Angry email- I want to send it, but shoud I?

[emily007]

7 year relationship with a controlling, alpha-male emotional oppressor and abuser. Finally got the strength to move out 2 weeks ago. He keeps emailing me about how much he loves me, and how he's now finally wanting to work on things... and similar bull. I have drafted this email and want to send it so badly, but is there a point? Is it just as abusive as he has been to me all these years?

 

"It actually makes me really sad to hear that you are now willing to work on the relationship. Ive been patient for so many years, being a prisoner of your disease and waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel. Instead I got oppressed and belittled, and it turns out I am actually pretty ed up because of it. Every day that passes makes me realize how deeply not okay I am. I accepted inhumane treatment from you, and thus I feel less than, like a child or a leper. You made sure to make me feel worthless, and even though I knew I was worth emeralds and rubies, and so much more, and so so much more than you. I thought your cruelty would not penetrate into my soul; it most certainly has. The stones are dull and I will need a long time to polish them to their previous sparkly state.

 

I am glad you are going to therapy. Someone like you should not be allowed to not go to therapy. I am not a therapist, or a caretaker, or a punching bag, or a buoy, but you are angry, insecure, a bully, and really quite a small person to be able to actively and willingly dismantle the scaffolding of another person. Therapy is for you to work on you, not on the relationship. You broke the relationship because you are broken, and you also broke me."

[Wiseman2]

No. No contact. In fact you should change all your passwords, phone number and delete and block him from all your devices and social media. Write out whatever you want to express, but take it to a therapist. Do not invite an attack or try to continue this.

 

Educate yourself on 'abusive relationships' and 'the cycle of violence'. Google it and discuss it with a qualified therapist.

[Keyman]

I do not think you should send the email as you are just inviting a volatile response. Instead, block off all avenues of contact with him, change your email address if you must or block him if you can and then walk away.

 

Start working on yourself and get yourself back from the place he has sent you to from all of the years of abuse. Seek therapy to start you on your way. Just don't look to get into another relationship or meet another person, as the amount of baggage you would be bringing with you may just set you up for a fall. He will be hard to forget, but when you are ready to meet someone again, make you watch out for similar patterns and avoid them.

[eidetic]

Agreed. Do not send, do not respond. Block everywhere. If this was abusive in any sense, you'll need serious time fully free of it to heal -- not just your heart, but your abused brain.

 

Block everywhere. Do not contact. This conversation could go on forever, and it isn't good for you.

 

Imagine what your life will feel like once you are free from torments and confusion. Then take the risks to make it happen for you.

[ParisPaulette]

No, because you are playing right into his continued game by letting him know he's gotten to you. That will in turn feed his ego and tell him he has accomplished what he set out to do and he will likely use anything you say to him to further manipulate you.

 

Go full NC and if he continues to harass you look into involving the police if a single "Never speak to me again," type message doesn't make him leave you alone. But really this is where no response, ever, is your best bet.

 

He will do whatever he can to try and regain control and you don't want to engage in anything, in any way, that will allow him to do so. Get into therapy yourself to heal and recover, you can do that and are already well ahead of him in that respect. I'm presuming you already left him and told him it was done, so there is no need to repeat that any longer. Stay safe if he becomes volatile, do not meet him anywhere, do not let him into your home, go full NC.

 

The only way to recover from an abusive or toxic relationship is to go completely cold turkey and never look back. Journaling to yourself about the relationship will help you process things, so will talking to someone, but talking to him will never result in anything but giving him ammunition to use against you. And right now the talking is done. Nothing you say will make this guy feel bad or like he did something wrong, because frankly abusers enjoy being abusive. It's their addiction and your email will just be a big old hit and then he'll come back for more.

 

Cold turkey, walk away, cut those ties whatever you have to do to do so, that's how you recover and move on. He's not going to change, not even close, he's just doing the manipulation dance that abusers do of "I'll change," simply to try and placate the people they're abusing into letting them continue their control and abuse.

