Never fully final breakup, seems final now

[eidetic]

LDR due to coparenting agreements from first marriages. Partner's child is graduating HS, and after years of family promise, they are moving even farther away.

 

I'm supposed to travel to attend the graduation ceremony, but I can't face it. The graduation is a huge deal to me, but they're leaving. Now I don't even know whether to send a card.

 

This is really over. "Marry me" was a lie. I'm not even sure what I'm posting for. Just need support from somewhere as I feel like I'm going crazy.

[Wiseman2]

Did you break up? Send a card if you can't attend but it means something to you. Is he moving closer to the mother?

LDR for 8 years due to coparenting agreements from first marriages. Partner's child is graduating HS in three weeks, and after 8 years of "marry me", instead of closing the distance, he is following the child to school and moving impossibly farther away. It's clear to me that this is really over and that it's been gone a long time.

[eidetic]

There was no clear breakup, just less and less communication from him. I was also expected to "still be friends", but I can't.

 

They're moving away from the mother too.

[Wiseman2]

That sounds like a breakup. Don't be friends go no contact. What was the breakup about when he ask to "stay friends"?

I was also expected to "still be friends", but I can't.

[Annia]

There was no clear breakup, just less and less communication from him. I was also expected to "still be friends", but I can't.

 

They're moving away from the mother too.

 

I think it's not good to stay friends with exes at least not while you haven't moved on and are healed. I also think that if he didn't give you a clear break up if you should want to be friends in the future with someone who doesn't have clear and honest communication skills.

 

If it hurts going to the graduation, then just send a card to his son.

[eidetic]

I think he didn't want a move (/broken promise) to cost him the connection. I don't know how anyone could expect it not to.

 

I totally appreciate the statement about "clear and honest communication skills". Ours degraded over time and I don't know what to think about how either of us have handled this. I feel embarrassed and like I should have seen it coming. Too many mixed messages.

 

If I do no contact, how does that affect the child? It's bad enough to confuse or hurt the adults. I don't want to hurt the child, too.

[Wiseman2]

The child has his father and his mother. He'll be ok and you'll be ok. Send a graduation card then go no contact. Focus on yourself, your kids and your local life.

If I do no contact, how does that affect the child? It's bad enough to confuse or hurt the adults. I don't want to hurt the child, too.

[eidetic]

The only way I know to go no contact is to block everything. Is that ok to do in this case? We'd been together and "a family", holidays and birthdays and everything, since the kids were young.

 

I want to do the mature thing. I still love these people. I just also know I don't have any control over my grief right now. It seems natural to block everything, but lately I've read a lot of mixed views on it.

[Annia]

The only way I know to go no contact is to block everything. Is that ok to do in this case? We'd been together and "a family", holidays and birthdays and everything, since the kids were young.

 

I want to do the mature thing. I still love these people. I just also know I don't have any control over my grief right now. It seems natural to block everything, but lately I've read a lot of mixed views on it.

 

I've also thought about if blocking/deleting people was the mature thing to do and if I should keep them and "be the bigger person". But you know what? Sometimes we need to do what's best for us for our healing and in many cases it is deleting and/or blocking in order to move on. I personally have trouble with NC so I really need to do everything in my power not to see the person "online" and not to have the chance to relapse. And it's ok. Even if you love them and all that which is perfectly normal, you can't be there for them and support them if you're grieving and in such pain. If people can break up relationships and move on, then it's ok for us to do what we need to do in order to do so too.

[Dominique]

Block everything for now and send a gift and card saying that you love and miss the child for the graduation.

 

Send a note to the other children at the end of school year with a little monetary gift for summer fun. Tell them you still care and leave it at that.

 

Keep in touch regularly with the kids at a later date after you have healed. Reach out at a time in the future and give them your contact info.

[eidetic]

Block everything for now and send a gift and card saying that you love and miss the child for the graduation.

 

Thank you for that. I've blocked now, and will look at changing email address next, as he finds ways around block/filter.

 

I hate blocking and think it is terrible to do to someone loved. But I know I can't keep my head right now otherwise.

