It's been a while

[AMC1995]

Hello my babes. It's been like what? 3 months now since I last posted. Been here off and on stalking people. Alot has happened since then.

I broke NC a few times. I knew what I was doing. I knew that it wasn't the best idea, but I missed her like crazy. I wanted to be able to be chill and talk to her and everything was great the first time i contacted her. The next few times however, I became, desperate, sad, hurt about us being broken up. Last time we talked, about late March, I sort of just confessed everything to her. That I loved her and missed her. That I still dream about us being together, how it hurt to be separated. I know, I knew even then that telling her this wasn't going to bring her back and maybe even hurt my chances if there was any, but I still.. was too hot headed and felt compelled to tell her. I wish I was strong enough to keep my cool.

 

There is one thing that I told her, that still haunts me. That keeps me with regret and Hurts me to this day. I told her that, I hated that she got into Brown University. Yeah, I was jealous, I need to work on myself and not compare myself with others achievements, but I think the reason why I had those feelings of her acceptance to Brown, was because her acceptance was basically the catalyst into us breaking up. Not because of my jealousy,im sure that's a part of it however, but because of the Long distance. TO this day,she says that was the reason, and no, I didn't pester her about why we broke up, it came up on it's own. I'd tried my best to keep my feelings in-check when we were dating, to support her and help her in anyway I could. I'm happy that she got into her dream school, I just wish these negative feelings weren't there. I wish I worded what I said to her differently the last time we called, more importantly I wish I hadnt had those emotions. I still support her and wish the best for her at Brown. I wish I was a better man. I hope, she knows that it wasnt pure jealousy why I felt that way.I dont know what to do other than just to move on. Im going to see a counselor for this, but right now, Im focusing on my studies since Im transferring to UC santa Cruz this fall coming. I need to keep my grades up so they wont rescind my admission.

 

I guess after a few months of being alone, doing my own thing, I've sort of felt a bit clearer about my actions in the past. Yea, im still heartbroken, but the pain is manageable. It really doesn't inhibit my school work. I miss her everyone. I miss my best friend. just ughhhghghghghghgh haha, MY DUDESSSSSSS, why is life so hardddd lmao. I want to tell her I'm sorry, but.. I'd say sorry alot over things that I do sometimes, things that really didn't even merit an apology, moreso I said it for .. i guess courtesy if I thought something troubled her? I dont know how to explain it. When I tried to win her back, she told me that it was time to move on, and to not be spend so much energy. She's right. I had been trying to move on, but the thoughts of her.. her happiness and joy, me missing out on that, it really took a dagger into my heart. That's why I wanted to be a part of her life again.

 

Why did I have to say that I hated that she got into Brown. Why couldn't I have just worded it better. This guilt, How long will it last? It hurts alot sometimes. I pray to god that she knows me well enough and that I didnt say it out of mal-intent or that I would take her spot. I pray that she knows that.. this was something I'd been wrestling with myself and that I never meant to mean her harm or guilt. Life.. really is unexpected my boys. I hope someday, I can talk to her and laugh again. That we can be happy relationship or not. I miss her, and everything she stands for. It hurts me seeing her make new friends and develop strong new bonds. Of course she's living her own life now, she has no reason not to, but I'm just reminded of how we both could tell eachother anything and just around. Believe it or not, we had planned to stay intouch after our last call in late March, but when I tried to text her, she didn't respond. I tried a couple of times in April, but nothing. The last messages I ended up saying to her was basically telling her that I missed her alot and that I wish we could be comftorable with eachother again. Yeah I know, no this is a sign from her to stop texting. I knew that even when i spammed her that day, but for whatever reason I just did it. It's been a month since I've texted her, maybe to her relief. That hurts to even think it's a relief to her but hey, Life goes on huh?

 

I dont know what I'm looking for in responses, maybe criticism about how I could've worded what I told her better, maybe companionship from the members here, maybe stories and parallels about what other users have done. Honestly, I want to hear that what I did wasnt so bad, but I think I might need to live with this regret, to grow and mature. Of course it's not for her, but for myself. I want to be happy again with myself. I'm not a depressed person, even now, but these lingering thoughts.. they can kill my mood sometimes. I need foresight. wisdom. Friends.

 

I dont want to be on this site for much longer to be honest. I want to be able to just live without much worries and anxiety about the BU and my ex's thoughts about me, and I feel like staying in this site might have those feelings stay longer, I dont know, but for now atleast, I wouldnt mind some conversation from the members here.

 

Excuse my grammar by the way, I'm not the best when it comes writing haha

[Wiseman2]

Where are you going to school? Yeah it's better to end it than go long distance especially both of you should get involved in your college lives and have the freedom to do that. Delete and block her from all devices and social media so you won't be tempted to text.