 

So nope, do not send. Silence only towards him and refuse to give in or see him or let him even come to you. Establishing boundaries of "You stay out of my life forever, I know longer care" are far stronger, better ways of getting rid of someone like that. And no, he will never feel bad for what he's done. Or he would not have done it in the first place. But abusers are good at aping regret or remorse, even to the point they may themselves believe it. But it never lasts.

 

From someone who's been there, just walk away and stop engaging in the trap that he is altogether.

[ThatwasThen]

I am glad you are going to therapy. Someone like you should not be allowed to not go to therapy.

I'd send that and nothing more then "now please do not contact me again" (if contacting him is something you think will help you with closure) and then block and delete him from being able to reach you with anymore of his 'too little, too late' diatribes that are egging you on to respond.

 

Glad to hear you got the strength to get yourself away from him. He needs years of therapy as well as anger management courses under his belt before he'd be able to change what is obviously engrained from his own childhood.

 

Ignore him or send one line that clearly lets him know you're not interested in reconciling.

 

I'll add that if you are in your own therapy (highly recommended) to help you to come to terms with why you stayed with him for so long instead of quickly getting away from him as soon as he abused you, then speak to your therapist about the email you want to send and see what he/she has to say about it. The email would, IMO, give you something to discuss regarding motivation, what you expect to accomplish etc.

[hrb23]

The fact you even had to ask means the answer is no, btw I didn't even read the OP. The answer to the question in the Subject is no.

[emily007]

Thanks, you guys are AWESOME. Seriously.

[browneyedgirl36]

Ugh -- I was typing a response and then somehow deleted it!

 

I would not send this e-mail for several reasons. One, given the type of person he is -- a manipulative, controlling bully -- nothing you say is going to get to him. In fact, it might actually give him even MORE power over you in the sense that he will know how much he hurt you. People like him enjoy hurting people on some level -- probably because they hate themselves so much or are so irretrievably broken themselves. Don't give him that power over you. Maintain power over yourself. And, people like him can't be "educated" about their flaws and shortcomings. He may be expressing regret now, but...I suspect that is just another bit of manipulation on his part. He can't learn anything if he doesn't truly acknowledge that he's wrong. And, from what you've written about him, it's clear he won't.

 

Silence speaks VOLUMES, so I vote for saying nothing. You get to maintain your dignity, and he doesn't get the satisfaction of knowing how profoundly he has hurt you. If you remain silent, you'll be sending the message, "You don't have any control over me anymore. I want nothing to do with you. You are out of my life for good."

 

If you absolutely MUST say something, a simple "Do not ever contact me again," will suffice. I vote for silence, though.

[boltnrun]

No.

 

He will read it and tell himself "See! She still loves me and can't stop thinking about me. I will have her back in no time. I'll play nice for now but when she comes back, I'll let her know what I really think about her having the nerve to leave me!"

[Annia]

No, because you are playing right into his continued game by letting him know he's gotten to you. That will in turn feed his ego and tell him he has accomplished what he set out to do and he will likely use anything you say to him to further manipulate you.

 

Go full NC and if he continues to harass you look into involving the police if a single "Never speak to me again," type message doesn't make him leave you alone. But really this is where no response, ever, is your best bet.

 

He will do whatever he can to try and regain control and you don't want to engage in anything, in any way, that will allow him to do so. Get into therapy yourself to heal and recover, you can do that and are already well ahead of him in that respect. I'm presuming you already left him and told him it was done, so there is no need to repeat that any longer. Stay safe if he becomes volatile, do not meet him anywhere, do not let him into your home, go full NC.

 

The only way to recover from an abusive or toxic relationship is to go completely cold turkey and never look back. Journaling to yourself about the relationship will help you process things, so will talking to someone, but talking to him will never result in anything but giving him ammunition to use against you. And right now the talking is done. Nothing you say will make this guy feel bad or like he did something wrong, because frankly abusers enjoy being abusive. It's their addiction and your email will just be a big old hit and then he'll come back for more.

