Help me understand this person

[jennylove]

I literally don't understand how this certain person is wired because my wiring is very different. I'm just trying to understand her better. So here is what I don't "get".

She'll tell me about someone she doesn't like, and she'll follow it up with stories of what this person said/did to her to cause her to dislike that person. And it's always pretty legitimate reasons to not like someone, nothing has ever seemed petty. If there is someone whom I dislike because of something that they've done to me, I do my best to avoid them, but I'll be civil should I see them. And by civil, I mean a simple hello or head-nod in passing. Nothing more. But the person I'm speaking of will be really friendly towards the person that she "dislikesl and act like things are great between them when just last week, she told me of how crappy that person is to her. I get some people are phony and fake, which is why I understand her being friendly to the person when their paths cross. But what I don't get is how she'll then tell me about their run-in and ramble on to me like they are Bff's, as if she's forgotten that just last week she was telling me otherwise. Yes, forgiveness happens. But this is it's extreme. It's happened 2 times this year alone with the same person. It's like she goes from disliking then to idolizing them. I seriously don't understand.

[Batya33]

I don't think you have to understand but what I'd like to understand -why are you involved in the gossip about this person? It's not like you can provide insight or input since you cannot understand why she is behaving that way. If you truly were motivated to understand her better then you could ask her whether she's comfortable with you asking her about her motives AND that you are not comfortable being involved in gossip about this other person. Also ask yourself why you feel the need to understand why she is gossiping about this person to you - many people gossip because they like the attention and maybe her life just isn't interesting enough so she gossips and apparently you listen to it every time so you're a good person for her to gossip to.

[jennylove]

It's not really gossip in the way you think. The way she tells me about this person is by calling me to vent about her hardships that day, and then it comes out that her hardships were because of person X. She doesn't come to me to just talk smack. She'll then ask for advice on how to deal with person X.

Also, I don't know the person that she dislikes. I only know the name.

[Wiseman2]

imagine what she tells people behind your back 8-[

[jennylove]

Yeah I'm sure.

[nutbrownhare]

imagine what she tells people behind your back 8-[

 

Yes, I take a step back from people who say unpleasant things about others they're apparently very friendly with. You don't need to understand what her motivation is - just question why you're friendly with someone as two-faced and gossipy as this. Doesn't sound like someone you can trust.

[melancholy123]

Can you say hypocrite?

[jennylove]

Yes, I take a step back from people who say unpleasant things about others they're apparently very friendly with. You don't need to understand what her motivation is - just question why you're friendly with someone as two-faced and gossipy as this. Doesn't sound like someone you can trust.

 

She's my sister. We aren't close at all. She has no friends, and I don't believe her husband treats her very well which is why I listen to her "vent." She absolutely gossips about me though. I limit my contact with her because of this. I'm just trying to figure her out.

[jennylove]

Hypocrite? I'm asking for advice on a forum with a fake name. I'm not gossiping about her or asking about her to real life ppl.

[nutbrownhare]

Hypocrite? I'm asking for advice on a forum with a fake name. I'm not gossiping about her or asking about her to real life ppl.

 

My reading of melancholy's post is that she's a hypocrite (i.e. your sister)!

[Dahl]

My reading of melancholy's post is that she's a hypocrite (i.e. your sister)!

 

I read this the same way.

 

OP, I don't know that you are going to understand her behavior/thinking as from reading your initial post, it certainly lacks some critical rationale to me in whatever process she uses to arrive at it. It sounds awfully frustrating for you to have to sort out, though - I can appreciate your bewilderment at her words versus her actions.

 

I'm with Wiseman - I hope you're spared this unpleasantness!

[jennylove]

My reading of melancholy's post is that she's a hypocrite (i.e. your sister)!

 

Oh, ooops

[Matt3939]

Always hold your enemies close. Some even marry them.

[Clio]

Imo it's venting (destressing) in combination with lack of backbone/a need to maintain good relations with everyone. The thing is that it's toxic to the person they unload to plus, they are liable to do the same to you. Imo it indicates deep insecurity/complex in combination with general dissatisfaction with their own life. In my experience sadly these are toxic people to be avoided.

