Need advice on how to deal with hypocritical and egotistic parents

[RandomPerson57]

Lets start with my family, i am the third of a 4 sibling living with both of my parents. On a daily basis, most of us usually talk to our mother instead of our father because of his usually cold attitude. And most of us never have a heart to heart discussion about something because neither my parents or my sibling want to have that emotional distress/awkwardness. And the irony is that all of us seem to have problems that we want to talk about, which in the end only cause even more stress. The only time that my father talks to me or my siblings is either when he needs something (usually computer related because he doesnt understand it) or when a hot topic is arising ( for example the pokemon go craze or when there is a new "study" about gaming addiction or etc, i am a highschool student after all), and by talking, i mean he will berate me or my siblings on it as if it was the gospel even though all of us already knew about it. He will explain that this thing will destroy our lives, that he saw it with his own eyes and etc..

This also happens with my mother although not so often.

 

Now, people say if you are uncomfortable about somethign you should talk about it right? Well it's a bit difficult since my father is really thickheaded. I respect him with all of my might but every single time i try to correct him in anything, he will go berserk and say that im just a child that is naivete, doesnt know anything, and should just always listen to anything he says even though that his statement is very wrong and misleading. the source of where he gets the information every single time is always from his friends in whats app, and he never double checks it. So everything that he received is instantly recorded in his mind. Another reason why my father is so thickheaded is because of his ego. He is the owner of a successful ceramic distributor, he is a civil engineer, and he knows a lot of people. And everytime anyone meets him, they always praise him on how wise, nice, and successful he is. But all of us except my father knew that all of them only praise him to get on his good side, and my father is a real sucker to praise and attention.

 

So everytime me, my siblings or my mother "disrepects" him by correcting him, or not agreeing to anything he says or giving attention to something else he will start to get angry (he doesnt care if its in the public) and say how we are inferior to him in every single way or form and how we should respect him like everyone else.

 

This has happen to me and my siblings ever since we were little and this will continue until we sever our ties with him.

 

The worst thing is when if my mother 'disrepects' him. He will start to call her 'only a woman' and how as his wife she should respects him the most. He will continue saying that her education is useless and she is lower than him(my mother has a master in law and a notary while he has a bachelor in civil engineering). Even if my mother starts crying, he will continue until he is satisfied.

 

Now, on his defense, he doesnt physically abuse any of us at all, but this has gone too far for anyone in my family. So i want to ask anyone, how do i stop him from hurting this family?

[Batya33]

I think you're making the typical mistake of assuming that just because someone is related to you that your personalities and communication styles will click. You say you respect him so act in a polite and respectful way and if he oversteps boundaries by asking you to help him too often etc then politely assert your boundaries and keep your distance. Of course you want to be close with and bond with your father but it sounds like right now you two don't click - and no, you shouldn't be entitled to share with another person any time something is bothering you -depends on context/timing/tone and I suggest you pick your battles carefully. And save your pennies so you can move out sooner rather than later. i'm sorry he is mean to your mother so be extra nurturing with your mother and let her figure things out in the marriage. I'm sorry you're going through this. My father could be like this, we were never close before I was an independent adult and even then we never really connected. I respected him and was glad that at his funeral last fall I could honestly speak to that and to his many accomplishments.

[Starstriker]

Dads will always have an ego. But he does alot for you guys too. U just don't realise it. But i suggest u give him what he wants, be nice, polite. If he asks u for something dont argue or make a sound (parents hate that sound we make when we dont want to do something) Just be very nice to him and make it a habbit to agree with him even if its not your real opinion. If you really want a happy family us children just need to do whats needed. When your dad talks to your mom rudely. I suggest dont interfere but once he is done. Talk sweetly to your mom and ignore wat he had done. He will stop over time. You can't change your dad he is still your dad after all.For now just be a good child and parents really appreciate it. I am in highschool jus like you and i totaly understand.

[jennylove]

Make plans to break free on your 18th birthday.

 

Edited to add: my dad had a similar temper as your dad, just the slightest thing would make him snap, or shall I say, rage. My dad was a very mean and scary person to me for as long as I could remember. My sister and I always had to walk on eggshells around him. And like your dad, no heart-to heart conversations have ever been had. My dad has chilied out a lot since he's gotten older. But it took a long time for him to get there. I started to notice a difference when I was 30, he was around 55. Our relationship is non-existent now though. That saying, "You reap what you sow" holds the truth, remember that when you have kids.

[thealchemist]

I came from a extremely verbally abusive and partially physically abusive father. Had to walk on eggshells a lot. I refused to agree with my father on things as a 16 year old and got into fist fights with him. I would never dishonestly agree with my father to placate him. I would however never inform him how he was wrong. It isn't your place to stand between your parenta either. If you have to call the police because of feeling threatened that is one thing. Only your mom can help herself and her situation. I would go incognito until 18 them gtfo. After i left I actually developed a good relationship with my dad. He was just not cut out to be a parent and had a ton of anger issues during child rearing. Just try to disturb the situation as little as possible until you can get out.