Frustrated by the quality of matches online

[yeahyeahyeah]

Hey guys - you're acting like all women are this way.

 

They aren't.

 

Your disdain for women probably comes through. You probably make snarky remarks that turn them away. You probably act like arrogant jerks because you think that's what it takes.

 

You can't be both women-hating and women-chasing. You need to put your best foot forward, be positive, and pursue women you're interested in. This negativity is a huge turn off and it's very easy to detect online - and probably easier in person.

 

I don't talk this way when going on a date with a woman. I'm chatting right now to a girl I met from OLD, complimenting her, telling her that she is pretty, talking about my holiday etc... More to the point, I do my best to make her feel comfortable and try to find a way to connect with her. I'm not stupid!

 

On the forum is what I really think based on experiences from going on many dates/relationships.

 

I'm sure guys DQ women too, but I think that it is a lot more common for women to have massive checklists to the point guys are placed under immense pressure from it being a competitive market.

[akrngrl]

I agree with Fudgie. I like a middle ground and have also stopped talking to men who sink all their funds into cars.

 

Transportation by me is a necessity. An hour or so east, not so much, but I have had to disqualify men that didn't have cars who lived out that way. Not because "ew you don't drive", but because realistically it was not feasible. OP mentioned that public transport was in abundance by him though.

 

I can't speak for all women, but I personally don't "expect" men to have anything. If you don't have what I'm looking for, then we won't work out, but I'm not pointing a finger specifically at the man and thinking he's wrong or judging him personally for his decisions.

[yeahyeahyeah]

I live in an outstate part of the US where driving is basically a necessity. I wouldn't date a woman who didn't have a car and a license; I'm not going to become anyone's chauffeur.

 

As far as pickiness goes, I'll say this: some women are too picky to the point of being a bit unrealistic. There is no doubt. They want a man who is a step up from where they are. However, if you're a woman with her own place, a car, a decent education and job, attractive and in shape, etc is it being too picky to want a man who's at about the same level?

 

I do personally find it kind of annoying when women have somewhat extensive checklists, and OLD seems to really bring this out. I think it's better to have guidelines but to go case by case. But it's their life. If you're picky and close-minded one of two things are going to happen; either you'll find exactly what you are looking for (yay you) or you'll live and die alone (sucks to be you.) It's no skin off my nose either way.

 

And I do agree with Ms. Darcy; we all have our things we're picky about.

 

If a woman has her together then they have every right to reject a guy who hasn't. I just have a problem with the ones who are surviving pay cheque after pay cheque, flat sharing and acting like they are independent because they don't live at home and subsequently have no aspirations to owning their own pad from not saving enough cash quick enough. These same women are also the social climbers trying to latch onto a rich guy so that they can get their own pad etc I.e. basically prostitutes.

 

I meet a lot of these types because I look posh, and work in management.

[mustlovedogs]

I don't talk this way when going on a date with a woman. I'm chatting right now to a girl I met from OLD, complimenting her, telling her that she is pretty, talking about my holiday etc... More to the point, I do my best to make her feel comfortable and try to find a way to connect with her. I'm not stupid!

 

On the forum is what I really think based on experiences from going on many dates/relationships.

 

I'm sure guys DQ women too, but I think that it is a lot more common for women to have massive checklists to the point guys are placed under immense pressure from it being a competitive market.

 

Are you truly, 100% sure you never say anything snarky? Because I'm sure you have accidentally let it slip at least a few times. How people truly feel always comes out.

 

My point: you need to work to shift your mentality entirely. Not just practice saying the right things at the right time.

[Batya33]

If a woman has her together then they have every right to reject a guy who hasn't. I just have a problem with the ones who are surviving pay cheque after pay cheque, flat sharing and acting like they are independent because they don't live at home and subsequently have no aspirations to owning their own pad from not saving enough cash quick enough. These same women are also the social climbers trying to latch onto a rich guy so that they can get their own pad etc I.e. basically prostitutes.

 

I meet a lot of these types because I look posh, and work in management.

 

When it comes to dating everyone has a "right" to date whomever they want. Judging someone for being too picky in your opinion seems like a real waste of time. And you have no idea if they're really living pay check to pay check or, even if they are, what the future goals are. And if the goal is to meet someone who can provide financially and that person likes that arrangement because of the benefits he gets (i.e. perhaps a woman who enjoys being a housewife and doesn't have outside the home goals/dreams) who's to judge? If the couple is honest with each other why isn't that enough?

 

From the outside in no one would have known -because it's my personal business -that I spent 11 years amassing a financial nest egg before having a child and before getting married so that I'd have the opportunity to be home full time with my child even if I married someone whose single income would have been insufficient (then I would contribute from my savings to make it possible). And no one judged me for being a full time parent for 7.5 years (other than some judgment from certain headhunters when I was job hunting). So, I wouldn't be so quick to assume or to judge.