[Dominique]

Thank you for that. I've blocked now, and will look at changing email address next, as he finds ways around block/filter.

 

I hate blocking and think it is terrible to do to someone loved. But I know I can't keep my head right now otherwise.

 

I understand. I hate it too.

 

I had to let go of kids i love too. I sent them gifts after it was over and have to leave it there. I'm not their mother. It hurts but in time maybe you can reconnect with the child directly. Heal yourself and worry about you for now. Older kids can be directly contacted and once you are in a space where indirect contact with your ex won't hurt YOU, then you can talk to the kid/s.

 

I have seen this type of connection with ex's children work out but it takes time.... Don't worry about them now. Worry about you.

 

Sending you light and love.

[Annia]

Thank you for that. I've blocked now, and will look at changing email address next, as he finds ways around block/filter.

 

I hate blocking and think it is terrible to do to someone loved. But I know I can't keep my head right now otherwise.

 

It's not terrible to do to someone you love. It's your mechanism to heal and you're doing that for the other person you love: YOURSELF.

[eidetic]

Glad for this forum and discussion space. Yesterday I sorted out the gift and thought I was doing ok. This morning, no.

 

No desire to make contact. Not even depressed that he hasn't. Just still in shock that apparently everything was a lie.

 

I'll send the quality gift at some point. But a gift involves a thank you, and this time I don't want one. What is anyone going to think, if they try to contact and are just blocked? Seems like a mixed message, and passive aggressive somehow.

 

I'd say I feel angry this morning, but tbh I don't feel a thing.

[eidetic]

Last night I actually considered suicide. That isn't characteristic of me. I like my life. I like myself. But the things this person is saying to me about myself are so condemning.

 

He makes it sound like I've been at him for months, and crazy. I'm NC. He makes it sound like I drove the entire relationship. But I didn't drive any of it. It was the first relationship in my life that I let someone else lead.

 

I'm not suicidal. I don't know what those thoughts were last night. Too much trouble or mess to ever act on them, and I knew like anything else, they would pass. And they did. But this level of pain doesn't feel sustainable, and I'm surprised, finally, that any person who leaves also will *not* leave, and just keeps coming back to call names and destroy any last good that the relationship had been.

 

NC is painful for me and it doesn't matter that it is self preservation. I would rather communicate. But I know that anything I say at this point is justification for his leaving. So I'm not talking. I wouldn't know what to say to any of this anyway.

[Wisebutsodumb]

Eidetic, calm down. Breathe an exhale. Slowly in intervals of 3-5 seconds. Words are words. Actions speak volumes. Do what is right for you. Go no contact, block them for now so you can heal. Get better. You are taking a toll on yourself. When you are ready to unblock them do it. Your situation seems a bit complicated and I'm not quite sure where u stand or how it went about. Just breathe and take control of yourself. It's okay to send a card and all. A gift but then take time for yourself, you come first. Be the one in control.

[eidetic]

Aye; that last post was months ago and I'm still kicking.

 

Thank you for responding to it though -- I was so amazed when no one did.

[eidetic]

To circle back, right after that #14 post he sent a blistering email that took about 24 hours to sink in. Once it did, it took all I had to stay in this body. I left for home not long after that, to recuperate for a few days in safety and under family care.

 

I won't repeat what he said, although I have had to wrangle it many times in the months that have passed. It truly was and is strange to me that he would send any such words when I was NC and letting him alone. I thought I was giving him what he wanted, and what we needed. It's not clear to me what he was thinking. The best I can say is that I know he is facing down a number of major changes in his life and worldview and some of them are overdue; a difficult learning curve and a lot of letting go.

 

This was the summer that had always been the goal to reach. He broke the agreement and apparently part of that process required doing whatever he could to break me, too.

 

I'm not a fan of anyone's need to "mean" their way out of relationship. What it says to me, though, is that a person who is unnecessarily cruel or destructive in ending a long committed affection probably has other commitments and affections ahead to blunder and learn through and lose, and for the wisdom we gain from those loves and mistakes and losses, I am presently ok that he is just gone.