 

Cold turkey, walk away, cut those ties whatever you have to do to do so, that's how you recover and move on. He's not going to change, not even close, he's just doing the manipulation dance that abusers do of "I'll change," simply to try and placate the people they're abusing into letting them continue their control and abuse.

 

So nope, do not send. Silence only towards him and refuse to give in or see him or let him even come to you. Establishing boundaries of "You stay out of my life forever, I know longer care" are far stronger, better ways of getting rid of someone like that. And no, he will never feel bad for what he's done. Or he would not have done it in the first place. But abusers are good at aping regret or remorse, even to the point they may themselves believe it. But it never lasts.

 

From someone who's been there, just walk away and stop engaging in the trap that he is altogether.

 

I couldn't have said better!

 

There is no winning arguments, no "seeing the light" from them, no them regretting and no honest apology from abusers.

 

I was in a three year relationship with an abuser when I was younger, and no amount of talking, of angry emails, of trying to make him see what he was doing worked. He even blamed me for everything he's done to me (typical behaviour of an abuser). The best and most effective thing I've done at that time was to delete and block him everywhere and I even changed my cellphone number. I told my family and friends what was happening and it helped me a lot. I also ended up going to the police because he wouldn't leave me alone after I left him for good. So please, don't fall into that hole of trying to express to him how you feel. I know it's hard, but express how you feel to a therapist (I regret not having had therapy after that), to your support network and to a journal.

 

If you contact him he's either not going to care about what you say or he will feel happy with the effect he still has on you... it'll boost his ego and he might even try to retaliate or use it to manipulate you further. Really, stay away from him and cut him off your life totally.

[D1mps]

Please, take all the good advice above and trust me as someone who knows how difficult this is ...

Run and don't look back! Then get into therapy and start working on yourself.

I did and discovered I had PTSD as a result of the abuse I have suffered.

 

Don't let him win by responding, or allow him to hurt you further.

Get out of this relationship asap and never look back.

 

Best of luck to you and I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[JustinPonders]

My ex most likely thinks of me the same way you think of your ex and because of that she has completely abandoned me. It's been almost a year since I've seen her. Now, I'm not going to say that I was as bad as your ex. I might have from time to time been mean to my ex but she too has caused me pain so it wasn't a one-sided thing as far as our ex-relationship was concern. But because I chased her like crazy after the breakup it all looked like I was the sole bad person and to this day I feel nothing but regret, remorse, hurt, fear and much more negative emotions due to losing her. But I should say during this whole time been separated I've really, really changed as a person. I mean I can't even tell you how much I've changed. Lets say my breakup really woke me up but it took this heavy, traumatic experience to change me. Now, it's been close to a year and I can say I'm a new person but she's still gone. Now, if my ex were to ever come back, this won't happen, but if she did she would be getting the new me. So you can't say that your man will never change because I have but certainly a week won't change him. He needs a good amount of time to really work on himself. So who knows, maybe in 6-12 months he could be a new person but to say he's completely a broken person isn't fair. Everyone deserves at least a chance to redeem themselves because not everyone is broken goods.

[boltnrun]

Well, not everyone.

 

Abusers are not your run of the mill "I was kind of a jerk sometimes" type. They have a deeply ingrained need to hurt and humiliate the person who loves them. They will never pass up an opportunity to inflict damage.

 

Studies have proven that even with intensive therapy, abusers who successfully stop abusing are in the single digit percentage (last study I saw said 2%).

 

So it's not like "give them a chance to REALLY think about what they did and they will be sorry and change". They like to abuse and will not stop doing something they enjoy.

 

It's apples and oranges.

 

I will never and would never encourage anyone to give an abuser another chance.

[reinventmyself]

. . and I personally wouldn't like to think I contributed in any way that they may see the error of their ways from something I shared and go on to be a better partner for the next person.

 

Let him learn on his own.

Let him make the same mistakes again.

 

Your job is put that energy into yourself, move on and not look back

[Annia]

Well, not everyone.

 

Abusers are not your run of the mill "I was kind of a jerk sometimes" type. They have a deeply ingrained need to hurt and humiliate the person who loves them. They will never pass up an opportunity to inflict damage.

