Murdered by my boyfriend

[Annia]

I just saw that movie yesterday and it was very hard to watch. It might be very disturbing for people that have been through or are going through abusive relationships. However I'd advise people to see it because it raises awareness (in a very extreme way). Maybe most people don't go through that kind of abuse, but it might raise awareness and make people leave the relationship before the abuse escalates.

[LaHermes]

"Domestic abuse:

 

Will affect 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men in their lifetime

Leads to, on average, two women being murdered each week and 30 men per year

Accounts for 16% of all violent crime (Source: Crime in England and Wales 04/05 report), however it is still the violent crime least likely to be reported to the police

Has more repeat victims than any other crime (on average there will have been 35 assaults before a victim calls the police)

Is the single most quoted reason for becoming homeless (Shelter, 2002)"

 

The abuser does not show his or her true colours at the outset. It is an imperceptible process, starting with verbal abuse and mental abuse.

 

"The Mystery of Loving an Abuser" an article by Dr. Joseph Carver should be read by all.

"Indirectly, the abuser/controller offers subtle threats that you will never leave them or have another partner, reminding you that people in the past have paid dearly for not following their wishes. Hints are often offered such as “I know people who can make others disappear”. Indirect threats also come from the stories told by the abuser or controller – how they obtained revenge on those who have crossed them in the past. These stories of revenge are told to remind the victim that revenge is possible if they leave."

 

"In relationships with abusers, a birthday card, a gift (usually provided after a period of abuse), or a special treat are interpreted as not only positive, but evidence that the abuser is not “all bad” and may at some time correct his/her behavior. Abusers and controllers are often given positive credit for not abusing their partner, when the partner would have normally been subjected to verbal or physical abuse in a certain situation. An aggressive and jealous partner may normally become intimidating or abusive in certain social situations, as when an opposite-sex coworker waves in a crowd. After seeing the wave, the victim expects to be verbally battered and when it doesn’t happen, that “small kindness” is interpreted as a positive sign.

 

Similar to the small kindness perception is the perception of a “soft side”. During the relationship, the abuser/controller may share information about their past – how they were mistreated, abused, neglected, or wronged. The victim begins to feel the abuser/controller may be capable of fixing their behavior or worse yet, that they (abuser) may also be a “victim”. Sympathy may develop toward the abuser and we often hear the victim of Stockholm Syndrome defending their abuser with “I know he fractured my jaw and ribs…but he’s troubled. He had a rough childhood!” L"

[Seraphim]

My mom's best friend was murdered by her husband.

[ParisPaulette]

I will check that one out. I worked in a women's center/shelter for years. I've lost clients to yes murder, both women and men. It still hurts and it always will. And I will never understand it.

 

It's good to raise public awareness on this as an issue, because it is a serious problem. One that needs to stop. Thanks for the post.

[Krankor]

One of the sad things (among others) to me about domestic violence/abuse is that this is one of those things that any and all decent people should be able to agree is wrong and would work towards ending. However, it becomes so political; something for feminists and men's rights activists to fight over. It's not a gendered issue; both men and women can perpetrate it, sometimes BOTH people in a relationship do, and it affects both straight and gay couples. So worrying about who it happens to more often is silly; it's about protecting all people.

[ParisPaulette]

I agree. ^^^^ It not a gender issues, it's a human one. One that affects both women and men.