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Why can't I let go? (long post)

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I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months and I found out I was pregnant 2 months after we were together. We got together and things moved quickly because we were in college and spending all our time together. From the beginning, I knew we weren't meant to be because of the things he would do as far as texting other girls and disrespecting me verbally. When I found out I was pregnant I had mixed feelings because we both played basketball and I didn't want to sacrifice everything I had if he wasn't going to be here for me and my baby. He begged me to keep the baby and said he would always be here for me. He's from memphis TN and i'm from houston TX so I wasn't thinking about all of this at the time. I wasn't thinking about how he acts every time he would go home on break, he would treat me like crap and hardly talk to me. on christmas break, even saw a girl tag him in a post on facebook saying he was so funny and when i asked him about it he said it was his friend's gf which didn't make sense but I left it alone. He came to houston the last week of christmas break and a girl text his phone asking him "where the f you at" and when I asked him about it he said the girl was just crazy and he don't know why she text his phone because he hasn't talked to her in years. I don't know why I believed all of this but I guess my self esteem has been broken down so much and I feel like I deserve this type of treatment. I don't know, I couldn't tell you why I stay. He would do things to provoke me into getting mad and then say it's my fault why we argue. He let everyone believe I was crazy and they all think he's a saint because he's such a people person and I stay to myself. I noticed that when we're at school, he always wants to be with me and doesn't like for me to have friends at school or talk to my friends back home. But when school ended (Last friday, may 5th) and I came back home and he went home, things completely changed. we would always talk on the phone or be together but it's like as soon as he got home he didn't even call me that night and we haven't fell asleep on the phone since we were at school. Since last friday, he's been "busy" and I hardly talk to him but when I bring it up and tell him that I feel pushed to the side he accuses me of acting crazy for saying that or tripping. I honestly don't have anyone here for me besides my cousin and I know she has problems of her own so I try not to bother her but I don't have parents that are here for me so I kind of clinged to him for everything. I've always been the one to pay for everything and do his work sometimes. he's never did anything for me and when I needed help to pay for my doctor's appointment I told him and he didn't offer to help but then the same day he asked me to take him to mcdonalds. i'm like ok so I told you I needed help with my appointment but you acted like you didn't have any money. and he was like I only have $20 i'm like okay anything could've helped. like he doesn't get it. he's so selfish but honestly he's a great person with others I guess I just allow him to treat me that way. I don't understand why though? As soon as he got home, we hardly talk. I told him I hate being without him and my life sucks and I don't know what to do without him and his reply was "get some friends" like that really hurt.. he says he cares and wants to be with me and my baby girl. when we discussed how we would make this relationship work being in two different states with a baby, he said he would move to houston with me. now that we both back at home, he's saying that he has stuff to take care of out there and he has to get his self together. any time I call him on the phone he answers laughing or smiling but i'm on the other end depressed and sad and as soon as we start talking I get happy then I bring up how I feel pushed to the side and he gets mad and gets in a bad mood. I don't feel like he should do that when I tell him how I feel about something. he says I'm acting crazy and act like he's with females or something but he's not doing anything but being with his family. I told him I never accused him of being with other females and I get that things will be a little different now that he's back home but at the same time they shouldn't be completely different.


I shouldn't have to settle for a dry conversation when we text..

it goes like this

him: what you doing?

me: *tells him what i'm doing*

him: Aw.


like I don't wanna text if it's going to be like that. we don't even talk at night it's like he doesn't even want me anymore. I gave him all of me. I sacrificed my scholarship to have this baby and I feel like i've lost everything. He still has it all. I have a scholarship to go play basketball again in the fall but i'm going to have my baby in july and I won't have anyone to help me with her since the school is out of state and i'm going to be by myself. he said he would go to school with me and sacrifice a year just like I did so we both can get back into the swing of college basketball but come to find out, he's going to college in alabama and everything he ever said to me was a lie. how can someone not care about messing up someone else's life like that? or I shouldn't say he messed up my life because I chose to believe him. but how can you just live your life and not care how mine is going? I've done everything for myself since I been pregnant like he doesn't rub my back, get up and get things for me. he was so lazy at school and asked me get up to do things for him like make him popcorn or something. I just feel like i'm pregnant so I should be getting special treatment from my man. I wanted a family, a husband eventually. I'm 19 btw and he's 20. he's just so immature and feels like he has no responsibility. i'm at home pregnant as ever (7 months pregnant) and depressed. won't leave my bed unless it's to eat, won't go out with friends because I really just want him. he's so busy living his life and I don't know how to deal with this change. I never wanted to raise a baby alone but that's exactly what i'm going to do when he goes back to college and i'm probably going to just stay home. I shouldn't have to settle for occasional visits, he should be a man and be with us. I already know he's going to find someone else and use them just like he used me. like sometimes I ask myself is it me? would he treat someone else the way he does me? he said he never treated anyone like he does me so I feel like it's my fault. I don't know if it's because he just doesn't know how to be in a committed relationship or if it's because he really never wanted me. but it all hurts the same. I don't feel like I'll ever get through this. How can someone's feelings change so fast especially when he begged me to keep this baby? I'm so hurt. I feel like God's not listening and don't understand why God is putting me through this. I just want a family. I don't want to be a single mom or be without him because I love him so much. I'm not naive to just not know the manipulative things he does but it's almost like I rather put up with it than to lose him to someone else. I don't know how to let go. I feel if I stick around while he's immature and wait for him to grow up then things will work out. However, I've already lost myself and everything I had and I don't think I have the strength to wait around for something with the chances of it not happening. I have to become stronger for my daughter and for the next man that comes along. I just don't know how. I don't fully believe that I can move on from this or that another man will come around. As I keep saying, I just want a family because I grew up without both parents. I always told myself that I wouldn't let my children grow up the same way, that I would be smarter. I fell in love and now I'm heartbroken with a baby on the way and no hope.

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Sorry to hear this. Do you have other family to help you? He doesn't want any part of this. Who is supporting you? Go to social services for help.

I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months. I sacrificed my scholarship to have this baby. I just want a family.
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