Struggling marriage after starting a family - is it normal?

[abitbroken]

Just because 3 people have said it does not mean it is the right thing to do for my family.

 

You did not say that "the baby sleeps with US" (by the way, they are NOT a baby - they are a TODDLER) meaning that you and hubby decided to be co-sleeping parents. No, its hubby in one room, you and the baby and the other. Besides, many experts recommend that babies be placed in a cosleeper attached to the bed lest the baby be rolled on. If you and hubby decided to cosleep - many cosleeping parents have sex in the day time. But in this case, baby is preventing intimacy because baby prevents husband and wife from sleeping together. Even if cosleeping parents have baby there - the intimacy of sleeping with eachother and that contact even if not sexual does LOADS to help your sex life. In this case, baby is used as a buffer and prevents dad from sleeping with mom.

 

In non westernized cultures, not ALL cosleeping is done because its "better" - often it is done because there is just one bedroom or one room. People who can afford a bedroom for children seprate from their parents - believe me, they are not all sleeping in the same bed when their fortunes change and there is enough room for the teens to have their own bedroom, the 7 year old to have their own bed, etc.

 

Taking a nap with baby who is ALMOST 2 YEARS OLD in your household at this point is preventing a toddler from self soothing and coming between you and your husband and saving your marriage is WAAAAAYY more important than a co-sleeping philosophy - which you probably don't have but are using as an excuse.

[Wiseman2]

Try not to derail your own thread with a cosleeping debate. Is this part of the anger and argumentativeness that happens at home?

 

You feel awful and your husband has one foot out the door. Go to therapy with him.

Do you have children? The crib is not necessarily where the baby always belongs.

[abitbroken]

I don't think you have to share a bed with him -many couples sleep apart for various reasons and have a healthy sex life BUT it depends on the reason.

 

If its because someone snores terribly or one is recovering from a surgery - but the rest of the marriage is fantastic and the move wasn't done with malice - then sure. But this marriage is suffering and choosing the two year old over the husband is one of the many things causing a wedge.

 

It is the saddest thing to hear from a husband that he feels lonely in his marriage. WAKE UP.

 

I guarantee if there is more physical contact with hubby every day even if its not always sex and hubby gets to physically sleep with his wife you will notice the snapping and the distance will improve. Do not let this man go to work to provide, come home, and feel lonely even if there are two other people in the house. If anything, if the toddler learns to sleep in their own bed, you can have them stay at Grandma and Grandpa's for a night sometimes so you can have a relaxed date with your husband. If the relationship with your husband is dead, your family dies and you are the single mom you apparently want to be with 100% focus on your child.

[Batya33]

If its because someone snores terribly or one is recovering from a surgery - but the rest of the marriage is fantastic and the move wasn't done with malice - then sure. But this marriage is suffering and choosing the two year old over the husband is one of the many things causing a wedge.

 

It is the saddest thing to hear from a husband that he feels lonely in his marriage. WAKE UP.

 

I guarantee if there is more physical contact with hubby every day even if its not always sex and hubby gets to physically sleep with his wife you will notice the snapping and the distance will improve. Do not let this man go to work to provide, come home, and feel lonely even if there are two other people in the house. If anything, if the toddler learns to sleep in their own bed, you can have them stay at Grandma and Grandpa's for a night sometimes so you can have a relaxed date with your husband. If the relationship with your husband is dead, your family dies and you are the single mom you apparently want to be with 100% focus on your child.

 

Yes, that is what I meant but I don't agree that the rest of the marriage has to be "fantastic" just that the sleeping apart doesn't have to do with negative feelings about one's partner or the co-sleeping situation. I would suggest transitioning the child into her own bed because it's not working for the family, and if not sleeping in the same room for whatever reason, cuddling every day/having affection every day (i.e. doesn't need to be sex).

[ThatwasThen]

I think it's high time you stopped being in 'mommy' mode and give 'wife' mode another chance.

 

We sleep in seperate beds as our daughter sleeps with me

This IS THE worst thing you could be doing for your own libido and your sexual/romantic connection to your husband so please get your daughter into her own bed and you get back into your marriage bed. Do this after you have booked a romantic night away with your hubby where a nice dinner and you are one another's focus. Get your mother or his mother to take your daughter overnight and start the process of re-connecting with your LIFE partner.

