Am I destined to be alone forever ?

[Vicky89]

I'm in my late 20's, been single for a few years, no luck with men.

 

Basically, anytime I find a man am attracted to, he turns out to be married with kids, married, has a girlfriend, not interested in me, interested but not wanting anything long term or marriage, just fool around. So, I find myself alone all the time. I work in with mainly women so that doesn't help, there's no guys to meet, I don't have friends and rarely go out which makes meeting men harder, add to that am introverted and I guess I've just killed off any chance at meeting someone.

 

From time to time I'll meet a guy, but it's like he is either way too old for me 20+ years, or am just not physically attracted whatsoever and somewhat repulsed by the guy. I can NEVER find a mutual attraction with a guy who wants to date long term.

 

It's starting to affect my everyday life, am getting depressed.

 

People tell me " Oh, don't focus so much on that, just do your thing an a guy will show up when you least expect it. "

 

But I've been doing just that and it's been a drought for 4 YEARS, if I just leave it up to chance I'll die solo.

 

Advice ?

[ThatwasThen]

add to that am introverted

This might explain why you find yourself attracted to married or otherwise taken men, you don't do anything that would introduce you to single guys. You have mis-placed bonding with men who are 'safe' because they are already taken. Do you not find out their status before you start the bonding process or, do you feel comfortable that they are married/taken and that is how you end up bonded to them?

 

Join a meet up site (rather then a dating site) like meetmarketadventures.com and go on activities that other singles will be attending without the pressure of an actual date. You may just find a kindred spirit doing stuff you actually like to do or stuff you always wanted to try but haven't gotten to it yet.

 

A guy is NOT going to fall into your lap so ditch that "just do your thing an a guy will show up" mentality. Everything takes an effort.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you will be if you keep dating married guys and claim you're introverted and continue to make excuses or rely on kismet, etc.

 

You'll have to broaden your horizons. Volunteer, take courses or classes and lessons. Join some groups or clubs like hiking or things that men will be in. Also update yourself. Get in shape, new clothes, hair, attitude.

 

Get on some dating apps with a good profile and recent pics. Start browsing and talking to guys. Meet for coffee. Don't act and sound this desperate. Learn confidence and when to say 'nice meeting you, bye' and move on.

 

If this is happening this much your approach to dating is way off 89;6816075]anytime I find a man am attracted to, he turns out to be married with kids, married, has a girlfriend, not interested in me, interested but not wanting anything long term or marriage, just fool around.

[Vicky89]

I start the bonding before I know they are married, I don't think to look for the ring on their finger. I met ONE guy at work that I actually like, he and I get on great, I thought to look at his hand around the second day, he is married. So, even though I'm attracted and really like his company and look forward to going in to work just to see him, he is completely off limits and may as well not exist because I can't date him. My panic is that the older I get the less available men there are, they are married by then.

[Batya33]

So then you have to balance the risk of getting out of your comfort zone against being on your own. I have had to do that several times in order to get to where I want to be. Take baby steps so it doesn't seem insurmountable. Ask your female coworkers to introduce you to suitable men. Volunteer backstage at a community theater. Take swing dancing lessons or join a hiking club or both. Join a book club. Baby steps.

[Jibralta]

I don't think to look for the ring on their finger.

 

I know what you mean. It took a long time for me to get used to the fact that people were getting married.

 

But now you know to do this first!

 

The dating pool does decrease as you progress into your 20s and beyond. It also changes in complexion. Divorcees enter the picture. Parents enter the picture. The commitment-minded people duck into long term relationships and the players hone their craft.

 

It does seem grim, now that I think about it.....

 

But listen, don't give up hope, and don't panic.

[Vicky89]

@ batya33.....

 

I do have to step out of my comfort zone or else nothing will happen. I guess being in my comfort zone has been more important than finding someone.

 

If only it was as simple as ordering something off Amazon and having the delivery man be single !

[LaHermes]

One thing to remember.

 

There are those who do not WEAR the ring on their finger. It is tucked away in the inside pocket......

[Wiseman2]

The workplace is not a singles bar or a dating app. Go to work to earn a living, get out socially and get on dating apps to find single guys to date. Make an effort rather than having crushes on married coworkers.

I met ONE guy at work that I actually like, he and I get on great, he is married.

[ThatwasThen]

Lots of men don't even wear their wedding ring so you can't count on that to suss out a married man. \\

 

It sounds to me that you are relying too much on safe place to meet people... like at work or places where you don't have to make any effort. As I mentioned earlier... try something else (like a meet up site) where you'll possibly meet a kindred spirit that is single. There are more concrete ways to discover if they are married then a wedding ring so don't be allowing yourself to become vulnerable to anyone until it's clear they are single. Saying in your mind that "they are off limits" while continuing to interact, flirt, do date like activities with isn't going to work to convince yourself that they are indeed "off limits."

