut.

 

we can judge and moralize whether that makes the stressed one wrong or deserving of a couple of minutes, or we can, you know, check. i don't she needs the people who fall in the first of those categories (does anyone).

 

we get it. everyone is so collected and all, surely they don't panic for bent metal. good on them. some are, i dunno, irrational?, horrible?, whatever enough to not handle accidents well on their own. in OPs case i think there is a perfectly obvious explanation as to why she expected support.

 

nobody has to extend sympathy or assistance. but then they also don't have to go on about how needy and excessive it is of her to be upset over the fact not a head turned when she crashed, and nobody but a stranger stopped to think hey, maybe she could use some help.

 

Yes. I went back to edit that SHE may have been in significant distress, and then I waffled because he had spoken with her, and then I lost time for the edit.

 

I am wondering if, in speaking to him, she felt heard. Did she convey distress and he ignored it? Would she have accepted, "I am so so so sorry this happened. I get demerits from the coach every time I am late no matter the cause. Will you please see if your friend can help, and if not, send me a text?" Her inability to cope turned into an excellent ability to cope. She handled it. Extreme emotions do not necessarily require that the rest of us bend to accommodate them. Her situation is not the same as the unfortunate event you witnessed; it seems the bf knew she was able to function.

 

Ah but... did the mom come back to help after dropping him off? That would have been better.

[IAmFCA]

and really, what the heck?? jeezus. i can't believe one has to earn/justify "hey, maybe she could use some help" with some severe car/driver damage.

 

since reading this thread i have actually started to think some people are right to drive off. don't go "help" people whose "distress isn't even real" to you. nobody needs that kind of "help" anyway. keep driving. thankfully, most of the time someone else will do it without thinking twice.

 

 

What strikes you as heartless strikes me as impractical. Just because I am uncomfortable doesn't mean others have to derail their commitments to help. I have stopped to help others; nobody has ever stopped to help me. I never took either act as a statement of personal connection or value. When I stopped, the only way I could help was to stay with the uninjured driver who was clearly in shock. So that's what I did. Its just what we do. In this case, he determined she was shaken up but not in shock; she would be able to handle it. It wasn't a dismissal of her value. It was confidence in her ability to manage.

 

I tell me kids, my job is not to make you happy. It is to help you become strong. I like to think if this happens to them, they will say: I am not okay, I need help, or I am okay, please go ahead, as appropriate.

[RainyCoast]

unpractical would have been if she had an accident and decided to call a boyfriend who was at home or far away to hear him go "ooohhh buuuuub are you okayyyyy" when really he is no position to do anything. it isn't unpractical to turn around and go "you okay there, need a hand" if one is right there, unless we're talking about most highways where you don't really have room to position the vehicle so as to not pose an additional safety threat.

 

honestly, i see no reason to assume she expected him to derail his commitments for her. she claimed the opposite, and yet it has been frequently assumed by multiple people she wasn't being honest about that, and would in fact not have been satisfied whether he had taken a moment for her or not. assumed.

 

It was confidence in her ability to manage.

this would have been fine, imo. from the context, i didn't get the impression that he is (in this instance or generally) unavailable because he trusts that she is able to manage, but because he can't/won't be bothered. that was the part that i find she is understandably upset about. i connect this to your question of whether she felt heard, and would she have "heard" something more acceptable in his response had he worded it like you did for example.

 

because i do think there are things both chose not to hear.

 

he, it was my reading, chose not to hear he needed to confirm he wasn't driving off because "who cares" (as opposed to because she is handling it well herself). not caring seems to have been an issue throughout the relationship, either because that's how he is as a person or because he is hyper-focused on soccer,

 

while she chose to be deaf to something he made clear in no uncertain terms a long time ago : "i will not make time for you. of course, if you settle for seeing me shortly Wednesdays only i'm fine, and i don't mind if you are fangirling on my Sunday matches. but that's all. i'm not going to give as much as you want and need".

 

well, it is loud and clear now. she isn't okay with how much time and attention he extends, and no one and nothing stands between him and soccer.

 

i would take this perfect opportunity to call it a day.

 

i really like what you pointed out about the end result: she did, in fact deal just fine. it would be best to wrap it up by choosing to focus on this victory, rather than the injury of not having gotten the care/reassurance she had hoped for.

[IAmFCA]

unpractical would have been if she had an accident and decided to call a boyfriend who was at home or far away to hear him go "ooohhh buuuuub are you okayyyyy" when really he is no position to do anything. it isn't unpractical to turn around and go "you okay there, need a hand" if one is right there, unless we're talking about most highways where you don't really have room to position the vehicle so as to not pose an additional safety threat.

 

honestly, i see no reason to assume she expected him to derail his commitments for her. she claimed the opposite, and yet it has been frequently assumed by multiple people she wasn't being honest about that, and would in fact not have been satisfied whether he had taken a moment for her or not. assumed.

 

this would have been fine, imo. from the context, i didn't get the impression that he is (in this instance or generally) unavailable because he trusts that she is able to manage, but because he can't/won't be bothered. that was the part that i find she is understandably upset about. i connect this to your question of whether she felt heard, and would she have "heard" something more acceptable in his response had he worded it like you did for example.

