Post Breakup Experiment: 6 weeks of no social media stalking. Let's see

[RoseHeart]

This is my last resort. It has been 3 months today since the love of my life left me. I'm not even going to go into the story. Just know I'm 23, he's almost 24 and we were together for just over a year. Towards the end of the relationship we argued a lot and generally it was because of me. I had issues and I often took it out on him (I'm now much better and have learnt coping strategies for my depression).Unfortunately, it was too late and he chose to leave me. His behavior towards me post breakup has been very odd. The one time we did meet up in person after the breakup, he had to fight back tears and couldn't look me in the eye. It seemed like he wanted to tell me things but didn't know how. It only ended up making him look very cold and distant and this totally distorted the image I had of him. The guy who I once saw as a loving caring man, now suddently turned into a very very cold person. After the meetup, he never reached out to me again. He didn't wish me a happy birthday. He just went quiet.

 

Fast forward then about 2 months and a half (aka 2 weeks ago) We finally started talking again when I sent him a long message via Whatsapp saying that I felt like we didn't end of on good terms at all (I got angry and upset at him because I couldn't understand him or his behavior) and that I wanted to let him know I have no hard feelings and I have forgiven him. I also said that I'm open to hanging out again in the future as friends. He immediately responded with a lengthy message back saying he was very sorry about everything, that he felt really bad and that he wanted to suggest us hanging out as friends but didn't feel ready. He seemed kinder towards me than the last time we saw each other which made me feel happy. We talked a bit on and then it ended off with him saying he'll let me know when we can hang out and meet up as he is busy with exams and his band is busy touring so he's not at home.

 

Now my problem is this. I'm completely OK With us not speaking right now. I can deal with this. I can cope with not being able to contact him and I don't feel temptation to ever reach out to him anymore. His number is still on my phone but it doesn't even cross my mind to send him another message as I have done enough now and I realize it. The problem comes however wth social media. I am utterly obsessed with looking at his Instagram and Facebook pages. I try to practice self control but I just can't. I check sometimes every 20 minutes. I sometimes sit on his Facebook for a hour trying to analyze what he has "liked". I stalk his friend profile to see who he has added. I look for anything and everything. It's so unhealthy.

 

The upsetting thing too is that Instagram was never a issue because he only decided to get it 2 weeks ago now. Ironically, he opened his Instagram account right after pictures of me and a guy I'm sorta casually seeing, was put on Facebook and a mutual friend of me and my ex saw this and liked it. In fact, I have another 2 friends of my ex on my Facebook and I think they possibly saw me and this guy's photos too. Now I wonder if they went on and told him that I'm dating someone new. I find it very odd timing that he chose to start a Instagram account right after the pics of me and a guy came online. I don't have my ex on Facebook. He would have heard it from these mutual friends who have a motive to be telling my ex things.

 

Now my ex is Mr Chatty on Instagram. Always posting what he is doing. Posting pictures of his beer tasting. How he is spending his evening. His band set list. Pictures he takes in the car. He is CONSTANTLY posting things and it is just highly ironic that during our year together he had zero interest in Instagram and told me many times he sees no point in it and has no need for it. Now here he is, on Instagram, acting like a social butterfly.

 

My instagram is on private btw and my ex has made no attempt in adding me on there.

 

So anyway I have a serious problem. I can yes, block him. But he's going to find out and realize that I blocked him. He knows I love Instagram and he knows I love Facebook. Me just completely disseapearing will let him know he got to me and that I can't stand seeing his things. Also considering how we are supposed to be on good terms and will possibly meeting up, I don't want to portray the idea that I have something against him or that he is bothering me. I want to play it cool.

 

So now My goal is to really just commit to going 6 weeks of not checking up on him. It's going to be BRUTAL but honestly, I need to do something. Right now I miss him so crazy much. They say it gets better with time, well, for me with time it is only getting worse and worse. At night it hits me like a ton of bricks that he isn't here anymore. It physically hurts. I think of him all the time and I think my constant social media wandering and stalking is what is keeping me from healing fully. A part of me accepts it's over but then another part of me keeps wanting to check up on him essentially destroying any motive I have for accepting it's over. So I need to change something.