 

Studies have proven that even with intensive therapy, abusers who successfully stop abusing are in the single digit percentage (last study I saw said 2%).

 

So it's not like "give them a chance to REALLY think about what they did and they will be sorry and change". They like to abuse and will not stop doing something they enjoy.

 

It's apples and oranges.

 

I will never and would never encourage anyone to give an abuser another chance.

 

I agree with you. It's too risky to hope that an abuser changes or to give them a second chance. It's better to cut our losses.

Even if they go to therapy it'd take a huge amount of time and huge amounts of self awareness (something abusers lack) to even have the slim chances of being apart of that single digit percentage of "successful" cases. There is no winning here for the victim if they decide to stay with the abuser or try to change the abuser in any way.

[JustinPonders]

I agree with you. It's too risky to hope that an abuser changes or to give them a second chance. It's better to cut our losses.

Even if they go to therapy it'd take a huge amount of time and huge amounts of self awareness (something abusers lack) to even have the slim chances of being apart of that single digit percentage of "successful" cases. There is no winning here for the victim if they decide to stay with the abuser or try to change the abuser in any way.

 

Can you define an abuser?

[eidetic]

"Can you define an abuser?"

 

They come in all forms. The bottom line is that if you get a zing out of seeing that your words or actions or lack of same causes someone pain, you are at the very least abusing your power. This is not what love is, what love does, or what love is for.

 

There's a difference between being an abuser and having inadequate relationship skills. Relationship skills can be learned. And probably one difference between an abuser and a person who lacks sufficient relationship skills is that the person who learns to relate and communicate and love properly, thrills to the positive results. Whereas an abuser still prefers the sick joys of hurting someone who loves them, over and over again and when least expected.

[boltnrun]

Yes, eidetic.

 

Abusers enjoy causing pain. It makes them feel powerful.

 

Non-abusers feel remorse for hurting others. They usually feel guilt. They don't try to blame the person they're abusing for the abuse. They can realize they didn't behave well and make changes.

 

Abusers don't and won't change because not only do they enjoy abusing, they feel it is their right to treat the person who loves them that way. They believe that person DESERVES to be abused.

 

And like you said, it gives them pleasure. Causing someone to cry, to be injured, to feel inadequate gives them such a thrill!

 

And they want to see their abuse victim come crawling back to them. Even if it's to express anger or hurt. This proves their power over that person. It proves to them that the person can't survive without them. The ultimate power; to hold the other persons' very existence in their hands.

[reinventmyself]

They don't always enjoy causing pain.

Most are insecure are driven to control and tear their partner down in an attempt to keep them.

It's a f'ed up coping skill

[Annia]

Can you define an abuser?

 

Here's a post from Holly that describes some traits of abusive personality. Be aware that not all abuses have all those traits and some might be missing here, most of them have one or more. Each case is different. Abuse can come in many shapes and forms and many abusers, man or woman, are often unaware of what they're doing. I'd say that regardless of the definition of abuser, if one feels constantly down with someone, if that person is constantly holding them down and keeping their self esteem down, they should cut their losses and leave the relationship. Physical abuse is one extreme case of abuse, but there are abusers that don't hit the victim, but instead inflict psychological or emotional abuse and manipulate them and destroy them mentally:

 

 

 

Signs to Look For In an Abusive Personality

 

Many people are interested in ways to predict whether they are about to become involved with someone who might be abusive. Abuse can occur in any type of relationship whether it is a heterosexual, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, , or gay relationship. Women, men, transgendered people, and gender people all have the potential to be abusers or victims and survivors of abuse. Below is a list of behaviors that are seen in people who abuse. If the person shows at least three of the first 15 behaviors there is a strong potential for physical violence – the more signs a person shows, the more likely the person is prone to abuse. In some cases, an abusive person may demonstrate only a couple of the listed behaviors but in a much exaggerated manner (e.g., will try to explain their behavior as signs of their love and concern). The victim may be flattered at first but as time goes on, these behaviors become more severe and serve to dominate and control the victim.