[jennylove]

Always hold your enemies close. Some even marry them.

 

Yes, I understand that she is friendly to them because of the quote you posted. A lot of people operate like this and I truly get it. But what I don't understand is why she then continues on with the "act" while talking to me about their run-in. Like I said in the OP, she goes from disliking them to idolizing them and erases any bad feelings about them just like that. If someone were friendly to the person because they are followers of that quote, they are friendly to that persons face, but that's where it ends.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like a victim mentality. Is that the theme of most of her stories and venting?

She's my sister. We aren't close at all. She has no friends, and I don't believe her husband treats her very well which is why I listen to her "vent." She absolutely gossips about me though. I limit my contact with her because of this. I'm just trying to figure her out.

[jennylove]

It sounds like a victim mentality. Is that the theme of most of her stories and venting?

 

Oftentimes, yes, but don't most ppl who vent about someone else usually take on the victim mentality? they feel like victims, otherwise, they wouldn't need to let it all out.

[jennylove]

Anyway, I'm going to talk to a therapist about my family. I'm not sure which type of therapist to hire, there are so many to choose from and I'm not sure if insurance covers therapy.

[jennylove]

Imo it's venting (destressing) in combination with lack of backbone/a need to maintain good relations with everyone. The thing is that it's toxic to the person they unload to plus, they are liable to do the same to you. Imo it indicates deep insecurity/complex in combination with general dissatisfaction with their own life. In my experience sadly these are toxic people to be avoided.

 

It is definetly a toxic feeling when she starts up. I'm trying to understand why it stresses me out when this happens. I don't know the person that she's griping about and I'm not the one having problems, yet I hate hearing about any of it. I listen because she has nobody else.

[RainyCoast]

there you go, she has nobody else. she only has "the bad friend". obviously has trouble maintaining friendships so prolly feels she can't afford to lose the last one. so she triangulates. when the friend is causing her enough stress, she diffuses it by venting to you. then you have relieved her of the tension, so she can go BACK to her symbiosis with the bad friend and endure some more. then when the pressure gets too much again, you again absorb the tension. that's always what the third person in any triangle is there to do- offer relief from the tension with the person you can neither live with nor without. relieved, you return.

 

" i hate you! don't leave me!"

 

for what you are seeking, a systemic therapist. though most individual therapists can work with systems, and of course you can address family dynamics perfectly in individual therapy.

[ParisPaulette]

I always called those people emotional vampires/frenemies. They forever have to have a war with someone, but will smile to everyone's face and play act about being a nice person when their true nature comes out one-on-one behind people's backs. Backstabber is another term that works. They also are the first to trash talk you to other people and to toss you under the bus at a moment's notice.

 

Why are they like that? Who knows, I just know I have a much better life since I started taking a very hard pass on anyone like that. Because whatever it is, it's not sanity.

 

And that's kind of all you need to know.

[nutbrownhare]

I always called those people emotional vampires/frenemies. They forever have to have a war with someone, but will smile to everyone's face and play act about being a nice person when their true nature comes out one-on-one behind people's backs. Backstabber is another term that works. They also are the first to trash talk you to other people and to toss you under the bus at a moment's notice.

 

Why are they like that? Who knows, I just know I have a much better life since I started taking a very hard pass on anyone like that. Because whatever it is, it's not sanity.

 

And that's kind of all you need to know.

 

Amen to that.

[Batya33]

It's not really gossip in the way you think. The way she tells me about this person is by calling me to vent about her hardships that day, and then it comes out that her hardships were because of person X. She doesn't come to me to just talk smack. She'll then ask for advice on how to deal with person X.

Also, I don't know the person that she dislikes. I only know the name.

 

If you don't know the person she dislikes and you're not going to meet her ever that's somewhat different. Otherwise it's totally gossip. I'd be careful. Just read that it's your sister. I wanted to add that I'm sorry you are subjected to this and that's tough when it's a sibling!! I see why you want to try to understand her.