Is my GF being insensitive by posting this on Facebook on my birthday?

[Informed101]

I am asking a question I feel I know the answer to because my GF plays everything off like it's always me and she's never in the wrong.

 

So here's my question: First, my GF does not list herself on her FB as being "in a relationship." We dated / lived together about four years ago for a year and half. Back in October 2016 we started dating again. We probably spend the night together at least three or four nights a week.

 

She often posts pics of herself, always looking hot and never goofy pics, and most of the pics elicit responses from guys saying how they love her or how beautiful and amazing she is, etc. Guys are always flirting with her on FB. She responds to these comments with a "like." I have no idea what communications/messages she sends, if any, with her FB friends.

 

Almost all of the comments and likes are from men.

 

I have expressed to her that this seeking of attention makes me uncomfortable but she responds stating she is free to live her life. (As though facebook was "living.") Of course this is true....and she's free to ruin a real world relationship as well, is my thinking. Just because you are free to do something doesn't mean there aren't consequences.

 

She even calls these people her "fans" but she is not a singer, actor, writer, etc. Anyway, today is my birthday and of all days she posts a "Facebook memory" from this same date, that is my birthday, from a year. The photograph is her on a boat, probably a 40 foot boat expensive looking boat She is laying down on the front of the boat and the caption says my Girlfriend's name "with" this other guy and it states his name. He is also laying down on the front of the boat. When you click on his facebook page photos it's clear he's a player. Is she being insensitive by posting this photo on my birthday? After all, she already posted it once and it remains in her FB photo album. Thoughts?

[Wiseman2]

It's not a matter of right/wrong. She just loves the attention from guys. She fancies herself as some celebrity.

 

Your bday has nothing to do with this. Why can't you see her in person for your bday? A bday fb post to a bf is rather lame compared to whatever she does in real life.

 

Why did you break up previously? Is she a party girl?

I have expressed to her that this seeking of attention makes me uncomfortable but she responds stating she is free to live her life. She even calls these people her "fans"

[mustlovedogs]

If you don't like it, end it. She's free to do what she wants. It's up to you how it makes you feel.

[j.man]

I think you're just getting what often comes with the territory when it comes to someone who's constantly looking out for the next ego boost. Her posting the pic probably had little, if anything to do with you, which speaks to the kinda mindless self-centeredness you've already been made aware of. Do I think it was a pretty d1ck move? Sure. But I don't think it's anything you can be surprised by at this point.

 

I think you need to take a good look at who your girlfriend is and ask yourself if you'd have been better off staying apart.

[Jibralta]

It's not so much about what's right and wrong as it is about what you feel comfortable with. You can't change people. They will either respect your feelings or they won't. Personally, I wouldn't stay with someone who doesn't care about my feelings. But to each their own.

[Starlight925]

Yes, I think it's insensitive. And I think it's even more insensitive that you've discussed this with her, yet she maintains that it's only her "fans". Which, by the way, .

 

Attention-seeking, ego-boost-needing, insecure, needy. Yeah, that about covers it.

[Informed101]

Sorry, forgot to include the quote.

[Informed101]

I think you're just getting what often comes with the territory when it comes to someone who's constantly looking out for the next ego boost. Her posting the pic probably had little, if anything to do with you, which speaks to the kinda mindless self-centeredness you've already been made aware of. Do I think it was a pretty d1ck move? Sure. But I don't think it's anything you can be surprised by at this point.

 

I think you need to take a good look at who your girlfriend is and ask yourself if you'd have been better off staying apart.

 

Thank you for the well-reasoned response. Ultimately, the question you refer to is the question I think I have to consider....and which has been running through my mind a lot.

[Jeetsun]

As others have mentioned she seems very self centered and looks for attention wherever she can get the validation from other males. In my experience, if a girl can't validate herself and find self esteem within she will constantly seek attention from guys outside the relationship, they are more inclined to be having inappropriate conversations behind your back with other guys and can act on impulse and possibly cheat. You told her how you felt about this issue and she wasn't concerned about your concern. I'd bounce.

[abitbroken]

I don't post my relationship status on Facebook. Its one less thing for internet search engines to attach to my identity. People that matter and that I matter to know my relationship status. If she's saying "its complicated" as a relationship status - then that's a problem perhaps. But posting NO relationship status should not bother you

[Informed101]

I don't agree. I think ere are times when there is a "right" and a "wrong".....a "selfish" versus "empathetic." Call it right or wrong, positive or negative, but I think there are certain values unless we want to say we live in a value-void society where anything is okay. That sounds very detached from reality to me and detached from the real world. Yes, I get you can't forcibly change people.....but isn't growth and learning all about change? If we live in a house that is livable but the kitchen sink is broken do we move out or try and remedy the kitchen sink? Perhaps this is just my observation but it seems many of today's generations think relationships just happen. They either work or they don't. I remember years ago having a conversation with an 80 something year old lady whose husband had recently passed. She told me "there were times I wanted to kill that bastard but we loved each other so we made it work. That's the problem with you young people today. You want everything to be easy and you are afraid to work." Underscoring this sociology are some interesting stats....e.g., people getting married late or not at all and many people not having children at all. I guess we'll know the ramifications of these issues in the next few decades to come. Sorry for the digression

[Wiseman2]

She doesn't want to change. Unfortunately you've already brought it to her attention and she had a 'so what?, deal with it' response.

isn't growth and learning all about change?