 

1. Jealousy: At the beginning of a relationship an abusive person will always say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love; it’s a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. The abusive person will question the victim about whom she/he/ze/se talks to, accuse the victim of flirting, or be jealous of time the victim spends with family, friends, or children. As the jealousy progresses, the abusive person may call the victim frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. The abusive person may refuse to let the victim work for fear she/he/ze/se will meet someone else, or even do strange behavior such as checking the car mileage or asking friends to watch the victim.

 

2. Controlling: At first, the abusive person will say this behavior results from concern about the victim’s safety, the victim’s need to use their time well, or to make good decisions. The abusive person will be angry if the victim is “late” coming back from the store or an appointment. The abusive person will question the victim closely about where they went or whom they talked to. As this behavior gets worse, the abusive person may not let the victim make personal decisions about the house, clothing, or going to church. The abusive person may keep all the money or even make the victim ask permission to leave the house or room.

 

3. Quick Involvement: Many people who have experienced abuse knew their abuser for a short time before they entered a relationship with them. The abusive person comes on like a whirlwind, claiming, “You’re the only person I could ever talk to,” or “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.” The abusive person will pressure the victim to commit to the relationship in such a way that later the victim feels guilty if they want to slow down their involvement or break it off completely.

 

4. Unrealistic Expectations: An abusive person expects the victim to meet all of their needs; they expect the victim to be the perfect wife, husband, partner, parent, lover, friend, etc. The abusive person will say things like “if you love me, I’m all you need and you’re all I need.” The victim is expected to take care of everything for them emotionally and in the home.

 

5. Isolation: The abusive person tries to cut the victim off from all other resources. They may say they are “hurt” or “lonely” if the victim wants to spend time with friends or family without them. If the victim has friends of the gender they tend to be sexual with they might be called a “whore”; if the person is a heterosexual woman who has women friends, she might be called a “lesbian”; and if she is close to her family, she might be said to be “tied to the apron strings.” The abusive person accuses people who are the victim’s supports of “causing trouble.” They may want to live in the country without a phone; they may not let the victim use the car or have one that is reliable. They may try to keep the victim from working or going to school.

 

6. Blames Others for Their Problems: If the abusive person is chronically unemployed, someone is always “doing them wrong” or is “out to get them.” They may make mistakes but then blame the victim for upsetting them and keeping them from concentrating on the work. The abusive person will blame the victim for almost anything that goes wrong.

 

7. Blames Others for Their Feelings: The abusive person will tell the victim, “You make me mad” or “You’re hurting me by not doing what I want you to do,” or “I can’t help being angry.” It is really the abusive person who makes the decision about what they think or feel but they will use those feelings to manipulate the victim. Less obvious blaming statements are claims that “You make me happy,” or “You control how I feel.”

 

8. Hypersensitivity: An abusive person is easily insulted and claims that their feelings are “hurt” when really they are very mad. The abusive person will “rant and rave” about the injustice of things that have happened – things that are really just part of living such as being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told some behavior is annoying or being asked to help with chores.

 

9. Cruelty To Animals and/or Children: A person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain or suffering. An abuser may expect children to be capable of things beyond their ability (i.e., may whip a two year old for wetting a diaper) or may tease children until they cry (60% of people who abuse other people also abuse their children). Abusers may not want children to eat at the table or may expect them to remain in their rooms all evening while they are at home.

 

10. Use of Force in Sex: This kind of abuser may like to throw the victim down and hold them down during sex and may want to act out fantasies during sex where the victim is helpless. An abuser may be letting them know that the idea of rape is exciting. (This kind of non-consensual, violent behavior is different than safe and consensual BDSM or SM (bondage/dominance/sadomasochism): a type of sexual activity that should use carefully negotiated sex play.)

 

Abusers may show little concern about whether the person wants to have sex and may use sulking or anger to manipulate them into compliance. Abusers may start having sex with the person while they are sleeping or demand sex when the person is ill or tired.