 

What do you do to get yourself out there and therefor possibly put you in the sights of available men that are serious about meeting a life mate?

[Brokenheartedm]

Ill take ya out vicky!

[Wiseman2]

And this is the attitude you need to change. That all that's out there is married men looking to cheat, players etc. How come You are the common denominator in that?

There are those who do not WEAR the ring on their finger. It is tucked away in the inside pocket......

[Annia]

As someone who's probably almost your age with a string of "failed" relationships and flings and who used to feel desperate and that love didn't want nothing with me, what I learned is that the most desperate we are (even if we pretend we're not), the more we externalise that vibe and that scares men off. Not only that but our picker gets messed up and we end up choosing people who are not suitable for us. I agree with what everyone said, which is the same I'm choosing for myself. Get out of you comfort zone and try to meet people online and real life. Give it a try by actively putting yourself out there and date, but don't try too much nor put too much expectations. And also don't go into first dates already thinking about getting yourself a husband.

 

I'm an introvert too. This doesn't mean that we can't be a little more outgoing. It just means that we get exhausted and nervous in social situations that require dealing with lots of people. I've realised that I'm much more attractive to men when I'm carefree, relaxed and not feeling pressured to impress.

[JoeyD2000]

Well said!

 

I had a date the other night & physically she was fine, we chatted for 3 hours straight. Thing is she put me off as she was giving out the vibe that she needed to be saved.

 

Once upon a time I would of ignored this however from experience I know it's not worth it in the long run.

 

If you can come across confident in yourself that's attractive. Dont bring up babies & marriage on a first date as that creates pressure. It's meant to flow, in time if it's meant to be that will happen.

 

If you haven't had babies or never been married most guys should be able to work out the obvious without having to remind them 😊

[Vicky89]

@ JoeyD2000....

 

How does one give off desperate vibes ? I don't put myself out there for guys and the few times I have, I'm not saying I want kids and a ring on my finger, I don't even like kids, am just looking for a long term partner. I just never meet anyone where the attraction is mutual, it's either they like me am not interested because they happen to be way too old 20+ years older, or I like a guy who isn't interested in me. I don't know what magical thing I need to do to make it to where it's a mutual attraction.

 

You'd think that with all the people on this earth, finding someone to be with would be easy, but when you factor in that some are married, in current relationships, not interested, gay, too old, too young, half are your own gender so they are out, it's actually quite hard !

[Jibralta]

There are those who do not WEAR the ring on their finger.

 

Yes! one more thing to add to the list of complications...

[Batya33]

@ JoeyD2000....

 

How does one give off desperate vibes ? I don't put myself out there for guys and the few times I have, I'm not saying I want kids and a ring on my finger, I don't even like kids, am just looking for a long term partner. I just never meet anyone where the attraction is mutual, it's either they like me am not interested because they happen to be way too old 20+ years older, or I like a guy who isn't interested in me. I don't know what magical thing I need to do to make it to where it's a mutual attraction.

 

You'd think that with all the people on this earth, finding someone to be with would be easy, but when you factor in that some are married, in current relationships, not interested, gay, too old, too young, half are your own gender so they are out, it's actually quite hard !

 

No magic -just lots of putting yourself out there like a part time job (which is what I did). It's easier if you don't want kids because then you don't have to worry about your biological clock but it does eliminate men who want them and men who have joint/sole custody as understandably they'd want someone who would want to be a stepmom to their children. I worked crazy unpredictable hours and was in an intense grad program for 13 of the 24 years I was in the dating world on and off and I made the time to be out there in a variety of ways including on line, activities, volunteer work, religious activities, going on blind dates with people who set me up (because I told people -in a non-desperate way as much as possible - that I was looking to get married and wanted to meet someone single, available and potentially a good match for me). For me it was worth it. IMHO unless you really want a long term partner/marriage being out there in the singles scene/dating world, etc is not worth the time and aggravation.

[Clarisse]

Do you think that the fact that you don't have any friends and can't attract a man you're interested in could be related?

 

I do not mean that in a snarky way at all, but I think it's something to seriously consider. Even introverts usually have a small number close friends (I am an introvert myself). Maybe you have difficultly forming connections in general. Perhaps you're emotionally unavailable to men AND women.

 

Just a thought.

[Annia]

Do you think that the fact that you don't have any friends and can't attract a man you're interested in could be related?

 

I do not mean that in a snarky way at all, but I think it's something to seriously consider. Even introverts usually have a small number close friends (I am an introvert myself). Maybe you have difficultly forming connections in general. Perhaps you're emotionally unavailable to men AND women.

 

Just a thought.

 

This is a very interesting point of view. I'm an introvert too. I also feel that I have problems creating long lasting connections and it's not just because of others, is in great ways because of me and not exactly related with being an introvert. I'm trying to change that. I think the OP might be like that too and that's why this keeps on happening. Maybe she closes herself too much in her "dome" and doesn't let anyone in, or at least stay.