[Informed101]

As others have mentioned she seems very self centered and looks for attention wherever she can get the validation from other males. In my experience, if a girl can't validate herself and find self esteem within she will constantly seek attention from guys outside the relationship, they are more inclined to be having inappropriate conversations behind your back with other guys and can act on impulse and possibly cheat. You told her how you felt about this issue and she wasn't concerned about your concern. I'd bounce.

 

Actually, that was a problem in the past when we dated previously.....and it is a nagging concern now. It's a situation where my bring says one thing and my heart wants to believe another and give her the benefit of all the doubts.

[Informed101]

It's not a matter of right/wrong. She just loves the attention from guys. She fancies herself as some celebrity.

 

Your bday has nothing to do with this. Why can't you see her in person for your bday? A bday fb post to a bf is rather lame compared to whatever she does in real life.

 

Why did you break up previously? Is she a party girl?

 

Yes, she was a party girl and unreliable and unfaithful. I'm hoping she grew out of these traits.

[Wiseman2]

Leopards don't change their spots. She could be 50 and doing this histrionic crap.

Yes, she was a party girl and unreliable and unfaithful. I'm hoping she grew out of these traits.

She gets very angry pretty easy.

She's drunk.

So she's drunk Friday night and now Sunday. She thinks its okay to go do shots with some guy she meets at her "job" at 1:00 a.m.

[J Miracle]

Stop taking social media so seriously. Its just another platform for behavior that would most likely exist in some way with or without Facebook.

 

Your with some sort of attention hungry socialite. Stop keeping tabs on her facebook likes and either Take it or leave it.

[Annia]

I think what she does on facebook is not relevant nor would I care about facebook relationship status, what's important is that you seem to think that her character and values don't align with yours. Now it's up to you to decide if this is the type of woman you want to be your girlfriend and if it's a deal breaker or not.

[Starlight925]

The thing is, Facebook is merely the vehicle, but I do believe that it shows a lot about a person's behavior. People always say that it's "just social media", but that is a huge way we communicate today. Like all things new from the past 20 years that are now major, massive parts of our lives: email, texting, websites, and forums such as this.

 

She is using Facebook as a means to garner attention from the opposite sex. Sure, you can ignore it and say "it's just Facebook", but it's her postings on Facebook. It's the way she's showing the rest of her world who she is, and what she really wants.

[Annia]

Actually, that was a problem in the past when we dated previously.....and it is a nagging concern now. It's a situation where my bring says one thing and my heart wants to believe another and give her the benefit of all the doubts.

 

When two people get back together if they didn't work on the problems that broke the relationship before, the same problems will arise again when they rekindle the relationship.

[boltnrun]

She won't "grow out of these traits" if she's having fun.

 

I bet if you asked her (have you already?) to stop with the incessant selfies and attention-seeking, she'd say she won't. She's enjoying it way too much.

 

Sure, you can sit there and hope and wish and wait for her to "change"...but for how long? And how much damage will her "insensitivity" do to your emotional well being?

[Jibralta]

I don't agree. I think ere are times when there is a "right" and a "wrong".....a "selfish" versus "empathetic." Call it right or wrong, positive or negative, but I think there are certain values unless we want to say we live in a value-void society where anything is okay. That sounds very detached from reality to me and detached from the real world. Yes, I get you can't forcibly change people.....but isn't growth and learning all about change? If we live in a house that is livable but the kitchen sink is broken do we move out or try and remedy the kitchen sink? Perhaps this is just my observation but it seems many of today's generations think relationships just happen. They either work or they don't. I remember years ago having a conversation with an 80 something year old lady whose husband had recently passed. She told me "there were times I wanted to kill that bastard but we loved each other so we made it work. That's the problem with you young people today. You want everything to be easy and you are afraid to work." Underscoring this sociology are some interesting stats....e.g., people getting married late or not at all and many people not having children at all. I guess we'll know the ramifications of these issues in the next few decades to come. Sorry for the digression

 

I don't know anything about today's generation and what it thinks, but I do know that one person can't do all of the work in a relationship.

[nutbrownhare]

I'd be very uncomfortable with this scenario if I were in your place. It seems that FB is an arena where she acts out her fantasies of being some kind of screen goddess, and your relationship is completely irrelevant.

 

She's perfectly entitled to do this, of course. What you are not obliged to do is hang around being a stable base from which she can venture forth and flirt with other men. I'd be seriously rethinking this relationship, especially given her previous history.

[shebrew]

hello!

 

in my opinion, she is a compulsive attention seeker. She doesnt claim you as her boyfriend on social media because once a girl is "off the market" guys or in her case "fans" lose interest in her and she knows that you are not comfortable with it and she said that shes free to do whatever she wants...clearly, she could care less what you think as long as she keeps getting likes and comments from random men.

 

i say, if you dont feel comfortable with her lifestyle you have to let it go and find yourself a woman that will respect you!

[melancholy123]

I think you need a new girlfriend.

[nutbrownhare]

I don't post my relationship status on Facebook. Its one less thing for internet search engines to attach to my identity. People that matter and that I matter to know my relationship status. If she's saying "its complicated" as a relationship status - then that's a problem perhaps. But posting NO relationship status should not bother you

 

I think the fact that she's posting provocative pictures of herself in order to encourage her "fans", along with no relationship status says it all.

 

I've found that when I had no relationship status, or was listed as single, I kept getting hit on by guys. It was totally unwanted attention, some of it positively creepy, and when I met my partner I asked specifically that we put down our relationship status, even though he isn't really bothered about FB. It put a stop to the unwanted attention.

 

And stopping the male attention is exactly what the OP's girlfriend DOESN'T want to do...