 

11. Verbal Abuse: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel or hurtful, verbal abuse can be seen when the abuser degrades the person, cursing at them or minimizing any of their accomplishments. The abuser may tell the person that they are stupid and unable to function without them. This may involve waking the person up to verbally abuse them or not letting them go to sleep.

 

12. Rigid Sex Roles: The abuser expects a person to serve them and may say the person must stay at home, that they must obey in all things, even things that are criminal in nature. An abuser may believe that women, men, transgendered people or genderqueer people are inferior to their gender, are responsible for menial tasks, stupid and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.

 

13. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: Many people are confused by their abuser’s “sudden” changes in mood – they may think the abuser has some special mental problem because one minute the abuser is nice but the next minute he/she/ze/se is exploding. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who abuse their partners and these behaviors are related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.

 

14. Past abuse: This person may say they have abused people in the past but that the person made him/her/zir/hir do it. The potential victim may hear from relatives or ex-spouses/partners/dates that the potential abuser is abusive. An abuser may beat any person that they are with. If the person has been abusive in the past, they always have the potential to be abusive in the present unless they have done intense interpersonal work with a professional around their abusive behavior. If the person is with the abuser long enough, the violence could begin. Situational circumstances do not make a person abusive or prevent a person from acting abusively.

 

15. Threats of Violence: This could include any threat of physical force meant to control the person; “I’ll slap your mouth off,” or “I’ll kill you,” or “I’ll break your neck.” Most people do not threaten their mates but an abuser will try to excuse threats by saying that “everyone talks like that.”

 

16. Breaking or Striking Objects: This behavior of breaking loved ones’ possessions or needed home items can be used as a punishment but is mostly used to terrorize the person into submission. The abuser may beat on the table with their fists or throw objects around or near the person. Again, this is very remarkable behavior – not only is this a sign of extreme emotional dysfunction but there is a great danger when someone thinks that they have the “right” to punish or frighten their partner.

 

17. Any Force During an Argument: This may involve an abuser holding the person down, physically restraining them from leaving the room, or any pushing or shoving. The abuser may hold the person against a wall and say, “You’re going to listen to me!”

[LonelyJedi]

Here's a post from Holly that describes some traits of abusive personality. Be aware that not all abuses have all those traits and some might be missing here, most of them have one or more. Each case is different. Abuse can come in many shapes and forms and many abusers, man or woman, are often unaware of what they're doing. I'd say that regardless of the definition of abuser, if one feels constantly down with someone, if that person is constantly holding them down and keeping their self esteem down, they should cut their losses and leave the relationship. Physical abuse is one extreme case of abuse, but there are abusers that don't hit the victim, but instead inflict psychological or emotional abuse and manipulate them and destroy them mentally:

 

 

 

Signs to Look For In an Abusive Personality

 

Many people are interested in ways to predict whether they are about to become involved with someone who might be abusive. Abuse can occur in any type of relationship whether it is a heterosexual, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, , or gay relationship. Women, men, transgendered people, and gender people all have the potential to be abusers or victims and survivors of abuse. Below is a list of behaviors that are seen in people who abuse. If the person shows at least three of the first 15 behaviors there is a strong potential for physical violence – the more signs a person shows, the more likely the person is prone to abuse. In some cases, an abusive person may demonstrate only a couple of the listed behaviors but in a much exaggerated manner (e.g., will try to explain their behavior as signs of their love and concern). The victim may be flattered at first but as time goes on, these behaviors become more severe and serve to dominate and control the victim.

 

1. Jealousy: At the beginning of a relationship an abusive person will always say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love; it’s a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. The abusive person will question the victim about whom she/he/ze/se talks to, accuse the victim of flirting, or be jealous of time the victim spends with family, friends, or children. As the jealousy progresses, the abusive person may call the victim frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. The abusive person may refuse to let the victim work for fear she/he/ze/se will meet someone else, or even do strange behavior such as checking the car mileage or asking friends to watch the victim.

