How can i get her to get those feelings back

[Falcon126]

Recently my girlfriend of 3 years came home and told me she had kissed another guy and had been messaging him. Initially i was angry and i moved out for a few days but told her i still loved her and i wanted to make it work and she did to. We both spoke about how we needed to change and agreed we would give it a go and make it work.

 

A few days later I went back and she told me she didn't have the same feelings for me anymore, after a long talk she admitted that she felt like I didn't love her and had be treating her like a best friend instead of a girlfriend thats why she cheated on me and felt like she wasn't loved.

 

I decided to take her out for the day to show her that i love her and i told her i will change as i am not always very emotional and don't do things to show her im commited.

 

Unfortunately at the end of a wonderful day she broke into tears and told me she felt nothing all day and felt awkward, no feelings back whatsoever.

 

She says she just wants to be on her own and confused about her feelings and just wants to do her own thing. She has promised me she doesn't want the other guy and it was just a mistake and i do believe her and i have told her i have forgiven her for this.

 

We have completely split up now, and I want to carry on fighting for her but I don't want to push her away, i love her so much and just want the chance to get her to feel again.

 

Would appreciate any advice.

[MissCanuck]

The hard truth is that you can't get her to have those feelings back, so to speak. She cannot change the way she feels, just as you cannot change the way you feel. You know how you can't pretend you don't love her, even after she cheated? She also can't pretend she does want to stay together.

 

All you can do is accept her decision and give her space. It's not possible to fight for someone who's already gone; she has to want it too. With space and time, she might. But sadly, there's no guarantee.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Did you move out completely? She's responsible for her cheating and what she admitted to is only the tip of the iceberg.

 

You need to back away and not "fight for her". She has chosen to step away from the relationship and step out on the relationship. Go no contact, no convincing, pleading etc. She is getting with this guy, that's why she left.

she admitted that she felt like I didn't love her and had be treating her like a best friend instead of a girlfriend thats why she cheated on me and felt like she wasn't loved. We have completely split up now,

[Falcon126]

Hi thanks for your response. How can you be sure she is getting with him? She has looked me in the eyes and sworn on her mothers life she doesn't want him. Thats the only reason I believe her.

[Falcon126]

Thanks for your response, At the moment i have respected her decision and i trying to give her space but she still texts me just talking about her day and what she is doing etc

 

Would you advise on not responding or do you think she is just doing this to be nice ?

[Wiseman2]

Tell her you need to go no contact so you can reflect. She needs to miss you and experience life without you. These friendzone breadcrumbs are to make her feel less guilty but they will mess with your head.

At the moment i have respected her decision and i trying to give her space but she still texts me just talking about her day and what she is doing etc. Would you advise on not responding or do you think she is just doing this to be nice ?

[Falcon126]

Tell her you need to go no contact so you can reflect. She needs to miss you and experience life without you. These friendzone breadcrumbs are to make her feel less guilty but they will mess with your head.

 

Thank you i will give that a go, yes its very confusing for me when im trying to move on and give her space but she wants to talk all the time.

[Jy1986usa]

I went through a similar experience. I fought for her back but it only pushed her further away. Like others said unfortunately she's probably gone for good. Its apparent. Told you she doesn't have those feelings for you anymore, another guy in the picture, and she already gave you a chance to fight and she said she felt nothing. I'm sorry dude. Take it from someone who's still in the midst of trying to get over my ex under very similar circumstances. I know you want to continue speaking to her and you think continuing to talk to her will make her change her mind. It won't. I know it's very hard to let go but you're doing yourself a disservice by staying in her life. You don't want to be her friend. You want more than that like what you had. But she doesn't anymore. I would get her out of my life altogether. Block her from everything. Trust me. I made the mistake of staying in my ex' life and not going NC and it delayed my recovery substantially. AND!!!! If there is a chance for reconciliation it will only happen once you are gone for a while and she has a chance to miss you. She can't miss you if you're still around. And that's a big if. Some people break up and get back together but they're the minority not the majority. I would try not to even think of that as an option. You need to figure out how to move on and move on as if she is never coming back. I really hope I'm not sounding too harsh because I know all to well the pain you're in right now and the thoughts you are having. It's excruciating going through this. But please believe me when I say you WILL make it harder on yourself if you don't stop talking to her and get her out of your life completely. I haven't talked to mine in 2.5 months after a couple months of doing the same thing you're doing. Only now am I starting to see why going NC is crucial. Because every time I talked to her I hung on to a sliver of hope which made me unable to move on. Now that I've stayed away I finally have lost all hope but that's a good thing! Because I can finally start to move forward. Man this hits so close to home and I'm trying to help you the best way I can think. Sorry if it seems like a rant. I just don't want you to learn the hard way like me. Let me know if you need anything. I got your back dude.

[kbbcoop77]

^^^^ t h i s ^^^^

[AutumnBorn]

Falcon, I'm not going to BS you: it'll be hard, but it has and can be done. You have to listen to me very, very carefully and do as I say to have a fighting chance.

 

Don't contact her. Don't respond to every message. When you do respond, make it short (though upbeat). In order to miss your presence, you have to not be present. This is paramount. She needs to see, feel, and hear what your absence means to her and she has to feel it sooner rather than later. Don't think "no contact", think "too busy, but when I have a chance to talk with you, I'll be delighted". She has to come to you.

