Wife unsure whether she wants to be with me

[smoyo]

So the last few months has been a gloomy one in mine and my wife's life. We've been together for 10 years and married for a few. We have so much in common and share a lot of the same interests. She recently told me that she is unsure about whether she wants this life any more and whether we are working as she feels something is off with us. I have always loved my wife and I know she still loves me. We have a lot in common but we do have fall outs and sometimes she struggles with her depression and finds it hard to get out of bed but I would always try and support her with that. We met when we were 18 and we are each other first love but that is one of the things that plays over her mind, she wished that she explored/experienced life more when younger and before us. I've suggested we tried some couples counselling but she knocks that idea away. One thing for certain is that she has never cheated on me.

 

I'm so down and saddened by all this and can't bare to think of a life without her and she says the same thing. I just don't know what to do or what I can do.

[MissCanuck]

Has she had any treatment for her depression?

 

Unfortunately, if she is unwilling to seek help or marriage counselling, there's not a lot you can do. Her desire to explore seems to be greater than her desire to remain married.

[Lester]

She is currently fantasizing about, talking to, or worse, another person.

 

Secretly purchase/read James Dobson's "Love must be Tough"

 

Did she complain about you in the past year? If so, what were the complaints and how did you react?

[catfeeder]

I've suggested we tried some couples counselling but she knocks that idea away.

 

First step, consult an attorney to learn your options and protections. This isn't the same thing a filing anything, it's information gathering. For instance, in your location, filing for a legal separation may protect you from any further debt wife incurs.

 

My response to a spouse who said he didn't know if he loved me but refused counseling would be to ask him to leave, and go decide whether life without me is what he wants. However, I'd seek legal advice first to learn whether it would be wise for me to leave the home if he would not.

 

There's no way I'd live in limbo with someone who wouldn't work on the problem. If spouse wanted to return after separation, I'd make marriage counseling a requirement, or no deal.

[smoyo]

Has she had any treatment for her depression?

 

Unfortunately, if she is unwilling to seek help or marriage counselling, there's not a lot you can do. Her desire to explore seems to be greater than her desire to remain married.

 

Yeh she does have treatment for it and she has suffered from it ever since we were together 10 years ago. I'm not sure if she thinks thats the reason she is feels so lost and depressed is because of us.

 

She is currently fantasizing about, talking to, or worse, another person.

 

Secretly purchase/read James Dobson's "Love must be Tough"

 

Did she complain about you in the past year? If so, what were the complaints and how did you react?

 

She one of the sweetest and most caring people I know. Shes not just my wife but my best friend. Only things she complains about me is little things but she says that I deserve far more than what she can offer because she says I'm too 'nice of a guy' to be dragged through this... but I would do anything for her and would stick by her no matter what hurdles life throws.

 

First step, consult an attorney to learn your options and protections. This isn't the same thing a filing anything, it's information gathering. For instance, in your location, filing for a legal separation may protect you from any further debt wife incurs.

 

My response to a spouse who said he didn't know if he loved me but refused counseling would be to ask him to leave, and go decide whether life without me is what he wants. However, I'd seek legal advice first to learn whether it would be wise for me to leave the home if he would not.

 

There's no way I'd live in limbo with someone who wouldn't work on the problem. If spouse wanted to return after separation, I'd make marriage counseling a requirement, or no deal.

 

I really want us to work and to try the marriage counselling. I think she just very skeptic about counselling because she tried it before for her depression and it didn't really work too well.

[Lester]

"I'm too 'nice of a guy' to be dragged through this..."

- Uh-oh.

 

I think she's definitely talking to someone. Hope I'm wrong, but let me ask.

 

Does she initiate talk/sex/everything less?

Can you account for most of her time away from you?

Is she on the phone a lot, and take/make calls at odd times?

Have you ever checked her cell phone calls on the carrier, (Verizon etc.), web site?

Have her looks changed? Lost weight, growing out hair, new clothing?

[smoyo]

"I'm too 'nice of a guy' to be dragged through this..."

- Uh-oh.

 

I think she's definitely talking to someone. Hope I'm wrong, but let me ask.

 

Does she initiate talk/sex/everything less?

Can you account for most of her time away from you?

Is she on the phone a lot, and take/make calls at odd times?

Have you ever checked her cell phone calls on the carrier, (Verizon etc.), web site?

Have her looks changed? Lost weight, growing out hair, new clothing?

 

Her sex drive is very up and down due to her depression but it's always been like that.

 

She's hardly on calls or texting but she does sit there scrolling through facebook a lot. Shes not talking to anyone else other than her friends who are female or her family but she did get close to a guy when I went through my down and angry patch for a few months but nothing happened and now they both don't talk because of a fall out and haven't spoken for close to a year. I know that she feels like she's lost someone close to her in that aspect but she never cheated on me with him and I trust her on that.

 

As a person she hasn't changed. We still have the same interests as each other. The only change we've had lately is moving into our first purchased home together and things have been very stressful around the house due to renovating it.

[Lester]

If just medical..., her personal desire, Doctors and your support are all that can be done.

 

"...but she did get close to a guy when I went through my down and angry patch for a few months but nothing happened and now they both don't talk because of a fall out and haven't spoken for close to a year."

- But it did happen.

 

"I know that she feels like she's lost someone close to her in that aspect..."

- I think she probably picked it up again.

 

"...but she never cheated on me with him and I trust her on that."

- She did cheat. It's called emotional cheating. And we all trusted our wives. The husbands who put their head in the sand are now divorced.

 

Buying the house, and maybe some bad behavior may have triggered a relapse?

 

btw, The persons who target women look for loneliness, anger and depression.

[smoyo]

If just medical..., her personal desire, Doctors and your support are all that can be done.