 

I have been with my husband from a young age (married 40 years this September) and you can't take off your 'wife' hat and replace it with the 'mommy' hat and expect your emotional connect to withstand the test of time. Start having once a week date nights where half the time you don't even have to go out. Put on the music, open a bottle of wine and just focus on one another for a few hours before you go to YOUR marital bed once the baby is in her crib and asleep.

 

You'll be surprised just how much you love and want one another when you re-realize why you are with one another to begin with. You're going to lose him if you don't make the effort. Just think how boring its going to be when it's just you and your daughter in that bed and sometimes not even that when it's his turn for visitation.

 

There's a wake up call for you, luv.

[Snny]

Just because 3 people have said it does not mean it is the right thing to do for my family.

The majority of the posters have shared perspectives to consider. I don't need to rehash everything they said, but I will leave you with another serious question:

 

Where is the partnership in this marriage?

 

You and your husband have to work together as a team and lay down some boundaries. You especially need to be a united force as the kids grow up, or it will tear your marriage apart. These boundaries needed to be discussed before the baby came; the living/sleeping arrangements, spending intimate time without the kid around, how to raise the child together, disciplining the child, etc. But he has came to you - with statements clear as day - saying he's feeling pushed out of this marriage based on things you are doing.

 

Your issues are all centered on marriage boundaries. Like everyone said, it gets tougher when you have a child together, but you accepted that challenge when you took on motherhood. This is the opportunity to start thinking about balancing yourself as a parent and a wife.

 

You need to make him feel like a teamplayer in this relationship, not just a guy who works and comes home to nothing.

[IAmFCA]

I think it's high time you stopped being in 'mommy' mode and give 'wife' mode another chance.

 

This IS THE worst thing you could be doing for your own libido and your sexual/romantic connection to your husband so please get your daughter into her own bed and you get back into your marriage bed. Do this after you have booked a romantic night away with your hubby where a nice dinner and you are one another's focus. Get your mother or his mother to take your daughter overnight and start the process of re-connecting with your LIFE partner.

 

I have been with my husband from a young age (married 40 years this September) and you can't take off your 'wife' hat and replace it with the 'mommy' hat and expect your emotional connect to withstand the test of time. Start having once a week date nights where half the time you don't even have to go out. Put on the music, open a bottle of wine and just focus on one another for a few hours before you go to YOUR marital bed once the baby is in her crib and asleep.

 

You'll be surprised just how much you love and want one another when you re-realize why you are with one another to begin with. You're going to lose him if you don't make the effort. Just think how boring its going to be when it's just you and your daughter in that bed and sometimes not even that when it's his turn for visitation.

 

There's a wake up call for you, luv.

 

Yes x 1000.

 

His dissatisfaction is a wake up call.

 

Your dissatisfaction with yourself and him is THE SAME wake up call.

 

You miss each other, and miss yourselves. You are internalizing it. He is asking someone else to help him.

 

You have the same problem. The same. The same! You are already together in your apartness! See this for the good sign that it is!

 

When I missed my romance with my exH, he didnt miss a thing. THAT was a blow. YOU have the compliment that he wants you. Woman this thing is so close to being right. See that!

[abitbroken]

My cousin focuses SOLELY on her little girls. There is nothing left for her husband. She does work - and when she comes home its always about what the little princesses want - not what their needs are. Husband is ignored from the minute she gets in the house and when she does have alone time with him, they are allowed to interrupt with any thing that pops into their head. When they go to an event that mommy isn't at - kid birthday party, Daddy/Daughter dance, spending the night at grandma's so grownups can go out or have a night - whatever - all they have to do is have their little lip quiver and call their mommy and she comes running even though it would be best for them to figure it out themselves. If I was at a kid birthday party and i didn't like the cake or didn't know enough kids there my parents would have never in a million years picked me up. I was expected to make new friends/make the best of things.

 

Guess what? Their marriage is in shambles. The only reason they are not divorced is a grandparent died and the counselor thought it was too much for the girls if they were to separate at that time and it would be too devastating for them. The kids, believe me, are clothed and fed. They don't want for anything and unfortunately their mother puts them first and they dictate her life instead of she and her husband are jointly the bosses in the house and nurture THEIR relationship because if they don't have a relationship, there is no family.

