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Recent fights with girlfriend


vasto

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Hi everyone,

 

I'd like to present the story as short as possible. I met a girl from my course at the University at the beginning of march during a student get-together. We automatically caught contact and started to talk every day, at the uni or through Facebook. She had a bf at that time but she wasn't happy in the relationship for longer time. They broke up and some time after that we got together and became a couple, as we both felt something towards each other (more of me than her, but still). We went together on a trip during spring break a week ago and it was great but after that everything went downhill.

 

We started arguing every day for the past few days, most of the time because of me being insecure as f**k. I accused her of not commiting enough (even though she has a little problem with depression) and today we almost broke up. I promised her to do all I can to stop overthinking, but right now she is pissed and hell, I can't say she doesn't have the reason to be. I know it looks like a rebound but I'm sure it's more than that, everything was okay until I screwed up. What should I do to make things better? I know this is something I want to fight for.

 

Cheers!

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Sorry to hear this. It sounds like the ex is still in the picture and definitely on her mind and therefore she'll be moody, etc. Maybe even trying to get back and talking with him.

 

What were these insecurities and fights about? This ex?

beginning of march. They broke up and some time after that we got together and became a couple. We started arguing every day for the past few days. I promised her to do all I can to stop overthinking, but right now she is pissed and hell.
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This ex flew recently to another country to work for couple of months. He wanted to get back, but she didn't. He was abusive and didn't let her do anything she wanted like seeing friends etc. I'm the complete opposite, I have nothing against it. Seems like she just can't get over him and I understand her, but I don't want to lose her and I don't really know what should I do. Give her time and let her make the first contact? All I know is we need to slow things down and I can't let myself screw this up again.

 

The reason for insecurities is I don't want to lose her, because I never felt like this before, we are similar in many, many ways, have the same goals etc.

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Seems like she just can't get over him and I understand her, but I don't want to lose her

 

Dude, you have reason to be insecure. She's obviously still hung up on her ex and where does that leave you? Second place in her heart and that means you lose. Stand up for yourself and demand that she either leave this guy behind or you're going to leave her. Value your time on this earth. Value yourself.

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What should I do in that case? Give her time? She told me that I am important to her and she feels good with me but she still feels the memories from the past relationship. I was thinking of not talking to her to give her space. And if she really has feelings towards me, she will eventually start to care more as the time passes.

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It's too soon.

 

If it's too soon and she says she has feelings for me, is breaking up really the best option? I was thinking about slowing things down to how they were before. Help her overcome thoughts of him by just being for her.

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If it's too soon and she says she has feelings for me, is breaking up really the best option?

 

Yes. Research 'rebounding' and learn why sticking around only positions you there. You'll never be confident that around every corner you won't hear her speech about what a terrific guy you are, but she really needed to take the time to be single and 'find herself'. You can't recover from that--she'll be done with you whether the ex is still on her mind, or not.

 

I was thinking about slowing things down to how they were before. Help her overcome thoughts of him by just being for her.

 

Nooo. That's the booby trap. Positioning yourself as someone's emotional bandage only gets you discarded once they're healed and ready to go explore life outside of a relationship. Skip that. I'd tell her, "I adore you and can picture the two of us together in the future. That's why I need to walk away while we both still think highly of one another. You can settle your old business and stabilize in your own way. If you find yourself interested in pursuing a relationship with me in 6 months or a year, you can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Until then, I wish you the best."

 

Then ride off into the sunset as the one who got away. That will preserve future potential, while pursuing her now will only squelch it.

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Well, we broke up on what seemed to be 'good terms' and two days later I find out that she's back with her ex. During the break up she told me that 'fate helped us (me and her) back then, it will help us in the future'. I was ready to give her time. Don't wait but give her time and she ends up being together with ex again...? I was definitely a rebound and a toy after giving it some thought. The question is, how to get over it? It hurts like hell, especially my ego, because I ended up in the same situation second time in a row.

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I was definitely a rebound and a toy after giving it some thought. The question is, how to get over it? It hurts like hell, especially my ego, because I ended up in the same situation second time in a row.

 

Unfortunately, you'll end up there a third time unless you learn not to mess with people who are not relationship material.

 

I keep this simple for myself by ruling out anyone who's still involved with someone else, or fresh out of a breakup, or still in contact with an ex in any way, shape or form beyond shared children. Sure, this narrows the dating pool, but it also screens down your odds of landing in the predictable outcome you've already discovered you'll want to avoid--and why.

 

Timing can be everything, but it can also be changed. Meeting the 'right' person at the wrong time doesn't mean it's smart to dive right in. Instead, you can preserve future potential with that person by simply being honest about your unwillingness to risk bad timing. Invite her to contact you in a few months after she's been free and clear of all involvement or investment in her ex, and if you're still available then, you can meet to catch up.

 

Then exit the scene and skip hanging around to play friendzies. That's the messy kids stuff that will only get you what it's gotten you so far. Grow beyond that, and look out for yourself.

 

Head high.

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