Feelings for friend / pushing her away

[Jy1986usa]

Hey guys. Some of you know my story. Life fell apart 5 months ago. Lost job then girlfriend and having an incredibly hard time with everything. This isn't really about that though. It might be a little longer than my normal posts but I would appreciate some advise.

 

So a little back story. I met my best friend four years ago. She moved to my state and I was the first person she met and we've been very close ever since. I originally tried to date her but she told me she was new to the city and not looking to date but wanted to be friends. After we had known each other for a few months and she trusted me she confided in me that there's another reason she didn't want to date me. She's lesbian.

 

Since we met I've always had a thing for her even after she told me she's not attracted to men. I always wanted more but accepted just being friends. She's single as well. However it isn't a typical friendship. There's an interesting dynamic between us. There's never been anything intimate or sexual but like I said we're very close and do things that let's just say I don't do with any of my male friends. We hug every time we see each other and occasionally I'll kiss her on the cheek. We say I love you often. We've cuddled before. We've gone on vacation and slept in the same bed. We've been each other's wedding dates. We're pretty touchy feely with each other in general.

 

And she actually knows that I've liked her as more than a friend and would love to be more. But I don't think it bothers her because again she's gay. And she is a very attractive, desirable woman. I'm not the first guy that's tried to convert her. Those feelings subsided for the most part when I was with my ex but even then there was always a small part of me that secretly wanted my friend. And for those of you who know my story in case you're wondering my ex never had an issue with my friendship with her and the three of us got along great and there was never any jealousy issues at all. My ex actually loved me having a female best friend.

 

Anyway. Now that you know the story here's my dilemma. I care for my friend very much. And I absolutely do NOT want to lose her too. But I've pushed her away a little with all my craziness post break up with my ex. She's always been there for me but I relied on her too much for things like venting and throwing myself pity parties and I can tell she's getting burnt out and I don't blame her. She's told me a couple times including last night there's nothing more she can say or do for me. And I actually told her that I think it's best for our friendship if we didn't talk for a while basically because I didn't want to completely push her away by me coming to her so much with my sadness and negativity. I even deleted her number so I wouldn't be tempted to call/text her and asked her to check on me in a couple weeks which she said she would.

 

So what do you guys think of all that? I don't want to lose her because she is very special to me. But those feelings are still there. And in a way our friendship hinders both of us meeting people because whenever we go out which is a lot the assumption is we're together which makes it harder to meet people. And obviously because of her orientation we will never be more than friends but I sometimes get sad we can't be more. Thanks for reading.

[Wiseman2]

Agree distancing yourself is a good thing. You were not only depending too much, you were starting to catch feelings in an impossible situation.

 

Have you considered just browsing some dating apps and looking at profiles? Put up a good profile and some recent good pics and just take a look. If and when you are ready, start talking to women.

in a way our friendship hinders both of us meeting people because whenever we go out which is a lot the assumption in we're together which makes it harder to meet people. And obviously because of her orientation we will never be more than friends

[Jy1986usa]

Thanks for the response Wiseman2. Dating isn't the issue. I'm not even trying right now. I need to focus on getting back to work, letting go of my ex, and just getting my life together in general. When the time comes for me to get back out there I'm not intimated by it and this infatuation with my friend doesn't hold me back at all.

 

It's just kind of hard to balance knowing all we are is just friends but having these other feelings. Especially right now as I'm still struggling to accept my break up. It's hard enough dealing with that but then having this going on as well adds to the emotional distress.

 

I would be devastated if I lost her and in a much deeper way than if I lost any of my other close friends.

 

I guess this is kind of a difficult topic to address as there isn't really even a big issue. I have an amazing friend who means the world to me and I also happen to be attracted to her. Pushing her away is the bigger concern. I think distancing myself from her as we said is smart right now until I am in a better place mentally.

 

I guess I answered my own question haha. Any other thoughts I would still appreciate.