lifesatrip Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 I have a friend I've literally been friends with my whole life. We have lived in separate parts of the country since we were young children and managed to remain extremely close. I have always considered her one of my two best friends. Now we are adults. We have had some bumps in the friendship, but nothing major as far as I can tell. We would see each other generally once or twice a year, and had a sporadic phone relationship. I was pretty self absorbed for a time in recent years. She seems a bit self absorbed now. But we are still in sporadic contact and the last time we hung out (about a year ago) she told me she really valued me as a friend. We had a little bit of a fight - I felt disrespected by some stuff and told her, she felt the same about stuff I was doing. She is not one to talk things out openly though. She instead seems to get passive aggressive. I prefer to put everything out on the table, but this style was really overwhelming to her and made her want to shut down. I was also feeling really emotional and started crying and acting kind of intense, trying to get her to engage with me and not be aloof or passive aggressive. I know I can be too intense sometimes. It seemed like we'd resolved it at the end and parted on good terms, but she came across is rather aloof for a while after that (at least in my opinion - could be she was just preoccupied by other stuff, I don't know). I feel like something is up/off with our friendship, but I don't want to directly talk about it with her since I feel I am violating her space by doing this (she doesn't like these direct conversations, prefers more subtlety? And maybe am too intense when i try to put it on the table.) Over the past several months she has sort of waxed warm and chilly. Sometimes when we talk it seems like she is happy to connect, wants to travel together, etc.. And sometimes she seems really aloof, and I feel like she is humoring me by talking to me. She is much more social than I, but does have considerable anxiety and emotional turbulence (though overall I think she is quite stable and self-aware). I have some mental health issues, (depression of varying intensity, and a LOT of social anxiety and general anxiety. (I am proactive about improving myself). I am afraid she feels like she has moved beyond me socially/in life. Most recently she texted me telling me she would be in the area to visit me and someone else she is close to in a month for a short visit. I texted back that I was happy she was coming, and suggested we catch up on the phone soon. She responded that she would love to catch up and proposed a couple of times. We settled on the 2nd time. She wound up calling me while I was at work and then realized mid message that I was at work. She said she would be around in the evening most likely. I called her that evening and it went straight to voicemail. The next day she called to wish me happy birthday early in the morning (left me a message). I was really happy to hear from her. But she sounded a bit distant/aloof to me, and didn't mention our missed call. I sent her a fb message thanking her for the message that evening - i was busy all day and had not had a chance to call back. I thanked her, and suggested we talk that weekend. She did not look at this message until yesterday despite being active on fb. Over the weekend I called her and got a voicemail again. I left a message saying I just thought I'd give her a try and when I'd be around etc. and heard nothing. She did not reply to the facebook message either. I sent her a fb message tonight just to make sure she got the messages (in the past I vaguely remember there being an issue where she didn't always receive her voicemails). She was online this evening but did not look at the message. I am not sure if I am reading way to much into this. I know she is a busy person. So maybe it's just her being busy. I am feeling slighted, am not a priority, and am not sure if this is a rational response. I understand she may be busy, but her not even glancing at the fb message after we never connected when we had plans to talk makes me feel unimportant. Am I overreacting? Or is she sort of blowing me off here? I'd appreciate help putting this in perspective. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaykayxo Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 Unfortunately as we grow older and take on more adult responsibilities it seems even the best of friendships can wane, particularly when you are living in different cities and have to make effort to connect. I wouldn't take it personal, it is likely she is just wrapped up with her own life. Something stressful may be going on in her life that is causing her to withdraw, or she may just not have the time to text and be on facebook like she once did. You shouldn't make this about you, or assume the worst. Respect she is a grown women with her own life. I have been in your position and felt brushed off by a friend, deep down wondering if I did something wrong. But, at the end of the day, people may grow apart. This is not to say your friendship with her will end but that she has other priorities and you most likely aren't one of them. If it bothers you that much you could always try shooting a text to clear the air, but I would simply assume she is just busy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lifesatrip Posted May 10, 2017 Author Share Posted May 10, 2017 Unfortunately as we grow older and take on more adult responsibilities it seems even the best of friendships can wane, particularly when you are living in different cities and have to make effort to connect. I wouldn't take it personal, it is likely she is just wrapped up with her own life. Something stressful may be going on in her life that is causing her to withdraw, or she may just not have the time to text and be on facebook like she once did. You shouldn't make this about you, or assume the worst. Respect she is a grown women with her own life. I have been in your position and felt brushed off by a friend, deep down wondering if I did something wrong. But, at the end of the day, people may grow apart. This is not to say your friendship with her will end but that she has other priorities and you most likely aren't one of them. If it bothers you that much you could always try shooting a text to clear the air, but I would simply assume she is just busy The thing is she seems pretty active on facebook. So you are saying