WombatShadow Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 This is long; sorry. So, quick rundown for those of you who don't wanna read my long and winding post history: *We dated for three years, quasi-long distance (1-1.5 hours) *We are friends since we were 11 (in 2001) *We had a conversation on NYD in which we decided that he needed to work on some things in the relationship *He was working on talking to me more via text and phone, but I still felt like it wasn't enough *We spent the weekend before Valentine's Day together and things felt fine *After a misunderstanding on Valentine's Day (this is in retrospect), his attempts at communication plummetted *We had dinner on February 25, and he broke things off afterwards, stating such things as "I can't be what you need", "You deserve better", and "We need to end this before our friendship is destroyed"; one week later, I made every effort to destroy that friendship by forcing him into a conversation over the phone that neither of us were actually ready to have, leading to our very first fight since high school *I went No Contact for three weeks and broke it to talk about a mutual friend who needed us; it was a really good phone call and he seemed really sad when I had to go, and when he mentioned the breakup he sounded upset *We sporadically spoke after that until Easter, when my group of friends got together to celebrate my ex's birthday; I felt many feelings, including a level of attraction towards him that I hadn't felt in over a year, and he seemed back to his old, jocular self until the end of the night, when I gave him a homemade birthday gift and he turned very soft and a little sad *We spoke on the phone the next day, and we came to the consensus that we needed to talk in person about what the hell happened between us; I also attempted to clarify whether or not texting with me stresses him out, and his response was that it just depends on the topic And that's where we left off three weeks ago. We're still in LC. I'm initiating everything, but I expected that. He almost never initiates contact with anyone over the phone or texting (right down to his mother) unless he has a specific purpose, i.e. asking a favor or setting up a meeting. Even in the good days of our relationship, I'd say the contact instigation was about 75%-25% with the onus on me; it went more to 60%-40% during summer break. That's just how he is, especially when he's stressed about something (and he is definitely stressed right now). That said, the contact is kind of okay. It's just been texting so far, but he's sent me photos of him and his brother and some videos of his bunbun being adorable. He recently helped me out with some professional documents and has been updating me on what he's been up to with work and his family on occasion. We text about 2-3 times a week, and although it hurts when he sometimes ends conversations abruptly I'm able to deal with it without freaking out. I have changed a lot more than my situation has. First, since I stopped using my birth control, I have really begun to notice some changes. Physically, my weight has redistributed and shot back down to my once-constant (my waist is back! all of my clothes fit better!), my hair is/stays curly again (who knew that was a side effect of BC?), and I have energy again even if I don't get 13 hours of sleep. Mentally/emotionally, I'm just so much more happy and peaceful. My students really noticed a change in the way I was teaching at the end of the semester and in my general enthusiasm (one asked me if I was on drugs; her friend said that I was probably in love! lol). My self-esteem has shot up, and even though I know I'm still overweight I can acknowledge that I still look pretty darn fine. I also feel smart again; I had thought that my feelings of stupidity and unworthiness were just because I was surrounded by academics, but now I realize that it was my self-esteem/depression talking. I'm finding myself smiling at little nothings throughout the day, laughing and cracking jokes again, and...feeling attracted to men in general. Which leads nicely into my view on the relationship with my ex. Instrospection has led me to realize that I hadn't actually been attracted to him since a month or two after the birth control, and it affected the way I acted around him. I made him stop tickling me, I didn't really like lingering on kisses...I did things because I thought he would enjoy them, whereas I had always enjoyed them myself in the past. I also became so negative about everything (work, friends, family, etc.) and poured all of that into him all the time, which meant that I was stressing him out by not being as affectionate with him while simultaneously giving him more of my stress. No wonder the poor man broke it off! (Important Note: I know I wasn't the only problem in our relationship, but we had both been going under the assumption that I wasn't even part of it for a long time, so...) That all said, I don't know if we really stand a shot at each other again. I can say why I think he dumped me until I'm blue in the face, but until he tells me himself I'll never know for sure. I also don't know what he'll think of my revelations, but I'm interested to see how the conversation goes when we're able to have it. Unfortunately, I think he was planning on us meeting this coming Saturday, but I'll be out of the state on work so we're likely going to have to wait until Memorial Day weekend. That's not a terrible thing, but I do miss seeing his face. I miss the ease of our friendship and of our conversation, and I think we'll be able to make movements towards fixing those if we clear the bad air, even if reconciliation doesn't happen. We had a strong relationship for over two years, and I think it's worth seeing if we can start over and shape it up properly this time. It's worth noting that I've been reading Yangki Akiteng's book "Dating Your Ex" and following her website's articles, all of which have been very helpful in keeping me grounded and keeping the important things in mind. I've also been reading on relationships in general (specifically "The Five Love Languages") in preparation for any future relationships, be they with my ex or totally new. In the meantime, I'm keeping busy. Final grades, my special assessment, and my first faculty assessment are all due Tuesday. I've got two gym buddies in my friend and my SIL. I've scored a role in a local theater production, and a lot of my friends (and my favorite coworker!) are in it with me, meaning we chorus members goof off more than is probably wise And I've picked up a Grey's Anatomy habit. As for dating...well, I am feeling some stirrings of attraction towards people again. One of the cast members in my show is super cute and super single, but I haven't worked up the nerve to talk to him yet. Right now I'm toying with the idea of finding someone at my conference to at least practice my flirting game with, if not taking things a little further. I've only ever seriously pursued two people including my ex, and he's the only one who I was ever even the least bit physical with (hugs aside). Perhaps it's time to put myself out there again. I think I'm going to keep this as a journal of sorts, cataloging any changes that come along in my healing process or in my ex-back progress. I just want to have something non-depressing to look back at as I move forward, no matter what direction my path leads me in. Feel free to comment, chime in, or ask questions! Link to comment
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