 

I want to see if 6 weeks of no social media stalking will help break the habit.

 

Every day I'm going to report back on my emotions and how I'm doing. This will also hold me accountable as it will be embarassing to come on here and say I cannot commit to something after writing all of this.

 

I'll keep you on hight with my journey x

 

My last check was approximitely around 2pm I believe. It's now 8pm. No checks and no desire right now to check either. I'm doing this!

[RoseHeart]

So this morning I woke up, consumed by sadness again of knowing that yet another day will be spent without him. He was on my mind this morning. I hope it's because of the fact that I spent so long the previous few weeks looking him up and that me cutting it off will help me heal and forget about him so to speak. I realize I will never truly forget everything but I want the memories to fade and to be reminded of him less and less. Cutting of social media conact is the only thing I can think of to help. But yeah when I'm in bed I think of my ex the most. I think how we used to sleep together and how in this very bed we were together just a few months ago. It sorta just cuts me deep man. I actually want to move my bed and get new bedding as a attempt to help but right now I'm so friggen broke that I cannot afford to get new bedding. I will have to put that off for a bit and push through.

 

Anyway I will report back tonight on how my day was. I am motivated and ready to not give in to whatever temptation comes my way today! I'm keeping my phone far away from me (that is when I'd check up on him) and I'm going to spend my day watching series and documenteries.

 

Have a blessed day to whoever is reading this xx

[reinventmyself]

Just remember that every time you expose yourself to him you feed the connection and attachment

If your goal is detach and be free from the obsessing, the only way to do that is abstain from checking on him.

It's hard, I get it. Hang in there. It gets better each day. One day at a time.

[RoseHeart]

Today my ex feels less on my mind. I'm not sure how or why. Because I still have my ex on Whatsapp to keep communication channels open, I saw his change of profile picture to one where he's playing drums at a show of his band. It obviously threw me off to see another picture of him where he looked pretty handsome of course. But the thing is, I also changed my profile picture yesterday on Whatsapp, added a photo on Instagram and changed my profile pic on FB. I received quite positive feedback. Several guys commented on my things saying I look amazing etc. This really made me feel good about myself. I sorta thought "Hey I'm actually pretty OK" and that helped me. I felt good about myself which lessened the appearance of my ex.

 

I know it's not healthy to need other people's opinions to make one feel good but during a breakup it's so easy to feel down and not good enough. I really felt and some days still feel sad that the person who once built me up and told me I was beautiful every day, decided to just leave and never return. It makes it seem like he couldn't have found me that beautiful if he chose to give up on me. That is what brings me down. But on the bright side, other men are seeing my appearance and think I look good. A guy even said on my FB picture that no amount of words can describe how beautiful my picture looks. A part of me would of course hope my ex sees that and realizes there are other people calling me beautiful and that I don't need him.

 

It's so awfully childish to be concerned with things like this but I can't help it. What just counts is that I woke up today feeling like I AM good enough and worthy enough and pretty enough. He was just too blind to realize what he got and gave up due to HIS childishness and inability to deal with conflict. I realize more and more he could have been the problem and not just me. He often I think triggered my behavior because of his immaturity.

 

But anyway, rant over for now. I'm feeling good today!

[RoseHeart]

OK so last night I decided to download this app called Headspace or something. It's a meditation app and I really think it is amazing. I've only done the first meditation but I already feel something shifting inside of me. The idea of focusing on the present and feeling what is going on inside and not paying attention to thoughts seemed pretty cliche but I have to say, I think I've missing out on something valuable. I'm trying today to consciously think of the present. Whenever I feel that all so well known feeling of missing my ex or wondering what he is doing and where he is and how he is feeling, I try to switch off and come back to the present by looking around me and noticing things in front of me.