I should not take it personally? It's hard feeling like she means more to me than I do to her. The other thing that gets to me is when we had the fight last year, I told her that she sometimes talks to me condescendingly/with an edge. She admitted that she has developed a real edge and that she didn't realize she was doing that with me to that degree. But she also said something along the lines of not being overly concerned with how she was talking to me because she saw me as someone who would always be there no matter what. I don't know if I misunderstood, but that kind of stung. It kind of feels like a backhanded compliment, though I don't think she meant it to. I think she was just trying to explain her thought process - and maybe to apologize for it. I just don't want to be taken for granted. And I find the hot/cold thing really difficult to stomach. Because this is someone who I have felt closer to than virtually anyone in my life (at various times). It's hard to re-adjust to the friendship feeling less deep than it used to. I keep feeling disrespected, but this may be my own insecurities. The other thing that gets to me a bit is that she is the type of person to have this type of overreaction (though maybe just in the context of romantic relationships). So I feel like I should be able to communicate with her about it - to communicate that it may be an overreaction etc. But I feel like I just can't/shouldn't bring it up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lifesatrip Posted May 10, 2017 Author Share Posted May 10, 2017 Part of me really wants to bring it up, because I am not feeling satisfied by this friendship (not knowing where I stand). But I don't want to be angry and impulsive and damage things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lifesatrip Posted May 10, 2017 Author Share Posted May 10, 2017 Part of me really wants to bring it up, because I am not feeling satisfied by this friendship (not knowing where I stand). But I don't want to be angry and impulsive and damage things. This friendship means so much to me. I guess I'm kind of freaking out. (Or at least the friendship we used to have means so much to me. But I feel like that could be revived. There is so much we have shared. Maybe I'm wrong). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yatsue Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 I would stop being so overbearing with this friend. It does sound like she's distancing herself away from you, for good reason, because you are treating this like a relationship, not a friendship. It would be one thing if it was your SO, but this is too much. Too much drama, too much attention to feelings and petty senarios. Friendships should be relatively effortless and not so judgemental about everything the friend does. She sounds like a good friend who keeps in touch when she can. If you continue, expect for the friendship to end eventually. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 I got stuck on your sharing that you'd been self-absorbed for awhile - how did that present in how you treated her? Perhaps she distanced herself after that and never really returned. I have a childhood friend -we were best friends -and after a year plus of her being self-absorbed and acting out towards me I had a last straw moment with her last fall - really nasty comment she made about my new job and lifestyle and since then I've had strict boundaries as far as how we communicate and about what. She's noticed somewhat but not questioned too much. I think she knows. And I have no interest in putting in more effort because I feel I more than paid my dues so to speak. Maybe your friend feels the same way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 Flaky + unreliable = pull back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.man Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 As stated, it's a friendship, not a relationship. Especially as we become adults and grow into new responsibilities, friends, hobbies, etc., the sentimentality of having been childhood BFFs matters a whole lot less. It's just the nature of the beast. You describe her "coming to your area" to visit, implying distance, which then shouldn't cause much of a surprise when she acts.. well... distant. You two are. Add to it the vaguely referred to dynamics that Batya inquired on, and it really shouldn't come as any surprise. She approached you with catching up when she's in town, not to chat on the phone in the meantime. That was your idea, and while she seemed OK with it on her own time and at her own convenience, it's obvious she doesn't prioritize it. And that's actually fine. No real point in calling her out on it as her actions (or inaction) flat out say she'd rather stick to catching up when / if she's around rather than making phone conversation of it. Simply lower your expectations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lifesatrip Posted May 10, 2017 Author Share Posted May 10, 2017 I would stop being so overbearing with this friend. It does sound like she's distancing herself away from you, for good reason, because you are treating this like a relationship, not a friendship. It would be one thing if it was your SO, but this is too much. Too much drama, too much attention to feelings and petty senarios. Friendships should be relatively effortless and not so judgemental about everything the friend does. She sounds like a good friend who keeps in touch when she can. If you continue, expect for the friendship to end eventually. Ok, maybe you're right. But how does one address conflict with a friend? The reason we had a big talk last year was partly because I was sensing hostility from her, (had been for a couple of years), and I wanted to improve things. (The hostility manifested when we would be doing practical things and I was slower to do them for example, or in certain conversations that were not really very personal conversations). I now have a better understanding of how I probably upset her, and am trying not to continue old patterns. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 A frenemy will deny there's an issue. That's the point of a frenemy situation. Just fade out and tighten boundaries. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lifesatrip Posted May 10, 2017 Author Share Posted May 10, 2017 I got stuck on your sharing that you'd been self-absorbed for awhile - how did that present in how you treated her? Perhaps she distanced herself after that and never really returned. I have a childhood friend -we were best friends -and after a year plus of her being self-absorbed and acting out towards me I had a last straw moment with her last fall - really nasty comment she made about my new job and lifestyle and since then I've had strict boundaries as far as how we communicate and about what. She's noticed somewhat but not questioned too much. I think she knows. And I have no interest in putting in more effort because I feel I more than paid my dues so to speak. Maybe your friend feels the same way. It mainly presented by me being anxious or depressed and having difficulty staying in touch regularly. So I know I don't have the right to complain too much. It wasn't like I totally went MIA, I would just take a long time to respond to her. But I would also reach out to her, I didn't just sit back and have her do all the work. I think this was more of an issue years ago, but maybe it was recently as well. (I do see the irony). I didn't say mean things or anything. I was probably overly absorbed with my problems. But I never did the majority of the talking or anything like that. More that I would dwell on my problems. She does too, but in a much more humorous way. I know I leaned on her too much, and she probably didn't feel like I was solid enough or reliable enough to lean on. The more I write, the more I realize that my expectations of her are unreasonable given everything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lifesatrip Posted May 10, 2017 Author Share Posted May 10, 2017 A frenemy will deny there's an issue. That's the point of a frenemy situation. Just fade out and tighten boundaries. I don't think she is a frenemy, but I will pull back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lifesatrip Posted May 10, 2017 Author Share Posted May 10, 2017 I am now wondering if my facebook message asking if she got my messages sounded passive aggressive. In the past she had occasionally not received messages (and both calls went to VM without ringing). I tried not to sound like I was putting on pressure, just inquiring - and explaining that I knew she had problems recieving messages in the past), but I realize I could have sounded passive aggressive. Not sure if I should say something more to her along the lines of, not trying to put pressure on her. (I feel so clingy and obsessive writing this). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lifesatrip Posted May 10, 2017 Author Share Posted May 10, 2017 Just looked back at the 2 recent messages I sent on fb and realized I really was very overbearing and should have taken the hint. Is there anyway to repair? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yatsue Posted May 11, 2017 Share Posted May 11, 2017 You could give her space and let her reply whenever she gets to it. I have a similar situation with a childhood friend who moved to a completely different continent. We knew each other since being toddlers and are each other's best friend. Have been through a lot and helped each other whenever we can. However, once she moved, we became distant. It's only natural, as in person relationships are more of a priority over online ones (phone, skype, internet chat etc). With this type of friendship you now have (long distance), bringing up serious talks about how one is neglecting the other is only going to push that person away, despite how good of friends you were in person. My friend brings up a lull in chat well, for example: "Hey, it's been awhile, how have you been? We should try to set up a skype or phone call session cause I miss my friend!" Something like that, or a simple "Hey haven't heard from you recently, how have you been?". It's a common occurrence for either one of us to go MIA for days or a couple of weeks. Neither of us take it personally. It's about mutual respect that you have a life. You can share your lives with each other, but do not give your lives to each other. It should be more dynamic in your communication if you are truly good friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted May 11, 2017 Share Posted May 11, 2017 Pull back and keep it light and fluffy for a while.Just looked back at the 2 recent messages I sent on fb and realized I really was very overbearing and should have taken the hint. Is there anyway to repair? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lifesatrip Posted May 11, 2017 Author Share Posted May 11, 2017 You could give her space and let her reply whenever she gets to it. I have a similar situation with a childhood friend who moved to a completely different continent. We knew each other since being toddlers and are each other's best friend. Have been through a lot and helped each other whenever we can. However, once she moved, we became distant. It's only natural, as in person relationships are more of a priority over online ones (phone, skype, internet chat etc). With this type of friendship you now have (long distance), bringing up serious talks about how one is neglecting the other is only going to push that person away, despite how good of friends you were in person. My friend brings up a lull in chat well, for example: "Hey, it's been awhile, how have you been? We should try to set up a skype or phone call session cause I miss my friend!" Something like that, or a simple "Hey haven't heard from you recently, how have you been?". It's a common occurrence for either one of us to go MIA for days or a couple of weeks. Neither of us take it personally. It's about mutual respect that you have a life. You can share your lives with each other, but do not give your lives to each other. It should be more dynamic in your communication if you are truly good friends. Yes, I will give her more space. It's not like we talk super frequently, and I don't need or expect to. I think the last time we spoke was at least a month ago, probably more. And we sometimes go 3 or more months without talking, which is not a big deal. It's more the feeling that I am being avoided/blown off that gets to me, but I do see how I need to back off, and I wasn't always the perfect friend myself in the past, which I regret. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lifesatrip Posted May 11, 2017 Author Share Posted May 11, 2017 Pull back and keep it light and fluffy for a while. Yeah, I plan to. Won't reach out again unless/until she does, and will keep it more surface level and light for now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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