 

I highly suggest counseling for you. And if you want to save your marriage, put little princess in her own bed. That will be a start for you. Your husbands has very important needs, too, and I am not talking about sex. And he can't fulfill those needs of emotional closeness because you push him away.

[thealchemist]

Wow your story of a relationship has the same backdrop as mine. My wife and I met when she was 16 and i was 17. 13 years together and 6 married. We have a 27 month daughter. My wife had depression for about 9 months after our daughters birth. It sounds like you still have depression. Our relationship is great. Having a kid was really rough at first but we have passed that phase and now we have such a better relationship afterwards. My wife vented her feelings to me all the time when she was having a rough time. We worked though her issues together. If you don't communicate what the issue is then you can't try to work on anything. We both absolutely adore our daughter but i can't imagine how much having our daughter sleep in our bed would destroy any intimacy. I'm a dedicated husband and father. My wife and I share the responsibility of my daughter. If my wife ignored me and took total care of my daughter I would be miserable. If you dont get enough help or time to yourself then tell your husband. I had to take on more work that I even thought existed because I wanted to try to maintain a 3 to 4 times a week sex life. All I can say if it sounds like you might be killing your relationship to raise your child. It is better for EVERYONE if you distribute more responsibility to your husband and take more time for yourself. Then once you get in a better place start taking care of your daughter as a family and not by yourself. I feel a lot of closeness with my wife when we do stuff as family.

[tattoobunnie]

You both need to get it on!!!!!!

 

Sleep train that baby. Create a consistent bedtime routine. Have her sleep in a twin or full size bed if you are worried about safety, and read to her, then when she falls asleep, you get out of that bed, and go in your own bed with hubby. Or do a gate and Cry it Out method. Whatever you do, be consistent.

 

Get your date nights on, girl. Interview 20 babysitters if you have to, to find the right one. Go out and do something fun together without the toddler at least once a month.

 

You don't have a low libido - you give everything to your kid, and don't leave any room for yourself. STOP. You are no good to her or husband, or yourself if you don't at least save 10% for you.

 

This is totally normal - but it means you need to reach out, and make mom friends, don't be weird about leaning on family to watch once in a while. Or maybe it might help to go back to work Part-time while she's in a Pre-School program, which will get her ready for life! 24 months is a great time to sign up for a two hour program.

 

Tell your husband, that if he wants his wife back, just because you are a stay at home mom, doesn't mean, he shouldn't pitch in around the house.

 

Check out this article - very interesting!

 

The love for him is different because you aren't getting it on anymore.

[abitbroken]

You both need to get it on!!!!!!

 

Sleep train that baby. Create a consistent bedtime routine. Have her sleep in a twin or full size bed if you are worried about safety, and read to her, then when she falls asleep, you get out of that bed, and go in your own bed with hubby. Or do a gate and Cry it Out method. Whatever you do, be consistent.

 

Get your date nights on, girl. Interview 20 babysitters if you have to, to find the right one. Go out and do something fun together without the toddler at least once a month.

 

You don't have a low libido - you give everything to your kid, and don't leave any room for yourself. STOP. You are no good to her or husband, or yourself if you don't at least save 10% for you.

 

This is totally normal - but it means you need to reach out, and make mom friends, don't be weird about leaning on family to watch once in a while. Or maybe it might help to go back to work Part-time while she's in a Pre-School program, which will get her ready for life! 24 months is a great time to sign up for a two hour program.

 

Tell your husband, that if he wants his wife back, just because you are a stay at home mom, doesn't mean, he shouldn't pitch in around the house.

 

Check out this article - very interesting!

 

The love for him is different because you aren't getting it on anymore.

