My boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me and plans on being with her

[Bmagos4]

Me and my boyfriend were together for 3 years. I thought we had the most loving and close relationship we saw eachother everyday and talked everyday I spent the night at his house all the time and we had so many inside jokes and we're truly best friends. It was great. We had a lot of drama in the beginning just because we had to get to know eachother while being together and that caused a lot of friction but we overcame that and it got to a point to where we could look at eachother and really know who we were and I felt I truly knew a part of him nobody else did. He was from the island Guam and I even went there to meet his family and learn about his life. Because of that experience I really thought I got a piece of him nobody else in the states would see. About a month ago he approached me with the thought that it felt things were different with us and that maybe we should focus on being apart for now, I graduated from college a year ago and was searching for career type jobs and he was about to graduate and in his last semester, he stated he just wanted some space and so with that I agreed because he told me he still loves me and cares for me but we should be on our own for the time being. It was hard to grasp but I took it and we still stood in normal contact with another after that. We would spend the night at eachother house and even still kiss and have sex. It was tough for me because I wanted a relationship. Eventually I saw on Instagram that he liked a photo and clicked on it and found it was a picture of him with another girl at a sorority formal. I immediately clicked on her page and saw all these photos of them two together. My heart was broken.

 

There was a picture of him holding her at Tahoe and I remembered he told me he was going to Tahoe with him family but he really went with her. There was a picture of him at Vegas with her when he told me he was going to Vegas with his roommates. I confronted him and told him to come over and he at first avoiding going that but I forced him to. He came over and just apologized and said he didn't know why he did it it just happened. He made it seem like it was a one time thing and so maybe in time with a lot of effort we could work through this. I was willing. He said he wanted that too but still wanted to not be together at the moment. Knowing this killed me so much I felt like I was going crazy with comparing her to me and wondering how she was better than me in every way. It led me to reach out to her. I messaged her on Facebook because I truly thought she knew about me but was the type of girl who just didn't care and wanted what she wanted. Turns out she didn't know about me either and he led her to believe I hadn't been in the picture for a long time! She asked me to provide proof of me and him being together during when they were together and I did and she was shocked. Both of us answered a lot of questions for one another and she was mad and felt disrespected. She was actually nice to me and for a second I felt bad for her because she was innocent in this. She told me she wasn't talking to him and didn't wanna be with him but that I should talk to him and see what he wants. She asked me if I still want him and I told her yes even after all this drama I felt we had a bond and our time together was worth trying to save. I asked her if she wanted him and she said no but she also just needs time to process everything. I made it clear to her that the entire time they were in a relationship, me and him were consistently together and he basically led two relationships and acted like either of us didn't exist. He also led me to believe after we broke up and even after I found out about her that he still loved me still needed me still wanted me in his life which gave me hope. She gave me more information on how often they would see eachother, that they have had sex together and that they tell eachother they love eachother. All this and more just continued to break my heart. He found out that me and her were in contact and blocked me off all social media, and my phone number was blocked too so I couldn't even reach out to him. We ended up agreeing to meet up and talk and he just yelled the whole time and stated he didn't want me anymore he doesn't love me and he loves her and wants to save their relationship and now ours. He finally admitted that he cheated on met a girl and it was going great and lost feelings for me, he said he doesn't feel the same about me anymore and wants to be with her. He picked her over me. He's not sure she'll take him back after finding out all that I told her but apart of me feels like she will take him back and they will be together.

 

It's not fair I did everything right and treated him so good and he cheats on me and the worst part is that he gets to go on and be happy with her and I have to suffer through this alone. I want him to see how big of a mistake he made but he will never see that as long as she's around he has to be alone to realize that. It's so hurtful that he doesn't even wanna try and save ours he's just so ready to move on from me. I don't know what to do. He says he'll check up on me from time to time and will unblock me from stuff when he's ready but that's not what I want I want him to see in time he wants me back but it's like he completely changed into a different person and has this new life now and new girl. Me and him would talk about our future together and even went so far as to look up on Google specifics on where we wanted to live and now he's telling me he wants all that with her. It's broken me apart and I've never felt more depressed in my life. I've contemplated suicide because I have no idea how to live on through these feelings. He was such a big part of my life I thought I was in his too and now so fast it's just gone and I have to live like he never existed. Makes me feel like I wasted his time. How could she want to be with him after knowing what he's done to me? He started out their relationship on a big life and told her he was single when he wasn't and how could she want to carry on with that? How could he wanna be with her knowing he cheated on me with her?

[Raggie]

Hey there.

 

I know it won't feel like it at the moment, but you need to start telling and believing that you have won in this. You are rid of a man who has no qualms in lying to people he is close to. This will continue and worsen. Because of the extent and duration of his lies, rest assured, he will do this to her or anyone else.

 

Her decisions are not your concern really. I have to say the maturity and empathy you showed for each other is something you should be proud of. I'm curious to know why you think she'll go back on what she said to you? She sounds like she has self respect and will realise she deserves better.

 

And so do you.

 

It hurts, I know, and I am so sorry you are having to through this. You need to be kind and patient with yourself. Do not contact him - block him, he does not deserve you any more. Then take it a day at a time. Do you have friends and family who could support you?

[Starlight925]

he just yelled the whole time and stated he didn't want me anymore he doesn't love me and he loves her and wants to save their relationship and not ours. He finally admitted that he cheated on met a girl and it was going great and lost feelings for me, he said he doesn't feel the same about me anymore and wants to be with her. He picked her over me.

