Boyfriend supporting ex

[Stesha]

My boyfriend has major guilt issues about leaving his exes - never divorced his wife - paid her mortgage until last month. Paid his live -in girlfriends expenses/mortgage forever. We just started re-dating after a long-term youthful relationship - she starved herself and passed out - broke her eye socket, shoulder, and now on disability - he left the house and is paying mortgage - now is doubting that he should have left. We are "happily" living together and sharing rent. But he is having second thoughts. So "entangled" with ex, her son, his cat that they won't give him. What to do? Trying to give him space, but honestly, shouldn't a person learn to deal? He says his wife never found someone. I say she never had to because he made it so she never really had motivation - she remained the "Mrs" of a lawyer and he paid her mortgage while he moved to a smaller place. Same thing will happen here. I am so upset.

[MissCanuck]

No way in hell I'd continue this relationship.

 

He's still too attached to his exes, and having doubts that he should left in the first place? I'd make sure the door hit him in the backside on his way out.

[ParisPaulette]

I'm not so much going to advise you what to do about him. I'm telling you though, to look at yourself and ask, "Why am I supporting someone who is supporting two other women he says are exes," because if you're letting him stay with you and you're footing the bills then yeah, you are.

 

You are just as guilty of enabling this guy in this behavior as he is. The proper response is, "Not done with your exes? Buh-bye, you get out and don't call me until you are well and truly done with them both, and I never have to hear about it or see your paycheck going to either of them for a single blessed dime. Period, end of story."

 

That you haven't and don't is just you supporting him in this madness, whether you want to admit it or not. The only way to stop this is to kick him out and examine why you got involved with him to begin with, because I'm sure he didn't pull this out after a year. You are bound to have known this is who he was before he moved in with you.

 

All you can do now is tell him you're sick of it and he needs to hit the road. Better yet, pack his bags and change the locks, tell him to go stay with one of his exes who he is financially supporting and make sure all of your financial information is buttoned up with passwords and cards changed, so he can't steal from you.

[RainyCoast]

with each day i am more convinced that life is simple- stupid simple in fact.

 

and i am certain you know the answer to your problem perfectly well. all the reeling around it t.s.eliot style is intended to keep illusions in places where reality isn't satisfactory.

 

you can cut through the nonsense and do the rational thing quickly, or you can invest in a longer psychological process to clean up the feelings that make you choose less than decent for yourself, or you can persevere like this, endlessly looking for defenses against reality,,,,endlessly unhappy about both the reality and your defenses.

 

astonishing, that this dry simplicity is at the bottom of most our -largely selfinflicted- suffering.

[Wiseman2]

He's married he has to pay the mortgage. It's not his ex it's his wife. Kick him out asap and find a roommate tenant to help share living costs.

never divorced his wife - paid her mortgage until last month. We are "happily" living together and sharing rent. So "entangled" with ex, her son, his cat that they won't give him. He says his wife never found someone.

[nutbrownhare]

You don't just have a relationship with him, but with him and a cast of supporting characters.The nature of the relationships has changed, but essentially he is still in multiple relationships with these exes. While he is still enmeshed with them, there is no possibility of a truly meaningful relationship with you. His wife never found someone because they never truly split up, and I think on some level you recognise that.

 

It all depends how long you intend to eat your heart out over this man... he's having second thoughts, but so should you be. If he's this generous towards women from his past, I'm guessing that he's generally warm and kind, and this is what has attracted you to him. However, what you see here is what you get. Though you're trying to be understanding and giving him space, it is very much at the expense of your own wellbeing, and will continue to get worse the longer you stay with him.

 

And all the time you're supporting him, and indirectly supporting his other relationships, is time you're NOT spending in finding someone who could be truly available to you.