 

Your daughter is old enough to cry it out after some weeks of bed training. a 3 week old is NOt old enough to cry it out but a two year old child is! And at that age, they shouldn't even be crying it out because they are used to their toddler bed. Honestly, I would give up sleeping with the kid before asking anything more of husband around the house. He has reached out and said he is lonely - so that is the top priority before any of her other needs are met. Do it before he leaves the marriage because he doesn't feel he is married - he just feels like he brings a paycheck home to two women who don't need him

[Batya33]

Your daughter is old enough to cry it out after some weeks of bed training. a 3 week old is NOt old enough to cry it out but a two year old child is! And at that age, they shouldn't even be crying it out because they are used to their toddler bed. Honestly, I would give up sleeping with the kid before asking anything more of husband around the house. He has reached out and said he is lonely - so that is the top priority before any of her other needs are met. Do it before he leaves the marriage because he doesn't feel he is married - he just feels like he brings a paycheck home to two women who don't need him

 

I wouldn't do cry it out but I would do controlled crying -not the same thing. Weissbluth's book is the best guide on that IMO.

[tattoobunnie]

When it comes to kids, you can plan everything out. And you know what, it usually gets thrown out the window. Every kid is different! Every kid has their own set of needs.

 

I remember saying plenty of times pre-kids that my kid would be this, and I'd never have to do that. Yadda yadda yadda.

 

My point. No one has any right to tell you how to parent. We cosleep part of the night with our 17 month old, so he can nurse. And our 5 year old still comes in once in a blue moon after having a bad dream, and nothing wrong with that.

 

But I will say at 20 months, it's time to recorporate something for you. Mom friends, a girl night out, church, art, anything that connects you with you. Even it's only 2 hours a week.

 

Have a long talk about ways you two can reconnect, and figure out where and how he can help. Cuz hanging with a toddler 24/7 tanks sex drives.

 

And get a King size bed, even if you have a small room. Life saver.

[Anonykm]

When it comes to kids, you can plan everything out. And you know what, it usually gets thrown out the window. Every kid is different! Every kid has their own set of needs.

 

I remember saying plenty of times pre-kids that my kid would be this, and I'd never have to do that. Yadda yadda yadda.

 

My point. No one has any right to tell you how to parent. We cosleep part of the night with our 17 month old, so he can nurse. And our 5 year old still comes in once in a blue moon after having a bad dream, and nothing wrong with that.

 

But I will say at 20 months, it's time to recorporate something for you. Mom friends, a girl night out, church, art, anything that connects you with you. Even it's only 2 hours a week.

 

Have a long talk about ways you two can reconnect, and figure out where and how he can help. Cuz hanging with a toddler 24/7 tanks sex drives.

 

And get a King size bed, even if you have a small room. Life saver.

 

Thank you so much, to be honest I was a little disappointed and saddened that my post had turned into a co sleeping/child raising battle. That's not what I had intended. Your response made me feel positive and clear. Thank you! I really appreciate your advice

[Anonykm]

You both need to get it on!!!!!!

 

Sleep train that baby. Create a consistent bedtime routine. Have her sleep in a twin or full size bed if you are worried about safety, and read to her, then when she falls asleep, you get out of that bed, and go in your own bed with hubby. Or do a gate and Cry it Out method. Whatever you do, be consistent.

 

Get your date nights on, girl. Interview 20 babysitters if you have to, to find the right one. Go out and do something fun together without the toddler at least once a month.

 

You don't have a low libido - you give everything to your kid, and don't leave any room for yourself. STOP. You are no good to her or husband, or yourself if you don't at least save 10% for you.

 

This is totally normal - but it means you need to reach out, and make mom friends, don't be weird about leaning on family to watch once in a while. Or maybe it might help to go back to work Part-time while she's in a Pre-School program, which will get her ready for life! 24 months is a great time to sign up for a two hour program.

 

Tell your husband, that if he wants his wife back, just because you are a stay at home mom, doesn't mean, he shouldn't pitch in around the house.

 

Check out this article - very interesting!

 

The love for him is different because you aren't getting it on anymore.

 

Thank you for not judging me!!! So nice to hear some positive and very helpful advice. You're so right, I do tend to leave myself behind. I think that's just what I need to do, thank you!!

