trying to amend things with friend before she graduates

[alonzdo3]

I've known her for about a year. I never really prioritized girls, since my first relationship ended in a literal wreck where she died, and I've kept others at a distant so I could avoid that feeling. I've lived like that for 5 years. Now in my first year of college, I meet this girl at a party. Long story short, she's pretty, older, kind, empathetic, outgoing. Basically the type I hate, but I fall head over heels for her and don't tell her because of her long distance boyfriend. Fast forward a few months of talking every day and hanging out a lot, I'm drunk and end up confessing that I like her, which she reciprocates. We end up having sex the week after. That was my first time. She was my first kiss, the first girl i cuddled and held hands with, the first girl I had sex with, and the first girl I told I love you too. A week after, she comes back from dumping her boyfriend, and she tells me that his understandably heartbroken reaction(he has been a friend who's harbored a crush on her since high school) snapped her out of liking me. My reaction wasn't the best either. I asked if it was her plan to play the both of us, that I should've been smarter about this. If we weren't drunk we never would've had sex and this situation would have never happened. I blamed her for tearing down my walls and helping me open up to people, just to hurt me in the end. I said she ruined my chastity which i meant to save for marriage, and asked if she wanted me to live college the same way she used to. That had her start crying, and she literally grabbed my hand and placed it around her neck so i could start strangling her. For all angry that I was, i wasn't going to do that. Then we agreed to have a no contact rule, where we agreed that we'd always be there for each other in the end.

 

Fast forward 5 months and we run into each other once. I made a weak smile, and when she sees me, her smile with her friends changes into a dejected expression. It doesn't take a genius to know she's still hurt. I said a lot of cruel things the last time we met, and I know I can't take them back. We hurt each other really bad. She brought my hopes up after I made it clear I don't like hoping just to avoid disappointment, just to get torn down again. And I reacted emotionally, which is something I've never done before. I have no intentions to get back together, and it'd be childish to expect us to be friends after everything. But I want to be able to apologize before she leaves for Stanford grad school. I really don't want to leave on a bitter note like this, not with the first girl I loved. I tried giving her time, but I have only a few weeks before she leaves. Is there anything I can do, or is apologizing in person too much to ask for?

[Wiseman2]

Keep it simple. "I was in a bad place when I was with you and did [this that] wrong. I'm sorry you never deserved that. You are a [complement - kind sweet whatever] girl. I wish you all the best at Stanford you deserve that".

[alonzdo3]

I agree thank you, something along the lines of that is a good idea. We talked (via facebook) after we ran into each other, and she's open to meeting in person, albeit she doesn't know how she'll feel upon seeing me. Is it best to apologize via email, or to her face, where I can look her in the eye? And maybe give her the gift I meant to give her during Christmas(her birthdays coming up around too)