 

2. Controlling: At first, the abusive person will say this behavior results from concern about the victim’s safety, the victim’s need to use their time well, or to make good decisions. The abusive person will be angry if the victim is “late” coming back from the store or an appointment. The abusive person will question the victim closely about where they went or whom they talked to. As this behavior gets worse, the abusive person may not let the victim make personal decisions about the house, clothing, or going to church. The abusive person may keep all the money or even make the victim ask permission to leave the house or room.

 

3. Quick Involvement: Many people who have experienced abuse knew their abuser for a short time before they entered a relationship with them. The abusive person comes on like a whirlwind, claiming, “You’re the only person I could ever talk to,” or “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.” The abusive person will pressure the victim to commit to the relationship in such a way that later the victim feels guilty if they want to slow down their involvement or break it off completely.

 

4. Unrealistic Expectations: An abusive person expects the victim to meet all of their needs; they expect the victim to be the perfect wife, husband, partner, parent, lover, friend, etc. The abusive person will say things like “if you love me, I’m all you need and you’re all I need.” The victim is expected to take care of everything for them emotionally and in the home.

 

5. Isolation: The abusive person tries to cut the victim off from all other resources. They may say they are “hurt” or “lonely” if the victim wants to spend time with friends or family without them. If the victim has friends of the gender they tend to be sexual with they might be called a “whore”; if the person is a heterosexual woman who has women friends, she might be called a “lesbian”; and if she is close to her family, she might be said to be “tied to the apron strings.” The abusive person accuses people who are the victim’s supports of “causing trouble.” They may want to live in the country without a phone; they may not let the victim use the car or have one that is reliable. They may try to keep the victim from working or going to school.

 

6. Blames Others for Their Problems: If the abusive person is chronically unemployed, someone is always “doing them wrong” or is “out to get them.” They may make mistakes but then blame the victim for upsetting them and keeping them from concentrating on the work. The abusive person will blame the victim for almost anything that goes wrong.

 

7. Blames Others for Their Feelings: The abusive person will tell the victim, “You make me mad” or “You’re hurting me by not doing what I want you to do,” or “I can’t help being angry.” It is really the abusive person who makes the decision about what they think or feel but they will use those feelings to manipulate the victim. Less obvious blaming statements are claims that “You make me happy,” or “You control how I feel.”

 

8. Hypersensitivity: An abusive person is easily insulted and claims that their feelings are “hurt” when really they are very mad. The abusive person will “rant and rave” about the injustice of things that have happened – things that are really just part of living such as being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told some behavior is annoying or being asked to help with chores.

 

9. Cruelty To Animals and/or Children: A person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain or suffering. An abuser may expect children to be capable of things beyond their ability (i.e., may whip a two year old for wetting a diaper) or may tease children until they cry (60% of people who abuse other people also abuse their children). Abusers may not want children to eat at the table or may expect them to remain in their rooms all evening while they are at home.

 

10. Use of Force in Sex: This kind of abuser may like to throw the victim down and hold them down during sex and may want to act out fantasies during sex where the victim is helpless. An abuser may be letting them know that the idea of rape is exciting. (This kind of non-consensual, violent behavior is different than safe and consensual BDSM or SM (bondage/dominance/sadomasochism): a type of sexual activity that should use carefully negotiated sex play.)

 

Abusers may show little concern about whether the person wants to have sex and may use sulking or anger to manipulate them into compliance. Abusers may start having sex with the person while they are sleeping or demand sex when the person is ill or tired.

 

11. Verbal Abuse: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel or hurtful, verbal abuse can be seen when the abuser degrades the person, cursing at them or minimizing any of their accomplishments. The abuser may tell the person that they are stupid and unable to function without them. This may involve waking the person up to verbally abuse them or not letting them go to sleep.

 

12. Rigid Sex Roles: The abuser expects a person to serve them and may say the person must stay at home, that they must obey in all things, even things that are criminal in nature. An abuser may believe that women, men, transgendered people or genderqueer people are inferior to their gender, are responsible for menial tasks, stupid and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.

 

13. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: Many people are confused by their abuser’s “sudden” changes in mood – they may think the abuser has some special mental problem because one minute the abuser is nice but the next minute he/she/ze/se is exploding. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who abuse their partners and these behaviors are related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.