[Anonykm]

You did not say that "the baby sleeps with US" (by the way, they are NOT a baby - they are a TODDLER) meaning that you and hubby decided to be co-sleeping parents. No, its hubby in one room, you and the baby and the other. Besides, many experts recommend that babies be placed in a cosleeper attached to the bed lest the baby be rolled on. If you and hubby decided to cosleep - many cosleeping parents have sex in the day time. But in this case, baby is preventing intimacy because baby prevents husband and wife from sleeping together. Even if cosleeping parents have baby there - the intimacy of sleeping with eachother and that contact even if not sexual does LOADS to help your sex life. In this case, baby is used as a buffer and prevents dad from sleeping with mom.

 

In non westernized cultures, not ALL cosleeping is done because its "better" - often it is done because there is just one bedroom or one room. People who can afford a bedroom for children seprate from their parents - believe me, they are not all sleeping in the same bed when their fortunes change and there is enough room for the teens to have their own bedroom, the 7 year old to have their own bed, etc.

 

Taking a nap with baby who is ALMOST 2 YEARS OLD in your household at this point is preventing a toddler from self soothing and coming between you and your husband and saving your marriage is WAAAAAYY more important than a co-sleeping philosophy - which you probably don't have but are using as an excuse.

 

Actually, co sleeping is something that my husband have both agreed on and we are both happy to do that. We sleep in seperate beds because my husband gets a bad back and most nights ends up in the spare bed so he can move around more.

In my original post I stated that we sleep in seperate beds as a fact likely contributing to the our issues but I don't believe is the cause of ALL our issues. Yes, I do agree that having a TODDLER in our bed certainly prevents intimacy to some degree - and when we are both ready to move on from that we will do so together.

 

I believe that there are a lot of other contributing factors that are causing us to be distant in our marriage, not just this one.

[wom360]

Actually, co sleeping is something that my husband have both agreed on and we are both happy to do that. We sleep in seperate beds because my husband gets a bad back and most nights ends up in the spare bed so he can move around more.

In my original post I stated that we sleep in seperate beds as a fact likely contributing to the our issues but I don't believe is the cause of ALL our issues. Yes, I do agree that having a TODDLER in our bed certainly prevents intimacy to some degree - and when we are both ready to move on from that we will do so together.

 

I believe that there are a lot of other contributing factors that are causing us to be distant in our marriage, not just this one.

 

That's pretty naive. I get the impression you don't understand men, or your man. I also don't think you get what the consequences will be.

[Seraphim]

That's pretty naive. I get the impression you don't understand men, or your man. I also don't think you get what the consequences will be.

 

I think she does.

[Anonykm]

That's pretty naive. I get the impression you don't understand men, or your man. I also don't think you get what the consequences will be.

 

Of course I get what the consequences will be. That is why I posted in the first place, to seek kind, helpful advice from other parents who may have been in the same boat when starting a family.

I am a first time mum, learning and managing something new every day. I am trying my hardest to do the best I can for everyone in my family and yes I am not afraid to admit it that sometimes I do find motherhood difficult, here I am putting my hand up saying hey, is it normal to feel like this?

 

I think a lot of people have misread my post.

[Anonykm]

I think she does.

 

Thank you for your support

[Seraphim]

Of course I get what the consequences will be. That is why I posted in the first place, to seek kind, helpful advice from other parents who may have been in the same boat when starting a family.

I am a first time mum, learning and managing something new every day. I am trying my hardest to do the best I can for everyone in my family and yes I am not afraid to admit it that sometimes I do find motherhood difficult, here I am putting my hand up saying hey, is it normal to feel like this?

 

I think a lot of people have misread my post.

Everything is a learning curve . And there is no perfect parent or perfect spouse .

 

And no man lives by his genitals alone. And anyone of them who does probably needs to be ditched but that doesn't sound like your husband .

 

With a little self-care and reconnecting with your husband you guys will do OK .

[abitbroken]

Actually, co sleeping is something that my husband have both agreed on and we are both happy to do that. We sleep in seperate beds because my husband gets a bad back and most nights ends up in the spare bed so he can move around more.

In my original post I stated that we sleep in seperate beds as a fact likely contributing to the our issues but I don't believe is the cause of ALL our issues. Yes, I do agree that having a TODDLER in our bed certainly prevents intimacy to some degree - and when we are both ready to move on from that we will do so together.

 

I believe that there are a lot of other contributing factors that are causing us to be distant in our marriage, not just this one.