[moneymkt]

When it comes to dating everyone has a "right" to date whomever they want. Judging someone for being too picky in your opinion seems like a real waste of time. And you have no idea if they're really living pay check to pay check or, even if they are, what the future goals are. And if the goal is to meet someone who can provide financially and that person likes that arrangement because of the benefits he gets (i.e. perhaps a woman who enjoys being a housewife and doesn't have outside the home goals/dreams) who's to judge? If the couple is honest with each other why isn't that enough?

 

From the outside in no one would have known -because it's my personal business -that I spent 11 years amassing a financial nest egg before having a child and before getting married so that I'd have the opportunity to be home full time with my child even if I married someone whose single income would have been insufficient (then I would contribute from my savings to make it possible). And no one judged me for being a full time parent for 7.5 years (other than some judgment from certain headhunters when I was job hunting). So, I wouldn't be so quick to assume or to judge.

 

 

But why does it seem like men get criticized for having a dating preference? It's almost like only woman can be choosy about what they want in a mate but not men because it's shallow lol

[mustlovedogs]

But why does it seem like men get criticized for having a dating preference? It's almost like only woman can be choosy about what they want in a mate but not men because it's shallow lol

 

It's not that way at all. It's assumed everyone has a preference.

[Batya33]

But why does it seem like men get criticized for having a dating preference? It's almost like only woman can be choosy about what they want in a mate but not men because it's shallow lol

 

I understand it seems that way to you but in my decades of dating it never seemed that way to me. In fact, for me personally, when I had an online dating profile I accepted that men were entitled to decline to meet me because of my age if they wanted to have a a child and not have to try ASAP (when I was in my mid to late 30s). A preference can be shallow or values-based or somewhere in between - people are entitled to be shallow in what they want in a mate. I know both men and women whose primary focus is having arm candy (not just chemistry -but specific physical features that they value for their own sake although sometimes it's portrayed as "I can't help who I'm attracted to and if he doesn't have blue eyes I won't be attracted) - and that's fine as long as they also accept how that limits the dating pool especially if they are not arm candy.

[Jibralta]

I don't talk this way when going on a date with a woman. I'm chatting right now to a girl I met from OLD, complimenting her, telling her that she is pretty, talking about my holiday etc... More to the point, I do my best to make her feel comfortable and try to find a way to connect with her. I'm not stupid!

 

Just so you know, if you have an overarching bad attitude toward women in general, it usually comes through loud and clear to a woman you are trying to talk to despite your conscious efforts to compliment her, tell her she is pretty, and make her feel comfortable. It's readable through behavior and offhand comments, small inconsistencies that you aren't even aware of. It's like any insecurity. People can see them despite our best efforts to hide them.

[yeahyeahyeah]

Just so you know, if you have an overarching bad attitude toward women in general, it usually comes through loud and clear to a woman you are trying to talk to despite your conscious efforts to compliment her, tell her she is pretty, and make her feel comfortable. It's readable through behavior and offhand comments, small inconsistencies that you aren't even aware of. It's like any insecurity. People can see them despite our best efforts to hide them.

 

I don't hate women. I just dislike people who do not treat me well. I'm currently having really good banter with the girl I have a date lined up next Wednesday.

[Ms Darcy]

Was at a wedding yesterday, think one of the girls I was chatting to was into me. Unfortunately I wasn't into her! Hate it when that happens.

 

Wait a minute - weren't you the one who said that one date/meeting isn't enough to determine if something good can happen? That OLD women are too quick to write off a guy on the first date? Or does that standard only apply when you like the woman?

[Ms Darcy]

But it still amazes me that some women expect a man to

 

1. have his own place

2. his own car

3. stable job

 

 

That is not easy to do in today;s economy. And what if he has all that and gets laid off? is she going to leave him?

 

I never asked for a guy to provide more than I brought to the table myself.

 

Alos, I personally had to learn the hard way the resentment that comes when there is an imbalance in a relationship.

 

If one person is the one who is doing the driving, if one person is doing the hosting, if one person is paying for everything/most things, resentment builds really quick.

[Ms Darcy]

I live in an outstate part of the US where driving is basically a necessity. I wouldn't date a woman who didn't have a car and a license; I'm not going to become anyone's chauffeur.

 

As far as pickiness goes, I'll say this: some women are too picky to the point of being a bit unrealistic. There is no doubt. They want a man who is a step up from where they are. However, if you're a woman with her own place, a car, a decent education and job, attractive and in shape, etc is it being too picky to want a man who's at about the same level?

 

I do personally find it kind of annoying when women have somewhat extensive checklists, and OLD seems to really bring this out. I think it's better to have guidelines but to go case by case. But it's their life. If you're picky and close-minded one of two things are going to happen; either you'll find exactly what you are looking for (yay you) or you'll live and die alone (sucks to be you.) It's no skin off my nose either way.

 

And I do agree with Ms. Darcy; we all have our things we're picky about.

 

Exactly. Certain things depend on where you live and how old you are.

 

Having a job or a car isn't usually expected when you are in college.

 

And having a car isn't a need if you live in a big city like NYC.

 

And having your own place doesn't necessarily mean owning a home. It can just mean not living with parents (which I know is a culturally sensitive issue.)

[Capricorn3]

Thread has run its course.