My boyfriend won't spend Christmas with me

[GirlFromOz]

My boyfriend is in the military and we have been wanting to spend Christmas in Europe this year seeing that i'm already in London working until January next year. He has turned around and suddenly decided that wants to spend Christmas with his family instead. I understand that spending the holidays with your family is important but i am his family too and its not everyday that you have the opportunity to spend Christmas overseas. I am putting in the effort to fly halfway across the world to see him in July and it feels like a punch to the face learning that he cant do the same. He tried to tell me that it is too expensive yet he had just gone out and bought $800 worth of clothes (this is very much un-like him). He earns more than enough to come over for a 1.5-2 week holiday and yet seems totally uninterested. Now it looks like im going to be spending Christmas alone and he seems unfazed. He has been totally out of character and he choice to stay home instead of visiting totally shocked me.

[LaHermes]

From what you say, GirlfromOz it is beginning to sound suspiciously that your BF has found someone else, but hasn't the moxy to tell you straight out.

[j.man]

God forbid he spends the holidays with his family? I can't understand conflating your July trip with an obligation on his end to choose you over his kin during what's pretty much universally the biggest family occasion of the year. Are you not able to spend Christmas with yours?

 

How long have you two been together anyhow?

[ThatwasThen]

How long have you been dating him? Has it been long enough to meet his family and ascertain that he's actually single?

[Wiseman2]

Is this a LDR? How long have you been dating? Did he invite you to spend it with his family? Why don't you spend it with your own family and friends?

He decided that wants to spend Christmas with his family instead

[GirlFromOz]

we have been dating for 2 years and we are spending this year apart has i got a 12 month contract job in London and he is doing his military training. I am very close with his family, particularly his mother. We have been discussing Christmas in Europe since i found out i landed his job last year and he has changed his mind very quickly and without warning. My flight back to Australia mid-year cost me alot and i cant afford to fly home to spend Christmas with my family or his family as much as i would love that. Our families spent Christmas together last year which was lovely.

[GirlFromOz]

we have been dating for 2 years and we are spending this year apart has i got a 12 month contract job in London and he is doing his military training. I am very close with his family, particularly his mother. We have been discussing Christmas in Europe since i found out i landed his job last year and he has changed his mind very quickly and without warning. My flight back to Australia mid-year cost me alot and i cant afford to fly home to spend Christmas with my family or his family as much as i would love that. Our families spent Christmas together last year which was lovely.

[LaHermes]

So. OP.

You are from Australia, but currently in London till January and your BF is back in Oz, in the military. I assume that if you have an obligation to remain in UK till January you can't get back home for Christmas, as you remark.

 

Why do you think he changed his mind so quickly? Can you find out why?

[j.man]

he has changed his mind very quickly and without warning

I mean I understand some people prefer to plan further ahead than others, but I can't say I've ever heard anyone consider 7 months notice "without warning." That provides you plenty of time and opportunity to make a plane ticket back home to your own family work, whether through some additional income or budgeting to fit in the cost. Or even make some English friends who'd be happy to welcome you in for the festivities. You choosing to work in London shouldn't obligate him to give up time with his family on the holidays.

[ThatwasThen]

Okay, so we've established that this has been a legit relationship thus far. Now, have you tried to come to some sort of compromise with him? Maybe he spends Christmas with his family but sees you for New Years Eve? You can Skype to be together at Christmas unless he's up to no good which doesn't sound likely. At this point (after reading you second post) there is no reason to suspect he's met someone else.

[LaHermes]

Or, Girl from Oz, have a second "Christmas" celebration when you get back to Oz in January.

I still think he is making excuses, and a little clarity would help. Also, don't fly back in July, save yourself that expense.

[GirlFromOz]

I tried to question him and he just said that he wants to spend it with his parents, knowing him he wouldn't want me to spend Christmas alone so his decision caught me off guard. My brother is also in the military and has known my BF since high school, i talked to him after i found out and he said that he is going to find out where my bf's head is at. My brother is sure that my bf will have a different POV on the situation. Im not getting my brother to fight my battles, sometimes a guy just needs to talk to his mate to clear his head first.

[LaHermes]

It's all rather odd, OP. He should not have said or planned that he would spend Christmas with you in London if he didn't mean it. It isn't as if he had just met.

You say you have been dating 2 years.....

Surely he would have known he would prefer to spend it with his family?

 

If both your families are on good terms I daresay you will get to the bottom of this scenario.

[Wiseman2]

Can you skip the July visit or ask him and your family to help with your fare to visit home on Christmas?

My flight back to Australia mid-year cost me alot and i cant afford to fly home to spend Christmas with my family or his family as much as i would love that. Our families spent Christmas together last year which was lovely.

[GirlFromOz]

I can't say I've ever heard anyone consider 7 months notice "without warning."

What i mean't by that is we always runs ideas by each other before making big decisions and the fact that we never had a discussion about him staying in Australia before he decided was very out of character. I just would have thought that he would have thrown the idea out there first, after all since last year the plan was to spend Christmas over here.

[LaHermes]

Indeed Girl from Oz.

 

"...was very out of character. "

 

You've said this a few times and that is what I am homing in on.

 

What do you think? Any feedback from your own family...his?

[Ms Darcy]

A girlfriend is not family, though. A wife is family.

[chitown9]

Since he is so determined to spend Christmas with his family, I think under the circumstances he should pay for you to make the trip to spend Christmas with him and his family. chi

[sophie274]

To be honest, I can understand him not wanting to spend the money for a trip over Christmas if you will be coming home in January anyway (so less than a month afterward). I can see why you are hurt but I think spending Christmas with family is very important for many people. I see a lot of posts on this forum of married couples arguing over where to spend Christmas and whose family will get the short straw, so it's clearly a tricky relationship issue.

 

As far as him changing his mind, has he had to spend time away from his family now that he is in the military? I could see that affecting how he feels about the issue - planning to spend Christmas away from family might feel like a fine distant plan when you see them all the time, and then a lot different when you've now been away from them for a good while.

 

Can you two plan another trip to see each other between July and January? I know both Australia and the UK have cheapish flights to Southeast Asia, which is sort of in the middle.

[LaHermes]

The point here is not about people wanting to, or not, spend Christmas with families. He should not have said to OP he would have Christmas with her in London if at the back of his mind he had no intention of so doing. He should have said in FIRST instance that he wanted to be with his family at Christmas.

For the record there are many people who do NOT spend Christmas with family. Indeed the "festive" day can be a recipe for disaster in some cases. But aside from that there are couples who do travel to another destination for Christmas, and no one goes into a spin and wrings their hands because of that.

[itsallgrand]

He changed his mind, with plenty of notice. I understand being disappointed. It would be a fun adventure together. Is it worth getting angry over though? You don't have to be alone - you can make it into a fun adventure of your own with friends you make while in London.

 

Are you worried there is something else going on? If he acting out of character, that can be scary when you are in long distance. Clamping down tighter won't help things though. And it could be anything, maybe even something positive that is gearing these changes.

 

Did you live together ? Will you be living together when you get home?