Am i thinking too much into my relationship with a close friend?

[soulman00]

Hello.

 

First time I have turned to an online forum for advice on relationships. Shows how desperate I am? Its driving me nuts!

 

I am 32 years old and enjoy a very platonic relationship with a girl. Known her for almost 4 years but deeply only for 2. We are very close and talk everyday. Little details too.

 

She recently travelled out of town for about a week to attend a cousin's wedding. I knew she would be busy and that we probably wouldn't message each other for a few days or very intermittently at best. I was okay with that but then it turned out she didn't message me for 5 days straight. She now tells me that she was waaaaaaaaay too busy and didn't even get time to herself. That's understandable too I guess. The day she returned I gave her a quick call to see if she was okay. Our little town had been hit with floods and the roads getting home were a tad bit dangerous to drive on. I was stuck for two hours before I called her. I eventually reached home after 3 and a half hours when on a normal day it would take me only 20minutes. I was a bit surprised that she didn't message to ask if I had even reached home or decided to stick it up elsewhere for the night.

 

The next day she was off from work and just took that time to rest it out. Again, not a single word from her. This is opposed to the constant messaging we normally do. I was deeply upset with this behavior because that is quite unlike us.

 

The day after that I decided to speak to her about it. She was quite normal and thought her behavior with me was normal too. I asked her why she didn't send me a single message. Just a simple hello and chat for a few minutes. She said she was just tired from her trip and recuperating. And I asked her, she couldn't take out 5 minutes to talk to me? She said no and didn't see anything wrong with that. I was shocked. This is someone who shares the most minute details with me. Now it was like I was a stranger.

 

2 days later and she still maintains the same. We are not on talking terms at the moment. Very small detail to fight over but I can't fathom the fact it was something very minor to her - not talking to me for over a week. I feel her friendship comes with conditions now? That she will blank me when she wants to? Do friends really do that? If we were casual friends, that's understandable but here we are too close.

 

Am I wrong?

[RainyCoast]

you are wrong.

[Keyman]

I'm not from a small town, so maybe this is something that happens in a very small community, I'm not sure. But for only being in a platonic relationship, you are very needy for her attention. Perhaps it was during this time that she was away that she realised how needy the communications between you both are and is moving to distance herself a little, considering you are 'only friends'.

[j.man]

Of course you're wrong. She's not committed to you and if she decides she wants to have "me time" with or without warning, that's her prerogative.

 

I also roll my eyes when women pull the whole "he didn't make sure I got home OK" routine, so you better believe it goes double when a guy pulls it. I'm sure she had plenty of people she knew out there dealing with the minor flooding, assuming she didn't have to deal with it herself as well. She should be able to assume you're all situationally aware and competent people and that she doesn't need to play the role of volunteer police dispatcher, keeping tabs to make sure everyone's OK.

 

Should I venture a guess as to whose idea it is to keep this "relationship" platonic? You're overstepping and in a big way and I think it's pretty clear why.

[Andrina]

You have to realize that friendships throughout your life will evolve, change, grow, lessen, and sometimes end. The type of friendship you're speaking of, with daily contact, is something I only experienced as a teenager, when I was less unencumbered by the responsibilities of an adult life. If this was an exclusive romantic relationship, yes, you would expect daily contact when apart. For a friendship, this is a choice and if the person chooses not to contact you, it's not something to call her out on. It's something you have to accept. And the wake up call is, that if she one day has a romantic partner, the friendship she has with you will most likely lessen anyway, or even end, so get used to fewer interactions.

 

I don't know if you have the goal of finding a love match. If so, you might consider that all the emotional energy you pour into the friend is preventing you from connecting to a potential partner. And if you don't have any other friends, solely relying on that one friend for all of your friendship needs is likely smothering for her. Sounds like it's time to expand on your world as far as your social life goes. Good luck.

