Iceberg900 Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 My ex girlfriend broke up with me just over 2 months ago and within 1 week she was living with a new guy and was in a relationship with him. They had been texting each other and flirting for 2-3 weeks before she broke up with me. It hit me out of nowhere and everything in our relationship was fine up until the flirting happened - we were getting a bit distant because of the long hours we were both doing, but had been together for 2.5 beautiful years and were as strong as ever (Or so I thought). I still love her but have given up trying to get her back because I realised I was just holding myself back. She has been extremely friendly and nice to me in the last 2 weeks through texting and we have even met up so that I could sell her a new phone (I'm a mobile phone salesperson). This meeting made me feel terrible because we acted like we always had: laughing, joking, making inside jokes that we always used to and she even touched me on the arm a couple of times. I gave her my last hand-written letter that day that basically said it was so good seeing her, but I couldn't be her friend anymore because I will always want so much more. I told her that I wanted to be there to tell her how beautiful she was and pick her up when she has had a bad day but I couldn't because I would be emotionally supporting her for the new guy and it still hurts me. She was quite upset by this and said she wanted us to be friends so badly and that she will always miss me and hopes that I will reach out to her. I left the door open in the letter, and said that if she is single and lonely in the future I would love to take her on a date and start from scratch. She replied later that evening by text and said the letter made her cry (I put some photos of us in the envelope) and said that "Maybe things will be different in the future". She has texted me randomly out of the blue TWICE this week. The first time was to thank me for the new phone and basically commenting on how the screen protector was put on really well. I didn't continue the conversation and just stopped texting her after 1-2 messages. She texted me again this morning (3 days later) and said: "I really like the colour of the new phone but its so easy to get fingerprints / smudges on the back of it! ". I still have very strong feelings for her and would start our relationship from scratch tomorrow by taking her out to dinner if she asked but I am also committed to moving on and told myself after the letter there would be no more contact. I need advice on what steps to take next, assuming that I am still hoping for reconciliation somewhere down the road. 1. Should I Ignore the message completely and see how many times in the next few weeks she tries to contact me again? She is obviously thinking about me or just bored because her new Rebound is not there. The messages have been completely unnecessary. 2. Should I reply but keep the message really short (like 1-2 words?) and leave it at that. 3. Should I reply and tell her that I don't want her contacting me anymore unless she wants to try our relationship again. What should I do? Sorry for the long post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 OMG! Why are you rewarding someone who cheated on and dumped you, by staying in contact?????? You are even continuing contact and helping her with her phone. Good grief! Dude, where is your self respect!!!!! She has ZERO respect for you. I am assuming she is still with her bf? Stop being a doormat and block this woman for good! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SadSadgirl Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 breadcrumbs. block her. she's having her cake and eating it too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 Keep in mind that cheating is not a mistake, it's a choice. With that in mind, if you took her back, what type of monitoring device would you be using? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 So, do you think she is attempting to cheat on her new boyfriend with you? After all, both of you have already decided that cheating is OK. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iceberg900 Posted May 7, 2017 Author Share Posted May 7, 2017 Thanks for the replies, I understand that it might seem like I am trying to hug a wall of broken glass with this girl - Yes she was flirting with other men via text behind my back as an escape mechanism because she was not happy in our relationship. I had an increased workload at the time and so did she. We became distant for a solid month, and she thought that the grass was greener on the other side so she jumped the fence to a work colleague. I COULD forgive her for that but it would take a LOT of trust being re-built. If she is willing to work on it with me - I am as well, but I have self respect and will NOT take her back while she is seeing somebody else. She can not have her cake and eat it too and I basically said that in the letter I wrote to her. I told her I can't be her friend and she needed to decide what she wanted. She apologised many times after I gave her the letter and said that she feels horrible for what she did to me. She says she has never gone out of her way to hurt someone like she hurt me in her whole life and has apologised multiple times over the past 2 months for her behaviour (does not excuse what she did by ANY MEANS - I get that). Should I continue to ignore her and see how far she takes it? See if she becomes desperate to talk to me? Or should I tell her that I want her to respect my wishes and NOT contact me unless she is willing to seriously give our relationship another try? I have been making positive steps to forget about her and move on with my life (Going to the Gym, Researching Careers and starting my study again, Hanging out with friends etc.) and I don't plan on stopping that any time soon. I just want to know what the best course of action is to not ruin a potential reconciliation - whether that's 2,5 or even 10 years down the track. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 So the next time you get a heavy workload, she'll probably cheat again. Then come at you with crocodile tears and apologies. I get that you want to believe she's so, so sorry and she'd never do it again, but the question is WHY? Why are you so willing to go back to someone who cheats when the going gets tough? Keep in mind, she already knows you forgave her for cheating once. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AQuietHope Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 At this point, I think you should send her a text saying something along the lines of, "I'm sorry, I really don't want to have contact with you. I thought I had made this clear but having contact with you is hurting me and makes me feel like you are relying on me for emotional support without being considerate of my emotions. Maybe at some point I will be able to have contact with you but it will have to be under specific and agreed upon conditions with clear boundaries." Of course, this is my approach. It might be better for you to ignore it or make the message shorter. Do whatever makes you feel the most secure and whatever will help you move on. Just don't doubt your decisions after that. I would suggest getting counseling of some sort if you are able, they would be able to provide assistance in how to handle this and sorting your thoughts. What ever you end up saying, if you say anything, make it clear when you say something like "I feel...", it's less hostile and your emotions are always valid. If you say something like "you make me feel..." it's aggressive and comes off as blaming. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chitown9 Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 3. Should I reply and tell her that I don't want her contacting me anymore unless she wants to try our relationship again. I would go with this option, but I would add: It will depend on whether or not I am available for a relationship with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nsolo Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 "My ex girlfriend broke up with me just over 2 months ago and within 1 week she was living with a new guy and was in a relationship with him." I read that far, and said, "Next!" in my head. This isn't a woman you want to be with. Plain and simple. I'd move on and do a great favor for myself by writing down the type of woman I want, and I'd start thinking about where I could find her, and I'd keep working toward that as I work toward other life goals. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iceberg900 Posted May 7, 2017 Author Share Posted May 7, 2017 Thanks for all the support guys / girls. She has caused me too much pain up until this point and I've decided that the more I cling on to this false hope and the more she messages me thinking we can be friends the more pain I put myself through. I've sent her a text telling her to please be respectful - I've told her I want more than a friendship and unless she wants the same thing down the track to not message me. I'll update with what she says. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chitown9 Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 unless she wants the same thing down the track to not message me. I'll update with what she says. If she gets your message, she will not message you. chi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbbcoop77 Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 You'll update us with what she says..meaning your waiting around for a response. This is why blocking is the best course of action. Believe me if she wanted to reconcile even if she was blocked she'd bulldoze a way back to you. I'm 52 so did most of my dating in the 80's, we didn't block because that didn't exist. We HAD to go no contact or be some crazy stalker. And back then I had girlfriends come back, believe me they hunt you down if they want you back. Anything else is just breadcrumbs and hot air. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iceberg900 Posted May 7, 2017 Author Share Posted May 7, 2017 She literally just replied with the word: "okay." . It's amazing how with one word she can make me feel like utter crap again and make me regret sending it. Thanks for all the replies, it hurts a little bit still.. but I've done a everything I possibly can and at the moment she has shown that she is not worth fighting for. If she really wants another chance in the future she knows my number - there's no point putting my life on hold. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbbcoop77 Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 She literally just replied with the word: "okay." . It's amazing how with one word she can make me feel like utter crap again and make me regret sending it. Thanks for all the replies, it hurts a little bit still.. but I've done a everything I possibly can and at the moment she has shown that she is not worth fighting for. If she really wants another chance in the future she knows my number - there's no point putting my life on hold. Yup my ex had the exact same response after I thought I was making head way getting her back but it was all BS...just her wanting friendship or advice, nothing more, with no regard to how I was feeling because THEY ARE NOT THE ONES HURTING. They've made up their minds and have moved on. That's why Contact is bad because you'll never get a response or answer that you'll like. Always leaves you disappointed and with more questions than answers..Cut her off now and go zero contact. It's the only way to get over her. I learned the hard way too (breakups are hard for the dumpee) but survivable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rolf12 Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 Had a bit of a similar situation bar the contact. We agreed to no contact then she continued to feed me breadcrumbs. I ignored them. After a couple of weeks we had contact, she was blunt, and angry with me, and has since blocked me on everythin Block her and move on. As I've been told if she wanted to be with you she would be. Thanks for all the support guys / girls. She has caused me too much pain up until this point and I've decided that the more I cling on to this false hope and the more she messages me thinking we can be friends the more pain I put myself through. I've sent her a text telling her to please be respectful - I've told her I want more than a friendship and unless she wants the same thing down the track to not message me. I'll update with what she says. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 So the next time you get a heavy workload, she'll probably cheat again. Then come at you with crocodile tears and apologies. I get that you want to believe she's so, so sorry and she'd never do it again, but the question is WHY? Why are you so willing to go back to someone who cheats when the going gets tough? Keep in mind, she already knows you forgave her for cheating once. OP, stop excusing the behavior!!!!! You should have been NC. Period. And the deal with the phone is ridiculous. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 "My ex girlfriend broke up with me just over 2 months ago and within 1 week she was living with a new guy and was in a relationship with him." I read that far, and said, "Next!" in my head. This isn't a woman you want to be with. Plain and simple. I'd move on and do a great favor for myself by writing down the type of woman I want, and I'd start thinking about where I could find her, and I'd keep working toward that as I work toward other life goals. That's as far as I got, too. In my mind there'd be nothing further to discuss with this person. Ever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iceberg900 Posted May 7, 2017 Author Share Posted May 7, 2017 I have been guilty of excusing her behaviour Definetly. It's hard not to when you loved somebody so much. It's like she is a completely different person now, like she just changed into somebody I don't even recognise. I noticed her getting quiet and distant in the last 2 weeks but just put it down to both of us being stressed at work. The weeks prior to that she was still talking about how excited she was to start a family, and that she had already picked out her engagement ring. She would still come home and be as intimate and loving as always.... It's amazing how quickly people change and how all loyalties just go out the window when someone "better" comes along and starts flirting. I guess I'm still in love with who I thought she was and just wish the old version of her would come back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted May 8, 2017 Share Posted May 8, 2017 This is who she is. You can't turn back from this. Time to face facts, She is with someone else. Block and delete. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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