 

"...but she did get close to a guy when I went through my down and angry patch for a few months but nothing happened and now they both don't talk because of a fall out and haven't spoken for close to a year."

- But it did happen.

 

"I know that she feels like she's lost someone close to her in that aspect..."

- I think she probably picked it up again.

 

"...but she never cheated on me with him and I trust her on that."

- She did cheat. It's called emotional cheating. And we all trusted our wives. The husbands who put their head in the sand are now divorced.

 

Buying the house, and maybe some bad behavior may have triggered a relapse?

 

btw, The persons who target women look for loneliness, anger and depression.

 

Yes you're absolutely right, it DID happen and it is emotional cheating but I'm willing to move on and work on our marriage. She definitely is not talking to him any more though as they've cut ties due to a huge fall out. She says that she can't believe it allowed it to get to that point with him and regrets letting me down.

 

I think buying a house has affect things, it's become a lot more stressful trying to purchase furniture and doing up the house at the same time but I'm not going to point it directly at that.

 

Do you mean that the person who she was close to targeted her? I knew that he was going through relationship troubles at the same time and I guess they tried to support each other.

 

I just want to win her back

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Is she happy personally at work her family outside hobbies interests friends etc? Midlife crisis? Ask her to get a doctor's checkup for her inertia and a therapist referral for her depression. Does she drink, overuse pain pills, etc?

 

In the mean time. Start doing things you did when dating. Date nights, get out of the rut. Bring some romance back.

Also start a self improvement plan. Get in shape, eat better cut back bad habits, update your clothes, hair etc.

She recently told me that she is unsure about whether she wants this life any more and whether we are working as she feels something is off with us.

[Lester]

"Do you mean that the person who she was close to targeted her? I knew that he was going through relationship troubles at the same time and I guess they tried to support each other."

- Those guys are always going through relationship troubles, which are caused by the EVER wandering eye. There's millions of them, and some are in close proximity to you every day. But they're not the problem.

 

"I just want to win her back."

- I may be able to help with that.

 

First Aid:

- Get Dobson asap and start reading. You must understand what's going on in her head, and how to appropriately react to it.

- Also purchase Gary Smalley's "If only he knew" (I read dozens of book before stumbling on these two. I credit them both for saving my marriage.)

- Cheating happens. If the marriage was compatible and not trapped/forced, there's a good chance it can be saved.

- Husbands who waste time in denial lose their wives.

 

Come back for more.

[thealchemist]

"Do you mean that the person who she was close to targeted her? I knew that he was going through relationship troubles at the same time and I guess they tried to support each other."

- Those guys are always going through relationship troubles, which are caused by the EVER wandering eye. There's millions of them, and some are in close proximity to you every day. But they're not the problem.

 

"I just want to win her back."

- I may be able to help with that.

 

First Aid:

- Get Dobson asap and start reading. You must understand what's going on in her head, and how to appropriately react to it.

- Also purchase Gary Smalley's "If only he knew" (I read dozens of book before stumbling on these two. I credit them both for saving my marriage.)

- Cheating happens. If the marriage was compatible and not trapped/forced, there's a good chance it can be saved.

- Husbands who waste time in denial lose their wives.

 

Come back for more.

At first this viewpoint seemed a little over the top. As the post continues though and the OP's responses added more it seems like he might be on to something. You know your wife better than us, but I would look into this but very cautiously. Such a long relationship from a young age is also typical of this. Work hard and you might have a chance. However, if she is already checked out and refuses to work on it then it might be over already.

[smoyo]

"Do you mean that the person who she was close to targeted her? I knew that he was going through relationship troubles at the same time and I guess they tried to support each other."

- Those guys are always going through relationship troubles, which are caused by the EVER wandering eye. There's millions of them, and some are in close proximity to you every day. But they're not the problem.

 

"I just want to win her back."

- I may be able to help with that.

 

First Aid:

- Get Dobson asap and start reading. You must understand what's going on in her head, and how to appropriately react to it.

- Also purchase Gary Smalley's "If only he knew" (I read dozens of book before stumbling on these two. I credit them both for saving my marriage.)

- Cheating happens. If the marriage was compatible and not trapped/forced, there's a good chance it can be saved.

- Husbands who waste time in denial lose their wives.

 

Come back for more.

 

Started reading Dobson's book, thank you. Hope it can help me in some way. Our marriage was never forced or trapped, we truly love each other and grew up together. When I say we are each others best friends, it's true. No one knows so much about us than each other.

 

I'd like to believe I can save this marriage as I'm in no denial, it's all so real and I wouldn't be here asking for guidance.

 

At first this viewpoint seemed a little over the top. As the post continues though and the OP's responses added more it seems like he might be on to something. You know your wife better than us, but I would look into this but very cautiously. Such a long relationship from a young age is also typical of this. Work hard and you might have a chance. However, if she is already checked out and refuses to work on it then it might be over already.

 

Yes, sorry, I wasn't descriptive enough when writing my initial post. The more I spoke, the more I understood. We definitely did get together at a young age. I truly want to work hard for our relationship. I think there is hope that she will want to fight for us too but sometimes her depression has her bed ridden and unable to speak to anyone.

[Lester]

No denial, good!

To properly save a marriage you must know what you are up against.

Log on to your cell phone's website and check her activity.

 

Can you check her cell phone readily, like when she's in the bathroom?

 

Dobson will help you understand why she ran to another man. He will then teach you why anger, broken-wing, retaliatory and other typical human reactions all fail.

 

More helpful hints:

- You can't change her, you can only change yourself, but doing that, will change the world around you.

- Women are not like men. Most men don't know that.

- Wives are not like women. Most men don't know that either.