[RainyCoast]

I also roll my eyes when women pull the whole "he didn't make sure I got home OK" routine, so you better believe it goes double when a guy pulls it. I'm sure she had plenty of people she knew out there dealing with the minor flooding, assuming she didn't have to deal with it herself as well. She should be able to assume you're all situationally aware and competent people and that she doesn't need to play the role of volunteer police dispatcher, keeping tabs to make sure everyone's OK.

this has always irked me so much. like, if i panic for no reason at all, it's a sign i care?? here's the deal, yes we heard that there was bad weather. maybe we were too busy to follow the reports on exactly how bad it was. maybe we did hear how bad it was and didn't use "omg omg omg are you okayyyy bub??? talk to me are you safeeee?" to show our friendship because if something were to happen you would really benefit more from road/toe service, an ambulance or whoever is equipped to deal with accidents in such conditions (and actually close enough to do something about it), and we do realize that if you ended up in a hospital someone would let us know.

 

the pseudo-romantic-tragic-pathos-infused infantile outbursts are simply not how people usually choose to express their affection.

 

your mother, and a spouse who does so rationally, can pull the "did you get there safely" texts off without being ridiculous or annoying.

 

and please, she was traveling, i am assuming she didn't sit in a room somewhere scratching her b*tt (and if she did, to get away from everything, then it's even more legitimate that she wouldn't answer calls or texts), and then she was tired. and when you get home usually there's stuff to be done in preparation for the next work week and similar so you're not exactly excited to start answering pointless needy texts and calls.

 

a week. and a day of rest. for crikes sake, yes, it is legitimate to take a week and a day of rest for oneself.

[soulman00]

Thank you for taking the time out j.man and Keyman.

 

That was harsh to hear but much needed I guess. I would like to point out one or two things.

 

A little twist to the tale. We actually work together! I realise I may appear too needy for her attention and hence I try and keep my distance. We talk endlessly at work (get work done too) and because I understand we are friends only I give her space in the evening and never am the first to message. However on most days, she ends up chatting away to me. Even when I step out of the office for a lunch break, I never message her and she ends up messaging me. If I need to step out for an errand, she looks for ways for helping me so that I do not have to step out. In this case it would appear she is the needy one but I don't take it as such. If she realizes that I haven't ordered for my lunch yet, she reminds me and even does the ordering for me. She will even set it all up with the cutlery and drink I need. She looks after me a lot like that.

 

That is why I find it strange when she needs some away time from me. I wouldn't mind if she told me she needed the space, but just blanking me outright? If she had messaged me to tell me that she's had a rough week and not herself and needs time, I would accept that easily. But without saying anything?

[yatsue]

Thank you for taking the time out j.man and Keyman.

 

That was harsh to hear but much needed I guess. I would like to point out one or two things.

 

A little twist to the tale. We actually work together! I realise I may appear too needy for her attention and hence I try and keep my distance. We talk endlessly at work (get work done too) and because I understand we are friends only I give her space in the evening and never am the first to message. However on most days, she ends up chatting away to me. Even when I step out of the office for a lunch break, I never message her and she ends up messaging me. If I need to step out for an errand, she looks for ways for helping me so that I do not have to step out. In this case it would appear she is the needy one but I don't take it as such. If she realizes that I haven't ordered for my lunch yet, she reminds me and even does the ordering for me. She will even set it all up with the cutlery and drink I need. She looks after me a lot like that.

 

That is why I find it strange when she needs some away time from me. I wouldn't mind if she told me she needed the space, but just blanking me outright? If she had messaged me to tell me that she's had a rough week and not herself and needs time, I would accept that easily. But without saying anything?

 

What she does for you doesn't matter, and doesn't make her needy. It makes her a nice, friendly person who likes your company. It would make her needy if she complained to you about how little attention you give her when she does all this stuff for you. That is the difference. You mistake a close friendship with someone as a person that should cater to your every need/feelings. Rather, it should be a person who you enjoy your time with while respecting their autonomy and boundaries.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you would like to be more than friends and she's sensing it and pulling away. She may have met someone and needs to focus on that or just enjoyed freedom and fun on her trip..

 

You treated her as if she's a gf and she's not. Plus friend or gf, don't get clingy or over-attached or possessive or make anyone the center of your universe.

 

Let things cool off, lay back and rethink your friendships and relationship so that you have other friends, hobbies, activities, interests, etc. to keep you busy. This is the problem 00;6815315]we are too close.

[Careerchoice]

I get the feeling that you like this girl and would like to date her.

[soulman00]

Thank you all for your advice.

 

I have a lot to think about and work on. I will definitely try to improve myself.

 

Thank you