[AMC1995]

Where are you going to school? Yeah it's better to end it than go long distance especially both of you should get involved in your college lives and have the freedom to do that. Delete and block her from all devices and social media so you won't be tempted to text.

 

I'm going to UC Santa Cruz. And we were already Long distance before. Im in Cali while she's on the east coast right now. She's about to enter University while i'm still in Community College about to transfer. Too late for blocking haha, she had already blocked me the day after we broke up. In a way, that helped me move on a bit more, but I hope this isn't permanant. Yeah, I need alot more time to heal, but.. it would be a shame if we never talked to eachother again, and not as catchup either.

[Wiseman2]

Great school. Get involved in everything there now that you're a free man.

I'm going to UC Santa Cruz.

[AMC1995]

Great school. Get involved in everything there now that you're a free man.

 

I'm excited for a new life there. New friends and new activities. I hope to make something of myself there,but more importantly, I hope to become a stronger person. Still, there's some things about myself I want to work on before I get there. I dont't want to make the same mistakes, or the very least, dont want to make as badly mistakes there.

 

I just learned I got accepted a few weeks ago. That's prompt up my regret and thoughts about all this. I'd imagine that I would be hurt if someone told me they thought negatively about me getting in. I can't change how I felt before, but .. I wish I put it to me ex lightly, or the very least.. maybe not even have told her at all. There are time and places where things ought to be said or not. I just hope she doesnt think of ill of me.

[J Miracle]

Cali? Do you mean California?

 

You dont need this grief. You should be stoked about going to Santa Cruz brah, hella girls. Hella skim boarding and dispensaries. Shred it, get pitted brah. Youll be a tube hound in no time. dont blow your own high on this straggler.

[AMC1995]

Cali? Do you mean California?

 

You dont need this grief. You should be stoked about going to Santa Cruz brah, hella girls. Hella skim boarding and dispensaries. Shred it, get pitted brah. Youll be a tube hound in no time. dont blow your own high on this straggler.

 

Yee California haha.

 

And yes, I agree I shouldn't be hurting myself like this. She just meant alot to me. Still does, but right now, my own happiness comes before hers in my healing.

[imfinna]

When I read this, I felt like you were projecting the future relations of me and the guy I've just come to an end with...which made me sad to hear but also made me feel a hope. A new hope of healing, loving, accepting and happiness.

 

I keep reminding myself "this too shall pass," that time heals everything and life will go on--it's just a period of time that will one day be looked back on with a different perspective.

 

And I hear ya on the whole being on this site thing, I feel a semblance of that but it's been nice in helping me make good decisions for a healthy path for myself and until I'm really walking and striding down that path, I think this site and everyone on it will be really helpful to getting there.

 

I've been clinging onto this quote:

"Always believe that something wonderful is about to happen"

 

It has been a nice additive to my thoughts. I hope the same for you. And I hope you'll find yourself in the place you want to be sooner than later.

 

Thanks for the sense of relatability.

[AMC1995]

When I read this, I felt like you were projecting the future relations of me and the guy I've just come to an end with...which made me sad to hear but also made me feel a hope. A new hope of healing, loving, accepting and happiness.

 

I keep reminding myself "this too shall pass," that time heals everything and life will go on--it's just a period of time that will one day be looked back on with a different perspective.

 

And I hear ya on the whole being on this site thing, I feel a semblance of that but it's been nice in helping me make good decisions for a healthy path for myself and until I'm really walking and striding down that path, I think this site and everyone on it will be really helpful to getting there.

 

I've been clinging onto this quote:

"Always believe that something wonderful is about to happen"

 

It has been a nice additive to my thoughts. I hope the same for you. And I hope you'll find yourself in the place you want to be sooner than later.

 

Thanks for the sense of relatability.

 

No thank you for the kind words. There's no shame in putting your happiness first, but that doesnt mean one should ignore their past regressions either. That's something that's been hard for me, even worse when I dont even know how my ex took it. I'm just left in a void of " what ifs". I'm just trying to take it one step at a time.

[imfinna]

I'm just left in a void of " what ifs". I'm just trying to take it one step at a time.

 

Another quote I've been clinging to is "Find peace in the unknown" because life is always a bunch of what ifs, mustn't dwell on them though or we become stagnant and nothing grows in stagnation. Gotta let go of things to create space for betterment

[AMC1995]

Another quote I've been clinging to is "Find peace in the unknown" because life is always a bunch of what ifs, mustn't dwell on them though or we become stagnant and nothing grows in stagnation. Gotta let go of things to create space for betterment

 

Yea you're right. I hurt myself sometimes just thinking of the past. Y'know? hard to let go of that sometimes haha. I wouldn't take back what we had, it was great, but now, I'd had to focus on myself.