 

Believe what he's telling you, as sad as this is. He's telling you, in the plainest language he can, that it's over between you two.

 

What went on with this girl, or if they have a future, has nothing to do with this. Even if she stays away from him, how can you ever trust him? And why would you want to be with someone who has told you, very clearly, that his feelings have changed and that he doesn't love you?

 

You are right to be upset, and I get that. But please block him from your social media, rather than waiting to see his blocking/unblocking actions.

 

And find a guy who loves you for who you are, who respects you, and who you can trust.

[MissCanuck]

OP, a dear friend of mine experienced something similar over a decade ago. She found out her boyfriend of 2 years had essentially been leading a double life for the entire duration of their relationship. His other girlfriend was similarly in the dark, and my friend made contact with her. They confronted him together and both immediatley dumped him.

 

However, my friend was still completely in love and heartbroken. They wound up reconciling about 6 months later, and he apologized to her family and his own for being such a deceptive jerk. They married about 5 years after she exposed him.

 

They now have two children together, a house, the whole 9. But guess who was recently discovered to be up to his old tricks again? My friend is again devastated, as she believed this was all ancient history. It's not, sadly. And she also can't walk away as easily as she did all those years ago. I am truly worried about what this has done to her; she is destroyed that he has done this again, and not only to her but also to their children.

 

I tell you this to underline the fact that you have dodged a lifetime of heartache. Someone who is so easily able to lie and deceive you is not someone you can have a happy and healthy future with. You will need time to heal, but I promise that someday you will be thanking your lucky stars that you discovered this guy's true colours before you made a lifetime commitment to him.

[Vicky89]

How could she want to be with him after knowing what he's done to me? He started out their relationship on a big life and told her he was single when he wasn't and how could she want to carry on with that? How could he wanna be with her knowing he cheated on me with her?

 

Well, he has been over you for quite some time, in fact, before he said he needed space he had already contemplated how he was going to tell you that for a while.

 

Just because YOU like or love someone doesn't mean they return your sentiments, you sound obsessed with the guy and he didn't know how to break things off for good so he would do a halfassed job of it and you being clingy and obsessive kept reaching out to him when he already had no real interest.

 

It's funny how you say "how could that girl take him back after what he did to ME " as if you are the only one that matters here, but hypocritically you are willing to take him back after he cheated on her ! Do you see how crazy you sound ?

 

He told you he wants her and he blocked your number and you still reach out to the guy. FORGET HIM. He is NOT interested.

 

There's always one person in a relationship that cares more than the other, and sadly, the one that cares the most is always the one that has the least power over anything.

 

You have to accept that he has tried to end things for a while, that he has already been sleeping around with others and that he isn't interested in you. It sucks and most of us have experienced unrequited love, but, it is what it is, we can't control others.

 

And you know what ? WHY THE F would you want him back at all ?

 

He told you he wanted someone else, he lied about SEVERAL trips saying he was with the family yet he was out banging away with someone else having fun in Vegas while you sat at home staring at the phone waiting for his texts.....

 

Why would you want a person like that in your life ? And YES once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater because in your case he has done that several times over !

 

Maybe if someone cheats in past relationship then they won't cheat on you because that was a different person than you, but if he has been cheating on YOU specifically, then you can forget it, whatever you have to offer, he has sampled and isn't interested in buying the goods, he wants other free samples too !

 

Funny how you mention how good you've been to him and kind.... since when does that matter in sexual attraction ? Maybe you made it so easy for him to be with you that he settled for you but as soon as he found something he deemed better, he went for it and ENDED it with you. He actually broke up with you to be with someone else, that's how much he doesn't want you ! He was more upset that the OTHER girl found out about his lies than he was upset that you found out ! He didn't want to jeopardize what he really wanted, a relationship with the other girl and the only reason he bothered at all with you was because you were obsessed with him and giving yourself to him and accepting any scrap of attention he gave you while refusing to accept he didn't want you.

 

Men don't normally turn down free sex, that doesn't mean he wants to be with you.

 

You have a lot of learning and growing up to do, best to focus on your career, a year out of college and still unemployed in your chosen career path is frightening and looks like death on a resume. You need to get yourself together and start thinking about how you are going to support yourself and make money with what you went to college for.

 

If he ever reaches out to you because the other girl he wanted turned him down, DO NOT reply, he will just leave you again when someone else catches his eye because the bottom line is, whatever he feels drawn to and attracted to, is not you, and you can't bring back what's not there.

[nutbrownhare]

I can't really add much to what people have said about now being free of a cheating liar, who has no qualms about betraying people he professes to love. This is not someone you should be having a long terms relationship with.

 

Also, I get that you feel devastated. I can imagine the feelings of horror you must have gone through when you discovered deception after deception, and that's likely to stay with you for a while. Also, one of the most painful things about being hurt in love for the first time is the fact that we've had no experience of having lived through it and then come out the other side - overwhelming emotions we just don't know how to deal with.

 

Let yourself grieve and cry, and eventually you'll come to realise that you had a lucky escape, that you've got the rest of your life ahead of you and your future is full of hope. That will be a little while in coming, but rest assured - it will!

 

(((HUGS)))

[Bmagos4]

Thank you all for the kind words. It really has helped me. Since we met and talked and he told me, I have not talked to him since. It's only been a couple days but still. The day after we talked he texted me saying he was unblocking me so that he can check up on me here and there and I didn't reply. That same day at night he texted again saying "I'm sorry for yelling at you yesterday. I know it's a stupid question but how are you?" And I didn't reply. I wanted to but idk what this means?