 

I also realized that one thing I'm seriously lacking in my life is looking forward to the future. I always felt with my ex like I had so much to look forward to. I mean, every single time I'd become excited about seeing him again and this constantly just made me feel good. Now he's gone and I suddenly felt like I have nothing to be excited about or to look forward to. I then decided that I want to do something magical and plan something I've never done before. I've decided to start saving up for my first trip overseas. I've already picked my location - Egypt. The back up option is Greece. It's between those 2 locations. I already felt excitement about this last night when I was thinking of it and looking at travel packages.

 

This is EXACTLY what I need. Something to truly look forward to. Something huge and big. I've never ever been overseas and the idea of doing it just didn't seem like a priority but now, oh boy, I think this is what I needed to bring me back and realize there's something bigger out there. It's going to take a long time to plan and save up but this will really keep me busy and motivated. I will likely only be able to in a year's time minimum but you know, at least I have something totally epic to look forward to and to get me excited.

 

I feel really good today and I haven't looked my ex up. In all honesty I just feel right now that I have so much to experience and be happy about that I do not need him. I have bigger fish to fry so to speak and it's damn exciting.

[RoseHeart]

So last night I decided to block my ex. From all social media. I said I won't do it but something really significant happened last night. I came to realize that my ex isn't the person I once knew and that no matter what, I could never unsee or undo what I saw. I saw a video posted on my ex's band page (yes I know I said I won't look!) In this video the band, including my ex, were drinking heavily (at 11am in the morning) in a public train on their way to another city and my ex was swearing. They were all making vulgar jokes and saying pathetic things. My ex was seen trying to fix something that they seem to have broken in their train compartment. Once again swearing heavily. Something inside of me broke in that moment. I realized all the hopes and dreams I had of the person I thought he was, were shattered. He was NOT the person I knew a year ago. He is now a bland, boring wannabe rockstar who clearly let his morals and values go. I don't see how anyone can be proud of drinking heavily at 11am in the morning being vulgar for attention.

 

I'm truly 100% glad I saw this. I realized I no longer want him in my life. Ever. Everything about him is fake. There's no going back and undoing the ed up things he has done to me like not speaking to me in 3 months after leaving me over the phone. Not being able to send a simple "how are you". Instead he treated me like absolute TRASH that could be thrown away after a close relationship of a year where I went above and beyond in taking care of him, supporting him and loving him. I did so much for him and he repaid me by throwing me away and showing no concern for me whatsoever. His words are empty. I am completely done 100%.

 

I blocked him mainly because I really want nothing to do with him ever again. I don't want to speak to him. I don't want him to see anything of me or my life and neither do I want to see anything of him. He's long gone to me and he's in the past buried deeply away. I also deleted our photos off FB. I know some people say you may look back fondly but in all honesty, I can never look at him the same. He is one person who treated me like garbage and I will never forget that. I still have our photos on my pc but I don't want them on social media anymore. I want to be gone from his life and I want the same from him.

 

If he ever contacts me, I'm not even going to bother responding. He's no longer worth anything of me.

 

He may have thrown me away like garbage but now HE is absolute utter garbage considering his new lifestyle that is probably already filled with drugs, alcohol and reckless behavior. No thanks. I'm above that. I'm above him. I'm paying off my car, study debt and I have a proper job with lots of opportunities. At 23 I'm achieving more than he will in 10 ing years. I have so much to be proud of and what does he have to show? Nothing. My one friend told me right after the breakup that he just dragged me down and now I can truly see it for what it is

 

which is that he doesn't deserve someone like me. He is a cold hearted human being who can hurt someone freely that he claimed to love for a year. Everything he did post breakup he did because he KNEW it would hurt me more. Posting pics of the ONE girl he knew was a issue in our relationship and who I felt icky about was beyond low and ed up. He knew I would see it. He knew what he was doing. He has no care in this world for anyone but himself.

 

I am feeling incredibly relieved and positive about this. I needed this. I needed that final reminder that he was not the person I thought he was and that he is now a absolute tool that is going off the rails. Vandalizing property, drinking at 11 and swearing like a saint with vulgar people who is now probably what he'll call his "friends".

 

Goodbye. You no longer have power over me and I'm truly going to be happy without you. there are many guys who will never treat me like you did and I WILL find one of them.