 

Even if you originally agreed philsophically, your baby is not a baby anymore. Cosleeping to more easily breastfeed in the first few months of life is different than what is going on now. Do not get a King bed. Get that husband in bed with you - no toddler he has to figure out how to sleep around and get a better mattress. Agreement or no agreement - you need first aid 911 on your marriage right now. It's barely on life support. Making the marital bed the marital bed again is so important. Work on those other issues too, but its been proven that when men feel respected by their wives and get physical affection it just goes better and they have more to give you as well. If my guy said he felt "lonely" in our relationship, I'd drop everything. I would make time for him, i would actively listen to him tell me about his day, etc, I would initiate physical touch. That is a HUGE statement for a man to make.

[tattoobunnie]

Even if you originally agreed philsophically, your baby is not a baby anymore. Cosleeping to more easily breastfeed in the first few months of life is different than what is going on now. Do not get a King bed. Get that husband in bed with you - no toddler he has to figure out how to sleep around and get a better mattress. Agreement or no agreement - you need first aid 911 on your marriage right now. It's barely on life support. Making the marital bed the marital bed again is so important. Work on those other issues too, but its been proven that when men feel respected by their wives and get physical affection it just goes better and they have more to give you as well. If my guy said he felt "lonely" in our relationship, I'd drop everything. I would make time for him, i would actively listen to him tell me about his day, etc, I would initiate physical touch. That is a HUGE statement for a man to make.

 

When you actually have kids, you would know you can't just drop them like a ton a bricks because their spouse feels "lonely". Sorry, it doesn't work like that.

 

It takes two to tangle, and two to get in and out of messes. We do not know if the husband is being supportive, and being a hands-on father, or helping around the house. We also do not know if the OP has a strong network of friends and family in the area that can help support said, "getting busy" time. My husband gets that he's not the first priority, and to not take it personally. But he helps me with chores and the kids, because he knows if he wants alone time, he needs to pitch in to make it happen. And, a 20 month old can't just sit around and fend for themselves. And you also can't leave them around soiled because hubby feels "lonely". We also don't know if the husband never tries to initiate or has, but always in times after she's exhausted herself with running around the kiddo all day.

[Snny]

When you actually have kids, you would know you can't just drop them like a ton a bricks because their spouse feels "lonely". Sorry, it doesn't work like that.

 

It takes two to tangle, and two to get in and out of messes. We do not know if the husband is being supportive, and being a hands-on father, or helping around the house. We also do not know if the OP has a strong network of friends and family in the area that can help support said, "getting busy" time. My husband gets that he's not the first priority, and to not take it personally. But he helps me with chores and the kids, because he knows if he wants alone time, he needs to pitch in to make it happen. And, a 20 month old can't just sit around and fend for themselves. And you also can't leave them around soiled because hubby feels "lonely". We also don't know if the husband never tries to initiate or has, but always in times after she's exhausted herself with running around the kiddo all day.

Good grief, That's not what she said. Toddler goes to bed - in their own bed. She wasn't talking about ignoring the child/forget to feed/crap themselves just to go have sex.

 

This thread has derailed into a crib vs. parent bed debate, and it's going to get closed. -_-

 

Thank you for not judging me!!!

Girl, please. You attempted to make a judgement comment at me after I asked a neutral question. LOL.

[abitbroken]

Good grief, That's not what she said. Toddler goes to bed - in their own bed. She wasn't talking about ignoring the child/forget to feed/crap themselves just to go have sex.

 

This thread has derailed into a crib vs. parent bed debate, and it's going to get closed. -_-

 

 

Girl, please. You attempted to make a judgement comment at me after I asked a neutral question. LOL.

 

Indeed. The parents - husband and wife are the anchors and the primaries in a family. If they don't nurture their relationship there is no family - its two single parents. When two parents love eachother and it visually shows to kids, its been proven that children are more self-assured and confident - there is more certainty. If the husband feels that he is alone in a relationship - that is a big wake up call. The husband and wife should have a partnership - dad is not a spare person that just brings home the money. THe difference, Tattoobunnie is that husband DOES get your time. There is time when you BOTH hustle to do house chores, etc, knowing that after the kids go off to sleep you have quiet time together even if there is no sex. There are probably dates where its grownup time without the kids, etc., too.