 

because i do think there are things both chose not to hear.

 

he, it was my reading, chose not to hear he needed to confirm he wasn't driving off because "who cares" (as opposed to because she is handling it well herself). not caring seems to have been an issue throughout the relationship, either because that's how he is as a person or because he is hyper-focused on soccer,

 

while she chose to be deaf to something he made clear in no uncertain terms a long time ago : "i will not make time for you. of course, if you settle for seeing me shortly Wednesdays only i'm fine, and i don't mind if you are fangirling on my Sunday matches. but that's all. i'm not going to give as much as you want and need".

 

well, it is loud and clear now. she isn't okay with how much time and attention he extends, and no one and nothing stands between him and soccer.

 

i would take this perfect opportunity to call it a day.

 

i really like what you pointed out about the end result: she did, in fact deal just fine. it would be best to wrap it up by choosing to focus on this victory, rather than the injury of not having gotten the care/reassurance she had hoped for.

 

I disagree that he didn't stop because he couldn't or wouldn't be bothered; he had somewhere he had to be and it is a serious commitment, enough to involve contract arrangements. I.e., his job.

 

I do agree that she wants more time than he can offer.

 

I don't agree that it is a disrespect to her, which is implied in the tone used for him. It is a fact of his life. If he were a grad student, or a shift worker, or a single parent with a special needs child, we wouldn't question his limited availability. Soccer is what he does and this is the time it requires. He was clear. She can accept it, or leave. To take it personally isn't fair.

 

Again, you wrap up so perfectly well with a balanced, humanist spin. Let's focus on her "win" at being able to manage through a difficult day. Let's identify that his time is mostly called for, making him unavailable for more than one night a week. And while you'd throw in the towel, I'd stick around because of the otherwise positive experience. eNA would be of mixed mind about both of our decisions. So, OP, it's up to you - do you want what you have, and do you want to grow in the ways this relationship will require? Or do you want to be single for a while, and then get back out there? Up to you.

[Snny]

and really, what the heck?? jeezus. i can't believe one has to earn/justify "hey, maybe she could use some help" with some severe car/driver damage.

 

since reading this thread i have actually started to think some people are right to drive off. don't go "help" people whose "distress isn't even real" to you. nobody needs that kind of "help" anyway. keep driving. thankfully, most of the time someone else will do it without thinking twice.

When I got in accidents, not a single person helped me. I was in the mountains at night (no one around) OR during rush hour when nobody bothered to stop because everyone is in the routine of getting to work on time (and I was nearly killed in that accident and almost had my car flipped over). I had to put on my big girl pants and get myself the hell out of there. The OP was very lucky to have a stranger help her, because that normally doesn't happen in most auto accidents.

 

Heartless, but that is reality. Look up the Bystandard Effect sometime. It's a real concept that most people follow.

 

Like IThinkICan said, the OP may come across this issue again and has to learn how to work through it instead of B'ing out her bf for lack of support. And she has to come to grips in dealing with situations on her own without running into her boyfriends arms every time there's a problem.

[IAmFCA]

i do think her compiled vulnerability puts this in a special light. i was triggered by her story, because of the incident i witnessed, on the day i buried my mother who had died of cancer. if i can be triggered, i can't imagine how she must have experienced this. i know, i KNOW that OP must have been beyond stressed, vulnerable, and in need of more support than he can offer long enough to be hurt by this way more than obviously many other people would be.

 

i don't want to sound like i advocate dependence, wallowing, self-pity and heightened demands from loved ones, but i cannot see how, in her shoes, she could NOT need more than he has to offer.

 

he may be okay. just not ...objectively enough for her. the LEAST she needs is the minimum that most of us would offer. he can't/ he won't...doesn't matter. the lack is felt as brutal.

 

Thats a great point. I applaud your empathy and understanding.

 

To toss him after all that doesnt feel right to me either.

 

I wonder if a regular group of people would help? A volunteer project, a book group, a recovery group? People who see her, and help fill a need of hers.

[RainyCoast]

nah, not worth it. she's not here.

 

unsurprisingly.

[Seraphim]

nah, not worth it. she's not here.

 

unsurprisingly.

 

Damn , just read it all and gone.

 

Thanks for having empathy. ❤️ The world needs it.

[RainyCoast]

i don't always. i don't...far too often.

 

these are events where i do, don't know why this particularly.

 

maybe because it's instinctual, reactive, it gushes from a place that doesn't think, it just does what we naturally do.

 

when we stop to think, we tend to find reasons against empathizing. i didn't want to leave the message on with an implication pending above it that "other people" are finding these reasons. WE do. I do. it is neither personal, nor is it ...not human, as i worded it wrongly earlier. i am affected by this, apparently too strongly, and for what it's worth, yeah, i'll give it some thought as to why that is.

 

maybe though, it just wouldn't hurt if we all stopped an occasional "but---!" dry and just offered the minutes concern instead.

[SherrySher]

Really loved reading your points , Rainy. You've got not only a good understanding but a good heart. I wish more people thought the same, our world might stand a chance if they did.