 

When you do communicate with her (by replying to some texts/emails/taking some calls, but certainly not all), don't talk about the old relationship. Ever. It's over. Accept it. What you want now is a new, improved relationship. By talking about the past, you'll only cause her to remember things she doesn't want to remember. If she brings it up, say something like "I don't want to talk about the past. It's over, and I'm OK with that. How was your exam/how did that work drama turn out/have you been to that new cafe?"

 

When she asks about you and what you've been doing, be evasive. Don't lie, just don't recite your every move. Be a little mysterious. Curiosity can make her want to get closer. Turn it around to talk about her. If she asks how school/work/whatever is going, say something like "it's great, having a good time. So, what happened when you...." If she asks what you did Saturday night, tell her "just hung out with friends" or "oh, I went to that club that opened around the corner from my brother's place. Have you been there yet?"

 

Visibly change something small about yourself - change your part or slick your hair back, start dressing a little differently. A subtle change will register and, while she probably won't be able to figure it out (at least not right away), it'll be a visual clue that something's changed about you.

 

Take the time to learn something new. Pick up a hobby. Later, when you do get back together, she'll be surprised that you can play the guitar/make pasta from scratch/take amazing digital photos, whatever. It'll show personal growth. Plus, it gives you something to do to fill your time.

 

Volunteer to help your community, at least a few hours a month. This will show her that you think of others and give freely. Very important. If it helps those less fortunate than you, all the better.

 

READ THIS BOOK: Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships

 

AND READ THIS WEBSITE: (start with What To Do When He/She Leaves You)

 

THEN READ THIS:

 

 

That's a start, but first and foremost, take control of the communication. That's the first step.

 

Good luck!

[Jy1986usa]

^^^this advice makes me uncomfortable because while it's all good it keeps you in the mindset that things could happen again which prevents you from healing and moving on.

 

I think you need to prepare yourself for it to be over for good and not torture yourself with the fairy tail of her changing her mind.

 

If she comes back she comes back. But you'll be better off in the long run if you move forward like it's over for good.

[kbbcoop77]

No that whole last bit of advice was wrong on alllllll levels. That's straight out of how to get your ex back websites and it's all crap. You have to have the mindset its over for good or you're going to torture yourself. Sometimes they do come back but usually after a long time and by then you won't want them anymore..I've had this happen..but the majority also move on and never come back. That's the reality. Don't spend your time "waiting" for some grand return that very likely will never happen

[AutumnBorn]

Jy, we give up when we're ready and never sooner. This is about getting someone back, not moving on, and that's what my advice is about. You and I, no matter how much we feel it's hopeless, can change someone else's desires and hopes. We can only give them honest, clear advice on how they might, against all odds, succeed. That's what I've done. We can't kill hope or desire...we can only cheer when it wins and give our best advice to those who aren't yet disillusioned.

 

Blessings.

 

PS I've coached others this has worked for. Some toward happily ever after, some to say "WTH was I thinking?!" Either way, happy.

[AutumnBorn]

No that whole last bit of advice was wrong on alllllll levels. That's straight out of how to get your ex back websites and it's all crap. You have to have the mindset its over for good or you're going to torture yourself. Sometimes they do come back but usually after a long time and by then you won't want them anymore..I've had this happen..but the majority also move on and never come back. That's the reality. Don't spend your time "waiting" for some grand return that very likely will never happen

 

 

This should be on the Healing forum. If you want to kill someone's hope and dreams, do it there. This is about getting back together, not about diminishing. We can't chastise someone into feeling hopeless, so why not give them your best advice on how to achieve their dreams?

 

Your soul may have been crushed, but let's not assume that every soul is in need of OUR crushing it before its time. This is about support, not "I know best". Nobody can change anybody else's dreams or hopes. When this soul gives up, I think it's pretty obvious where they should go (Healing After...) Let's not push them over the cliff. S/he will get there when ready, right?

[Falcon126]

Thank you all so much for your advice and each and every one of you has helped in different ways. I think im holding on in a way because we have had an amazing three years but we have had tough times like a miscarriage, ive moved out before and so has she but we have never really broken up. Im trying the non contact at the moment but im also accepting the fact its over.

 

Thank you all again.

[MissCanuck]

Keep in mind that what she admitted to with this other guy is probably not the whole story. It almost never is. There is likely a lot more you don't know.

 

Then ask yourself why you want so badly to get back with a woman who doesn't love or respect you enough to stay faithful.

[Wicky1955]

AutumnBorn...finally someone on this site trying to Help vs Destroy all hope. Your reply was spot on to his question and desire.

[Milwaukeecasey]

Getting an ex back is actually over rated. They become an ex for a reason, and the reason why is because if everything was going well and the two really wanted to work it out........the two would. Instead of being equal like couples meet in the beginning where both put in mutual effort and both will jump over fences to do everything they can to make the other happy, it turns into one chasing the other person. Its weakness and neediness and also bad behavior that shows you are holding onto something that died hoping it will once live again. Sadly, once when it dies.......it will not be coming back to you. The only alternative is if its mutual, and in more than most it is not.