 

14. Past abuse: This person may say they have abused people in the past but that the person made him/her/zir/hir do it. The potential victim may hear from relatives or ex-spouses/partners/dates that the potential abuser is abusive. An abuser may beat any person that they are with. If the person has been abusive in the past, they always have the potential to be abusive in the present unless they have done intense interpersonal work with a professional around their abusive behavior. If the person is with the abuser long enough, the violence could begin. Situational circumstances do not make a person abusive or prevent a person from acting abusively.

 

15. Threats of Violence: This could include any threat of physical force meant to control the person; “I’ll slap your mouth off,” or “I’ll kill you,” or “I’ll break your neck.” Most people do not threaten their mates but an abuser will try to excuse threats by saying that “everyone talks like that.”

 

16. Breaking or Striking Objects: This behavior of breaking loved ones’ possessions or needed home items can be used as a punishment but is mostly used to terrorize the person into submission. The abuser may beat on the table with their fists or throw objects around or near the person. Again, this is very remarkable behavior – not only is this a sign of extreme emotional dysfunction but there is a great danger when someone thinks that they have the “right” to punish or frighten their partner.

 

17. Any Force During an Argument: This may involve an abuser holding the person down, physically restraining them from leaving the room, or any pushing or shoving. The abuser may hold the person against a wall and say, “You’re going to listen to me!”

 

 

Now that I am reading this over, I may have exhibited some of #2 and #5 in my past relationship. Not to rationalize it, but she tended to make reckless decisions (spend too much money and get a lot into debt, dive headfirst into decisions that she would later regret, etc). At first, I let her do whatever she wanted to do... even though I knew they were bad decisions. I figured she would eventually learn from them. But once we got engaged and we were going to get married in 10 months, I started to take the helm and always tell her, "Ok.. hold on... let's slow down and think about this before you jump into it.".

 

As for #5, that is one of the reasons she gave me for leaving. She didn't want to live this life of "isolation", she told me that it because she wanted to see her co-workers (who drink a lot and I didn't like). I told her so could hang out with them, but that didn't change her mind in leaving. When she first asked me if I wanted to hang out with them a year ago, I told her that I didn't want to because their lifestyles are much different than me (drink, much older, etc). I never said she couldn't just go herself.

 

 

 

In regards to the OP's question - NO. Do not send the e-mail... he is just playing games now. Don't play into it.

[Annia]

I don't meant to make generalizations and each case is different. I think your case is slightly different because not only you have self awareness of your actions (most abusers don't seem to have much) but you also left the relationship when you figured out those were deal breakers she wouldn't change for you. Most abusers wouldn't let the victim get away with it and would exert even more control if not getting their way at first.

 

Isolation is more on the sense that the abuser doesn't want the victim to spend time with friends and family to have them just for themselves and exert better control on them without external influence. As we know, if a friend sees another friend being manipulated, since they are outside of the situation they can try to make their friend come to their senses and tell them what they think. My abusive ex isolated me slowly and steady and in a subversive way. He started by taking a lot of my time and make me feel guilty if I didn't spend time with him instead of my friends and collegues.

 

He'd say that he was sick or something bad had happened when I intended to be with my friends (I also used to invite him to come along, it wasn't always alone, but sometimes I wanted some alone time with my girlfriends) to make me feel bad for leaving him to be with them. When I was with my friends he'd text me a lot asking me stuff or making me feel guilty for being there. He also talked bad about my friends, like mentioning things they'd done that he thought made them bad friends for me. He even forged fake online conversations to use as proof that they were doing stuff behind my back. I also had a rough time with my family as my parents were on the verge of divorce. He used this situation to try to put me against my family because I told him the bad things my mother had done (I shouldn't have disclosed this things with him but I trusted him and I was young, broken and naive). My family had started to see his true colours, so he needed to keep them away from me.

 

They want you to believe that you don't need anyone besides them. They remember you how others failed you while they were always by your side and always will be.