Laid off and taking care of baby, wife upset

[rafanatoc]

Hello, I'm new here, just needed to talk to someone about my issue. I was laid off a few months before the birth of my daughter. We needed help getting pregnant and had struggled with the issues surrounding that for a few years before the arrival. I am now home and am going to take advantage of a program that allows me to go back to school and pays us weekly similar to unemployment. I have been depressed since the lay offs and although I enjoy taking care of my daughter would like to get another job asap and have been searching, but no luck. The actual issue is that my wife is still working but feels I am taking the place of the mother. She feels she doesn't spend the day with her child, which tbh,is what we both wanted.

Almost everyday she completely unloads on me, stating that as the mother, the ideal situation would be for her to be home and that she doesn't feel adequate as a mother, but it feels as though she is blaming me for the situation. I've come to the point where I don't know what to say to her. I just feel like I'm banging my head against a wall trying to get through this. I try to be quiet sometimes simply because I don't want to argue, but she says I'm not listening. I just don't know what to say or do anymore.

[Seraphim]

I would retort , well I am the father and I too am important in my child's life . Many people nowadays choose for the father to stay home .

Her not feeling like an adequate mother is about her not you . I can tell you though as mothers we feel guilty about every single thing that we can't do for our child . So this is about her feeling bad it is not about you .

[j.man]

If the benefit you're receiving is providing adequate sustenance along with her income and you're taking the schooling seriously, I can't say I see the issue. I'd understand the frustration if there were no allowance and she were under increased financial pressure. I do think a bit of jealousy on her end could be natural, you being able to be with the kid while she works, but she should be able to rationally sort that jealousy out.

 

Ultimately, the focus should be on what's best for the child. A parent being able to stay at home while being provided a benefit as they pursue an education that in turn allows them better opportunities to provide for the child seems unquestionably an amazingly fortunate scenario. Again, while I do understand some reflexive jealousy on her end, it does strike me as selfish for her to persist in putting her own desires before the best interests of her child.

 

Given the spiteful nature of her apprehension, I don't think this is fixable through direct dialogue. Sounds like she'll need to hear it from an unbiased and professional third party.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately she sounds resentful. No amount of listening, talking, arguing will fix that. Try marriage counselling to navigate this misfortune and her disappointment at not fulfilling her stay at home mom dream. Are you mr mom for the time being?

[Careerchoice]

I try to be quiet sometimes simply because I don't want to argue

 

Don't do that. This isn't the time to back down. You're justified in your position and she should be on your side. Argue to the point of breaking up with her if you have to. If you can't do that, she will eventually leave you.

 

If you've been this passive in your relationship, this is something you need to correct. Don't run from conflict, run to it.

[ThatwasThen]

Hello, I'm new here, just needed to talk to someone about my issue. I was laid off a few months before the birth of my daughter. We needed help getting pregnant and had struggled with the issues surrounding that for a few years before the arrival. I am now home and am going to take advantage of a program that allows me to go back to school and pays us weekly similar to unemployment. I have been depressed since the lay offs and although I enjoy taking care of my daughter would like to get another job asap and have been searching, but no luck. The actual issue is that my wife is still working but feels I am taking the place of the mother. She feels she doesn't spend the day with her child, which tbh,is what we both wanted.

Almost everyday she completely unloads on me, stating that as the mother, the ideal situation would be for her to be home and that she doesn't feel adequate as a mother, but it feels as though she is blaming me for the situation. I've come to the point where I don't know what to say to her. I just feel like I'm banging my head against a wall trying to get through this. I try to be quiet sometimes simply because I don't want to argue, but she says I'm not listening. I just don't know what to say or do anymore.

How about you just try being sympathetic to the way she must be feeling and voice to her that you understand her pain?

 

There is nothing else you can do but continue to look for work and be sympathetic that she's not able to be the stay at home caregiver to your baby.

 

Sometimes all anyone really wants is a sympathetic ear ~ particularly when we know that the solution is being worked on (in this case you looking for work) but results are yet to be enjoyed.