How did he just turn off his emotions??

[Kaykayxo]

A couple of days ago my now ex and I got in a spat over something small. I hate fighting and said something along the lines of us not adding value to eachothers lives (when this goes on) and he took it very personal. He sent a chain of messages than said he was done and we could be friends. Instantly I was being desperate, begging him to see I did not mean it in a hurtful way (even though my words were sharp.). He ignored me for 24 hours, then messaged saying he felt I didn't appreciate his efforts and the comments I made confirmed it. He said he wanted to be platonic, genuine friends. He said he loved me and didn't want to be mean, however I again became pleading.

 

Hours before this fight we were fine, he was sending me much love and our relationship has been stronger the past couple months than all 3 years we were together. I know I triggered it but how did he spin so fast? How can he throw away our whole relationship like that?

 

I am hurting beyond belief. Can't eat or sleep properly, my whole life is just dismal. I have very negative feelings regarding men already. My father was never in my life and tbh I could never imagine being in a romantic relationship with anyone other than him, never even though about other men. I am in fear that this situation will only make my distrust for all men worst as I feel he abandoned us. He was truly my best friend and he cut that off. I apoligized for spazzing out and he said hopefully we can be cool and perhaps talk next week....

 

I am just shattered. I would have never done this to him, ever. I would have never hurt him. I know people may see this wasn't a heat of the moment split and he was probably thinking about it beforehand, but I contest. I know him very well. He speaks up and he wouldn't have been with me if that was the case. He has asked me for space many times before if I overwhelm or hurt him.I truly think it was my words that sent him to do this.

 

Men how can you just turn off your emotions? How did he go from loving me as a gf to loving me as a "close friend" in 24 hours? He said he is not and doesn't want to be with someone else and I do believe him, but yet he is being so cold and turned his back on me. I don't think I did anything to deserve this. I want to win him back and I want him to miss me but I know I must stop contacting him. For years we have never gone a day without talking so this is breaking me.

[glitterfingers]

Take a few minutes to calm down and try to realise this is not the end of the world.

 

Yes, it sounds likely that this argument tipped him over the edge. It may have broken his trust in you down a little bit, or caused him to become particularly anxious about the relationship's future or your compatibility. He is very clearly saying that he still loves you, so I don't think it's that he has turned his emotions 'off'. Sometimes people just can't bear to be vulnerable with someone in a romantic/sexual relationship when there is the prospect in their minds that they will likely be hurt sooner or later. I don't know what you said, but it's clearly planted seeds of doubt in his mind and that was probably your own fear that you were injecting into the dynamics.

 

Try not to think of this as him not having emotions for you. He's just basically put up a wall and saying he can't take the risk of imminent heartbreak right now. That's my interpretation of all of this anyway, only you can really know the dynamics and if this fits into the picture.

 

I would say give him space but do let him know that you love and care about him when you get the chance. Don't stress to him that you're scared about the relationship or demand to know whether he loves you/is leaving you. Just be a positive support right now. You'll get through this, whatever the outcome

[Jy1986usa]

Unfortunately I've learned that this is not gender specific. My story is pretty similar to yours except my ex is a woman who seemingly just turned off her emotions.

 

It has given me a very negative attitude towards women which I know isn't healthy. I asked myself how women could be capable of such things? Apparently both sexes will screw you over.

 

I also would have never done anything like this to my ex. She just left me out of nowhere and never gave me a reason. Two days before she was very affectionate towards me and acted like everything was fine.

 

Sorry this has happened to you. I know all to well the agony you're experiencing right now.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. He has been shutting down for a long time and withdraws from arguing, drama and nagging on a regular basis. It seems he escalates it to the breakup point to turn the noise off.

 

Let the dust settle and back off until he contact you. He a has been trying to establish boundaries and that's a chronic problem for you and for him.

 

Whatever "abandonment issues" you believe you have are your and a therapists responsibility to work on, not a bfs.

I know people may see this wasn't a heat of the moment split and he was probably thinking about it beforehand, but I contest. How did he go from loving me as a gf to loving me as a "close friend" in 24 hours?

[Kaykayxo]

Wiseman I agree.... he has done this time and time before. Most times I can talk him down and resolve it, but this time is different. Also I find it ironic because the entire convo started with him calling me mutiple times while I was sleeping and freaking out, and in turn I got very angry and said it was ruining our relationship. So it is funny how he runs from and hates arguing, drama and all that but when it is him who does it , it's okay???? That is why I feel betrayed in a sense, because I often overlook his behavior whereas he will quickly shut me out.

 

I agree that I need to stop contacting him. I already did more damage by begging him to change his mind. I am just concerned he will never contact me again. He said he doesn't want to be out of my life, but I showed him a horrible side of me that is pathetic and sad. At the end of the day I know I am attractive and have no problem finding men so I don't know why I make myself so desperate to him...I just hope he will contact me.

[reinventmyself]

I am going to project my own experience that was similar to this. That he could be conditioning you in a way. . possibly.

 

My experience ended up with me walking on egg shells, in fear of any time I had voice in something he threatened to abandon the relationship.

At some point you lose your voice.

 

It's could be form of manipulation to threaten to leave every time you speak up. . only to return.

 

One guy I dated, I told him if he brought it up again I would have no choice but to hold him to it.

Because if someone keeps throwing it out there without the intention of actually acting on it, it feels manipulative.

As I predicted, he did again. I held him to it and ended it.

 

By you begging as you say, you are reinforcing and rewarding his behavior.

[Kaykayxo]

reinventmyself That could be. He has done this atleast 8 times over the course of our relationship. So now I am never sure what is the real deal and whether he is serious or will come back ..... The longest split we had was less than a week long however that time he had blocked me and it got nasty. This time he is seemingly trying to be diplomatic and hasn't blocked me so I don't know what to think.

 

At the end of the day, I know it is not healthy for two people to do this. All I wanted was for him to realize petty arguments was putting a strain on us, and he took it the wrong way and ended everything. I know in my heart a strong relationship will not have so many on-and-off again moments. I just truly hold him dear to me and sometimes he shows me such a great, caring side of himself that I can't believe they are the same people!! He is a gemini so maybe that explains this dual personality..

[thealchemist]

I used to have issues similar to how you are describing your boyfriend. I couldn't ever turn off my emotions, it was more like through sheer willpower I would wall myself off, totally. Almost as if I had way too much to express to be able to, so I shut down. Then after I walled myself off I just would have a pity party in my head (best description I could think of). Is your boyfriend very prideful? That was probably the most likely emotion that caused me to have these episodes. It was almost like I wanted the world to be how I wanted, if I couldn't have it that way I shut down. I never broke up with my SO because of it but it caused some issues in our early relationship. I eventually grew up and learned to express myself better. It wasn't something my SO could really help me with. I just tried to change it because it was really our only relationship issue and I wanted to make things work.

[Wiseman2]

Yep. Use this opportunity to prove to yourself that you don't have to have attachment angst as a knee jerk reaction to his withdrawal. Flex your indifference and cool-head muscles. It will build them up. Also consider that his coping style is not that stellar.

.... he has done this time and time before.